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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be devastated my dh has looked at porn

124 replies

squarebugs · 11/10/2011 12:29

I am sitting here weeping. Maybe I am over reacting but I discovered it on his search history this morning. He says he is embarrassed, that he hasn't done it before. He was a bit tipsy last night and looked up a site with erotic stories that he had read about somewhere. There was also a site with clips, which quite frankly looked disgusting.

We have a happy marriage and two beautiful kids. But we haven't been having sex much lately. I am tired and have a poor body image at the moment. Although he says he adores me the way I am, this has cut deep. Maybe it is my fault? He does come on to me but often I just can't be bothered. I love my kids but find them very demanding at the moment (5 and 2). He does pull his weight and gives me breaks, helps at home etc.

I have a daughter and feminist views so I am also angry and disgusted at him. Am I not good enough? Even if this is the first time it hurts like hell

OP posts:
Original poster
squarebugs · 11/10/2011 20:51

That is what I find hard to accept. Erotic literature is different somehow. It may contain dodgy material but people aren't actually getting hurt

OP posts:
HerScaryness · 11/10/2011 20:52

SB, you do sound low. Can you go and get your hair cut for example, do something for yourself? Is that possible? Even a manicure or something might life your spirits a little?

I know this sounds a bit shallow, but sometimes even the smallest things can help us feel better about ourselves?

GruffalowsMammy · 11/10/2011 20:53

sorry should say I know he wouldn't bat an eyelid if it were me.

HerScaryness · 11/10/2011 20:54

Not all porn is extreme SB, most doesn't involve any pain at all. Try not to get too fixated on the extreme examples.

I am not defending porn, but there are many shades of it.

GruffalowsMammy · 11/10/2011 20:57

Just wanted to say some people like pain / s&m etc.
Surely 100% of porn is consensual and well regulated, I would have thought anything else was rape and should be viewed in a completely different light?

WoeIsMeAgain · 11/10/2011 21:01

would anyone be clutching their pearls if they saw someone reading a jackie collins book - thats soft porn after all, or how about some of the great classics - they contain pornography

as for reaching the stage where you cant give it up, thats just in extreme examples, Ive looked at porn irregularly for years and never felt addicted or depraved. Maybe some of you should be worrying more about your relationships than trying to shift the blame

AnyPhantomFucker · 11/10/2011 21:06

GM that is probably the naivest statement I have ever seen on Mumsnet

OP :: Do you mean they don't understand that it can involve women being anally and vaginally hurt?

Without getting into how many women are hurt physically, mentally and emotionally by porn because we would be here alllll night, I simply meant that porn-users will of course defend porn and say it is completely harmless. It's called rationalisation

Porn users have a vested interest in convincing others that all is fine and dandy, you see, because it makes them feel better about their own situation

starrywillow · 11/10/2011 21:07

Or Jilly Cooper. Wink

iceandsliceplease · 11/10/2011 21:08

squarebugs, you do sound really low and lacking in confidence. Agree with most other posters here that you need to do something for yourself. Do you feel a little as though you've lost sight of who you are/aren't really sure who you are any more after the DC? I feel like that quite often, and I think it's a combination of being bigger, saggier, older, DCfied, tired and a slight hankering to go back to what I (mis)remember as an easier time.
This may sound like a random suggestion, but have you thought about getting your eyebrows professionally shaped? I've plucked mine for years at home, but last summer went to the Benefit counter on a whim and had them done there for £10. the difference it made to my face was incredible. I looked younger, smarter, groomed... I felt so much more attractive in five minutes flat. Even DP could see that I looked different (and this is the man who didn't notice when I lost two stone in three months). Eyebrows. Seriously.

Tyr, if you can't be arsed to read a whole thread, then don't get so harsh with the OP.

starrywillow · 11/10/2011 21:08

On here we were discussing erotica, nothing else. No one gets hurt and it's perfectly harmless unless it becomes an addiction in which case, as with any addiction, there's a problem.

saintmerryweather · 11/10/2011 21:11

I really do think you should stop calling it porn, OP, it wasn't porn at all. I think YABU.

I find it shocking that you "can't be bothered" to have sex or show him any sign you desire him, he does everything for you and yet you begrudge him a quick tug to an erotic story, which is probably a fantasy involving you! I think you need to start taking care of yourself so you feel good about yourself again, then maybe you'll be able to make your husband feel desired so he doesn't have to look at erotica. Having said that I think its extremely normal to watch porn, and I was really turned off by the fact my ex used to go on youtube for his kicks, I'd rather he watched porn tbh.

Tyr · 11/10/2011 21:12

I have now read the whole thread and stand by my post.

AnyPhantomFucker · 11/10/2011 21:17

I am pretty sure OP mentioned there were also video clips

just sayin'...

I think OP is not going to find this thread at all helpful, tbh.

OP, maybe you could start another thread asking for suggestions on how to increase your self esteem. That is probably more what you need, love

voddiekeepsmesane · 11/10/2011 21:18

OMG and how old are you??? A bit of erotica and you are weeping yeas YABU and totally over reacting. Do some women never think that other people including their partners ever think of anyone apart from them? Get real and grow up.

saintmerryweather · 11/10/2011 21:20

There may have been video clips but there's no proof he actually watched any. I agree, self esteem needs boosting but its not fair to leave the DH feeling dirty and guilty for having a little look at some stories on the internet - he wasn't looking at other women he was probably fantasising about the OP!

Whatmeworry · 11/10/2011 21:22

Porn is not the issue here OP..... just read your own posts and you will see that.

starrywillow · 11/10/2011 21:24

As far as I can see the majority of this thread is about how OP can increase her self esteem.

maighdlin · 11/10/2011 21:26

YABU but the issue here is not DH looking at porn its your self-esteem.

AnyPhantomFucker · 11/10/2011 21:26

christ amighty, there are some mean people prowling around the internet this evening

is this "have a pop at the OP who already feels like shit" night ? Shock

Op, take my advice love, shut down your pc, hide this thread and go and have a cuddle with your husband x

EricNorthmansMistress · 11/10/2011 21:26

Erotic story websites will have clips on as advertising revenue. There is plenty of free porn on the web, if he was on an erotica site he was reading stories, not seeking out videos.

AF, do you hold erotic stories to be as damaging as pornographic films?

AnyPhantomFucker · 11/10/2011 21:32

No, I don't ENM but this isn't about me

My issue on this thread is that a poster who is already upset has been systematically told to "grow up", "get real", she is "completely over reacting", a "control freak", asked to elaborate on "what exactly are you weeping about" etc etc etc

Like I said, I don't give a shit what her husband has been doing, but it clearly upset her

Has there been some kind of empathy-removing gas in the air this evening ?

glitterkitty · 11/10/2011 21:33

I like a bit of literotica. And I like to hear of men doing this instead of porn. Using imagination v good.

OP you sound down. FWIW your DH sounds like he truly loves you- having 2 under 5 is hard on both partners, try not to be perfect and cut yourself some slack!

Oh, and AIBU not best place for this as it draws out the wankers. Try relationships maybe?

glitterkitty · 11/10/2011 21:34

AF- full moon.

AnyPhantomFucker · 11/10/2011 21:36

Nah, GK the wankers get everywhere these days

voddiekeepsmesane · 11/10/2011 21:39

Why does the OP feel like shit? Because she hasn't got a perfect pert body anymore? Like I said grow up we all get older, have children etc and bodies change its called life. I would advise to get some counselling.