to not go to the daytime part of a hen party because I have a 7 year old...

[marykat2004]

... and the party will not be suitable for children?

I already agreed to make cakes (with my DD) but then I found out that the party starts at 3 pm. It's on a Sunday. Weekends are time I spend with my DD.

Another mum is leaving her DD with her kid's dad, but my DH has health problems and I don't think it's reasonable to ask him to look after our daughter just so I can go to a hen party in the day time.

aldi - I didn't mean it to be that long it just came out of nowhere

Great post quintessential

quintess, good post. Its alot more helpful when people give some context and I 100% see where you are coming from

what annoys me is people who post "you need to sort your DD out, she may have SN"- how the FUCK is that going to help!!!!!!

YABU. What if you had to go into hospital or fell under a bus?

DD is capable of being quiet but it's like switch goes off in her head when it's bedtime. She doesn't listen, gets very manic, starts playing with the cat, anything to avoid bed. It is hard work putting her to bed.

and is STARVING, thirsty, scared of the dark, has some really long that must tell you..... bbbbbbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnggggg

That's the alarm bells ringing - Marykate's DD is......... normal

She's being a madam, my DS has just started this lately, the answer to all the above is 'night night'. They soon get bored. DS has cut down on the number of nights a week he tries this, but when he does it's like a fight to the death.

FWIW you're not alone in feeling it should be 'you'. My friends DD's are 6 and 7 yo now and it's just dawned on her she is allowed a life

"and is STARVING, thirsty, scared of the dark, has something really long that must tell you..."

Haha! So true BOOareHaunting so true.

When my DS is 7 my DH will be 48. It's hardly old. And if you don't sort these issues with your DS now you are going to be parenting a teenager when your DH is 60.

OP, obviously I am not going to try and 'diagnose' your DS from the info you've given. If you have concerns, take her to the docs and get that process started. But honestly? She sounds completely normal. She is manipulating you (and your DH) to get what she wants, which is your complete and undivided attention.

People have come down hard on you, but in this case I think it's a case of 'seeing ourselves as others see us' and there is a lot of good advice on here.

If your DD is not experiencing these problems at school, then it is not an SEN.

Maybe you need to change the way you do bedtimes so that she learns to do what she is asked to do without a big fuss.

Don't go to the hen party if you don't want to.

I don't remember diagnosing the OP's child as having a SEN... only mentioning my own sons

Just catching up with today's posts...lots of good replies...

DayShiftDoris - I like your post. I have friend who's child has autism, too, and she accepts her role. She found it hard right after the diagnosis but now it's just how it is. She runs the household while her DH works.

I think I might be better off living somewhere isolated where I don't know anyone, and wouldn't feel like I'm missing out on things all the time. Which happens a lot. And then I do resent the people who have grandparents on tap to help out, though I know I shouldn't.

I already have that one night a week volunteering, so I tend to feel guilty about any other nights out, but more if DH has to put DD to bed. If I can put her to bed and go somewhere once they are both tucked up and asleep I don't feel so bad, though I wonder if I should even be leaving them sleeping, DH could have a heart attack I guess..? Not sure about that one...

I just feel like I'm putting him out if I ask him to look after her. I know this is wrong but I can't remember any time in the last 7 years when he took the initiative of saying, "I want to do something with DD today." If he looks after it's because I've asked him to. And the older he gets the more I feel like I shouldn't ask.

still reading all the posts.... and, yes, wishing I had not posted... it's like throwing oneself to the lions... and I only ever seem to do it when I'm already feeling low, what point is that..?

"If a mother is ill, even terminally ill, she still expects to spend time with her child and be there for her" - well, yes. My niece (only age 30) has a severe health condition that means she has to sometimes spend days in bed. However, her DD knows she can always go in and see mummy. BUT when it comes to our household it is always tip-toeing around, don't disturb daddy.

Mothers do not get days off to be sick, and when my own mother eventually passes away I won't get any 'time off ' childcare, nor would I want it. But that just shows how little we have come in the culture of male vs female roles.

I want to add (there are a lot of posts) that I never ever give in to tantrums. I never have. But what I find myself doing now is avoiding situations that could lead to tantrums. Trying to find things to do that both DD and I enjoy, rather than drag her places she might not like. Avoidance seems common in friends I know with children with autism. Because it's wrong to give in to tantrums, it's best to avoid them. Not that my DD has autism but sometimes I wonder, and I guess I should face up to it if that's the case.

I saw the psychologist today but it was only a half hour meeting and it was about fussy eating. We concluded that since DD is actually eating more food than ever before, and getting enough nutrients, we shouldn't make too much fuss, but still try to introduce new foods. I only got on to the power struggles near the end of the meeting, but would like to meet this psychologist again. Food is only one aspect of a bigger picture.

more answers... DH and I don't go out much together because we don't have much money. A night out is not cheap. If I go meet friends alone I cycle, and keep costs low. Going out together usually means tickets to something, or dinner, plus transport plus paying a babysitter; even mates' rates aren't free.

Thanks for all the replies, some are good, like I said at the beginning of this long one..

"I want to add (there are a lot of posts) that I never ever give in to tantrums. I never have. But what I find myself doing now is avoiding situations that could lead to tantrums. Trying to find things to do that both DD and I enjoy, rather than drag her places she might not like. "

This made me really . I don't agree in deliberatly upsetting DC's obviously but have watched someone do the same because of their DC2 for too many years. She nearly had a breakdown.

Her DC refused to go upstairs without her, but would happily stay downstairs alone while mummy fetched and carried. Wouldn't let her mum go out without her, but would stay at a birthday party without mum.

There are disappointments in life, there are times not everything happens the way you want it. By avoiding these you are delaying the inevitable. The inevitable being that life isn't a bed of roses where everything happens just the way you want it.

The cost of going out, fair enough that's reasonable reason not to.

I do wonder if somehow somewhere you are blaming yourself for your DD's food issues and are trying to make up for them by not upsetting her? Does she tell you it's your fault?

FOOD issues go back to 6 weeks old and DD's discovery of her thumb. Once she found her thumb, she lost interest in the breast. When we started on food, she never wanted to each much. It goes way, way back. And I guess back further, back to fear of rejection, because I didn't always get along with my own mother , from teens until a visit only about 18 months ago. And my mother and HER mother? Very very difficult relationship indeed.

I'm really starting to wish I had more than one child. My younger brother and sister seem so well-adjusted and happy, it's incredible we had the same mother...... at least if I had more the younger ones might turn out ok....

I don't understand brides-to-be that get all offended about who comes to the hen do. It's a night out (or day, in this case) and sometimes people don't want to come for various reasons.

YANBU.

The thread went a bit beyond that, Faffalina... in this case it's a surprise for the bride , and it was another mum who is involved with planning who thought it weird I couldn't leave my DD with her dad for the day....but it's more complicated than that...

mary Im just worried that you are going to wear yourself out and make yourself ill trying to protect everyone else......

MaryKat - what you've described doing with your DD to avoid the tantrums is exactly what I used to do with DD1. I would tie my head in knots trying to out-think a 2 year old so as to not do anything which would cause a scene. I vividly remember standing in the utility room going over a situation in my head, thinking of how I could put it to her so as not to have a total meltdown to deal with.

And food issues - I could write the book. DD1 had multiple food intolerances and a form of transient PID. She learnt very early that food caused pain, therefore the sensible thing to do was not to eat

I know it's difficult. I know for sure she'll kick off but you need to stop the tiptoeing round Daddy routine. You need to just make the food, put it in front of her, give her say 20 minutes, and walk away. Walk to the bathroom, stick your fist in your mouth, bite your lip but DO NOT REACT. I know how hard it is. but she's 7. She won't intentionally starve herself you know. She is obviously getting enough to do her if she's full of energy. She's not listless or sleepy. Food as a battle is just a head wreck. It's draining, emotionally it's difficult. And the best advice I can give you, from someone who has been there, is walk away. Put the food on the table, walk away. That's it. Nothing else tonight, no apples, no biscuits, no pudding - that's it. And walk.

And why should Daddy get tiptoed around? I know he has a heart condition but at the end of the day she's his child too - I'd be making a regular Daddy time thing to do - whether that be on a saturday afternoon she goes to a museum with Daddy, or the park, or they sit together with a book.

Be kind to yourself. Go to the bloomin hen do. Let your hair down and enjoy your mates.

This is all deeper than not being able to go to a Sunday afternoon surprise hen party (I guess the date is because it's a surprise, and the bride would have other plans on the weekend nights.. bride has no children but some other friends do).

I feel like over the last 7 years DH has become less rather than more able to cope with looking after a child. I should be posting in support groups for carer's, not moaning on mumsnet...

You really should talk to him.

And you really should decide on what you want to achieve and set goals and figure out how to get there.

I did with DD1, as I said it isn't easy, but it has turned out to be well worth the effort. And I do understand how easy it is to slip into habits of avoidance when you have a child who is determined and wants their own way.

I wish I had more constructive advice

i agree with the suggestions re your dd - try adopting the approach for a few weeks that she is ahving you on - see what happens. if there are still underlaying issues - see psychologist again.

does your Dh want to spend time with his DD?
if ill/health issues - well work out between you what he could do with her - painting drawing if they cant go out etc. watching a dvd together. anything.

he isnt that old. if his health needs are severe you can get a social services carers asessment and get someone to come in and look after him to give you a break - yet you say actually he manages one evening a week just fine.

so are you making excuses for him? have you slipped into a pattern of saying ah he is so ill - maybe there have been times when his health has been severely affected - but actually between those times he is ok to do more.

Are you a carer for your DH?
Why would it be better if you lived somewhere isolated?
Has your DD been assessed for any SENs at school?

If you think your DD has SNs, you both need to be pushing to find out more.
What does your DH think about all this?

""I feel like over the last 7 years DH has become less rather than more able to cope with looking after a child. ""

Less able or less willing or involved ? Presumably it was a joint decision to have dd , was he ill at that stage ? I wonder if, over the years, particularly if he has been very unwell at times, you have tried to protect each of them and in doing so assumed the responsibility for childcare and put a distance between them. He may now feel remote and unable to look after her alone even if he is physically able. Could he be retreating into the passive role you have inadvertently set up rather than actually establishing a relationship with your dd and learning to cope ? If so you need to talk to him about how wearing you find the situation and find ways so that you both get some time with her and without.

I've been offline for a few days... yes, LIZS, it was a mutual decision to have a child. We were getting older, and I started to feel like I would miss out if I lived and died never having had a child. And he did agree. BUT, awful as this sounds, we did not always want children. In fact most of my life I thought I just wouldn't have any. But the clock ticked and then we thought we would try (I was 37 and he was 42; it took only 3 months to conceive).

DH had heart failure 3 years ago. He has had 2 long stays in hospital. Before then, and before the company I worked for went under, DH did more around the home.

Lizs, you are very right about a lot of what you say. I try to protect them from each other, tip-toeing around DH and trying to make sure DD is quiet when he is sleeping.

I have been feeling very depressed lately and this hen party thing just brought it home to me again, that in all of 7 years I can count how many weekend days I have had to myself on one hand. It was just a bit of jealousy that other mothers can relax and leave their kids with the fathers, whereas I just can't. I just want a normal life sometimes but I have to accept that it won't happen, not with this DP anyway.

But on the other hand, I don't really WANT to go to a hen party that lasts 8 HOURS, that is just nuts. I don't like to drink a lot anyway, and can't see the point in going for such a long time. So I'll go later on in the evening.

Thank you for your replies.

"tbh I would LOVE a whole day with just grown up friends but I really don't think I could do it without feeling guilty."

You are being a complete martyr over it.

My FIL is 63, has just had half of one of his lungs removed because of lung cancer, has bronchiostasis in the other, has had several heart attacks & mini strokes but would still be capable of supervising a 7 year old's bedtime.

So far nothing that you have mentioned re your DHs health sound any more serious than that. Maybe I'm wrong and there is a lot more to it than that but from what you have said on this thread (which is all we can go on) there is absolutely no reason at all that your DH cannot supervise your DD being in the house for the day.

Could you not go out for the afternoon, come back and put her to bed adn then go out again - it's only a mile away after all.

How would your DH feel if he knew you were turning down a party you apparently really want to go to because you think he is incapable of looking after his own daughter ?