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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to tell my sister to fuck off to the far side of fuck?

38 replies

WitchesBroomForMyChin · 08/10/2011 10:00

I am a new mum and my sister has a 2 year old. If I hear any more comments along the lines of 'your making a rod for your own back' 'it's because your spoiling her' 'she wouldn't be doing that if you'd started leaving her to cry from the first week' I'm going to explode. I'm sick of biting my tongue and am very tempted to just tell her to jeff off. AIBU?

OP posts:
mistressploppy · 08/10/2011 10:00

YANBU. Have a word

themightyskim · 08/10/2011 10:01

I would love to actually utter that phrase to anyone, awesome choice of words get it said Grin YANBU

gallicgirl · 08/10/2011 10:04

Point out that she's had her chance to raise her own daughter and now this is your turn to raise your child. Although you welcome helpful comments, you will raise your child in the way you see fit. CC is not recommended for children under 6 months anyway and new babies barely know they're on the outside.

Then if she carries on you can use that fabulous phrase (stores it for future use)

Original poster
WitchesBroomForMyChin · 08/10/2011 10:13

I've tried explaining it's not recommended until 6 months but she just shrugs and says if I'd of done it from the very beginning it wouldn't bother the baby. You just can't reason with her Angry

OP posts:
JarethTheGoblinKing · 08/10/2011 10:16

Just tell her to piss off and mind her own business.

FabbyChic · 08/10/2011 10:16

Tell her you will parent your way and she can stick to hers, there's no right or wrong ways to raise a child, each to their own.

Cheeseandharps · 08/10/2011 10:18

Just tell her "My child, my choice how to raise her. Back off." It's blunt, but works with busybodies and self-appointed experts.

BlueKangaroo22 · 08/10/2011 10:18

Tell her to butt out! I would, I'm having similar problems with my 'd'm at the moment, oh you shouldn't be doing that, you need to be doing this, you are going to damage her (when i gave my dd the tiniest amount of baby rice at 12 weeks) as a mom you learn as you go along thats the whole point!

But yes in short, tell her to fuck off!

gallicgirl · 08/10/2011 10:19

Well if you can't reason with her then yes, just tell her to get lost.

I think it's really sad that parents don't want to comfort their baby when they're upset. They're not crying to be awkward. At this age it's just instinctive and they cry because they're hungry, tired or frightened. They won't learn attention seeking behaviour - they'll learn that mum and dad love them.

Aislingorla · 08/10/2011 10:20

It was worse for me. I had my sister who didn't even have children telling me how to parent. And she was definitely in the 'leaving them to cry' camp.
I bit and bit my tounge and eventually exploded!

booyhoo · 08/10/2011 10:23

it's none of her business, tell her she is welcome at your home but that her opinion isn't necessary as you are fully aware of how you want to care for your baby.

purplewerepidj · 08/10/2011 10:28

There's a strong link between children not getting enough attention as babies and having attachment and behaviour issues when they're older. Ok, so we're talking 12 hours in a cot wearing a dirty nappy, but could you exaggerate a bit and say you "wouldn't want to risk your child not knowing you loved her and causing these problems?"

Evil but effective

Pseudo341 · 08/10/2011 10:31

YANBU and I love your choice of words, go for it!

GiganticusBottomus · 08/10/2011 10:35

OMG! I may have to pick a fight with DH just so I can tell him to 'Jeff off' it's brilliant Grin

What boooyhoo said re your sister. I am unfortunately one of those people who are rubbish at biting my tongue - ask best friend whose 3yr old got a bit of a tone from me after she spat out my home made apple crumble out at the table the other day (having eaten half of it) Blush Grin. Having said that if someone said to me - please stop commenting on my parenting I would a) be mortified b) stop doing it to their face Wink

HTH.

Thzumbiewitch · 08/10/2011 10:39

Tell her to do one. And that if she can't keep her trap shut, then you don't need to see her and her negative bollocks until she learns how.

YOUR baby, YOUR way to do it. Not hers. She has done it her way with her DC - and that's fine for her.

God, just because she's your sister doesn't make her the fount-of-all-knowledge! My sister refused pointblank to bf any of her DDs - it made her feel "icky" - I bf DS for 23m. Her DDs were on solids at about 4m; DS waited until nearly 6. I co-slept with DS, her DDs were in cots (in her room mind) from the off. I had DS last, btw - but I did things the way I wanted to and if she'd said anything, I'd have told her to bog right off.

aldiwhore · 08/10/2011 10:43

Point her in the direction of Mumsnet...

Original poster
WitchesBroomForMyChin · 08/10/2011 10:48

I am embarrassed to say I think my sister is more of a nethun than a mumsnet person.

OP posts:
LittleWhiteWereWolf · 08/10/2011 10:48

Its tough. Don't set out to be rude (although be as rude as you like on here if it helps to vent! Grin) but don't bottle it either. My childless sister spent the first 6 months of DDs life listening to me explain my choices, then turning to my mum to say "is that true?" or whatever. Made my blood boil--things had changed a lot in the 24 years between mum having me and me having DD!

But yes, you must say something. Even if its just "I appreciate your advice, but I feel more comfortable following my own instincts and taking my own advice/research." Hopefully that'll nip things in the bud, but if she persists then feel free to take it up to something along the lines of "Look, we've mentioned this and I'm not going to take your advice. It felt right to you but it feels wrong for me and my baby. End of."

babybythesea · 08/10/2011 10:55

Or tell her about the midwife I had in hospital who asked if I had any Gina Ford books. When I said no, and that I was planning to just figure it out according to what the baby seemed to want he gave me a big grin and said that while obviously some people found her stuff worked for them, his opinion was that a baby left to cry only learns that no-one is there for them when they need it. The world is not such a nice place for them. On the other hand, a baby who is comforted when they cry, learns that someone will come whenever they need it, and as a result, tend to fuss less because they are generally happy that the world is a nice place to be, with folks on hand who will come if there is a problem. They've got no concept of time, was his view. So being left to cry doesn't mean they learn that someone will be along in half an hour or so, just that someone is not here NOW, when they need it. They might learn that crying doesn't get them anywhere but it isn't knowledge that necessarily makes them happy or secure, even if they are lying quietly. While I took what I wanted from that advice (if the baby cried and I was in the shower, she had to cry it out until I was out and dry, for example), I quoted it to anyone who thought I spent too much time with her and should put her down more. (I don't wish my baby to think of the world as a nasty place, thanks. I quite like the idea that she knows I'm always here if she needs me). No rods for backs either - I have a fiercely independent 2 yo, sometimes more independent than I would like (especially when I'm in a rush and she is insisting on getting dressed herself, and doing up the car seat herself etc etc) and I often get told to 'Go way Mummy, I do it not with you.'

So one way worked for her. Well, news flash, but your DD is not her DC, and you are not her. Different methods suit different parents, but also different babies, and if it's working in the here and now with such a tiny baby, then it works for you full stop, so tell her to bugger off.

Faffalina · 08/10/2011 11:25

Jeff off! Grin

Yep, tell her to do that. In the kindliest way. Appreciate the intention behind the advice but wish to mother your own way, etc. Then tell her to get back on Nethuns and share her advice there.

ReindeerBollocks · 08/10/2011 11:31

Start telling her how to parent her toddler.

See how well that goes down

NinkyNonker · 08/10/2011 11:44

My childless friend (who has nephews don't you know) told me to ignore my 10 week old when she woke and cried in the evening on holiday because, and I quote:

"If she is clean and fed then you have to just leave her. Or she'll just cry for a cuddle. She is like an animal, you have to train her."

Me: [shocked]

DH: Totally ignored her and was off up the stairs pronto.

Her: " Hmm You'll regret that."

Me: Outwardly: "I doubt that". Inwardly "Fuck off and then fuck off some more" while doing a little jig and flicking her the bird with both hands.

DD is now 14 months and we still respond to her as we always have and she is mega independent. Friend has since commented on what a happy, contented, sunny little love she is while making no connection at all that part of that, just maybe, could be down to us.

Oh well!

OP, you are far from being unreasonable.

proudfoot · 08/10/2011 12:49

YANBU

Tell her to back off - surely she should realise she is being unhelpful and a bit of a cow. I'm sure she wouldn't have liked these comments from others when she had her DC would she?! I don't know why some people find it so hard to understand that people want to do things their own way!

AliGrylls · 08/10/2011 12:55

YANBU. It is your baby and your choice so what she is saying is not constructive.

AliGrylls · 08/10/2011 12:56

I also agree with the sentiment here that a cuddle deprived child is an unhappy child. My two boys had their cuddle requirements met and they are both really happy and independent.