Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that being 'stressed' is no excuse? - WARNING - upsetting

39 replies

SephreniaRidesABroomstick · 18/10/2011 23:21

I just came across this article in the Daily Fail (I know, I know) and words fail me, they really do. Many of us were (and are) young mothers and we would never dream of hurting a child in any way, shape or form.

AIBU in thinking that the judge was right in saying that this woman's defence of being stressed is no excuse?

link

OP posts:
Imnotaslimjim · 18/10/2011 23:30

That makes for horrific reading. And YANBU, the judge was definitely right. How did she only get 8 years?????? Evil, evil woman, she deserves to rot in hell. I was stressed to hell after DD was born, and had PND, but even after 3 days of no sleep and her constant crying, I would never have harmed her!

Mermaidspam · 18/10/2011 23:30

I was all ready to come on and defend PND, to say that you don't know what you're capable of until it happens to you...

then I read that article. YANBU.

FabbyChic · 18/10/2011 23:32

I cant read it sorry. I really cannot stomach reading about parents hurting their children. Makes me want to commit murder, and she will have to be segregated in prison because prisoners hate child abusers.

elesbells · 18/10/2011 23:33

Words fail, me they really do :(

I only wish the judge had jailed her while he was angry and not took a break...and ordered that she be sterilised on release too...

Original poster
SephreniaRidesABroomstick · 18/10/2011 23:35

I thought at first that maybe she had PND or perhaps undiagnosed mental health problems but as I read onwards, I just couldn't fathom how anyone could get so stressed that they would do that Sad

OP posts:
Moominsarescary · 18/10/2011 23:37

That's bloody heartbreaking, that poor poor baby

moonshineandspellbooks · 18/10/2011 23:39

Of course YANBU.

I am someone who is often surprised that there aren't more cases of accidental infanticide. Anyone who's had a colicky baby for example knows how hard and frustrating it is and while not condoning it I can understand how someone could lose control momentarily and shake their baby to death - not to kill the baby but just to get him/her to stop crying.

What this woman did is many, many steps beyond that. Sad This was systematic abuse, not a momentary loss of control.

From the article, which no doubt only presents a partially correct account, I would say that this mother probably had deeper problems than we're aware of. Her boyfriend was a registered sex offender which she knew about and she was already known to social services. I would be extremely surprised if it didn't turn out to be the case that domestic violence was probably also routine in the house (as it is in 75% of child abuse cases). When relationships are characterised by violence, disrespect, depravity and deceit, it's hardly surprising that the most vulnerable member of the household ending up bearing the most severe consequences. Sad

The mother's circumstances in no way absolve her of any responsibility (unless she is found to be suffering from some sort of serious mental illness, of which there is no mention so it doesn't seem likely). However, there are wider lessons here about the nature of relationships and motherhood in today's society. We have to learn them if we're to prevent more incidents like this and Baby P.

Poor little Thomas. Sad

Birdsgottafly · 18/10/2011 23:43

She wasn't stressed and must have gone to great lengths to hide the fact that he was living with her, that shows that she knew that it was wrong.

I hope on her release that things are done properly so that another child will not be left in her care.

Rollon2012 · 18/10/2011 23:54

thats shocking when I read he was in a hospice :( his life over before it began :( terrible terrible

TotallyKerplunked · 19/10/2011 00:05

I did want to defend this girl but a momentary lapse is so so different to systematic abuse.

i've got a 7wk old colicky baby that i'm struggling to bond with and often feel that he doesn't like me, sleep deprivation is hard, I have yelled at him to shut up but the difference between me and this girl is that remorse I felt afterwards and a DH who is doing his best to be supportive.

That is what she seemed to be most lacking, support and thats sad, she got into a pattern of behaviour with him that no one questioned, the BF is equally responsible in my eyes, he must know that hitting a baby is wrong, if my DH saw me hitting our DS he'd go ape shit.

Original poster
SephreniaRidesABroomstick · 19/10/2011 00:28

TotallyKerplunked I know what it's like with a colicky baby (as I'm sure many of us do), screaming for hours on end and it's always whenever you come near and yet whenever anyone else holds your DC, they instantly go quiet. It drives you up the wall but like you said, you felt remorse (as did I when I yelled in that situation) and this girl didn't.

I am a little Hmm though that the grandparents lived next door to the girl and yet, didn't realise what was going on. Is it possible to hide that level of abuse from family living so close that they could (maybe) hear the child?

OP posts:
Fifis25StottieCakes · 19/10/2011 00:35

I cant read it, the news has just sickened me about the 2 year old girl whos in hospital. Whats this world coming to Sad

Birdsgottafly · 19/10/2011 00:38

"That is what she seemed to be most lacking, support"

She was lying to everyone. SS told her that she couldn't live with him and she told them and her parents that she wasn't.

It was probably more like her keeping everyone at arms length, to cover things up. The support would have been there. There are mothers who are abusive, they are not always victims themselves.

MrsDreadfullyMorbidMausoleum · 19/10/2011 00:46

That poor baby. It just makes me weep. Sad

I would like there to be more services available in Blackpool though. I know of at least a couple of people who live there, addicted to Class A drugs who have children who are removed, then fall pg immediately to replace them.

Their granny has so far adopted 3 - all with attendant health problems.

Another friend has adopted 2 of her nephews/nieces in an almost identical situation.

So very very sad for those that fall through the net.

woodleydoodle · 19/10/2011 00:51

moonshineandspellbooks Yes. Unfortunately :-(

Birdsgottafly · 19/10/2011 00:53

U can put all of the services in place but if people don't want them, then there is no choice but to remove the children.

If your children don't give you the motivation to change, what will?

It isn't as simple as them getting pregnant to replace the children alot of then don't put that level of thought into their lives.

TotallyKerplunked · 19/10/2011 01:01

Birdsgottafly
The SS were involved, her parents lived next door, they all apparently noticed nothing, not the BF who shouldn't be there nor injuries to the little boy or changes in behaviour. Indifference and neglect equal a lack of support to me.

My DM and MIL see my DS at least every other day, any changes, unexplained bruises or if he seemed in pain etc would be questioned to the nth degree, her parents lived next door and she got none of that.

Yes some mothers are abusive and some just dont know how to be mothers, thats where support and intervention is crucial.

Original poster
SephreniaRidesABroomstick · 19/10/2011 01:06

It just occurred to me (it's late and my brain is dead), wouldn't she have had a health visitor?

OP posts:
Original poster
SephreniaRidesABroomstick · 19/10/2011 01:09

Oh god, I'll just get that last post removed. That was unintentionally insensitive, I assure you.

I just wanted to know if she would have had a health visitor who could've maybe checked on her and the baby.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 19/10/2011 01:25

It depends on whether there were any visible injuries on the baby, there might not have been, until the end.

As posts show on here, mothers have the right to tell relatives to keep away so that they can bond with the baby.

You can make abuse look plausable. It does look look she was given the benefit of the doubt, by SS. She lied, she even lied at the end and tried to blaim him. Abusers are clever.

May09Bump · 19/10/2011 01:48

She is a total animal - no matter how stressed you get, you can always walk out the room leaving in the baby in a safe environment. At the extreme - you can always give the baby up. I understand people have braking points, but as a mother your there to protect your child no matter what.

Thoughts are fully with the LO - hope he gets some quality of life. Stomach wretched when i read he is pain. Can't imagine.

Andrewofgg · 19/10/2011 06:53

Well done the judge to recognise that he was not in a fit condition to sentence and go and compose himself.

EdithWeston · 19/10/2011 07:09

I noted the baby was 3 months old.

If she had killed him outright, the law on infanticide means she would have a strong mitigation and lighter sentencing.

buttonmoon78 · 19/10/2011 07:31

I too have a 3mo baby.He has severe reflux and living with him is like living with Jekyll and Hyde.

I too could've understood more if it had been that she snapped in anger but as it is I can't think of a single things to say about her.

It also demonstrates why I would never be a lawyer. Imagine having to defend that?

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 19/10/2011 07:35

my god. That poor, poor baby.

I am certain that this woman will not have an easy time of it in prison. I find myself undisturbed and unworried by that.