To be devastated my dh has looked at porn

[squarebugs]

I am sitting here weeping. Maybe I am over reacting but I discovered it on his search history this morning. He says he is embarrassed, that he hasn't done it before. He was a bit tipsy last night and looked up a site with erotic stories that he had read about somewhere. There was also a site with clips, which quite frankly looked disgusting.

We have a happy marriage and two beautiful kids. But we haven't been having sex much lately. I am tired and have a poor body image at the moment. Although he says he adores me the way I am, this has cut deep. Maybe it is my fault? He does come on to me but often I just can't be bothered. I love my kids but find them very demanding at the moment (5 and 2). He does pull his weight and gives me breaks, helps at home etc.

I have a daughter and feminist views so I am also angry and disgusted at him. Am I not good enough? Even if this is the first time it hurts like hell

But AIBU is like a hot poultice on the arseboil of mumsnet.

I'm a wanker and pruod of it :)

Ok, good to know. Don't count me in with the chorus of 'grow up' and 'get real' though please, I was supportive to the OP.

*proud

I didn't, ENM

I said you were mean to the other poster, not the OP

AF,

I think that is probably good advice for the OP but in fairness she did post in AIBU.

If she had posted saying that her DH wasn?t speaking to her because he had checked her browsing history and found some erotica there, no matter what she did for him made any difference and he was just miserable all the time etc, etc, I?ll bet at least one poster would have told her to leave him.

Her DH is having a shit time by the sound of it and really doesn?t deserve it.

I don?t feel any sympathy for the OP but freely admit to being a heartless cunt anyway. Most of the time.

A TLC section on MN perhaps? I promise to stay away.

I am supportive, but for thousands and thousands of years women have been on this earth we change through our years. Why would you think your body would be the same at 30 as at 18? Really why?

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glitterkitty Tue 11-Oct-11 21:40:15

But AIBU is like a hot poultice on the arseboil of mumsnet.

GK,

Beautifully put.

That is wonderful.

No need for a TLC section, and you wouldn't get past the front door, btw

However, I am not exactly running with the milk of human kindness myself, but it bothers me to see women putting the boot into other women who are clearly feeling very down about something so very fundamental as their self-respect

It is crap wherever it is posted

voddie your post was not supportive

unless you are going to retract your original fishwifely posturing, no amount of "I am supportive really...." will cut the mustard, I am afraid

They were anal clips, weren't they?

glitterkitty you stole my name practically!!!

fishwife haha been called many things but not a fishwife. Sorry if I feel someones self esteem needs to be bolsted up by unknown people on a website. If the Op didn't want a vary of responses and wanted ONLY support then maybe AIBU was not the place.

Being as I have been here for EVER glitterimposter I sincerely doubt that.

Ah, I was wondering if you had name-changed GlitterKitten.......

How are you?

God no YANBU to feel really hurt, upset & angry. The thing is that a lot of men do look at porn, although I'm not saying that makes it right, it can be incredibly hurtful for their partner.

I am okay AnyPhantomFucker - have been around here long enough to know the score

Voddiekeepsmesane - oh god how I wish I could think like that. But then I wonder if you were brought up to believe your worth is in your looks, in what you achieve, in a perfect exterior

Not so easy when you were raised by an abusive wanker step-father

And really I think it is no wonder some women struggle with ageing and body size. The media is obsessed with it. I recently went on a girly night away and the two friends I stayed with spent an unhealthy proportion of their free time looking through Okay and other women's mags, comparing themselves to the airbrushed monotypes in there.

I see beautiful women everyday - saggy, old, blemished whatever. Yet I can't seem to apply that to myself

Fair play to you squarebugs. Good luck and try to see the other side :)

Sharpen your claws glitterkitty,

I don't post that often and besides, I pretty much agree with what you've said, so not entirely bothered if you aren't?

I'm good thanks tyr. been lurking more lately. Hope you are well.

Oh and for what it's worth OP yab a little u

How do you feel about your husband having looked at the erotica, now, OP? After this thread? Has the thread helped at all? Has it changed your perspective at all? You said at first you were angry with him, are you still?

Hey OP, it's the finest trick of self esteem...give yourself a much harder time than you would anyone else.

Since having 4 dcs I have left my 38 kg frame, no more flat stomach (4 sections), no plump breasts, the sleep deprivation from the last two babies has aged me ten years, my eyes have always looked like this but now at 37yrs they don't look sexily oriental they look like they're heavy just because I'm older EVEN though my DSs have the same eyes, my wrinkles are beginning too. If I hold those thoughts in my head I'm never going to feel nice, so I don't, I hold my head up at the mirror (tis great for the chin), I wear ultimately flattering clothes, I smile (a lot) and always wear lipstick. I often get told I'm smiley and happy and it makes me feel nice.

Soemtimes when we pretend we are confident our mind forgets we're pretending because everyone treats us as if we are.

Much love, gorgeous.xx

starrywillow - not as angry no. I think we both need to work at getting the spark back a bit. I know that in part will come from me being kinder to myself

Posie - good advice. The irony is that when I was 18 and slimmer, I wasn't confident then either

Me neither, I had an eating disorder.....

I bet your DH thinks your gorgeous, pretend for a minute that you do too.

Great, that sounds brilliant. :D

And when I was at my slimmest I spent a lot more time worrying about how I looked, having to check a lot incase it wasn't that great after all. Sometimes I think life would be great invisible.

I think I'm at my happiest as the moment looks wise. I've come to terms with what I weigh and that there are more important things than how I look but it's taken a long time. be kind to yourself right, and work on that spark.