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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed DH just said 'you need to give him a bottle'?

70 replies

Ams25 · 17/10/2011 06:35

my DS2 is EB, and at the moment is waking every couple of hours for a feed. I think this is manageable, since we co-sleep and I am still managing to get a reasonable amount of sleep (usually!) so I can get up with DS1 at 6 am. This morning my DH said dismissively 'you just need to start giving him a bottle'. This has annoyed me on so many levels I hardly know where to start. Both my children have been EB, I have always been the one to get up with them, my DH goes to the spare room if the baby disturbs him, he knows I don't want to formula feed (or need to come to that!) and this just makes me feel like he doesn't listen to me or understand anything about me as a mother!

OP posts:

TanteRose · 17/10/2011 06:38

tell him if he feels so strongly about it, HE can go out and buy bottles/formula/sterilising kit, and then get up every two hours in the night, go to the kitchen, prepare a bottle (while trying to keep a hungry baby calm), feed him, settle him, wash bottles, sterilise bottles....etc. etc.

sorry he is being such a twunt

prioneyes · 17/10/2011 06:45

His justification is ...? Surely he can't think that milk from an alternative source will magically prevent night wakings?

BullyBeefBadgers · 17/10/2011 06:47

Men always do this don't they. With me it was the other way around. I was desperately trying to BF DD, getting up all hours through the night, and DD still couldn't get enough milk. Her weight was dropping and then she hit a growth spurt and I was told I didn't have enough milk to feed her. DP says dissmissively that I should try harder and he wouldn't allow formula. Took me a whole day to get my hormones in check long enough to not cry at him and tell him to fuck off.

Just tell him that he's not the one feeding her so he doesn't need to worry about it. And that actually formula doesn't help with the nighttimes!!

Andrewofgg · 17/10/2011 06:55

Men always do this don't they.

No, Bully, we don't. I'm no angel but I can say I enjoyed feeding (ff of course!) my now adult DS and tht included nights. My BILs had the same experience. There's something wrong where the work is not shared.

scarevola · 17/10/2011 06:59

Maybe what you are interpreting as "dismissively" is actually the voice of concern.

We do not see things clearly or objectively when we are long-term sleep deprived.

TheTenantOfWildfellHall · 17/10/2011 07:02

Well said Andrew!

I BF and other than ask if there was anything he could do to support it, my DH passed no comment at all.

OP, there were days with my 2 when I was up all night feeding, lying on the sofa all day just feeding. That's pretty much what babies do! Tell him you're happiest BF and there's no reason to change it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/10/2011 07:04

I'm with scarevola. Rather than getting defensive, what is the reason for the remark? Lack of sleep is a total killer. He may be struggling or he may be worried that you are struggling and his idea is therefore borne out of concern rather than criticism of your methods per se.

Forrestgump · 17/10/2011 07:13

Agree with cogito and scarevola. You might be thoroughly enjoying it, but he probably sees a different side. Co sleeping may work for you, but maybe he is struggling. My dh happily helped in the night with a bottle when that time came, after all baby has 2 parents.

nooka · 17/10/2011 07:14

I can't see how the dh would be struggling if he has another room to go to if he is disturbed, and the OP says she is doing fine. So I think it is perfectly reasonable for the OP to be annoyed. How old is your ds2, and sorry to be a bit of an ignoramus, but what does EB stand for? Is it extended breastfeeding and your son is having a bit of a relapse as it were?

flamegirl77 · 17/10/2011 07:15

I would be very cross if my husband said this to me.

TanteRose · 17/10/2011 07:19

EB is Exclusively Breastfed, nooka

Original poster

Ams25 · 17/10/2011 07:21

He always wants the easy answers... Has got it in his head that giving a bottle of formula before bed will make him sleep through. I know this is rubbish, because I tried it in desperation with DS1 when he was 5 months and it made no bloody difference!

Bully what a total swine... Like we all need more guilt in our lives!

OP posts:

mummytotwoboys · 17/10/2011 07:21

YAB a bit U Maybe he meant express some so he could help. I know my husband hated me breastfeeding as he saw me knackered and in his "male" brain the solution was that he should help. Maybe he is thinking about you and you shouldnt be so defensive. Also, it is his baby too and maybe he should get a bit of a say in how its fed. You dont want to formula feed, maybe he does. . . just saying

pregnantpause · 17/10/2011 07:23

Not unreasonable to be annoyed. His comment was ignorant and unhelpful at best, dismussive and condescending at worst. However as others have said sleep deprivation is a killer(although it sounds like he gets plenty) and he could just bit have thought it through. Talk to him, explain that what he said was insensitive and ill informed, well done for feeding your dcs the best way that you can x

callmemrs · 17/10/2011 07:23

Erm.... It is entirely possible to exclusively give breast milk but for the baby to sometimes drink from a bottle (or cup). I think the op is being unreasonable for automatically equating bottle with formula! Speaks volumes!
This is not the ops baby- the baby has two parents, and both should have input into how it's raised. Maybe the dh is feeling left out and would prefer the op to express sometimes so he can give some feeds.
To just completely dismiss one parents view is wrong. Talk to him and find out his reasons for thinking this

MamaMaiasaura · 17/10/2011 07:25

Ams - yaNbu and I'd being extremely pissed off with dh if he said that to me. While I was ebf ds2 dh took time to read up on all the benefits and he's been my greatest supporter and also with cosleeping.

Dh also didn't get up thro night tho early days he'd help if he could.

QuietNinjaZombie · 17/10/2011 07:27

Can't believe bullybeefs dp! Won't allow formula? What a knob. I'm lucky my dh (dp at the time) was supportive of my decision to bf and supportive when I started to mix feed. Would have been extremely pissed off if he hadn't.

MamaMaiasaura · 17/10/2011 07:27

Add please let's not turn this into a bf ff debate to prev poster. Neither of my ds's would accept ebm from a bottle or a dummy. And it is most prob that ops dp meant formula in a bottle. Let's not nitpick as make this into another ff/bf debate

MamaMaiasaura · 17/10/2011 07:29

Last post aimed at callmemrs. And ops dp made a passing remark, how on earth do you know how involved he is? A bit presumptuous of you to assume all his Views are dismissed

Original poster

Ams25 · 17/10/2011 07:32

DS2 is 4 months. I think he is having a bit of a sleep regression, but ( for the most part I am managing okay and I know it won't last forever. I know perfectly well DH wouldn't be up sterilising bottles in the middle of the night if I was formula feeding, I would!
Sometimes I feel like I would just like a bit of recognition for sticking to breastfeeding despite finding it hard at first, and for doing all the night wakings... Instead it feels like he's saying I'm stupid for ignoring the obvious answer of a bottle...

OP posts:

HappyCamel · 17/10/2011 07:33

I'd be cross too. DH does all DD's baths so we each have an exclusive role in her life. He helps me feed by making sure I've got a drink. In the early days he fetched an settled her at night.

It sound like he's read or been told that ff babies sleep for longer periods (often true because it's harder to digest). From OP icant tell why he thinks the night wakings are a problem.

Whatmeworry · 17/10/2011 07:33

But why did he say you need to bottle feed, does he feel you are not coping? This may be the voice of reason and concern speaking.

Chandon · 17/10/2011 07:33

EB is not a religion.

FF is not poison.

take it from there

MmeLindor. · 17/10/2011 07:37

Will he be getting up at night to give your DS a bottle then?

Ask him that.

If he says no then you can say, "Well, if it is me getting up, I am going to use the most convenient method of feeding our child".

Original poster

Ams25 · 17/10/2011 07:38

Thanks Awen you are right he meant formula. I do express sometimes but it takes me ages and I just don't get much out! Callmemrs my DP does of course have a right to his opinions, but the truth is he has always left most of the work decisions to me when the children were babies. He's much more hands on with toddler.

OP posts:

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