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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask dp for a night away on my own as an xmas present

33 replies

scuzy · 16/10/2011 01:00

i would love one night where i have no mess to clean up or bed time routine to do... just a long soak, clean bed, some tv and a good night sleep.

is this selfish of me? or would you be hurt if your other half asked this of you?

OP posts:

Kayano · 16/10/2011 01:04

I would feel like 'was I not good enough to come to?' and feel quite deflated

But I may be alone in that

Original poster

scuzy · 16/10/2011 01:05

was worried i might hurt his feelings so havent asked just wondered what others might think

OP posts:

boxoftricks · 16/10/2011 01:07

there is at least one mumsnetter on another current running thread atm that asked for this for her birthday and got it! So don't think you're alone, it is done!

Original poster

scuzy · 16/10/2011 01:09

its just more of a night off from motherly/wifey duties! but i know if i stay in the house i'll still feel bad listening to ds whinging where's mammy etc and i wont sleep. just love a night away a book a soak even shave the legs!!! a nice sleep some breaky then home. o heaven! but i dont want to hurt dp at the same time.

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ClaudiaSchiffer · 16/10/2011 01:12

It sounds like absolute heaven.

Ask him. When my dd2 was 8 months old I completely broke down in tears at the sheer grimness and exhaustion of having small children and running a house. I got 3 nights in Sydney with girlfriends from dh (bear in mind I live in Oz so not quite as generous as it sounds). It was utterly wonderful, I missed my family hugely, and was massively cheered up when I returned.

I really wouldn't mind and would understand completely if dh wanted to get a night or 2 away from us all. In fact I took the kids away last week to give him a break. Being married and bringing up kids is about 55% ghastly drudgery, imho it's fine to need a break.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 16/10/2011 01:14

How much child-free, chore-free time does your H get? Does he get weekends away with his mates? Business trips that involve overnight stays? If he does have trips like this then YANBU at all: a night off now and again is something that both of you are entitled to.

Original poster

scuzy · 16/10/2011 01:17

no solid self emplyed with health issues (depression) so home every night in front of tv while i mind ds. i dont think its the fact that i want to go that will annoy him but that he will have to mind ds. sigh. ah sure tis nice to dream. now that i think about it the hassle and the reluctance and the "you owe me" would take the good out of it as well as coming back to a house thats turned upside down with a cranky ds.

OP posts:

HollywoodAgentForTheLivingDead · 16/10/2011 01:29

I'd feel the same Kayano.

It must rankle with you that the reason he would mind you going is that he'd have to 'mind' your DS.

Do you have anyone else who could mind your DS while you both get away from the mundane to be adults again? (at their house so yours stays as you left it )

ShriekingLisa · 16/10/2011 01:30

Why not just ask your DH to do the bedtime routine, teatime routine etc etc, have your soak, close the bathroom door, get a book, get your DH to do the night feeds (if needed). That way you are getting 'your time'

You dont have to leave for one night! Orrrr why not get a family member to have DS for the night and spend a romantic night with your DH.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 16/10/2011 01:46

Bloody hell it sounds like the best Christmas present he could give you would be to fuck off and die.

No, really, think about it. You've got a cocklodger there, one who is earning bugger all and resents looking after his own DS, but expects to sit on his saggy arse and watch telly all night while you do everything else.

HollywoodAgentForTheLivingDead · 16/10/2011 02:02

SGV - not that it makes it any easier to live with, but I would see him less as a saggy arsed cocklodger (although I'm laughing at the visuals that's giving me ), and more as someone who had justifiable reasons for not getting his arse into gear because of having depression.

clappyhands · 16/10/2011 02:06

Bloddy hell SGVB, where does the OP say her DH earns no money

scuzy, have you anyone who could stay at yours to let you get a night away if you think DH not up to it due to depression?

SolidGoldVampireBat · 16/10/2011 02:57

'self-employed with depression issues who resents minding children' always means 'self-obsessed cocklodging lazyarse'.

ravenAK · 16/10/2011 03:29

I did this last summer - 3 days away at a festival, hotel room on my own.

I was bored rigid very quickly tbh, & next time I'll go for a weekend away with a mate instead!

But no, yanbu to want to do this. At all.

LoveBeingAWitch · 16/10/2011 03:43

.....and don't forget the undisturbed breakfast you've not had to cook with no pots after either.

This is my dream present too yanbu

vvviola · 16/10/2011 03:49

This is exactly what I got (without asking) from DH for Christmas last year. He booked me into a local spa hotel overnight. He dropped me up at lunchtime - I had a massage, a pedicure, a lovely dinner & generally just relaxed and read and had a lovely time. It was really lovely. If I didn't have a new DD, it's exactly what I'd ask for this year too.

Jess1308 · 16/10/2011 05:28

Scuzy I think it is quite a reasonable request. My husband is currently away for the weekend and is going away again to Bali with work (team building stuff) in January. When he returns from Bali I have said he can shout me a night in a posh hotel (I will be 34 weeks pregnant) as payback!

MrBloomsNursery · 16/10/2011 05:35

YANBU. I might ask for one when the sun rises, so I don't have to listen to his incessant snoring for just ONE night. Or I'll give him a present and tell him to go.

TruthSweet · 16/10/2011 06:18

I'm going on the MN Christmas meet up as my present from DH (inc. a night in a Travelodge with a few other MNers) so no YANBU to ask for a night off.

I have 3 DDs aged 2,3 & 5 as well yet no complaints or grumbling from DH at all.

nomoreheels · 16/10/2011 06:44

If he can work (self employed) then why can't he get off his arse & BE A PARENT?

sunnydelight · 16/10/2011 07:17

Of course YANBU, what's wrong with wanting a little space.

The Christmas before we emigrated to Oz I opened my "big" present from DH which was a card. Inside DH had written " you have ten days with X" (one of my closest friends who lives in Africa). He knew I was wondering if I would ever actually get to see her again - it was fab (though I hated Africa ). That is the kind of stuff that makes you know you married the right guy!

Dozer · 16/10/2011 07:24

Good thing to do, but it shouldn't have to be a special present (unless you want to go to a hotel or spa), good thing to do every so often. If money is an issue You could just go to a friend or relative's house who has no kids and say that you really just want a quiet room for the night - DH and I once went to some friends like this and got my parents to look after DD after 2 years of no sleep, the friends kindly cooked an early dinner then they went out and we collapsed in exhaustion, got loads of sleep in their comfy spare room, and all went out for breakfast. Was amazing.

Your DP should be able to pull his weight with childcare even with depression, if he's not some changes might be needed.

Original poster

scuzy · 16/10/2011 08:59

"Bloody hell it sounds like the best Christmas present he could give you would be to fuck off and die."

SolidGold thats such a fucking horrible thing to say. this is a man i love who wasnt always like this and who is suffering terrible from depression at the moment. he earns and provides for us. he just isnt a hands on dad or partner at the moment. he goes to work every day and comes home every night but when he is home doesnt do anything. i have accepted this for the moment as it is my way of helping get through things.

but to say what you did makes my fuckin blood boil. cheeky bitch. what a horrible thing to say!!!

OP posts:

SmethWitchBelle · 16/10/2011 09:07

YANBU - DH has bought me a night on my own in a hotel in the centre of town on a couple of occasions and recently I bought myself one - just to have some time to clear my head and get some proper sleep.

The more time he spends one on one with your son the more confident he will be about doing it all, and the greater chance there is of him participating more in parenting so you should definitely push to do it!

Original poster

scuzy · 16/10/2011 09:10

he has a coupleof times with night out with the girls and has greatly improved in his depression and our relationship with me and with his ds. it takes time, timei'm willing to give. hence why that comment upset me. i agree he has gotten more confidence but wonder if its worth it, the hassle, the money and the feeling he may be struggling.

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