to not go to the daytime part of a hen party because I have a 7 year old...

[marykat2004]

... and the party will not be suitable for children?

I already agreed to make cakes (with my DD) but then I found out that the party starts at 3 pm. It's on a Sunday. Weekends are time I spend with my DD.

Another mum is leaving her DD with her kid's dad, but my DH has health problems and I don't think it's reasonable to ask him to look after our daughter just so I can go to a hen party in the day time.

Just to add my tuppence worth OP - I lost my Dad less than a month ago but have not had the luxury of wallowing in grief. Yes it's hard and yes it hurts like nothing else but when you are a parent you have to just shoulder the pain and get on with things. I would never expect DH to just take over everything while I sat around grieving.

My Dad was 72 and he had cancer 3 times in 4 years but he would have had no problem looking after a 7 year old for a bed time routine - and indeed did look after my 5 year old nephew plenty of times for my sis)

I think the issue is you wanting to be everything to everyone and not allowing your DH to help out. He is probably capable of a whole lot more than you would allow / think. I have an Uncle who is 86 who has a heart condition for almost 30 years - he would scoff at the idea that a 50 year old couldn't manage a 7 year old.

Apologies if this is overly harsh

Well, now for other reasons, I have to take DD to a birthday party that afternoon - but that's because I decided to have her go on a sleepover last weekend, and that she wouldn't be fit enough for her first ice skating after a sleepover (nor would I after going out). Her birthday party is on 2 weeks in a row, long story, but it was an option which one to go to. I will take her there in the afternoon, and go on to the hen party later.

It has felt like DH does less and less, and it has felt like I should do 100% of everything, but as some of you point out, having a heart condition does not mean you have to lie in bed 24/7. In fact lying in bed 24/7 is very bad for you. Unless a doctor is telling you to lie in bed all the time, no one should be doing that. So yes this has to be sorted out.

30 years with a heart condition?? May I ask if he was still smoking all that time?

I absolutely agree that laying in bed all day is unlikely to help his heart condition! Has the dr put limits on what he should be doing? Do they cover normal day to day childcare?

My grandparents on my Dad's side both had heart conditions (my grandad from his 30s when he had his first heart attack). They used to have me overnight from time to time when my parents went out. They were quite capable of it.

You really need to speak to your husband about this. You cannot be expect to do 100% of the parenting for the next 11+ years. You are supposed to be in this together.

She sounds overly precious for a seven year old to be honest- but you also sound as bad.

and that she wouldn't be fit enough for her first ice skating after a sleepover (nor would I after going out)
Why on earth not?

I thought from your posts saying that you were an older set of parents that you had your daughter in your late 40's, not late 30's

37 is not old to have a child.. you have not got one foot in the grave yet you know!

I think you need some councelling (sp) for your self. It seems to me reading your posts that you waiting for your DH to die, so you don't want to upset him. At the same time your treating your 7yr like a baby, so not to upset incase her dad dies suddenly.

Sorry to upset you.

I think your Dh needs to stop wallowing in his ill health and get on with being a husband and father. Yes he has some health issues but he can't be allowed to use it to control you.

FWIW I have a friend who has 2 children one having quite severe health issues since birth. Since her second child was born she has had breast cancer, a failed reconstruction and the corrective surgery. She has now been told her cancer is back and is spreading. Is she sitting down and wallowing her grief, no she getting one with being a wife and parent to her children as well doing everything she can to have normal life.

She wouldn't be fit for ice skating after a sleep over because DD has trouble falling asleep in strange places (even though we have had LOTS of visiting people and sleep overs ever since she was born). And I've had foot surgery, and if I'm going to attempt to put on ice skates for the first time in 30 years, and take a 7 year old skating for the first time, then I want to be as fit as possible myself, not also tried and with achy feet from being out the night before. Boring and trivial I know.

Really shouldn't post on here when feeling depressed. Yes, I know there are a lot of things to sort out.

The only defense I have for 'wheredidiputit' is that at no point have we been given any information about DH's health condition, life expectancy, how to deal with incurable conditions, etc. We know that it is incurable but we don't know how much he can/can't do. And no point has there been any offer of how the family is meant to deal with the situation. He won't stop smoking so I don't thinks it's that insane to assume he won't make it to see his child grow up. This is unbearable for me and I have no idea how to deal with it. So I just try to do more and sometimes get depressed. But I will stop writing on this board, it's not such a good thing to do really. I guess 'friends' aren't close enough to share these feelings with so I just keep it quiet in 'real life'.

Mary

I'm sorry to have upset you. Please don't stop posting we can help, even if just a listening ear.

but as I said I do think you need to see your GP and get some help in how to deal with everything.

Have just come back to this thread, and it certainly seems as if you all need support; as you say, this is much bigger than a hen night. It sounds like a nightmare with you carrying everybody's burdens for them.

First of all, you need more help and support in dealing with your dh's condition. Ask your GP if there is any support locally, look around to see if you can find a forum for carers of people with heart conditions. Ring the hospital and ask his consultant's secretary if there is anywhere you can access information- explain that you need to know how to get on with your daily lives.

Secondly, it is very likely that your dh needs counselling: from what you tell us it really doesn't sound as if he is coping well at all with his condition. There are trained counsellors out there specifically for people with incurable conditions.

You may also need some couple counselling; it doesn't sound like a terribly healthy relationship if you are constantly walking on tiptoes around him.

Thirdly, you must get into the habit of telling yourself that your dd does not need protecting because her dad is ill; she needs as much normality as you can possibly give her. It is not dangerous for a healthy 7yo to go to an activity after she is tired from a bad night: this is part of normal growing up. You must not treat her as if she was the one with the heart condition; there is a risk that she may start living up to that and living her life as if she was somehow in danger. It is not unusual for children of chronically ill parents to grow up with psychosomatic conditions: this is something you need to work on to avoid. She must be allowed to have tantrums and be ignored and ...well, all the usual things of childhood really. You need to discuss an approach with your dh that can allow this to happen without putting too much strain on him.

But most of all, you need to access some support.

Agree with wheredidiputit you need to get an appointment with your GP and ask for all the information on your DH's condition that he has available, you need to do a bit of research, maybe find a forum where others have the same? It does sound like you're very much in the dark over exactlty what is wrong with your DH and what his limitations are, and that is really down to you to understand/research.

Do you think, because you're so in the dark about his condition you're not questioning his lack of involvement enough? He may have lost all confidence in his abilities, may be depressed, but your (for want of a better word) ignorance at his illness may well be exacerbating the side affects (depression, lack of motivation, loss of confidence) etc.,

You are letting your dh and dd control your life and you sound like a martyr

ok... thanks. I was a bit sacred to come back to this thread.

Interesting development re: the hen party. Another of the mums has just lost her father-in-law, too. She has 2 children, one (possibly) SN, but also has her own mum nearby to help her. And her DP doesn't have a chronic condition. So it's neither here nor there, really. Unless she's actually at the funeral that day, that mum will probably still go to the party.

Re: the not ice skating the day after a sleep over, I let DD do all sorts of things. It's just that the last 2 skating parties she went to, she refused to get on the ice. I really don't want her to be tired. She is very timid about trying physical activities BUT once she does try something, she actually is quite good at it, like climbing for example. I just want her to have the chance to do well at ice skating, and if she hasn't had a good night's sleep she'll be tired and easily frustrated.

I could actually send her to the ice skating without me... that is another idea. But actually at some point after the original post, I had a good think about it, and I don't want to spend ALL day at this hen party. At first I felt upset that other mums had that choice, but when I really thought about it, especially because I am feeling a bit low anyway, and I don't like to drink a lot especially when feeling low, I'm better off just going for part of the party anyway.

As for the more long term things, yes, I think I should talk to someone, maybe the British Heart Foundation?

Thank you

I think one of the most useful things you could do at this point is go to your GP - get some help and support for yourself and also some decent information about what the long term prognosis is for your DH