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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with DHs coming home demeanour?

33 replies

sleepingsowell · 12/10/2011 17:20

You know how something needles you and then all of a sudden you realise exactly what it is and why you've got this background annoyance?
I hae JUST realised that DH really pisses me off when he comes in from work. He never comes in with a smile or a jolly "helllloooooooo!" It's always a long face and '"DS just let me get in the door will you?"
etc etc etc blah blah
We BOTH work full time, and I don't do this no matter what kind of crappy day I might have had. I come in with a warm smile and just get on with what DS has to show me/talk to me about.
oh, and I don't want to give too much detail but my job (taking a really objective view) is more stressful and responsible than his. So that's no excuse, if anyone was going there...........

OP posts:
ecclesvet · 12/10/2011 17:23

Trying to compare stressfulness objectively is impossible. Different people react differently. He may well feel far more stressed than you.

Original poster
sleepingsowell · 12/10/2011 17:27

Unlikely. I am the one on Blood pressure meds! He often says that he is somewhat bored at work! or that he has had a jolly time meeting with this or that person that he has known for years etc.

OP posts:
LeBOF · 12/10/2011 17:29

He sounds like a miserable sod. Have you told him it's annoying?

whackamole · 12/10/2011 17:30

It pisses me off when OH gets up at 8, goes to work for 10-4 then claims he is knackered all the time.

Really darling? Well I was up at 6, then worked 9-5 and then came home and cooked dinner before tidying up a bit and going to bed WITHOUT having had a kip on the couch.

I have a much more stressful job as well (not now, on maternity leave) and walk to and from rather than getting a bus right to the front door.

I am in a bad mood today.

Original poster
sleepingsowell · 12/10/2011 17:35

No, LeBOF. It's literally only just now that I have realised quite how annoying it is! I guess I have just put up with it. I am naturally very peaceable and I guess my natural reaction is to somehow try to make things ok! Also, it's not as if he does it all evening, he is a devoted dad and spends time with DS during the evening - so it's just this initial period when he comes in. But it DOES annoy me!
Perhaps it annoys so much because it seems a bit selfish? It's all about how HE'S feeling - he's not looking at how DS or I might be, as he's too busy thinking about himself and his journey, or being tired, or whatever it might be that day.

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepingsowell · 12/10/2011 17:37

whakamole - I know............

OP posts:
TheyCallMeMimi · 12/10/2011 19:30

YANBU. Is all well at work? Are you really, really sure it is? Could be a warning sign. Mine is inclined to this kind of behaviour as well ... he has been suffering from (medically diagnosed) severe depression & anxiety for 3.5 years, which is work-related. Just a thought.

AgentZigzag · 12/10/2011 19:45

I'm not saying your DH is a child Grin but some children have a period of adjusment between school and home, and can be really difficult until it's been made.

I would think he just wants to have a couple of mins to wind down.

I know you manage to put a brave face on it when you come through the door, but maybe he can't? Or doesn't want to?

If you're able to accept he's just like this, and it's not too bad in the grand scheme of things, and just give him a few moments grace to get back to the person you know him to be?

I would prefer DH behaved the way he is (and him accept the way I growl in the morning Grin) than make him feel he has to pretend with me.

Just say to your DS that Daddy needs a little while to shake off work and he'll be OK in a bit.

yellowsubmarine41 · 12/10/2011 19:59

My dh does something like this and I find it incredibly irritating for the reasons that you've outlined.

We have had very limited success with my pointing out that his grumpiness and 'I'm so tired' has a derogatory effect on the rest of us and makes the whole 'getting kids into bed' routine much worse.

amIbeingdaft · 12/10/2011 20:47

We had something similar, and it did change once we talked about it. I told DH that if he was a childminder I'd be looking for a new one...and I meant it. He was quite upset, he hadn't meant to be so unpleasant to our son (who was the only one then) he was just grumpy, and hadn't considered the fact that kids don't get this.

So don't ignore it, talk about it.

BaronessOrczy · 12/10/2011 21:44

I so know what you mean OP. Numerous discussions later... YANBU!

MercyDulbottle · 12/10/2011 22:03

DH is a moaning, miserable fucker when he walks through the door, all groaning and snappy and pathetic and 'can't cope'-ish.

one day it might end in divorce, seriously. I hate it. I work too, and I'm not like that.

Sad
marriednotdead · 12/10/2011 22:20

Does he have a crappy commute?
My DH can speak to me happily an hour before leaving work but by the time he's done an hour on public transport he is monosyllabic and growly for at least half an hour.

I didn't used to understand until I changed jobs earlier this year- I now brave the tube and it's not pleasant. I manage to contain my inner monster when I get in though...

maras2 · 12/10/2011 22:42

How about when Mr. Mardy Arse comes in and gives out to the child,whisper in his ear " well I suppose a shag's out the question then"?If he smiles then ok. but if he doesn't then leave the miserable sod.

IAmSamSamIAm · 12/10/2011 22:48

Have you not read Men Are From Mars sleepingsowell?

Let the poor man go to his cave for a bit, he'll be right as rain after that.

my dh does this, we just ignore him for the rest of the evening, the mardarse a little while till he feels better :o

dreamingbohemian · 12/10/2011 22:48

married has a great point -- what's his commute?

An hour on the tube in rush hour will suck the life out of the kindest soul.

incognitofornow · 12/10/2011 22:52

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ChippingIn · 12/10/2011 22:57

It is irrelevant what his commute is like. He has a small child. Fake it till you make it.

Incog - breathe on the way home. Your kids have been waiting long enough to see you, you are an adult - deal with it. I know that's a bit blunt, but really... you need to learn to 'download' on the way home.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 12/10/2011 23:00

maras WHY tf should the OP offer SEX to a mardy arse??? She's not a concubine living in 1850!

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 12/10/2011 23:01

incognito we all want that....space....but the DC have missed you and it doesn't hurt to hug them before you see to yourself. It takes about 30 seconds.

incognitofornow · 12/10/2011 23:07

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AllThreeWays · 12/10/2011 23:09

I agree with incognito, both me and DP need 10 minutes. Not that we grump at the kids, that's not ok, but after the initial hug, "how was your day", we tend to be a little "now get out of my face till I've had a coffee".

ChippingIn · 12/10/2011 23:12

AllThreeWays - that's rather the point though isn't it after a hug and a 'how was your day' ... not grumping in the doorway at the kids.

incognitofornow · 12/10/2011 23:13

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witherhills · 12/10/2011 23:17

Dh is like this. Big sighs
He also does nothing but moan on the phone to me
I switch off
He's a pain in the arse anyway