about dh's bonus

[bath4]

Dh has a good job and earns enough for me to be a SAHP. We have a joint account which I rarely use and a joint credit card. I use this for day to day stuff. I don't spend a fortune on myself. Just buy essentials.
DH has just received a bonus. He has spent £200 on stuff for himself and £50 on each of 3 dc's. He has never said to me why don't you get something too.
Now in theory I could buy something but its not really about that.
I just want to treated as an equal. My contribution to household may not be monetary but its still important.
AIBU

I am a SAHM to 3 DC. My youngest started school this year and before he started my DH was making mutterings about me being able to get a job now. I have just had 3 weeks in bed being very ill so he has had to deal with everything, needless to say he now appreciates why I am a SAHM. The house looks like a tornado has gone through it, the DC have missed various things, deadlines have been missed and all sorts. Thankfully DH earns enough so we are comfortable, not rich but not struggling too much. We always share what is family money and always have, even when he was at uni and I was the one working.

"Hungrydragon Tue 11-Oct-11 07:19:20

Xenia, out of interest. Sahm / wohm aside
If your dp bought a gift for themselves and your children all on the same day, would you be hurt they hadn't considered you at all?"

I'm exceptional. The best gift for me is to clear possessions from the house. I am very very unmaterialistic. A present normally clutters. I don't drink. I don't really like jewellery. I don't even eat chocolates. So in my case not at all and most parents are happy i f there is spare money it goes to the chidlren as we tend not to compete with our children. I suppose I can buy almost anything within reason I might want to buy but I just don't have that urge and may be I am able to afford things because I don't spend much.

Also if you love someone you're normally fairly happy they spend money on themeselves. Also how can anyone who is economically inactive and does one of the last regarded jobs in the UK and even if it's paid its worth is about the minimum wage (cleaning, child caer etc) whih is low grade and boring except to be appreciated by anyone?

Xenia - do YOU appreciate those who do 'low grade' and 'boring' work?

callmemrs - yes, in fact scottishmummy said exactly that, that being a SAHP isn't work on the very first page and told her to 'behave' for expecting a bonus since she doesn't 'work'.

No, being a SAHP isn't a job in the economic sense, but why is a job in the economic sense the only defining criteria? Why is it OK to be reliant on a profit-making entity (i.e. an employer) who, at the end of the day, has its own best interests very much at its heart, but it's not OK to be reliant on someone you love and who loves you and who presumably has your own best interests at heart as well as his or her own and your family's?

And as for 'it's what parents do', well, no, it's not what parents do. Not if you go out to work for an employer and sub the cleaning and childcare work out for the vast bulk of the day, and are only home for breakfast, bath time and bed (if that, in many cases).

Xenia and ScottishMummy, I think you are one in the same person sometimes just from different ends of the country!

xenia, it always baffles me when you complete dismiss people who do low grade jobs as to who exactly you think should be doing this work? Surely we can't all be at the top of the pyramid or the whole thing would just collapse?

Xenia

That's a similar attitude to me. DH and I aren't big on the gifts either. But enjoy spending on the kids. If we need something and can afford it we buy it. If we want something and can justify the cost the same. Although for want, it has to be money I have earned, DH appreciate this is my issue though

However, I can also understand the op being hurt in terms of her relationship too

Xenia you asked 'how can anyone who is economically inactive and does one of the last regarded jobs in the UK and even if it's paid its worth is about the minimum wage (cleaning, child caer etc) whih is low grade and boring except to be appreciated by anyone?' (I assume you mean expect to be appreciated...)

How about: because it's fair and right to appreciate the work any individual does, without automatic reference to what they earn?

Xenia,

Most men (and women) appreciate the partner who brings up their children. As far as I am concerned, it is the most important job, especially during the early years. The fact that babies and young children do not know much yet does not mean they lack intelligence. They are like v powerful but unprogrammed computers, with a v powerful neural learning programme. To me that means that bright babies need to be stimulated by bright people; ideally, in my opinion, one of their parents. To believe that delegating this to some "child carer" on minimum wage is an adequate substitution is, in my opinion, very naive. The research, although equivocal, seems to generally bear this out.

Also there is this huge assumption that the person who controls the finances always does better. I control 90% + of our family's money as I came into our marriage relatively wealthy and my wife had nothing. However, I put my family first and would never consider treating myself at the expense of my wife or children. Some people are just not entirely self centred.

Nobody has a perfect life but with me at home, it's as near as it can be. I can honestly say I am utterly content with my life and like Morloth, we run our lives to suit our family and couldn't give a fig what women like SM and Xenia think.
It's been said before but it's worth repeating.
If you are truly happy with the choices you have made, you don't denigrate and abuse those made by others.
I firmly believe that because all the content people I know couldn't care less how others live.

hungrydragon

"If your dp bought a gift for themselves and your children all on the same day, would you be hurt they hadn't considered you at all?"

Sometimes my husband does that, sometimes I do it, but it never was an issue and didn't think it should be. We're not keeping lists of who is getting what when. I think it'd be very sad if we couldn't treat ourselves or the children without also always buying something for the other at the same time too.

How you feel about your partner not giving you a gift is surely dependent upon the bigger picture of your relationship and monetary setup.

See, in this instance, I wouldn't have had a problem with not getting a gift and would have been pleased on the kids' behalf to see them pleased to receive something. But then I don't generally feel hard-done-by or unappreciated by DH and the family. I'm happy with the contributions (financial and otherwise) we each make to the family pot. Most weeks DH gives me flowers, most days he'll bring me drinks/snacks and look out for me. Why would I throw my toys out of the pram for not getting something from a bonus?

But, before scottishmummy has another go at me for making this about me, if you're not feeling appreciated generally, or you feel your DP is hoarding his money because he earns it and is in a position to bestow gifts on those he feels are worth it, and you're feeling a bit touchy about being financially dependent, then yes, it would be a bigger deal.

So, OP I don't think YABU in these circumstances.

What I would like to know from SM is this, if you earn considerably less than your partner, how does that work? Because if the earn more than you, are you not living off them just like the much loathed housewife?

Oh they live in cloud cuckoo land Slacking, where everything is viewed in monetary terms.

I'm just like you, completely happy with being the unpaid half of our team. Much appreciated by my DH who does gets paid but wouldn't swap roles with me if offered as I wouldn't with him.

Works perfectly for us and our DC's, surely that is what matters in the long run?

It's a gerat pity it's always the woman stuck at home bored depressed and her career shot to pieces getting little thanks or appreciation from anyone. There is ap olitical point here that we want more women in positions of power and that will never happen as long as on threads like this there are many many many more women playing sec ond fiddle in careeer terms to a man compared with men doing that for women.

Of course I hired people of both sexes to do things for me. That's how capitalism works and women in all cultures and at all times, and men, have found help with the duller jobs. As I've said before the romans had slaves, the Indians in Africa use African servants, the Victorians had armies of people to help them and so it goes on. Very very few people unless they really could never have earned much at all want to do 24/7 house cleaning and child care and most husbands know that many wives would never be happy just doing that when they hvae an interesting career and also realise the children of working mothers tend to do better not worse than those of housewives.

People have different life experiences that leads to them having different beliefs and different values.

What is important to me may not be as important to someone else etc.

The good part about Mumsnet is that you get to chat about many different ways of life.

Best not to take things personally.

You have no way of knowing what the actual circumstances are of people who post here. Any poster could well be a hairy handed trucker named Steve. Who knows.

Stuck at home? bored and depressed?

do you ever read anyone's posts, Xenia?

I know what would depress me, working all hours and then going home to be a single mother.

Good job we're all different, though, hey?

There is no understanding at all from you Xenia,that people are different.

I'm sure that being a bigwig earner makes you happy. It also makes DH happy so I know that. But it would make me desperately unhappy, stressed and miserable.
Thankfully, in life we all have choices, it's about time some people started accepting and respecting other people's.

Xenia,

You are clearly very successful so why do you protest so much at others' choices? Are you trying to convince yourself?

Monetary value is only one measure of success. I know of many of my female cambridge colleagues who CHOSE to drop out of very high powered jobs to bring up their own children. They did not feel pressurised into doing it as they were all earning enough to hire very expensive nannies and still be a lot better off. They have not given up on life to be skivvies. Most have cleaners for the skivvying. They do, however, bring up their own children, have time to pursue hobbies, often continue to educate themselves intellectually and most return to some kind of part time career.

It is a very modern thing to measure success in terms of work. People used to look down on those who had to work and were grateful that they could use their mind on higher planes. They would regard those who had to do repetitive day-to-day work (as 90% of jobs, including running a business, consist of) as skivvies. It might seem strange to someone who measures success by the number of pounds in their bank but some female friends of mine who regularly read shakespeare, play a musical instrument at a very high standard and can help their children with all subjects up to A level standard would consider themselves to be infinitely better off than someone who is stuck in an office 8-6pm, churning out similar spreadsheets or managing stroppy staff.

I think this has to do with the feeling that if you don't bring home a wage you don't really contribute.
I know you will all now pretend that this isn't the case but at its heart it is.

If the OP really believed that she contributed equally in the household she would have no issue spending whatever she needed on herself and having an equivalent bonus
If her H felt that she were contributing equally he would have discussed the bonus as theirs and they would have decided what way to split it up.

The OP either needs to value her role as equal and behave as such or get another role that will make her feel equal which I would imagine will combine childcare, home maintenance and something that is paid in hard cash.

It's hard to feel anything other than beholden if you aren't in charge of your own destiny

this habitual assertion that if comment on housewifery means must have
so called "ishoos"
be thwarted and really desire to be sahm
be crushingly unhappy and projecting

oh dear god step away from the frasier box set. I mean really?

my ideological belief, is quite simply
? work is productive, good for mental health and emotional well being. numerous research and outcome measures attest this
? it is good role model for girls to see their mum work and demonstrably contribute. To not solely see work and salary as a male domain because mum doesn?t do it. to aspire to more than a life lived on someone else salary. This housewifery re-enacts and replicates social stereotypes ? quite simply one sole wage earner (usually male) works, the woman housewife and not work
? it is good to retain and maintain the vibrancy, and input women can add to workplace
? women working at all grades ,all employment sectors is a positive thing
? I think women need to maintain some work, and be autonomous and have some security other than that of a sole wage earner
? Sahm when kids at school is a misnomer. There is no actual role if your kids are at school all day.I completely get sahm when kids not nursery and are babies, that is demanding and busy.But in absence of kids your not sahm,your not undertaking any specific childcare. What people describe on mn is filling day with tasks and lots of faffing

So whilst some get all perplexed and convince self an oppositional view point is because of some unfulfilled desire, well that?s simply not case. And it?s a bit lame. It isn?t inconceivable that someone hold an oppositional viewpoint not borne from thwarted choice or insecurity

Now realistically I don?t expect everyone to concur
But nor do I think trotting out some lame lines about well if you is truly happy?.is not a balanced discussion either

and this discussion comes up a lot on mn, and yes i am an active participant.as are many of you.its a mn perennial

yes?and you care to expand?or leave it hanging as some inference of...what?

been here since before 8am
manage my own workload, and even get to drink coffee and go online sometimes

I am at home at the mo...........dog has been walked, house clean and dinner prepared.

Xenia protests too much for me that her life is just how she wants it, I believe she would rather be pottering at home and going out for lunch with the girls...................but she can't and she is jealous of anyone who can.

for.god's.sake

all mothers work, that is not in question