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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be devastated my dh has looked at porn

124 replies

squarebugs · 11/10/2011 12:29

I am sitting here weeping. Maybe I am over reacting but I discovered it on his search history this morning. He says he is embarrassed, that he hasn't done it before. He was a bit tipsy last night and looked up a site with erotic stories that he had read about somewhere. There was also a site with clips, which quite frankly looked disgusting.

We have a happy marriage and two beautiful kids. But we haven't been having sex much lately. I am tired and have a poor body image at the moment. Although he says he adores me the way I am, this has cut deep. Maybe it is my fault? He does come on to me but often I just can't be bothered. I love my kids but find them very demanding at the moment (5 and 2). He does pull his weight and gives me breaks, helps at home etc.

I have a daughter and feminist views so I am also angry and disgusted at him. Am I not good enough? Even if this is the first time it hurts like hell

OP posts:
Original poster
squarebugs · 11/10/2011 13:15

It is no judgement on any of you who watch porn, really it isn't. I have read sexy bits in books I have read (not erotica but a sex scene in a fiction book) and felt turned on. It is no different I suppose.

It just came as a surprise and at a bad time. I feel a bit low about myself at the moment. I crave to be that carefree, slim girl again with her life ahead of her. I look at my flabby tummy and saggy boobs and want to cry. Which is silly because I find something so beautiful in other women who don't have 'perfect' bodies. I feel tired and worn down and I don't really know why. I feel like I am letting my kids down because I am grumpy and have less energy for them these days.

I just want to feel gorgeous and sexy again and I doubt I ever will. Probably wrong section to post in but I just needed to talk and I know this bit has lots of posters

OP posts:
starrywillow · 11/10/2011 13:18

What would make you really happy right now without changing your looks?What would you really like to be doing?

Proudnreallyveryscary · 11/10/2011 13:19

Oh not what Worra said - I didn't read properly. I don't watch porn or like it. But I agree that adults can do what they like unless the issue has been discussed and he understood your position and agreed he'd never look at it.

PosiePetrifyingParker · 11/10/2011 13:24

I think you need to work on yourself, do some exercise, have some 'me' time where you reacquaint yourself with who you are when not being Mum. I thnk your response, the aprt about living up to it, is more about how you feel about yourself.

If you don't like the idea of your DH watching porn and you feel like it's cheating then he must respect that, I would feel exactly the same.

You will feel gorgeous again, just takes a bit of work. The day you put that dress on that you never thought you could wear and you realise you look lovely is soon....as soon as you make it.

When was the last time you had some time to try on clothes and the money to buy some? Take a good friend and no dcs and go shopping. Even when you're larger than you used to be you can find clothes to make you feel nice. Find out your iron levels too, get an early night and eat well.....oh and drink plenty of water. These are all things that I really should do too.

Original poster
squarebugs · 11/10/2011 13:25

I would just like the chronic poor body image to go away starrywillow. I don't want to change my looks but I have had 32 years of hating my body and I just want it to go away.

I don't believe I am obese but I am overweight (size 14-16) but I know if I could just find confidence in myself. My dh is not the problem it is me. He often compliments me and says I am in my prime, he says he prefers my bigger boobs and curves (I was very skinny when we met).

OP posts:
Original poster
squarebugs · 11/10/2011 13:27

Thanks Posie. Good advice

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/10/2011 13:27

If the problem is that you're feeling frumpy and grumpy then work together to fix that. Take time out from your DC's if you can. Get a babysitter or park them with a relative. Organise 'date night' or a special meal for the two of you. Maybe get in shape together with exercise or a healthy-eating kick. Treat yourself to a new haircut or a session at the beauty parlour. Find opportunities to have a laugh or get some fresh air because 'stress' doesn't help anything. Porn or erotica or whatever you want to call it is often just an escape valve. The real thing with real people who care about each other - far superior.

stellarpunk · 11/10/2011 13:39

All sounds very lovely and reasonable doesn't it? Wait until the DH/P can't stop and then reasses how it feels.

I have lived with my DH's Sex Addiction now for 9 years. In that time it drove me to the very edge and then over it. I will never be free of the worry that it may come back. Two DC saved me. ( metaphorically)

His upbringing contributed a lot to the addiction. We are working through it.

My advice would be to try to understand what your actually dealing with. Some men and women really can not stop looking at it.

motheroftwoboys · 11/10/2011 13:41

Have you really never/do you never look at porn? I really can't see why everyone gets in such a flap about it. There is an academic study just about to be published by an academic at Sunderland University that shows that porn "use" among the under 40s is now the norm and it is seen as acceptable. Like most women I don't like video porn but certainly appreciate erotic literature such as Vox. There are classics in the genre. I remember reading Forum when I was a teenager - not sure if that is still around? Wink

Proudnreallyveryscary · 11/10/2011 13:43

I'm sorry you've had such a tough few years Stellar.

Do you think some people have a predisposition towards sex/porn adiction or do you think it can grow from watching it occassionally to becoming addicted?

starrywillow · 11/10/2011 13:43

I would still like to lose the rest of my baby weight though it's decided to stay put for now. I was down about it until I went out and bought something that I looked nice in, stopped trying to fit into the things I'd had before the baby and looked in the mirror and smiled at myself. I stopped looking for the thin me and saw the me I was now. And yes, as Cogito says, a date night for you both could be good. It depends on whether the problem of you feeling unattractive would be solved by you feeling better about yourself, eg a treat for just you could do it, or whether it's feeling better as a couple that needs the work. Tell your husband you don't judge him and work on loving yourself and each other. Good luck. :)

I would just say, stellarpuck, what you could be looking at not what you definitely are. There is no suggestion here that he's got an addiction or that he's using it instead of the OP. I can read erotica for hours and then put it down again, it's not altered my marriage at all. Of course if someone does have an addiction, that is different and needs treating differently.

stellarpunk · 11/10/2011 13:44

Sorry, is that directed at me? Yes, I have looked at porn. However, I also have th ability to use it responsibly. Got to say though that it doesn't do anything for me.

If you don't see why people get in a flap, I say lucky you. I wasnt so lucky. The effects of porn nearly killed me. I wanted to die.

EricNorthmansMistress · 11/10/2011 13:45

Stellarpunk your H's issues are clouding your viewpoint here. It's like coming on to a thread where the person asks 'AIBU not to like my H having a glass of wine every day' and replying with 'well my DH is a raging alcoholic and yours will be too'. You should apply some perspective before posting.

Original poster
squarebugs · 11/10/2011 13:48

Maybe I should read some erotica, might get me in the mood again. Because right now I would rather do anything than have sex and that I find sad. It is not that I don't love or want my dh, I just feel there is a hurdle in the way and I am not sure what it is

OP posts:
starrywillow · 11/10/2011 13:52

Did you used to want to have sex? because sex isn't the be all and end all, it might be more productive to work on your own image, loving yourself, seeing how great you are, making yourself happy etc and then you won't feel unattractive in front of your husband and uninterested in sex due to low self esteem.

violet79 · 11/10/2011 13:56

maybe spend some self reflection time...trying to figure out what your hurdle might be...at this point i think recommending councelling is the obvious choice but its never worked for me so i think thats a personnal choice...and also i would definatly recommend a good old heart to heart with yuor husband..thats the best thing about having a partner...they are there to help you up when yuo fall down :)

pinkdelight · 11/10/2011 13:58

Good advice from Posie. It's no reflection on you that he does it. How you feel about yourself shouldn't be shattered by what (to me at least) is pretty standard male behaviour. I had a DS2 in Jan and still go to bed at 9pm to get some sleep. My DH stays up a bit later, watches telly, then has a pull to some porn before coming to bed. It's that mechanical. Doesn't mean anything. I'm sure he'd like more sex but he'll jolly well have to wait till I'm less knacjered. And it doesn't mean he wants sex with porn stars either. It's so not real life and decent men do know that and want their real women.

PosiePetrifyingParker · 11/10/2011 14:01

starry.... Sometimes the best way to get back to sex is to start with intimacy, have cuddles and kisses, take a leap of faith. Relax, no pressure.

stellarpunk · 11/10/2011 14:06

EricNorthmansMistress

Actually I think you will find that I too have an equally valid viewpoint and I really don't see why I shouldn't express it.

Let me be clear. I have no idea if the OP's DH has a problem, only she can asses that. Hence my advice to go and check.

It may well be a bit of wankery or a symptom of something more serious. I really don't know.

However, the manner in which you have trivialised the most heartbreaking and disturbing time of my life IS offensive. I'm not looking for sympathy but I do expect a common decency. Or I am perhaps mistaken there?

starrywillow · 11/10/2011 14:06

Absolutely.

The thing is, OP doesn't know whether the problem is with her and her husband or just her. If it's just her and she feels frumpy, I would suggest she should look at pampering herself. If it's with the relationship then intimacy might be fine. If it's just that the OP doesn't have much of a sex drive, then trying to force herself to feel lust for sex, probably isn't going to help.

PosiePetrifyingParker · 11/10/2011 14:08

Sorry starry Blush, I meant to address the OP!!

starrywillow · 11/10/2011 14:09
Grin
Original poster
squarebugs · 11/10/2011 14:12

I don't have as high a sex drive as dh no, and probably never will. But I used to have enough of one that we could have good sex once a twice a week and he would be happy with that (with for all I knew the odd wank in between). Now I never want it and I don't know why and I am worried it is going to affect our relationship, so that is why this came as a blow. I see it as a slippery slope to worse maybe?

I found it by accident btw. I was looking up a recipe on his iphone (which he willingly lets me use) and it came up quite obviously on his search history. It makes me think he is telling the truth because he hadn't tried to hide it really.

OP posts:
starrywillow · 11/10/2011 14:20

Well exactly, he hasn't tried to hide it. I like to wipe my internet history incase something happens to me and a detective pokes about on my computer afterwards, ala midsomer murders. Grin

Don't take it personally, that's my first bit of advice, because of everything you've said so far. You are feeling low and this feels like a blow but it doesn't need to be in my honest opinion.

If you feel you can, talk to your husband about everything you're feeling and see what he's feeling. Sometimes this isn't possible for lots of reasons depending on you and he as people, but it is a good thing if you can do it.

Feel good about yourself, whether it's getting some new clothes if that's possible, starting anew class, doing something you've always wanted to do, talking to a friend, just anything to realise that you're amazing. :)

And then if sex is meant to happen, it probably will. :) If not, there are other options. You could talk to your doctor if you're really unhappy about the lack of sex drive after you're feeling better about yourself.

These are just suggestions, of course.

Pendeen · 11/10/2011 15:50

".. He was a bit tipsy last night and looked up a site with erotic stories that he had read about somewhere .."

".. he says he adores me the way I am .."

".. He does come on to me but often I just can't be bothered .."

".. He does pull his weight and gives me breaks, helps at home etc .."

Oh come on! Give him a little slack!