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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite cleaners grand daughter to DD's birthday party

110 replies

soandsosmummy · 07/10/2011 15:46

Hardly dare post this in view of the other birthday party thread but...

cleaner has LEFT A NOTE saying that she saw DDs birthday party invites were on the desk and her grand daughter was staying with her that weekend as her mum would be recovering from an operation and it would be lovely if she could come along.

Very fond of cleaner and she's been with us for years now but not sure about this. Apart from anything else DD's never even met the girl.

WWYD invite her along or just never mention it again? (DD will be six and cleaners grand daughter is 5) Should I invite her anyway? We're doing it at home so could probably fit in a extra but it will be a bit weird for her not knowing anyone

OP posts:
Original poster
soandsosmummy · 07/10/2011 18:06

I've phoned and said it would be fine for her grand daughter to come along if she'd like to. She was really pleased, apologised for asking and said she felt a bit embarrassed when she thought about it afterwards but is just so worried about both her daughter (the operation is quite major) and the impact on her granddaughter she just wasn't thinking strait. I've reassured her that DD's friends are a friendly bunch and I'm sure her GD won't feel left out.

Glad I said yes now thanks for helping me decide.

OP posts:
BOOareHaunting · 07/10/2011 18:08

Anyone wondering if the cleaners DGD happens to be in school with the OP's DD, in the same class and the OP doesn't know.

Maybe the cleaner reads MN and thinks because over half the class are invited, as of course she read the invites, she won't allow her DGD to be one of the missed . Hmm

Nope, thought not Grin

Tooth abcess and painkillers are mindaltering.

I have no idea TBH OP, Tis a strange one but agree that if you don't mind her being there then invite her. Otherwise don't.

upahill · 07/10/2011 18:11

That's really good of you soandso.

She must be really worried.

Original poster
soandsosmummy · 07/10/2011 18:12

No Boo for three reasons - 1. I have a list of DD's class and she's not on it. 2. She lives in South East we live in midlands 3. Haven't sent the invites out so no one knows how's invited

OP posts:
pigsinmud · 07/10/2011 18:16

Weird. I wouldn't invite her. My dds wouldn't want to go to a party where they don't know the birthday child. I only do parties for a maximum of 10, so it would hardly be fair on dd to say "No, Jemima can't come because that's over 10, but let's have a complete stranger instead". That would be my excuse anyway!

You are obviously a nicer person than me as you have invited her, but I still think it's very peculiar behaviour.

pigletmania · 07/10/2011 18:20

That is good of you op, as you said you are fond or your cleaner and have had her for years. I would have thought about it and probably done what you have as I don't have a heart of stone, but would have been pissed off that she asked.

pigletmania · 07/10/2011 18:21

If the cleaner had been newish than I would have have declined.

LadyEvilEyes · 07/10/2011 18:28

Of course you should invite her grandaughter.
She's obviously going through a tough time. Her daughter is having a major operation, she's looking after her child, and obviously thinks that you would understand the circumstances, having been working for you for so long.
Can't believe you would even have to start a thread to ask.
Nor can I believe some of the responses on here Shock

whiteoleander · 07/10/2011 18:38

Well done OP. You've done the right thing, and her chat with you shows she knows it was a bit out of line, but is worried etc. But you've handled it well, with good grace, and helped someone out who is struggling as well as the little girl.
No harm at all in asking this Q advice, LEE's post below is rather harsh IMO.

whiteoleander · 07/10/2011 18:41

Lady Evil Eyes, the OP only just heard it was a major op, so it seems a bit harsh to judge with the benefit of hindsight.

ChippingIn · 07/10/2011 18:52

It was kind of you to invite her :)

It was rude of her to ask, it's rude of anyone to ask - it matters not if she's the cleaner or the queen... it seems that she agrees too as she was suitably embarrassed later! Wink

LadyEvilEyes · 07/10/2011 18:56

If you have someone working in your home regularly, surely you know a little bit about their lives.
It would have been nice if OP had said to her daughter that '[insert cleaner's name] has a daughter that is not very well, so her grandaughter is coming to your birthday party, can you and your friends be extra nice to her'.
Or something like that.
Or do you live in Downtown Abbey?

Floggingmolly · 07/10/2011 19:09

Aw, nice one OP Smile

upahill · 07/10/2011 19:14

In the cleaners defense don't you think that sometimes we may act out of character or do say things we wouldn't normally think of saying when we are under stress.

Poor women is facing her daughter having major surgery and also looking after her grand daughter and doing her work.

I'm glad you have cut her some slack and not been cat's arse about it.

Everybody needs someone to be kind to them sometimes especially when things are difficult.

AnyoneButLulu · 07/10/2011 19:28

Quite agree upahill. OP's cleaner was very out of order, but she's now explained that with hindsight she realises that, has apologised, and has explained that it was due to stress and concern for her family. OP, who is a reasonable person, accepts that, and everybody is happy, including the little girls.

See how easy it is if we all assume good faith? But wouldn't AIBU be boring if everyone was like that.

upahill · 07/10/2011 19:32

I try to assume good faith as often as possible.
It stops me getting in a rage and being in a state of 'unspeakable' anger like a lot of posts on AIBU.

Original poster
soandsosmummy · 07/10/2011 19:33

LadyEvilEyes - no downton abby is rather infradig

OP posts:
runningwilde · 07/10/2011 19:35

This could be a good lesson for your daughter - explain to her that the little girl is staying with her gm and that her mummy is in hospital and that it would be nice to invite her to the party

Although it was bloody cheeky of your cleaner! Explain that you will be asking your dd if this is ok first

DeWe · 07/10/2011 19:59

I think it's very cheeky, and I'm usually fairly relaxed about things like that.

If she'd left a note saying her dgd was over that weekend due to mum being ill and she didn't know what she was going to do with her, so it'd be really nice if she could meet up with your dd at some point. Then I'd feel that was reasonable. You then have the option of inviting to the party, saying sorry that weekend's busy, or meeting up at another time that weekend.

I'd make sure said cleener is prepared to stay.

microserf · 07/10/2011 20:02

it was odd to ask, but i thought the cleaner's explanation made sense that she wasn't thinking straight, and i think it was lovely of OP to invite the GD. would have done the same.

Grumpla · 07/10/2011 20:12

You know, if the mum having an operation thing were removed from the equation I think you would be perfectly within your rights to say no. But it really sounds as though your cleaner was absolutely racking her brains for things to entertain / distract this little girl at such a horrid time for her. She probably left a note because it would be less embarrassing for her than to have to actually ask you.

So good on you OP. Being kind to people who really need it is always the right thing to do.

barbie007 · 07/10/2011 20:15

You've done the right thing. We should all strive to be kind and you've shown you can be kind so well done:)

pranma · 07/10/2011 20:40

Of course you should ask her-and make sure her grandma stays in case she is nervous.I bet gran will help with the clearing up :)

MCos · 07/10/2011 22:18

Good on you OP, it was the kind thing to do. Poor little girl & mom & grandma. It is tough time for them.

Girls of 5 and 6 usually love 'somebody new'. So with maybe a little guidance, they will probably look after the little girl really well.

Have a lovely birthday party.

manicinsomniac · 08/10/2011 07:49

I'm really glad you asked her :)

I agree that it was a slightly cheeky ask but only because it was done via a note. If she had phoned or spoken to you face to face and said that she had happened to see the invites, explained he situation and asked if there was any chance then I wouldn't have thought anything of it at all. But maybe she's quite a shy or awkward type of person and a note was the only way she could face it.

My mum was in hopsital for a while when I was 6 and I remember my Dad taking me with him to drop my sister (4) off at a bday party. He must have been pretty stressed and upset. My sister's friend's parents asked me to stay to the party on the doorstep, no pre planning or thinking about it at all. I had a lovely time, forgot all about my worries and my Dad had some time and space to organise things. I'm 27 now and still remember it as one of the most spontaneously kind things that anyone ever did fo my family.

I hope you all have a lovely time.