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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I buy this baby a gift?

26 replies

Annteeta · 09/10/2011 19:53

When my nephew got married 2 months ago, he didn't invite any of us aunts and uncle from his mother's side. We hadn't fallen out and were not sure of the reason. His bride was pregnant and they said it would be a quiet do although about 50 guests were present as it turned out. We nevertheless sent cards, gifts and cheques which he cashed, but 2 months later, to add insult to injury we have had no word of acknowledgement or thanks. The baby is due very soon, do you think I should buy this child a gift after the lack of gratitude for my gift and if I do, is there a way I could tactfully prompt some kind of acknowledgment from him? He lives 200 miles away and I don't often get chance to see him.

OP posts:
TootaLaFruit · 09/10/2011 20:03

I would send the baby a gift that is absolutely specifically for the baby (so not money which they could pocket iyswim). It's not the baby's fault its parents are thankless takers! But if you don't get a thank you for that either then I'd be tempted to say 'sod it'. You could always send a card for xmas and the baby's birthday - it's nice just to be remembered and I'm sure as the child got older he/she would acknowledge that you always make an effort for them.

munkiii · 09/10/2011 20:04

I know it is frustrating when you have no thank you, this has happened to me a few times!

But I would send a card and a gift, you do not need to get anything expensive. Asda have reasonably priced outfits, you could get one of those and in the card you could perhaps subtly ask him to email or text to let you know the parcel had arrived safely? Or ask for a photo perhaps.

I know it seems quite rude, but they may have had a difficult time after the wedding if the bride was seven months pregnant or so? There may well be a reasonable explanation and I always think when it comes to families, anything to keep the peace!

FabbyChic · 09/10/2011 20:04

I'd send a congratulations cards as a sign of good manners, but I'd certainly not send a gift. You won't be thanked for it.

pigletmania · 09/10/2011 20:04

I would buy the baby a small gift and a card as another poster said its not the babies fault.

whackamole · 09/10/2011 20:07

I'd only send a card too.

EllaDee · 09/10/2011 20:09

I wouldn't, actually. You can send the baby something when it is old enough to appreciate it and to have a relationship with you.

Not getting an invitation to teh wedding seems unexceptional to me, especially if you are not very close, but no thank-you is rude and I would certainly thank anyone who sent me a gift despite not coming to the wedding - that was very nice of you.

Birdsgottafly · 09/10/2011 20:10

You could send a card and if things pick up, give a gift, or offer to put money into the baby's account at Christmas.

A1980 · 09/10/2011 20:56

I wouldn't actaully send anything.

Who gives a shit, the baby will be your great niece or nephew. I don't know any of my great aunts.

Leave it.

Pseudo341 · 09/10/2011 21:02

50 guests is a small wedding, if they invite one aunt & uncle pair they have to invite the lot and probably cousins too, could put he numbers well over 100 in many families.

As to the lack of thanks, surely you don't think they're being intentionally rude, more likely they're just very busy and a bit disorganised, hardly suprising with a wedding and a baby so close together. They may even be feeling a bit embarassed about not having sent a card and think they've left it too late now. A few of DHs relatives sent money for my DDs 1st birthday and I've completely failed on thankyou cards because it was immediately before we went on holiday and I was frantically packing and now I can't remember who sent what, and yes I'm embarrassed about it. The money has been spent on her though, I wouldn't just pocket it and you shouldn't assume your nephew would just because he's a bit crap at writing thankyou cards.

I think you should send a present, I'm sure it will be appreciated by them and that should be the point not whether or not they find time to send a thankyou card.

skybluepearl · 09/10/2011 23:28

Yes send a card and a small gift for the baby.

I think 50 guests is still quite small as weddings go. However I do think you should have recieved a thankyou by now. The baby hasn't been born yet and they should have used this child free time to quickly phone round or send a thankyou card.

W6mum · 09/10/2011 23:40

I wouldn't send a thing - a card at most - if there has been no thank you for wedding gifts.

PigletJohn · 09/10/2011 23:42

"Who gives a shit, the baby will be your great niece or nephew. I don't know any of my great aunts. "

I ended up being left my great-aunts' house

GuillotinedMaryLacey · 09/10/2011 23:44

Do you want to send a gift? If so, do. If not, don't. Very simple really.

cherrysodalover · 10/10/2011 03:11

Just send a card. I really think there is no excuse for not sending a thank you e mail/text/card etc.However we have received wedding thank yous up to 6 months after a wedding.Some people see it as less of a priority but it is bad manners.

Bubbaluv · 10/10/2011 03:56

Are you sure he got the gift?

I know they are good manners, but I hate thank you cards. I hate writting them and I hate receiving them (because they remind me that I'll have to write them again sometime soon).

I don't give a gift in order to receive thanks, so I don't care if the recipient writes to me to thank me, so it would have no impact on whether or not I sent a further gift. It's surprising really, becuase on some matters of etiquette I'm a real stickler.

Engelsmeisje · 10/10/2011 09:45

I got married 2 months ago at 7 months pregnant (and we're currently waiting for LO to appear) and only sent my thank you cards a week ago. They're probably snowed under with things to sort out (for the baby) which they were putting off until after the wedding.

The fact that it's your nephew may also explain it: if I hadn't done the cards they wouldn't have been done - my DH just doesn't think about things like that. Perhaps his wife doesn't want to interfere in what she sees as "his" task (seeing that you're his family).

And I wouldn't be offended at not being invitied to the wedding either...the last thing I wanted to be worrying about at 7months pregnant was taking care of a huge wedding (we only had 11 guests).

ImperialBlether · 10/10/2011 11:06

Bubbaluv - they cashed the cheques!

TheSecondComing · 10/10/2011 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AngryGnome · 10/10/2011 12:29

You would seriously refuse to get someone a gift to celebrate the birth of their child because you hadn't received a thank you card for a previous gift?

That says as much about your manners as it does theirs Confused

BuntyPenfold · 10/10/2011 13:46

Last Christmas we sent 7 teenagers 7 gift tokens. In exchange we received:
0 thank yous
0 cards
0 emails
0 text messages
0 confirmations from them or their parents that the gifts had arrived.

If I don't bother this year, does that make me the rude one?

PrimaBallerina · 10/10/2011 14:44

YABU if you are offended for not being invited to the wedding. 50 guests is quite small. Ours was 90 because we had to include all of DH's relatives.

YANBU for being miffed at not being thanked as it's rude of them but this should not stop you buying the baby a gift. You have to give in good grace and not just to be thanked. Hopefully the baby will grow up with better manners than its parents.

TakeThisOneHereForAStart · 10/10/2011 15:03

YANBU.

It's rude not to acknowledge a gift and there comes a point when it starts to feel at best like you are being taken for granted and at worst as a direct snub.

If you give a gift in person then a verbal thank you is good enough (for me anyway) but if it's a gift someone has posted then it's only right to ring or send a card or message to say thank you.

If you choose to send anything, perhaps follow it up afterwards with "I just wanted to check the card/present arrived safely" or "I hope that gift was what you wanted/needed for the baby, I have the receipt if you need to exchange it."

That at least will mean someone has to acknowledge that it arrived and prompt them to say thank you.

I'd be more forgiving at not being thanked for a new baby gift than for anything else, when the early days can be a bit of a nightmare and even the most organised and thoughtful of people can be thrown into chaos.

WoeIsMeAgain · 10/10/2011 15:04

no, i wouldnt, then if they mention it, tell them why

lesley33 · 10/10/2011 15:19

I think 50 people is a small wedding. If the guests are mainly couples with some DC thrown in this could mean 20 couples. With parents, siblings and GP's could easily be 16-24 people, more if either person has more than 1 sibling. That only leaves space for each to invite 3-4 friends - assuming their friends have a partner and there are at least 1 to 2 kids there.

It was rude not to thank you for your present. However you don't know how the pregnancy has gone with issues like tiredness and morning sickness. So I would give them the benefit of the doubt and send a card and a present.

lesley33 · 10/10/2011 15:21

"didn't realise people only gave to get thank you cards"

Not thank you cards, but it is good manners to thank people for any gifts. A phone call, text or email is fine though.