AIBU to expect my OH to help more around the house

[amy175]

We both work fulltime, he works an hour away and i work from home. This means I also do school run and organise 3 kids ready for school (7, 10 and 16). So why do I and the kids do 95% of the housework, diy and shopping?

YABU to expect him to "help" around the house. How about you expect him to DO HIS SHARE?

(sorry for shouting. It's a particular bugbear of mine!)

Oh, and if you're both full-time, his "share" will be 50%.

What clam said.

thats how i feel too.
I feel he thinks its a hotel

and of course if the kids are ill or have appointments then its me that does it.
(chicken pox fairy had visited this week).

yes, I agree with everyone else - it's his house, too, so he's doing his share, certainly not helping.

get a cleaner for a start.

and if he wont give his share of time for DIY then pay a handyman/woman.

shop online -set a weekly shopping basket then you can do next week's shop in five minutes click and go.

why do you need to organize the 16 year old?

I am obviously much too polite to shout but totally agree with Clam!

tho if you work from home and he has a commute then you "gain" from no commuting time...

he says he has too much work to do at home, but manages 2 gym trips and a evening at air cadets (7-11pm) each week. I am feeling used somewhat. All we argue about is this issue.

oldest and youngest have special needs.

so i also have a few meetings and health appointments too

We can't afford any help. I used to be a SAHM and i did it all as he worked but things have changed.

I also work 7.30-6.30 everyday, he leaves at 7.30 and gets back at 7pm so not much different

agree with all cestlavies suggestions.

The dcs should be able to sort themselves out, get the youngers ones stuff ready the night before and they just get themselves up washed and dressed plus breakfast things within their reach. plus bags packed by them THE NIGHT BEFORE.

dd does this and she's 5. All I have to do it her hair and make sure she's brushed her teeth.

Shopping delivery and cleaner and pay for house maintenance stuff. I threatened to do this and now dh does it all

Fair enough the fact 2 of them have special needs put a whole different spin on the situation. I would try and budget for just 2 hours a week help with cleaning if you can. It's £14 where we are.

he has his cadets and 1x gym visit (everyone's entitled to hobbies and outside interests) but you get a calendar and put you 2 things a week down too e.g yoga class/gym visit/see a friend/ cinema/whatever.

maybe i need to get tougher. we can't afford help but maybe i will have to do a list of chores and divide them more equally.

i just feel so resentful, which cant be good for our relationship.
I do exercise twice a week myself but i spend all weekend doing chores, while he doesn't seem to have time.

do other OHs do there fair share? or do us ladies always end up doing the lions share?

Well seeing as you used to be a sahm then your routine used to be you doing all the cleaning. That is his routine aswell.

He probably just hasn't clocked on that now you are both working that he needs to do more now.

you havent said anything like 'he refuses to do it' in your op so how about just asking him to help out now you are working and see what he says

he will probably say of course he will help out, hadn't crossed his mind. If he has a tantrum then you can come back and rant about him not doing anything lol

i have asked him and he says he has too much work to do. he now will clean the bathroom / toilet but not everyweek :(
and he doesn't cook :(

One of the main reason women get so resentful of taking on more than their fair share of domestic arrangements is not because of the physical chores involved but the amount of mental energy expended in having to remember everything and organising solutions.

It's not just buying the milk for tomorrow's breakfast, it's about having to remember to check the milk situation and see that you need to buy some for tomorrow's breakfast, and knowing that if you don't there won't be any milk in the fridge for tomorrow's breakfast. The DH in this scenario has probably never even spent 5 seconds thinking about this, just magically finding that there is enough milk for breakfast, while the OP has hours of her week taken up with just this sort of task (do we need to buy toilet rolls or toothpaste this week? I'd better just check), all of which takes far more time than the 5 minutes doing an online shop or even going shopping.

The OP is spending roughly the same hours of work as her DH, and does the school run while he is commuting. That in itself is reason enough for her DH to do more, quite aside of the SN status of her DC. They should both have equal free time.

I'd recommend you both reading Wifework by Susan Maushart, which should open both your eyes to the tasks required to keep a normal family household functioning effectively and explain to your DH why so much of what you do is invisible but would be felt hugely if you stopped doing it.

Good luck. Hopefully he's a nice guy who just hasn't thought about it enough.

thank you, that is exactly the situation. he never has worried about those things. i will get that book and hopefully he will see things differently.

Agree with Sunshine re Wifework - an amazing book!
Good luck. It's easy to fall into the trap of doing everything just because it's easier to, but if you're working FT as well then your dh should definitely do his share!!

well, you do your share and let him do his. (ie his own washing/ironing cooking if he is out when you cook. don't buty his things from the supermarket, let him organise it himself. if he complains, well you were too busy working. get workmen in to do quotes for diy stuff. it might shame him into doing it himself. especially if they turn up when he is there