to not go to the daytime part of a hen party because I have a 7 year old...

[marykat2004]

... and the party will not be suitable for children?

I already agreed to make cakes (with my DD) but then I found out that the party starts at 3 pm. It's on a Sunday. Weekends are time I spend with my DD.

Another mum is leaving her DD with her kid's dad, but my DH has health problems and I don't think it's reasonable to ask him to look after our daughter just so I can go to a hen party in the day time.

She plays up for me, and especially if we are both home and I am putting her to bed, which is most of the time. I ask if she is as bad when it's just her and her dad but he doesn't say it is.

Thank you for staying up. This is all what I need to talk to this psychologist about.

I'm going to bed now.

Would it matter terribly if he let her fall asleep in front of the telly just this one night?

If you had lived in another country she would probably have been taken to late night weddings anyway and left to fall asleep under the table: that's what my Swedish nieces and nephews always seemed to end up doing.

I am all for settled routines but not to the point where it dominates everybody's life.

Or is it that you are just as happy to get out of this do?

I think parents who chose to have a social life make a reasonable choice.
I think parents who feel that they are unable to make that choice, for whatever reason, make a reasonable choice.

I feel that people in first group who sneer at the people in the second group often don't REALLY understand what it is like to have to juggle. That they are in a privilaged position and should be grateful and not treat it as though it is a god-given right that everyone has.

I haven't had a night out for 2years since realising that my very occasional nights out caused my child severe anxiety. I have recently introduced a baby sitter so i can attend a course on autism... because that is what he has...

But you know what I am no saddo who has my life dictated to... instead of zumba and pointless meals I have friend who come to me and I am doing a university course.

Who needs people who believe that being able to go to a hen party / pub / night out / cinema is the be all and end all? And call you a martyr for making a choice that reflects the needs of your family.

Do what is right for you.

You do come across as feeling very guilty about inconveniencing your dh. What if it was you taking the medicine- would he feel the same about you?

(I used to be in a complete zombie state from taking the blood pressure meds before they brought in beta blockers but I was still expected to look after my own children)

So OP how does your DH manage on the night that you volunteer? Does the world end or is all ok when you get home?

I appreciate it must be tough for your hubby with his condition, but seriously you have to let go and have one evening off, sounds like you really do desrve it.

deserve

We're not all sneering and judging, Day. I for one know perfectly well what it is like dealing with children with SN, I have been doing that for the last 15 years. I would be in less good shape now though if I couldn't rely on dh to do his bit: what worries me about the OP is that she doesn't seem to feel she has the right to ask other people for help.

You can ask for help but you have NO RIGHT to expect it.

I have no one, have never had anyone and it has made me prioritise what is important. I don't have a social life but in a year I will have done a lot to secure our future...

If the OP says her husband is too ill to care for their child then who are we to judge? Even if it's his perception that he can't cope then the relatity is he can't do it. Does it help to tell the OP that she is a martyr and a mug because she doesn't 'make' him do his bit

No, it doesn't and I know because I have been in her shoes and heard all the...

'But you are young you DESERVE a life'
'You can't let HIM [my 6 yr old] dictate your life'
'You will fall apart and be a mess and then what good will you be?'
'But s/he's your dad / your sister / your friend... just leave him with them and don't worry about it?

All said with total disreguard for how someone genuinely stuck in that situation feels. If OP needs to change things then telling her she is a martyr and being precious will not empower change.

I don't WANT to put a social life before my child. My career, which will secure his future and the course to learn about his autism is a priority but a night out? No way... and the good people in the world understand and admire that.

I agree with Cory. If you DO want to attend for the entire day, then you should go. If your daughter won't sleep, he can just let her watch tv. Your call really.

gosh, your husband is FIFTY and you feel that he can't be expected to do much 'for quite some time' because his father has died?!? Doesn't sound like you think much of him.

My Dad died in 2008. I was only 24 and my 2 children were 6 and 1.5. The older one has additional needs (emotional). I'm a single mum and work full time. 'Not dealing with much for quite some time' just wasn't an option.

Give him a bit of trust and respect and you'll probably be surprised at what he can and will do.

You shouldn't have to lose your social life for a 7 year old.

... and one of these new labels kids get so the drug companies can make money from putting them on a drug of some sort.

Doris with respect, nothing the OP said initially suggested that her child had SN of any kind.

And actually, yes the OP does have the right to expect that her husband takes equal responsibility for parenting his child.

I think this is actually more about your kiddie's needs.

Trust me, pharmaceutical companies are not making up conditions so can flog medication.

But you sound concerned. Get yourself to the GP for some advice. If she is 'shy' at school and boisterous at home she's clearly acting out in some way.

Don't go to this 'do' if you're feel 'guilty' but bear in mind your daughter needs to cope with being apart from you. She might not like it but you must fir ed some independence from her. Not collude in her dependence.

I owe you a HUGE apology.

For some reason, I read mental health problems, not health problems.

God alone knows how I did that!

Which is why you got the weird post from me about mental health.

coming back to it this morning, I read "health" problems. The word "mental" was never bloody in there! I have no idea how I managed that!

You must have wondered what the holy hell I was on about

OP - you say you had 2 evenings out 3 years ago. This is why it's worrying, not that the hen do is the be-all and end-all but that your DH sees your daughter and her issues as your problem. As many posters have said, plenty parents have their own health problems that don't prevent them being alone in the house with their own child! He needs to support you and be able to look after her, it's what being a parent is. You're not asking anything of him other than to be there for her. Your DD needs to see that it's not just your job to look after her.

Some attitudes on here reflect the belief that it's the woman's job to look after children and that she should need to ask her DH to babysit!

OP I bet you wish you had not posted now!!!!!
i agree with what dayshift doris said

I work FT and I would refuse in general a day-time kids-free social thing, I dont see my kids for 5 days a week and they come first at the weekend, simple

there are alot of people that do have babysitters and do have help that can be very sneery about people that dont go out, calling them martyrs etc

Look dont go if you cant to to day bit, noone will mind, make up an excuse. But DO go in the evening and have FUN

and only you know what your daughter is like, so ignore unhelpful posters and they dont know jack shit abvout her

stripeybump puts it much better than I did. It is not about this party as such or whether you should be having a social life or not- that is obviously up to you: it is about the fact that your dh is not expected to work around his health problems for the sake of his own child.

If a mother is ill, even terminally ill, she still expects to spend time with her child and be there for her- and this is good for both parent and child. I think fathers miss out if they don't have the same expectations on them.

If you were ill or took medicine that made you tired, would you really never be alone with your dd, OP? Or do you think a father is less important than a mother? It is very easy to cut a father off by lowering your expectations, but it does mean both he and the child miss out.

I agree a 7yr should be able to moderate her behaviour and your dh should, even with ill health and bereavement, be able to find a way to deal with her on the odd occasion. Have you ever given them a chance to muddle through or do you feel the need to be there and intervene? It does sound as if you have somehow allowed a barrier between them and that your dd plays up in response ie. re babysitter if you aren't around. Now my interpretation could well be off the mark - indeed your dh may be poorly or your dd have an undiagnosed SN that you aren't facing - but that seems to be what you have described. If you want to go out , whether to this event or another in the future, you need to be more assertive and relax the control you seem to need. Your dd agrees to cooperate, goes to bed early with book or music and they somehow get on with things. If you are worried that your dh isn't physically up to it have a babysitter come into distract her for those few hours as a back up.

Do whatever you feel would be best for you. But I think you do longer term need to tackle this issue about your DD refusing to be looked after by anyone except this 1 babysitter. Whether she is playing you up or is genuinely over anxious I don't know. But whichever way it is, it does need to be tackled.

A friend has a DD who is like this. We were sympathetic when she brought her young DD along with her to things because she got anxious about being separated from her mum. But at 13 years of age, she really hasn't changed and now often refuses to go to school as well.

IMO it is easier to tackle issues like this with DC when they are younger.

Oh, come on, we're all tired. Ok, he has a heart condition, but surely it doesn't make him completely incapable of looking after his own child. I know how difficult bedtimes can be, I have a 3 and 5 year old (dd1 has Aspergers,dd2 is being assessed) and they can be a nightmare at bedtime. Strangely they seem to be worse when we're both there. Would listening to an audio book help her settle? Or could her dad keep her up a bit later if it makes it easier for her to settle? If you went out in the afternoon, could he watch a DVD with her or take her to a playground or soft play to burn off a bit of energy? Of course it's difficult if you have health problems and have had a fairly recent bereavement, but you need a break too.

If you really think that your dd might have some form of special needs, you should ask for a referral, it doesn't have to mean drugs, there are other options.

OP if you are not comfortable going out for 3pm it doesn't MATTER what your reasons are, or what your family set up is like. You do what you are comfortable doing, and if that means baking in the afternoon, putting your dd to bed and THEN going out, so be it... the Hen will be glad to see you regardless.

However from your other posts it does sound that things aren't quite right for you at home, that you have taken on a huge burden and are maybe giving your DH's health problems too much emphasis so he's not actually pulling his weight? I do not mean that nastily. Your dd doesn't sound that unusual tbh, both my boys have a manic hour before bedtime.

If you want to go out at 3pm and its only your guilt stopping you, then YABU to yourself. Hire a babysitter. If you are happy to carry on and sacrificing your much earned and deserved time out, then that is your choice too.

From your words, I suspect you're not happy at all with the whole family arrangement and that as you are not getting the support you need from your DH have turned into a slight martyr (you're not quite at burning on the stake stage but you're certainly holding a match to your toes).

I wish you the best. Either way, what ever you choose to do, YANBU, and you mustn't feel guilty.

Op, I think your post has highlighted other issues than just the hen night.

I agree that family time on the weekend is precious. I cant remember last time I spent time away from my kids during the weekend, oh yes I can, dh took them shopping while I baked birthday cake. But I dont think that really counts.

It seems that your dd has some issues that you might want to investigate. My sons have been able to get themselves ready for bed from the age of 5. This does not mean I leave it to them, I let them go up and start. They either have a bath, or just clean their teeth, face and bottoms, pj on, and just snuggle up in bed with a book each. I hover nearby, and ensure everything is ok. And then I read with our youngest, and have a bedside chat with them.
I think it is an important aspect of teaching them independence and teach them to look after themselves! In our house bedtime is really nice and relaxed. This means, on the odd occasion I do go out, or my dh goes to the gym, or we both go out and we have a babysitter, it is stress free for everybody!

Could you try give your dd the Big Girl responsibility of sorting herself out at bedtime? Show her you trust her. Tell her what she needs to do, and tell her that you will come up and read a story with her when she is done. Could that work? Could you maybe try this over the weekend?

As for your husbands health, you and him know what his situation is. But most people whatever the problem, tackle their parenting head on. We all go through tough times, but we can never opt out of parenting. I am sorry that your husbands father has died. But your husband is 50! It is pretty normal to start losing parents then. I am 39, my father is 84, inevitably he will pass away, and I will be sad, but I cannot let this affect my children! If your husbands father just died, then your dd has lost her grandad, and the two of them should really be able to snuggle up, rather than your husband pulling away from family duties for the foreseable future....

Thirdly, I wonder if they are so incapable as you make it seem, or if you just have some illfounded perceptions, and need to let go of your reigns a little. Trust them. Give them responsibilities. But most of all, dont feel guilty for having some time away from your family! It does not mean they are not important, it just means you are an individual who wants to now and then do something different.

Maybe it is time you actively start training your daughter to accept babysitters, and for you and your husband to enjoy some quality time together. Maybe go to see a movie, or have a meal out every two months?

It can only do all of you good!

Ok. Here goes. I'm going to say this and it is going to sound horrible to you and to your DD. I don't mean it like that - I mean it to be blunt but well meant advice coming from someone who has been there.

I have 4 children. 2 boys then 2 girls. DD1, who is third on the list, was a very very very difficult baby and then toddler. She had (and continues to have) some health issues that were major when she was small and are now easily managed.

As a toddler she could tantrum and play me and now-xH for fucking Ireland. She did the peeing in the supermarket, peeing the floor, peeing the bed if she didn't get what she wanted. She never slept.

She was incredibly clingy to me and her dad, refused to accept babysitters and howled inconsolably for the whole time we were away. Aged about 2 and a bit a conversation about me and her dad going on a very rare night out

"You go away a leave me I cry a cry a be sick. Then Jo phone and you a daddy come home"

And that went on all day - I cry a cry a be sick.

Jo (aka Joanne) lived next door was 19 and thank fuck was a psychology student.

so when DD1 "cry a cry a be sick" all over the floor, and looked up at Jo grinning from ear to ear and said "I be a sick you phone my mummy a come home" Jo said nope, cleaned it up and sat it out with howling child til we got home.

I let DD1 dominate for an easy life. I organised things to please her, amuse her and I walked on eggshells in case she would have a tantrum, or behave badly. Her tantrums were epic, absolutely epic, could go on all day if I put the wrong sock on first.

She was not quite 4 and I snapped one day when she ordered me to reverse the car out of the car park space I had chosen and put it in a different one as she didnt' like that one, and I turned the car and we went home.

It was hell to sort for a few months but I did sort it and she's now a happy well adjusted popular girl who is doing well in school. She's 13 now. I know there's a mum at school who is a MNetter (I don't know her username) and I know if she read this she would not believe it was my daughter.

I suppose what I am trying to say is, in a very long winded way, you're the parent, she's the child. You have to find some balls and sort her out now and stop her tantrumming and dominating you and your husband and your life and stop her limiting where you can go and what you can do.

It won't be easy, it won't be pleasant, but if you don't sort it now, what's going to happen in 10 years time when she's a teenager? If you can't control her now at 7 you have bucklies of controlling her at 17.

it doesnt sound like dad has a problem as such with putting her to bed- so you could let go a little.

yes get her assessed in case of bigger issues.

also when do you go out with DH?

and is he getting bereavement counselling to deal with his father's death? really, his life should not stop at this point because of this bereavement.

Excellent posts quintessentialdead and fluffystabby

Glad I'm not the only one to use 1000 words when 100 will do