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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed DH just said 'you need to give him a bottle'?

70 replies

Ams25 · 17/10/2011 06:35

my DS2 is EB, and at the moment is waking every couple of hours for a feed. I think this is manageable, since we co-sleep and I am still managing to get a reasonable amount of sleep (usually!) so I can get up with DS1 at 6 am. This morning my DH said dismissively 'you just need to start giving him a bottle'. This has annoyed me on so many levels I hardly know where to start. Both my children have been EB, I have always been the one to get up with them, my DH goes to the spare room if the baby disturbs him, he knows I don't want to formula feed (or need to come to that!) and this just makes me feel like he doesn't listen to me or understand anything about me as a mother!

OP posts:

Forrestgump · 17/10/2011 07:40

When did your first child eventually sleep through and move into his own bed? Maybe he is thinking after 4 months, ds2 should be sleeping through?

Hungrydragon · 17/10/2011 07:42

The op said her dp meant meant formula as a splitting to make the baby sleep through. 4 months is a normal period for sleep regression, surely if he wanted to help and knew what he's doing he'd know that?

There us nothing wrong with bottle feeding and already this thread us going off the point.

Uanbu op, he did not offer to get formula or take on a night feed. He gave you instructions on what you should do. That cannot be interpreted as anything else. You are both doing the the best thing to maintain your sleep, you by co sleeping him by sleeping in the spare room.

Original poster

Ams25 · 17/10/2011 07:43

Moved into own room around 4 months, but was still up every few hours and it was a nightmare! He started sleeping through around 8 months.

OP posts:

Hungrydragon · 17/10/2011 07:44

Splitting = soloution

Original poster

Ams25 · 17/10/2011 07:45

Agree with Hungrydragon, I have nothing against formula feeding, it is just not my choice and I thought DP understood that.

OP posts:

nooka · 17/10/2011 07:46

I'm sorry but the only person who should be in the position to decide whether or not to breastfeed is the mother. This is in my opinion pretty much the only time where the mother totally has the deciding call, but it is her body, and at this point the only role (with regard to feeding alone) for the father is to be supportive.

Saying 'you need to give him a bottle' to a mother who is managing just fine is very undermining, and if he is bothered by the waking or thinking that his wife is having a hard time then switching to the faff of bottles is not actually going to help (I used both, and BF once established is possible to do with very little waking, bottles really are not). The baby who will still wake up hungry if he is having a growth spurt will cry for longer because the mum then has to get up, heat up the bottle and feed him, instead of just popping him on the breast and dozing off until he's done. Now if the father had said, 'you seem to be having a hard time, how about moving to a bottle once a night and I will feed him whilst you sleep' then fair enough, but that doesn't appear to be what he suggested.

Forrestgump · 17/10/2011 07:46

He is probably thinking another 4 months at least of this routine, let's try not to go down the same route as ds1. I suspect he has collegues or mates with babies the same age or younger that are sleeping through (competitive dads!!) and his patience is thin. I totally see where he is coming from.

NinkyNonker · 17/10/2011 07:48

I think that unless the husband has a proven track record of being a helpful sort the feeding etc is the mother's decision. Fwiw dd used to wake a lot, and DH never suggested giving her a bottle, not because he didn't care but because he knew that bf was important/preferable and he trusted me to be sensible enough to make the right decision if and when the time came. Had he been dismissive of my choices in the manner described (there are ways of discussing this, he just sounds dismissive) I would have been quite disillusioned.

If he had wanted to give a bottle 'to bond' I would have been similarly disillusioned, there are so many other ways to be involved with a baby.

To whoever picked up on the formula assumption, I think it is a pretty safe bet as it is a common misconception that formula will make babies sleep.

NinkyNonker · 17/10/2011 07:50

8months isn't late for sleeping through by any means, he needs to get a grip.

Whatmeworry · 17/10/2011 07:51

What Chandon said re religion and poison, use them both to get the best outcome.

DH used to do a late night and early morning feed, allowed me to get more sleep, and getting sleep makes all the difference IMO

Original poster

Ams25 · 17/10/2011 07:52

Forrestgump he is getting a full nights sleep nearly every night! Why is he impatient?!

OP posts:

Forrestgump · 17/10/2011 07:54

Praps he wants his wife back? I've been there Ams25, praps he sees a tired you, he obviously remembers the Nightmare times with ds1 even if it was you getting up? Just another side that's all?

MmeLindor. · 17/10/2011 07:55

I do think that it should be the OP's decision.

If she is forced by her OP to stop BFing then it will mean more work for her, unless her DH is willing to do some of the night-time feeds. And even then, it is more work for her during the day.

I was unable to bf, but wish I could have because it is a lot easier than all the faff with bottles and temperatures.

Ams
Can you ask him why he thinks this would be a good thing and show him some evidence that FF may not make your DS sleep through the night. My DS was 2.5yo before he slept through.

FellatioNelson · 17/10/2011 07:55

Have you been moaning to him about lack of sleep/waking up often in the night? I think that just perhaps he said it because he may have heard that (rightly or wrongly) FF babies sleep thorugh the night quicker than EB ones.

I FF two of mine from 3 weeks onwards, and BF one for five months. Although I found BFing in the middle of the night easier than going downstairs to warm a bottle, he was by far the latest to go through the night, and only did once I had switched him to FF. Just sayin'.

MmeLindor. · 17/10/2011 07:59

This is about elder babies, but perhaps interesting

Hungrydragon · 17/10/2011 08:09

A good father realises that competitive fathers are dickheads.

shagmundfreud · 17/10/2011 08:19

"What Chandon said re religion and poison, use them both to get the best outcome"

Best for whom?

OP, cut your DH some slack. He's (presumably) grown up in a culture where exclusive breastfeeding a baby of more than a few weeks old is as rare as hens teeth, and where formula use is ubiquitous and seen as entirely harmless. It's understandable that when he feels the family is under stress he might suggest, in a fairly clumsy way, using it to try to ease the pressure on you.

LoveBeingAWitch · 17/10/2011 08:20

I would take it that is he concerned about you, maybe he was offering to do some feeds do you could sleep. Maybe when he gets home tonight tell him you've been thinking and he is right, the bottles are in the cupboard and your off for an early, uninterrupted sleep in the spare room

shagmundfreud · 17/10/2011 08:25

"I'm sorry but the only person who should be in the position to decide whether or not to breastfeed is the mother"

I agree in principle, but I know in practice this can be very difficult. My brother is a biologist, and did loads of research into the benefits of breastfeeding before his child was born. When his partner told him she wasn't going to breastfeed because she didn't like the idea of it (she comes from a family of five sisters, none of whom breastfed their babies), he was really distressed.

Luckily for them they worked it out - she did breastfeed all three of their children for over a year each and my brother was very happy about it.

I know if I was a man I'd be absolutely gutted to think my child wasn't going to have his or her mothers milk. Gutted. Even though I fundamentally believe that women should always have autonomy over their own bodies.

LargeGlassofRed · 17/10/2011 08:27

Argh number 1 - on top ten list of things not to say to a breast feeding mother.

I think if they want to increase breast feeding rates in this country they should give fathers and close relatives a top ten list of things not to say.
Also fathers should be given classes in how to incourage there partner.

NinkyNonker · 17/10/2011 08:30

Nhs classes do cover the partner's role in bf, but when we went DH was the only man there.

FellatioNelson · 17/10/2011 08:31

So why was he actually making the comment? Was it in response to something you said? Because if you were having a moan about it, there really is very little he can do to be supportive in any practical sense, as he cannot be involved with the EBB. I'm sure he didn't mean anything critical by it at all. It sounds like he was just suggesting a possible solution to whatever you were fed up about. What did you want him to say?

worldgonecrazy · 17/10/2011 08:36

Print off 101 reasons to breastfeed and give it to him. If the reduced risk of cancer for both you and your child, in exchange for a very short period of reduced sleep, doesn't give him the impetus he needs to support you in your bfing journey, it doesn't reflect well on him as a father.

FeastofBeans · 17/10/2011 08:36

The worst comment I got about my decision to BF was from my 80 year old MIL who came to visit when DD was a wk old and I was struggling and tearful over feeding issues but determined to carry on: "are you sure your breastmilk is good enough? Maybe you should give her SMA"

DH is the opposite and, in my darkest moments when I've considered giving up, has made comments like "it'll still be difficult with formula, just in different ways" and "once you switch you can't go back" d'uh..
At one point early on I was expressing top-ups and managed 60ml to which he helpfully stated "well I'd have been happier with 90"

At the end of the day you're in control of it, do what's right for you and your DC. It's hard when surrounded by voices of dissent though...

PeterSkullsWitch · 17/10/2011 08:37

My DH hates me breastfeeding too as he thinks my milk doesn't satisfy ds in the same way formula does, makes him wake in the night because it is too thin and he is hungry etc etc.

His whole family think I'm making life harder for myself and ds for very little benefit. One person suggested that I bf because I'm too attached to the baby and don't want anyone else to bond with him.

I'm not a member of the breastapo, when I'm ready I'll stop but the last thing I want to be doing in the middle of the night is fannying about running up and downstairs and cooling bottles when I can just bring ds into bed with me and feed him quickly and quietly.

Like you, I'm the one who gets up in the night to feed so the choice is down to me. DH can feed him organic honey yoghurt if he wants to give up work and stay up all night to do it . Smile and nod, smile and nod.

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