to think that i have been a very bad mum

[onetoomanytoo]

ok, this is a bit tongue in cheek,
but here goes

the bad bits :
i smoked( 5 a day) while i was pg
i drank, ( one very rarely) while pg
dd was born weighing 6 lb 4 oz
was told she was very small and would always be slightly under the norm
i formula fed
no brest feeding
she slept in her own moses basket and then cot from birth,
we didn't do, baby wearing, blw or ec
if she cried we left her too it
she had baby rice at 3 months
she was left to sleep in the car if she happened to be there, ( always one of us nearby)
at age ten she was ridng her pony on her own, in the woods,
at ten she was crossing a busy main road, on her own to get to said pony
at 12 she was riding said pony on the roads ( having passed her riding and road safety exam)

the good bits :

she is now 18
is she beautiful
she is taller than me and i am 5ft 7in
she is at college doing a science based diploma
she is going onto uni next year to do a science based and very hard degree.
she is clever
she is sensible
she is road smart
she is people smart
she excels in her chosen very physical sport
she has no allergies
she has no food tolerences

so, my observations, did the good bits happen because of or inspite of the bad bits?

none of this is stealth boasting, i promise you, just some musings from my odd brain

If being over weight and pregnant, was going to poison my baby, then I would damn well lose weight before getting pregnant. Even though being very overweight can have health implications for pregnancy, the two are not really comparable.

I know I come to this too late , but really, "molly-coddling babies"?

Is there such a thing? OP, babies need what you would describe as "molly-coddling", for example the parents responding to the baby's cries! A baby cannot be "spoiled"!

Now as for me,
I am now 35
I am pretty
I am average height
I went to UCL
I am reasonably clever
I am sensible
I am road smart
I am people smart
I have no allergies
I have no food tolerences

I also have issues with abandonment and low self esteem.

Perhaps unrelated, but as per the advice of the time, I was left to cry as a baby for long periods. I was put in a nursery at 6 months old.

I want to do things differently with my own daughters.

Baby rice does contain calories just not as many as milk. A three week old baby does not need baby rice it needs milk. It is dangerous to feed a three week old baby rice.
We all know that smoking whilst pregnant is dangerous for the unborn baby. I just don't know how you can justify doing it. The OP sounds like she is bragging about it.

I'm not the OP but I read the OP's post as these are the things that I am now told I did wrong and being made to feel badly about and yet in my situation, it was all fine. No one likes to be told that they are doing things wrong or have done things wrong and yet on here, we all seem to like to do it and make people feel bad about their choices.

When you say dangerous, in what way is it dangerous to feed baby rice? The baby might be sick, but babies are often sick with formula at first too.

We all know that smoking while pregnant has harmed some unborn babies and so as a risk factor, it's a good one to cut out, but I wouldn't judge the circumstances around someone doing it without knowing what those circumstances are.

Doctor advising weaning at 2-3 days in 1953 www.babymanualnotincluded.com/blog/?p=30 peaches and pears suggested as a starter at 17 days.

I struggle to think of circumstances where smoking during pg is excusable. I would go so far as to say that if you would struggle to give up smoking during pg, then you should have really good contraception and make sure you don't put yourself and your baby in that position.

Much bigger problems than a bit of sick. Early weaning is linked to obesity and all of associated problems, gut and bowl problems and kidney problems. By weaning before 4 months you are taking a risk with your childs health.
And the advice not to wean early and not to smoke was the same 18 years ago. So it's not a case of now being told it's wrong.

It's true to say, most children grow up ok however they are parented.

Of course some unlucky ones die of cot death, get gastro enteritis from formula feeding, infections and intolerances from early weaning, suffer poor attachments etc.

But what you don't know onetoomany is what more your dd could have been had you not done those things. You have no counter-factual.

YABU.

I think it's great that your daughter is doing so well. However, I didn't do half of the things in your "bad mum" list either - with the exception of BF and trying to wean as close to 6 months as possible, I don't remember getting the impression from anyone that they expected me to. No one else's business!!

I think given all the evidence, and despite all arguments/protestations I will stick to my way...mollycoddling. I.E.: Always responding to DD when she needs us, keeping her close, breastfeeding, waiting to 6 months to wean, watching what I eat, giving up smoking and drinking when starting to TTC etc. It is what I plan for the next one, even though am still early doors at 11 wks. I wouldn't say we are intense parents at all, whatever that means.

If everyone can hand on heart say they would do nothing differently then fair play.

I have never been under any pressure to do anything either, I think some people must be unlucky in who they encounter.

For goodness sake, some of you need to lighten up!

Onetoomany, I get your point, your daughter sounds lovely and it's great that you're proud of her.

Actually, I think some of the earnest (slightly scary!) responses have illustrated your point even more than your original post.

P.S- You know the 'guidelines' that some of you are so in thrall to? They're all exaggerated because of the really thick people. Honestly. For example: SPF 15 is sufficient but the WHO is changing the guideline to 50 plus. Why? Because they've concluded that many people couldn't use factor 15 properly by not putting it on often enough, rubbing it in properly etc. So it's changed to a higher factor to account for that. The same with pate in pregnancy (you could actually get away with a small amount each day before you exceed safe levels), alcohol in pregnancy and so on.

Congratulations Ninky!

If you are already pregnant and say, a teenager, worried, scared, depressed and with a twenty a day habit, I wouldn't judge you if you were unable to kick the smoking during your pregnancy.

Babies can die of cot death no matter what you do. They can also become very ill for no reason and we can't necessarily breast feed, Rita, so would it do any good to blame us for our babies getting gastro enteritis?

I know a woman who was taken into care at age 6 because her parents couldn't look after her. She was shuffled from foster home to foster home and went to 13 different schools by age 10. She is now a strong, confident, talented woman who is admired by many. Is it because of her shitty childhood, or despite it?

I don't think there is anything wrong with the things you did, but you can't really say one way or the other, if your daughter is so great because you disobeyed the rules (there weren't so many rules 18 years ago anyway) or despite that you disobeyed the rules, or because you didn't fuss about being teetotal but instead concentrated on nurturing her in other ways. Probably the latter? Or she was just born smart?

Riding horses across the road at age 10 sounds like inspiring confidence in a child. My mother always worried sick about me having accidents and I nearly died merely falling over in the house. Just to say, neither way is right or wrong, but it does sound like quite a lot has gone well, so, that's good. I hope my daughter turns out that well, too, though when offered to ride a horse she chickened out - but she's still only 7.

I promise to try to "lighten up", however I still think that

"if she cried we left her to it" is not a good approach with babies!

Ahh, but you haven't said whether you were a SAHM or a WOHM .

Your DD sounds fab, not surprised you are proud of her. But you are a dingbat for smoking when pg, and leaving a baby to cry is pretty shitty imho.

What rot. Spf15 is sufficient..for who, and where? For all skin types in all countries, what a moronic statement.

MarianneM's post really resonates with me. I too was left to cry it out as a baby and was put in daycare from 5 months old. I have significant attachment issues, find it hard to trust people and am generally paranoid that I'm not loveable.

I had five years of therapy that helped enormously. My therapist told me that during the first three years of my life, I was never enabled to form secure attachments, hence the issues now.

I find it strange how some people think that you can parent like the op describes with absolutely no consequences. Every parenting style has it's benefits and drawbacks. I parent to minimise distress and anxiety to my child which means NEVER leaving him to cry, letting him know how loved he is NO MATTER WHAT.

Sorry but I find this an emotive topic.

BTW I'm not knocking daycare, but the nursery I was in was shit. It was 1975.

I was weaned at 6 weeks... just reading more of the posts now. In 1966, 6 weeks was when babies were given solids. My mum saved my baby book. I don't have any allergies.

Thanks! If someone could let DD know (14 months) that she needs to go easy on her mother for a little bit that'd be great.

And yes, I probably do need to lighten up. (But factor 15 would be nowhere near enough for me, sadly.)

Isn't that another whole debate? Some parents never ever leave their child to cry and they are still co-sleeping when the child is 10.. but isn't that up to them? the general consensus is not to let newborns cry, but at what age do you let them cry a little if they have been fed and changed and already had lots of love and attention that day? Do you let children keep you up all night until the children are teenagers if that's how long it takes them to learn sleep through the night? OP isn't specific about what age she left her 'baby' to cry..

(sorry I was responding to a post about crying that seems to have disappeared... can people delete their own posts?)