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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my OH to help more around the house

39 replies

amy175 · 11/10/2011 12:42

We both work fulltime, he works an hour away and i work from home. This means I also do school run and organise 3 kids ready for school (7, 10 and 16). So why do I and the kids do 95% of the housework, diy and shopping?

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Original poster
amy175 · 11/10/2011 13:24

i like that idea blackeyedsusan. no washing done for him this week. i just went and bought that book on amazon, best £2.81 i have ever spent! i will read it then put it in his stocking at xmas!

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lovecat · 11/10/2011 13:24

It sounds like the OP has already tried to address this - she says 'he says he has too much work to do at home'.

My DH, like a lot of men, has massive cognitive dissonance about the amount of work he actually does around the house and the amount of work he really does. He just doesn't see all the crappy little jobs that need doing every day to prevent the house from descending into a complete shitpit. He certainly didn't see arranging doctors/dentists etc. as being 'work', until we had a full and frank conversation on the matter. If he's got time for the gym twice a week, where's your time for yourself?

What was suggested to me a while back on MN and did work in practical terms, was to ask him to write down what he does around the house. Then you write your list of what you do. Be as detailed as you like, all those little things add up when you're working f/t as well. Compare the two. Ask him if he really thinks this is fair? (I wouldn't phrase it in terms of 'pulling his weight' , if he's anything like my DH that just makes him overly defensive).

We are lucky that since I returned to 4 days a week we can afford a cleaner 3 hours a week. It makes a world of difference and we have only one, NT, DC. It still does fall to me to do most of the shitwork involved in cooking/food prep, but he now accepts that he's slack about it and makes it up to me in other ways (ie I spend large amounts of time out of the house involved in a drama group and he uncomplainingly holds the fort while I'm away). I'm amazed you're coping with as much as you do and am not surprised you're fed up.

Original poster
amy175 · 11/10/2011 13:32

thats a good idea, it is often the little things that add up. our youngest has splints on her legs and getting shoes/boots to fit involves hours and hours in shoe shops. once we looked at over 5 shops each with 20+ shoes in them.

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Original poster
amy175 · 11/10/2011 13:33

and birthday and xmas, he doesn't do anything. i spent the last 2 months xmas shopping in my spare time and it took 5 hours last sat night to wrap them. did he help? no, was too busy with his paperwork

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kelly2000 · 11/10/2011 13:46

Do not do 95% of the housework, do 50% (you do the school runs which makes up for his commute). When he comes home ask him what he bought for dinner? Ask him if he has ironed that skirt of yours etc.
If he refuses then do not do his laundry, ironing, cooking, shopping for him etc. Stop acting as if this stuff is your duty and you have to ask him for help. It teaches him that this is correct it is your job. If he says he has too muich work, then calmly tell him that his children will be go hungry then because you are not his maid. perhaps you should go and stay with a friend for a weeks holiday, and see how he copes.
If he is too busy to be responsible for his own children, he should have kept his jeans zipped up.

seeker · 11/10/2011 13:50

At 7, 10 and 16 with both parents working, the kids should be doing the lion's share of the housework and cooking.

eurochick · 11/10/2011 13:51

As others have said the problem is that view what he does around the house as "helping". Which means by default it is your job and he just lends a hand when he can.

The default position in our house is that we split the total combination of work (in and out of the home 50/50). I work longer hours than him and some weeks I am only at home to sleep so he will do whatever needs doing then. Other times we share the housework more equally. We don't do every task 50/50 though. For example, he is a better cook than I am so he does that whereas I always sort the washing out (if he does it I will end up with a red sock in my with whites or something). But overall we end up at 50/50. It's the only fair way.

Original poster
amy175 · 11/10/2011 13:52

my kids do help but with 2 of them having special needs it isn't the lions share.

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Original poster
amy175 · 11/10/2011 13:53

thats what i want, him not just helping me but for him to see it is both our jobs to do housework

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kelly2000 · 11/10/2011 14:06

Ask him outrght why when you both work fulltime, you are expected to do nearly all the housework? Then tell him that you are not going to do all the work, that he will have to do 50% of the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc whether he likes it or not.

cestlavielife · 11/10/2011 16:08

how severe are the sepcial needs? are you under children with disbailtiies team? can you get some extra help/respite with the DC with SN?

Original poster
amy175 · 11/10/2011 22:09

we were under the disabilities team but we haven't had any respite for about 3 years now. cut backs:(

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Original poster
amy175 · 11/10/2011 22:11

i can deal with the kids, i just need to feel that he understands how much there is to do and sees that it is his responsibility too.

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Original poster
amy175 · 11/10/2011 22:13

some days i just want to scream!

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