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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if some men really do have some kind of blind spot for mess...

50 replies

dozyrosie · 15/10/2011 15:29

My DP can not seem to see the same mess that I can see, he never seems to know what needs cleaning and tidying in the house without instruction and lots of nagging. Now I am far from some kind of OCD clean freak, and as I am 24 PG fully acknowledged that I may well just be nesting. But DP seems to be partially sighted and can't do many chores properly that don't involve some kind of electric gadget or power tool that or he just can't be arsed. So I'm on the verge of giving up and just doing everything my self, it might actually be easier.

OP posts:

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 15/10/2011 15:30

Then he's won and you can resign yourself to a lifetime of skivvying.
It's not that he doesn't see it, it' s that he doesn't see it as his responsibility.
But really you know that.

mamas12 · 15/10/2011 15:31

NO they bloody well do not have a blind spot dozy
Do not be his mother too or you will be in for a lifetime of skivvying for another child who really should know better.
Nip this in the bud NOW

worraliberty · 15/10/2011 15:31

I think these problems are not so much male/female related but more that one person's idea of clean and tidy is different to the other's.

You could just as easily live with a Woman and disagree about what's tidy and what's acceptable.

CailinDana · 15/10/2011 15:32

DON'T GIVE IN!! Especially as you're pregnant, otherwise you'll become his skivvy when you're on maternity leave. He does see that mess, he just can't be arsed. He has little respect for the house you share and doesn't care that the mess bothers you, basically.

HollywoodAgentForTheLivingDead · 15/10/2011 15:32

My DH claimed he didn't see it.

But, he's since admitted some of that is a crock of shite.

He has been a little better after I could repeatedly remind him of his admission recently.

HollywoodAgentForTheLivingDead · 15/10/2011 15:33

'NO they bloody well do not have a blind spot dozy '

I thought you were being a bit shitty calling the OP dozy mamas

worraliberty · 15/10/2011 15:34

I thought the same Hollywood til I scrolled back

Sossiges · 15/10/2011 15:37

They do it on purpose. My DH did his own cleaning and cooking when he was single but now he's "forgotten" how to do any of it. Amusing, n'est pas?

EllaDee · 15/10/2011 15:45

No, they don't. They're just conditioned to ignoring it.

whackamole · 15/10/2011 15:48

I have the same with my OH. He is fine when it comes to washing up and hoovering the living room, but NOTHING else seems to register.

Our bedroom is a total tip, covered in clothes as he won't put them away without me asking him. Won't hoover or mop the kitchen floor, let alone the bathroom floor. Won't clean the bathroom bar skids off the toilet. Doesn't register dust everywhere.

I am also probably nesting as am 39 weeks today, but it fucking hacks me off that it's always me that has to put away the teetering piles of bills, or throw away the 500 take away menus we get every day.

He will do it without complaint if I ask, I genuinely think it just doesn't register with him. Or it could be that he a lazy SOB.

mamas12 · 15/10/2011 15:54

teehee she has named herself quite well UNTIL she stops enabling this shite behaviour.
Stand up for yourselves now ffs

TheRealTillyMinto · 15/10/2011 15:56

I am female & have the same 'blind spot'. it started as a child when i saw my mum doing all the work around the house & my dad doing diddly.

i have been working on it for years.

DP & i have a cleaner & DP does the cooking because he likes food & my cooking is said to be poor.

it is a concious choice.

BertieBotts · 15/10/2011 16:02

I'm female and have the blind spot too. I also have to make a conscious effort to remember and think of these things - not seeing it is not an excuse, and it's NOT a male thing.

Divide jobs up, jobs which are obvious - e.g. laundry - he will notice it needs doing when he runs out of clean clothes, and then might take more notice of the gathering laundry pile. Washing up/loading the dishwasher - he will notice when you don't have any clean plates to eat off, and then might come to the conclusion that washing up needs to be done at least once a day.

Or get him to write a rota - for himself - don't do it for him! - of what jobs he is going to do from now on, how often, and when in that timescale.

cricketballs · 15/10/2011 16:04

my dh is the same; if I ask to him to hoover, wash dishes etc then he does, without moaning but why can't he see that the carpet has crumbs on it and has to wait to be told?

nickelbabe · 15/10/2011 16:13

I don't know.
My excuse is that I don't have the time nor the inclination to do housework stuff.
DH is better at it than me - he will put stuff away when he' done with it (nless it's post, in which case it languishes on the dining table)

Nothing is ever too much that it can't be pulled into a pile and the recycling thrown out.
I've got into a routine of putting stuff away now because DH does it - but not everywhere. Most of the time I will put something down somewhere and then completely forget aboutit (which is why there are 3 bras on the floor in the sitting room... )

I have to say, thogh,that the cats are very good at making sure I move important stuff - if they don't like it being there, they piss on it
(hence quite a lot of my beautiful precious books being damaged after I'd moved in, because I'd put them in piles on the floor and they were in the cats' way)

Now that i'm pg, and too lazy tired to do stuff, DH tends to do it for me (if it's mine, though, I have to ask him to)

Birdsgottafly · 15/10/2011 16:24

If that is true, then why do so many badly treated women claim that one of the ways that their (usually) ex used to get at them, was to say that they couldn't 'keep house' like the ex mother did, or were lasy/dirty?

It happens alot in emotionally abusive relationships and i have heared it said by many men, after ending a relationship.

NorfolkBroad · 15/10/2011 16:25

Worraliberty, you are so right! I was always totally crap at tidying etc and it drove my partner mad. However, a couple of years ago I realised that my life would be alot more pleasant (not to mention that of Dps) if I tidied up more regularly so I started doing it and was amazed at how much better I felt! Absolutely ridiculous I know to only have worked this out at the age of 40!!!!! He can change OP I am living proof of that!

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/10/2011 16:28

I bet if there were piles of dishes on their desk at work or laundry hanging in their break room, they would bloody see it. It's a load of old cobblers.

BertieBotts · 15/10/2011 16:28

But only if he wants to, Norfolk.

NorfolkBroad · 15/10/2011 16:42

Too right Bertie!!

cardibachFalchoFodynGymraes · 15/10/2011 18:29

I'm with Bertie . I just don't see it. I know it's there, but it doesn't impinge, if you see what I mean. My desk at work is a bit similar (not dishes, but stuff ) MrsTP .

BertieBotts · 15/10/2011 18:33

I'm so glad there are more female posters coming on these threads saying they don't see the dirt either I used to be the only one! I definitely think it's a combination of personality/upbringing (ie "that's not my responsibility, it doesn't affect me, so I don't notice it") and even when you grow up and know it is your responsibility, you can't just make yourself start noticing it. So - reminders to yourself in other ways.

BeaHellZeBubOnSea · 15/10/2011 18:37

Regardless of whether male or female - I believe everybody can see a mess.

It just depends on whether it bothers them or not.

BertieBotts · 15/10/2011 18:44

It's not even about bothering as such (though I am sure that plays a part) - ever lost something and looked everywhere for it, only to realise it was right in front of you the whole time? That's the kind of not-seeing I'm referring to.

Original poster

dozyrosie · 15/10/2011 18:54

I guess it is not just a "man thing" then. I really need to find a way of asserting my self in a way that does not turn in to a blazing row. For me it's one extreme or the other, get walked all over or go fucking livid (generally when I've had enough). I like really like the rota idea Bertie but getting him to do that would involve nagging on an epic scale, maybe that really would be worth it though.

I think the problem started because he move straight out of MIL house in with me, and I am used to looking after myself and my house. DP on the other hand had everything done for him by MIL, so is used to it. MIL is effectively FIL's slave despite the fact that she works full-time and he is in early retirement (they are the same age and equally healthy). All I need do is remind myself that I don't want to turn in to my MIL.

Oh and yes mamas my name choice is very intentional and highly apt as many a wise MNer has pointed out. Although as I am developing a bit of a MN habit, and enjoy snooping on the AIBU board I'm considering changing it to dozynoseyrosie.

(sorry for long post)

OP posts:

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