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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that i have been a very bad mum

139 replies

onetoomanytoo · 10/10/2011 23:33

ok, this is a bit tongue in cheek,
but here goes

the bad bits :
i smoked( 5 a day) while i was pg
i drank, ( one very rarely) while pg
dd was born weighing 6 lb 4 oz
was told she was very small and would always be slightly under the norm
i formula fed
no brest feeding
she slept in her own moses basket and then cot from birth,
we didn't do, baby wearing, blw or ec
if she cried we left her too it
she had baby rice at 3 months
she was left to sleep in the car if she happened to be there, ( always one of us nearby)
at age ten she was ridng her pony on her own, in the woods,
at ten she was crossing a busy main road, on her own to get to said pony
at 12 she was riding said pony on the roads ( having passed her riding and road safety exam)

the good bits :

she is now 18
is she beautiful
she is taller than me and i am 5ft 7in
she is at college doing a science based diploma
she is going onto uni next year to do a science based and very hard degree.
she is clever
she is sensible
she is road smart
she is people smart
she excels in her chosen very physical sport
she has no allergies
she has no food tolerences

so, my observations, did the good bits happen because of or inspite of the bad bits?

none of this is stealth boasting, i promise you, just some musings from my odd brain

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 11/10/2011 07:45

I think people are able to see the inherent criticism of all these modern molly coddles. From someone who very obviously wouldn't like it were someone to criticise their methods. I couldn't care less, I mean Hmm and would have laughed along were it not for the patronising follow up posts.

But there has been a lot of this on MN recently, competitive laissez faire.

ladyintheradiator · 11/10/2011 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cory · 11/10/2011 08:15

When people say that "18 years ago parenting was something we just got on with" I think this shows the effect of the passing on time on the memory rather than any actual laid-backness of the 1990s.

I had my first in 1996 and very clearly remember my mum saying the same thing to me then, re her childrearing experiences in the 1960s. And if it was even true in the 60s, why the enormous relief when Dr Spock came on the scene to tell mothers that it was ok to cuddle a baby when it cried? If all mothers were laidback and knew what they were doing, how come anyone bought his books or any of the other childrearing books that proliferated in the 60s?

First parents have always worried about their parenting, though they have worried about slightly different things. The same mothers who read up obsessively about BLW today would have been obsessing about what week to introduce the baby rice in 1991, whether you could pick up a crying baby in 1961 - and no doubt whether you were flogging enough to beat out original sin in 1691.

But in retrospect, looking back and feeling the wealth of experience we have now acquired it is easy to imagine that we always had it and that it is only the most recent new mother who is pathetically clueless that she actually worries about these things. In retrospect I am the calmest mother there has ever been. If only the Bounty bag could have come with a healthy dose of retrospect.

MmeLindor. · 11/10/2011 08:19

I must be reading a different OP from everyone else.

The way I read it, the OP is musing about fashions of parenting. How 20 years ago dummies were frowned upon and few women bf.

And how nowadays there are other parenting ideas.

Most of them have little influence on the life and health of the child (aside from smoking, but even children of smokers generally survive to adulthood without many problems).

Lets be honest, whether you BLW or not is not really going to influence the life of your child.

The more important aspects of parenting is teaching the child respect and tolerance, being there for the child, listening and taking the child seriously, bringing up the child without violence or fear.

Maybe we do concentrate too much on the little details instead of being a bit more relaxed, but the OP is not saying that what we are doing is wrong.

Just observing how much has changed.

MmeLindor. · 11/10/2011 08:19

oh, yes Cory. Exactly.

pumpkinsmash · 11/10/2011 08:20

hate these threads. dont see point to them

Piggyleroux · 11/10/2011 08:23

And the point of this post is?

All you are saying is that your style of parenting put your daughter at risk for SIDS. All the risk factors were there. You just got lucky.

Spouting this sort of anecdotal shit is stupid at best. The guidelines are there for a reason you silly, boastful woman.

ShroudOfHamsters · 11/10/2011 08:25

You sound massively insecure, still trying to justify your choices 18 years later.

hardboiledpossum · 11/10/2011 08:26

Smoking when they you are pregnant is incredibly selfish. Weaning at 3 months old is taking a risk with your babies health. Maybe if you had breast fed instead of formula feeding she might be a little cleverer and be doing A levels instead of a science diploma. Leaving your baby to cry seems pretty cruel to me.

BatsUpMeNightie · 11/10/2011 08:29

Weaning at 3 months old is taking a risk with your babies health - says who? Is it set in stone? Why should we swallow this as gospel?

GHAHSTLYGHOULYpants · 11/10/2011 08:31

Well your post back fired massively! Bet we wont see the op on this thread again.

The drinking and smoking--why?!
Leaving a baby to cry--yuk!

why would you post this drivel?

We all make personal parental choices, but hang them out like dirty laundry to tell us all that "never did her any harm" is a load of crap.

WhereTheWildThingsWere · 11/10/2011 08:32

Yes well we've all heard of someone who is 96 and has smoked 60 a day all their life.

They have got to that age despite smoking, not because of it.

Op glad you have a fantastic daughter and you are not a bad mum, just an okay one, like most.

Super odd post though.

EricNorthmansMistress · 11/10/2011 08:34

the plural of anecdote is not data
some of your decisions when your DD was small were poor ones. You put her at risk by ignoring advice (and yes, the advice 18 years ago was still not to smoke during pregnancy)
Your DD has turned out great. Well done. Strangely, the parenting decisions we make past infancy also tend to have an impact on how children turn out.
I'd say you are attaching too much importance to the impact of decisions you made 18 years ago. Of course smoking during pregnancy doesn't affect whether your DD grows up to be socially awkward. But it could have affected her birth weight, her breathing, or caused her to die in her sleep as a baby. It didn't - lucky you.

Pagwatch · 11/10/2011 08:35

I think the op is trying to make a reasonable point but has just unfortunately done so on a slightly clunky and somewhat pleased with herself manner.

But she didn't mean any harm. Just misjudged her. Let's not set the room on fire

NinkyNonker · 11/10/2011 08:35

Urgh, I can see myself hiding another thread...were you not following any guidelines back in the day Bats? Or is it just the modern ones you are so scathing of? How do you feel about people who don't vaccinate? Are they crazy or just not swallowing everything as gospel?

MmeLindor. · 11/10/2011 08:37

Hardboiledpossum
To say that the op's dd might be cleverer if she had bf is ridiculous.

BatsUpMeNightie · 11/10/2011 08:38

urghh yourself ninkynonker. Just yuk. Yuk yuk yuk. Bleurrrrrrrgh.

G'wan - hide the thread! Do us both a favour!

NinkyNonker · 11/10/2011 08:44

Oh I do love a reasoned discussion. Grin I just don't get why listening to guidelines is the subject of such ridicule?! I mean, guidelines change as times and knowledge change, people are quick to tell us that we have to move with the times (buggies, formula etc) and yet when it comes to weaning guidelines these should never change apparently? This scathing scepticism of any form of recommendation just seems so odd.

hardboiledpossum · 11/10/2011 08:46

Weaning at 3 months old is taking a risk with your babies health - says who? Is it set in stone? Why should we swallow this as gospel?

Plenty of scientific studies show that lots of babies are not ready for food before 17 weeks. The WHO The NHS. Yes most babies will be fine but you are taking a risk.

NinkyNonker · 11/10/2011 08:49

No no no, bad Possum....MN knows best. Silly doctors.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 11/10/2011 08:53

Well done you. Fantastic I am really really glad that you have a beautiful 18 year old daughter. Genuinelly pleased.

Your child is a alive because you are fucking lucky try not to forget that.

ScaredBear · 11/10/2011 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hardboiledpossum · 11/10/2011 08:54

Hardboiledpossum
To say that the op's dd might be cleverer if she had bf is ridiculous.

Why is it ridiculous? There is scientific evidence that breast feeding your child boosts their IQ.

EightiesChick · 11/10/2011 08:57

A child turning out well doesn't mean someone hasn't been a bad mum, just as being the perfect parent wouldn't guarantee a healthy, intelligent wise child. The phrase you're looking for, OP, is 'causes are complex'.

NinkyNonker YES - exactly. Competitive laissez faire (genius phrase) is very popular at the moment.

cory excellent post with some perspective - thank you.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 11/10/2011 08:57

Sorry.