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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be devastated my dh has looked at porn

124 replies

squarebugs · 11/10/2011 12:29

I am sitting here weeping. Maybe I am over reacting but I discovered it on his search history this morning. He says he is embarrassed, that he hasn't done it before. He was a bit tipsy last night and looked up a site with erotic stories that he had read about somewhere. There was also a site with clips, which quite frankly looked disgusting.

We have a happy marriage and two beautiful kids. But we haven't been having sex much lately. I am tired and have a poor body image at the moment. Although he says he adores me the way I am, this has cut deep. Maybe it is my fault? He does come on to me but often I just can't be bothered. I love my kids but find them very demanding at the moment (5 and 2). He does pull his weight and gives me breaks, helps at home etc.

I have a daughter and feminist views so I am also angry and disgusted at him. Am I not good enough? Even if this is the first time it hurts like hell

OP posts:
mrsgboring · 11/10/2011 15:53

What contraception are you using OP? Is it a hormonal one? This was how I used to feel whilst on the Pill. I lived with it for years thinking I was a useless fat person who couldn't be bothered before I finally twigged what it was.

Just thought I'd mention it in case.

PrivateBenjamin · 11/10/2011 16:07

I second mrsgboring Hormonal contraception completely kills my sex drive, makes me put weight on and takes my confidence away. Maybe that is something that's affecting you OP?

Good luck with everything, both you and your husband sound lovely. :)

Whatmeworry · 11/10/2011 16:10

I suspect there is a vicious circle emerging here, and if the kids are still small its not surprising or that unusual. You need to break it by getting back into the saddle as it were IMO.

How you do that I don't know, depends on teh person - but feeling better about yourself is the best approach. Maybe an end to end session with those Gok Wan "look good nekkid" programs :)

Good point re contraception, some pills seem to really kill libido.

GalaxyWeaver · 11/10/2011 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bugsy2 · 11/10/2011 16:25

squarebugs, so sorry you are feeling down & blue. Don't be devastated though - you've probably gathered from the responses so far that porn is not necessarily that awful. Try not to be disgusted with your OH either. It is not a good to feel that you disgust someone, specialy not your OH. It could push him away.
It sounds like he loves you & wants to be with you & have sex with you - not anyone else, that's says alot about how he feels about you. It is always tough when the kids are really little, so cut you both some slack & have a bit of fun. Wink

AnyPhantomFucker · 11/10/2011 20:12

ENM your comment to stellar was a bit mean

she has her own perspective, that she is using to counter all the "oh don't be so soft, porn is fine, he's a man and he has needs" bollocks on the rest of the thread

there was actually no need for your "go away and get some perspective" attitude

EricNorthmansMistress · 11/10/2011 20:19

AF have you been on mumsnet this avo? If not you missed a rather large and silly hoo ha involving stellar and a thread about a thread in which I defended/explained my post at length and actually apologised to stellar for upsetting her
The post was rather unpleasant for me and got deleted due to personal attacks, but I assure you it has been dealt with and put to bed.
If you have seen the hooha then this is a bit unnecessary...

Nobody on this thread has said that porn is fine have they? And, yes, he does have needs, which he is taking care of on his own without hassling the OP, involving anyone else or looking at porn - or did you miss where she said it was an erotic stories site? Not actual porn? The guy doesn't have sex with his wife by her choice, he uses erotic stories to quietly masturbate on his own and he's being called a porn addict and being berated for not putting his sexuality in a box. Not fair and not right.

topknob · 11/10/2011 20:22

So did OP's dh knock one off over this or not?

AnyPhantomFucker · 11/10/2011 20:25

No, I haven't seen any hoo ha I have been shopping this arvo

I responded to what you said on this thread, ENM, isn't that what we all should do ?

if you say it was "put to bed" for you, why did you say such a horrid thing ? Confused

AnyPhantomFucker · 11/10/2011 20:26

the other thread was deleted was it ?

jade80 · 11/10/2011 20:28

Devastated? Think you're overreacting. Good luck locating a bloke who hasn't looked. Oh, and if you find one who says he never has and never will? 99% certainty he's a liar!

AnyPhantomFucker · 11/10/2011 20:29

I don't personally give a shit about Op's DH erotic reading/porn habit/whatever the fuck it is, but I do feel the need to comment on another poster being shut down in this way, when she brings her own perspective to a thread

if she later started a thread about it, of course I don't agree with that, it would be better if she stood her ground on this one...but I can see why she was upset

Original poster
squarebugs · 11/10/2011 20:30

AnyPhantomFucker - I posted on the other thread Stellar started, that I was sorry this thread ended up upsetting her. It is a shame and was never my intention. Part of me wishes I hadn't started this thread, not here anyway. But I feel a bit low.

I haven't had a haircut in months and months or bought clothes. Shopping centres break me out in a sweat. I have forgotten how to be sexy. I can't really blame dh in a way.

I have read a lot about the porn industry, I know the seedy woman damaging side to it. But I honestly think he feels a bit rejected, I have recoiled into myself because of my low self esteem and forget he has needs too. He does try - I get flowers, complimets, tenderness. He helps with the kids when he is home. I honestly don't think it is a regular thing. He was horny and pissed, and looked out of curiosity.

OP posts:
EricNorthmansMistress · 11/10/2011 20:31

Ok. OP on this thread started a new thread in AIBU complaining about my post. A couple of people posted and I was called a cyber bully and a coward by someone who hadn't read this thread. Lots of people posted telling the OP she should have addressed me on the thread in question, pointed out that they didn't feel I had been particularly out of order and that starting a thread to bitch about it was pretty poor. I apologised to the OP for upsetting her (though I stand by my comment, and I explained it further on the other thread, which I don't care to do again) and was given plenty of support over the way I had been exposed and piled on.

Like I said, I addressed it with the poster in question, who has now flounced. The thread was deleted due to its content and there we go. Done and dusted. I assure you the poster in question is not reading this thread any longer and even if she were, I have already said all I need, or want, to say on her thread.

EricNorthmansMistress · 11/10/2011 20:32

Sorry not OP of this thread! Stellarpunk started the other thread.

Original poster
squarebugs · 11/10/2011 20:33

I never intended to cause a fight Sad

OP posts:
EricNorthmansMistress · 11/10/2011 20:34

AF - that poster's perspective was distorted through her own experiences. It was not a clear minded perspective. I strongly disagree with her point of view and I thought it was very unhelpful to the OP for her to suggest that OP's H having masturbation fantasies would lead to him becoming an extreme porn addict.

That's why I questioned her perspective.

EricNorthmansMistress · 11/10/2011 20:35

Wasn't your fault Squarebugs :)

AnyPhantomFucker · 11/10/2011 20:40

Until I become a mindreader and hone my deleted-thread reading abilities, then of course I didn't know that, ENM (I am working on it, believe me...)

But I stand by my shock at your comment on this thread. It was mean, and judging by the fact that I didn't exactly resurrect an old thread here, I was justified.

and SB no, it wasn't your fault

porn threads pretty much always go tits-up

FWIW, the use of porn does ruin many relationships...was a bit of sympathy for stellar too much to ask for ?

Tyr · 11/10/2011 20:41

Sorry to be blunt but you sound like a bit of a control freak. Why were you looking at his search history?
I haven't read all the posts here so don't know if it has turned into a bunfight but the bottom line is he watched a bit of porn and soaped the snake.
Big deal. Never indulged in a little self pleasure yourself?
What exactly are you weeping about again?

AnyPhantomFucker · 11/10/2011 20:45

Personally, I find porn-user's perceptions "distorted" but there you go...

Original poster
squarebugs · 11/10/2011 20:46

No Tyr I didn't look at his search history. He lets me use his iphone for the internet, I clicked on Google to look up a recipe and the site popped up as clear as day. I was just taken aback and I am having a hard time at the moment.

But I am not a control freak and if you read the thread you would realise I am weeping because I feel a bit low about myself

OP posts:
GruffalowsMammy · 11/10/2011 20:48

Really sorry you are upset, but I don't think this is a big deal, honestly wouldn't bat an eyelid if this was DP, know would he if it were me (but then different things bother different people). Does DH know your not happy with body etc?
Perhaps he can help you to feel more comfortable with yourself, or work on finding some time just the 2 of you?

AnyPhantomFucker · 11/10/2011 20:48

Dry your tears SB

Your husband loves you, wobbly tummy and all.

Original poster
squarebugs · 11/10/2011 20:49

please expand AnyPhantomFucker Smile. Do you mean they don't understand that it can involve women being anally and vaginally hurt?

OP posts: