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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that i have been a very bad mum

139 replies

onetoomanytoo · 10/10/2011 23:33

ok, this is a bit tongue in cheek,
but here goes

the bad bits :
i smoked( 5 a day) while i was pg
i drank, ( one very rarely) while pg
dd was born weighing 6 lb 4 oz
was told she was very small and would always be slightly under the norm
i formula fed
no brest feeding
she slept in her own moses basket and then cot from birth,
we didn't do, baby wearing, blw or ec
if she cried we left her too it
she had baby rice at 3 months
she was left to sleep in the car if she happened to be there, ( always one of us nearby)
at age ten she was ridng her pony on her own, in the woods,
at ten she was crossing a busy main road, on her own to get to said pony
at 12 she was riding said pony on the roads ( having passed her riding and road safety exam)

the good bits :

she is now 18
is she beautiful
she is taller than me and i am 5ft 7in
she is at college doing a science based diploma
she is going onto uni next year to do a science based and very hard degree.
she is clever
she is sensible
she is road smart
she is people smart
she excels in her chosen very physical sport
she has no allergies
she has no food tolerences

so, my observations, did the good bits happen because of or inspite of the bad bits?

none of this is stealth boasting, i promise you, just some musings from my odd brain

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 11/10/2011 08:58

I am sorry though OP, I do realise what you were saying (not to sweat the 'small stuff' as they will be what they will be) and it is a lovely sentiment, your daughter sounds like a credit to you.

GHAHSTLYGHOULYpants · 11/10/2011 09:16

the1stmrsdeveere I know your story, sorry if this thread hit a nerve. UnMNetty

notlettingthefearshow · 11/10/2011 09:20

I think OP's point is that there are no golden rules when it comes to parenting, so parents shouldn't freak out if they can't / won't follow the latest advice to the letter. Am I right, OP?

It could well be that none of these things make any difference to how children turn out - but we all like to think they are within our control.

PeterSpanswick · 11/10/2011 09:29

All sounds much more fun than parenting these days! Grin

I envy my mil sometimes when she tells me stories about DH and his brothers and their childhood. She would never have worried about some of the nonsense I beat myself up about!

TandB · 11/10/2011 09:32

I find it odd that the OP's first post is dressed up as a "each to their own", "no right and wrong" type musing.

And her second criticises those who "molly coddle" their babies.

So what you are basically saying is "There is no wrong way of doing things - look at how my DD turned out. And by the way, some of you are doing it wrong."

NinkyNonker · 11/10/2011 09:34
Grin
shewhowines · 11/10/2011 09:48

In retrospect I worried too much about doing it right. I read all the books and stuck rigidly to all the rules. I wish I hadn't and was more relaxed about the whole thing. It stresses the parents and it stresses the child when you are so anxious "to do the right thing." If I was to start again, I would relax more, and use common sense more. They will grow up well regardless, with love, fairness and consistency. As someone else said, "don't sweat the small stuff". Do what feels right for you.

LunaticFringe · 11/10/2011 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoobyNoob · 11/10/2011 10:13

Oh my God. I cannot believe the reaction this post has got.

She was simply just musing about how she bought up her DD years ago, and how now things have changed in terms of weaning, advice from doctors and so forth.

And sorry, but I too know MrsD's story, and yes she needed to apologise for her outburst. There was absolutely and utterly no need for it whatsoever and has missed the total point of the OP.

Olivetti · 11/10/2011 10:20

Not massively inspired by the argument (sorry), but just a question, is 6lb 4oz small? My baby was 6lb 8oz and nobody said anything at all. She's grown fine. I didn't smoke, but don't really care what you did, to be honest - up to you!

pictish · 11/10/2011 10:26

Good OP.

Prepare to be pecked to shreds though.

pictish · 11/10/2011 10:30

Oh and it is also my unshakeable belief that a lot of the rah rah rah intense do-it-the-same-way-as-me-or-you-are-practically-abusing-your-child posters on here are economical with the truth as well. It's very easy to be the perfect, adhering strictly to the latest guidelines, no-sweets-or-tv-here mother online.

starrywillow · 11/10/2011 10:32

I really like the original post. It does feel like I'm being told what I'm supposed to be doing and people are trying to make me feel guilty if I do something else even if I find it very difficult, eg, breast feeding which was an absolute nightmare and upset my daughter terribly for weeks until I finally finally (after lots of pain, crying and misery) moved to formula. The other thing is that advice has changed anyway through the years and will do again. Usually I've found we know what's best for our own children and don't need to bother too much if other people don't agree.

Well done for posting this OP, lots of the things we're told are very important, make no difference in the end and if you're less worried, things are usually more successful. There is no right and there is no wrong apart from in a very few cases and what's thought of as officially right now, will have changed by this time next year anyway.

diddl · 11/10/2011 10:43

I didn´t smoke or drink & had 2 low birthweight babies.

But, they were both healthier than the low birthweight baby in scbu whose mother had smoked & drank throughout pregnancy.

So I guess some babies don´t suffer for it & some do.

wordfactory · 11/10/2011 10:47

I don't know why posters are being so aggressive. The OP seems to me to be saying, look, I'vedone a lot of this parenting lark wrongly and my DD is lovely.
Try not to worry too much mums.

Surely that's a good message.

PerryCombover · 11/10/2011 10:50

nice post op

CaptainNancy · 11/10/2011 11:47

My neighbour smoked( 5 a day) while pg
she drank, ( one very rarely) while pg
child was born weighing under 7lbs
she formula fed
no brest feeding
DC slept in their own moses basket and then cot from birth,
she didn't do, baby wearing, blw or ec
if DC cried she left baby to it
baby had baby rice at 3 months

Baby was in care by the time they were 15mo.

There are a hell of a lot of other factors involved in raising a child to 18 successfully.

horribledinners · 11/10/2011 11:54

mollycoddling babies. whatever next?

minouminou · 11/10/2011 12:08

the plural of anecdote is not data.......
EricNorthmansMistress.....for that phrase alone, I shall let you have your fun with MY Eric.

HenriettaFarthingay · 11/10/2011 12:09

Haven't read the whole thread (don't have time, have stuff to do) but I'd like to comment on one or two comments. Someone said there were still smoking rooms in maternity units 8 years ago - not in mine there wasn't, well not unless they re-introduced them. My three girls are 30, 29 and almost 25 - there was no smoking room in the maternity unit. My son is 35 - yes there was a smoking room, but mums were actively encouraged to give up in pregnancy.

Sometimes I feel that mums nowadays think we older mums hadn't a clue.

btw well done to the OP on bringing up what sounds like a lovely, well balanced young woman.

NinkyNonker · 11/10/2011 12:11

I think that is fairly equal Henrietta...it appear many older mums are very scathing towards younger mums.

I don't think it was necessarily the OP that got backs up, but the subsequent post.

HenriettaFarthingay · 11/10/2011 12:16

You're probably right Ninky - sorry I went off on one there, just felt a little frustrated.

NinkyNonker · 11/10/2011 12:26

Not at all, I think the key is we all feel a little got at at times!

EricNorthmansMistress · 11/10/2011 12:27

Minou
I'd love to take credit for it but it's a Mumsnet phrase!

MrsStephenFry · 11/10/2011 12:42

I can assure you that 16 years ago (and 20, 30+ years ago) any woman with half a brain knew that smoking during pregnancy is at best a twattish idea. This notion that we didn't know any better then is actually quite insulting.

You got lucky, I wouldn't be so proud of that.