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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not go to the daytime part of a hen party because I have a 7 year old...

115 replies

marykat2004 · 06/10/2011 20:55

... and the party will not be suitable for children?

I already agreed to make cakes (with my DD) but then I found out that the party starts at 3 pm. It's on a Sunday. Weekends are time I spend with my DD.

Another mum is leaving her DD with her kid's dad, but my DH has health problems and I don't think it's reasonable to ask him to look after our daughter just so I can go to a hen party in the day time.

OP posts:

QuintessentialDead · 06/10/2011 21:41

I went to a cheese and wine party at my childrens school just at the beginning of term. There was a coule that brought their child. The tables were set with plates, food candles, etc. The mum pushed all this aside to make place for the childs colouring in books and toys.

They made a fuss about lack of suitable drinks for their child.

Mostly evening parties are not appropriate for children.

ChippingIn · 06/10/2011 21:42

& of course she's manipulating you - you need to put your foot down and stop pandering to Madam or your life (and hers) will be hell. She's 7, take charge.

rhondajean · 06/10/2011 21:44

Are you expected to take her with you when you go out?

Because I can reliably inform you your female friends do NOT like having children at their nights - they dislike it just as much as DHs male friends but dont want to upset you/make you not come because they realise you are having a hard time.

Which makes them nice friends to have actually, but still, somethings got to change for everyone's good.

TheBolter · 06/10/2011 21:48

Agree with Rhonda. I inwardly groan at the appearance of a young child on an evening out. Not that it's happened very much, but I do remember a group of us going out for a curry one night and there being children on the table next to us. When they left we all agreed that the mere presence of the children on a much-needed night away from our own made us cry just a little bit inside .

Call me a miserable fucker, I do like children, just not on nights out with friends! I need some 'naughty' time where I can drink, loosen my tongue and even smoke the odd fag.

cory · 06/10/2011 21:49

Are your dh's health problems of such a nature that he is not safe to be left with your dd (as in= might harm her?). Otherwise, I really fail to understand why a 7yo can't put herself to bed with minimum adult input. Or does your dd have special needs?

Original poster

marykat2004 · 06/10/2011 21:50

I think it had to do with the venue they are hiring or borrowing, it was only available on the Sunday.. and it's a surprise. The "hen" thinks she's just meeting a couple of friends for a quiet drink in lieu of a wild time. How she's' managed to settle for that I do not know! The wedding itself is abroad.

OP posts:

verytellytubby · 06/10/2011 22:13

Your DH should be able to cope. All sounds a weird set up.

forrestgump · 06/10/2011 22:26

No matter what is going on in your dh's personally life he is still a dad, rough times come with parenting, if you don't want to go on the hen do, fair enough, but I think the hen will twig you are digging for excuses.

Eglu · 06/10/2011 22:34

I agree with the pp who said that a 7 year old should be able to get ready for bed with minimal input.

If you don't want to go fair enough, but it sounds like you are completely tied to your DD.

LittleMissWoodscommaElle · 06/10/2011 22:38

YANBU - I donlt go to this sort of thing especially snce having children. My working hours are such that Sundays are precious family time.

Just say sorry you can;t make it - hen parties are not compulsory you know.

WilsonFrickett · 06/10/2011 22:43

I too misunderstood about the cakes, but I stand by my posts actually. A bereaved person needs support and understanding but it doesn't mean they are rendered incapable of putting their child to bed. What about lone parents who lose their own parents?

OP the phrase 'rod for your own back' has never been so apt, I'm afraid. Just go to the hen night. What's the worst that can happen?

Original poster

marykat2004 · 06/10/2011 23:04

clarifying: I haven't taken DD on "nights" out except about 3 years ago, when DH was in hospital (not critical at that point) and I was at my wits end, so I took her with me and people were very understanding and supportive. Recently it was an afternoon "tea" party where I took her, and things like afternoon pub lunches where there are sometimes other children and/or dogs. DD likes the dogs. I don't take her on 'nights out' to eat or anything like that, what a disaster that would be! Though I sometimes envy the mums who get weekend time like that. I have never had weekend time, I mean daytime weekend time, on my own with just friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

marykat2004 · 06/10/2011 23:05

And the two "nights" out 3 years ago were house gatherings, not in a pub or restaurant, just I don't seem like too awful a mother...

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 06/10/2011 23:09

There's something about this thread that sounds awfully weird.

Unless you are a complete and utter martyr, OP, I'm afraid I just don't believe it. Nobody in their right mind would book a hen party for a Sunday afternoon. Nobody in their right mind would think that a husband couldn't care for his own child for a few hours because his own father had died recently.

ImperialBlether · 06/10/2011 23:10

Bit of irony there, too, being so upset about the death of a parent that you can't parent your own child.

WilsonFrickett · 06/10/2011 23:12

Seriously OP. Taking your child to 2 gatherings in the evenings at a pub or restaurant would not actually make you a bad mother, you know.

Where did I put my bad mother badge again?

cory · 06/10/2011 23:14

OP, I think you need to give us more details if we are to understand your position. What is there about your dh that makes him unable of being the adult in the house while your dd cleans her teeth and goes to bed? What is it about your dd which means she has to be at your side all the time? How does she cope with school if she can't even cope with you going out for an afternoon?

stripeybump · 06/10/2011 23:18

OP you need to sort your life out, you really do. It is normal to have a life away from your child and your DH can look after a 7yo for one day. You are both parents, you should be equal. It's not like you're breastfeeding her and can't leave her!

And she sounds spoilt with all the attention lavished on her anyway, acting up for babysitters to stop you going out is appalling.

What exactly is wrong with your DH that you don't believe he can look after her? She's 7, not 2.

ImperialBlether · 06/10/2011 23:19

You don't know that she's not breastfeeding her, stripey!

squeakytoy · 06/10/2011 23:21

A lot of 7 year olds in this country are carers for their own parents.. so I would have thought a child this age would be fine with the minimal of supervision from a parent, even a disabled one. I do feel OP is not explaining it very clearly though.

A 7 year old should also not be having a tantrum and bedwetting if they dont like a babysitter.. that is just bizarre.

ICantFindAFreeNickName · 06/10/2011 23:36

I agree with what the others have said - you should be able to have an afternoon off, without any problems. However if your DH is not able to do much, can you not make it a special daughter & dad time - get a special dvd that they can watch & a favourite easy meal (or delivered pizza), let her miss her bath etc. Make it into a fun special time for them rather than you going out & leaving your daughter.

Original poster

marykat2004 · 06/10/2011 23:42

OK here it goes. I have always felt like I am putting DH out when I ask him to look after our daughter. No, he is not violent psychopath. He is just tired because he has a heart condition and has to take pills that make him more tired. We had her late, and DH is 50 now. He is just tired. And DD is hyper. Maybe she has some actual problems, I don't know, and I don't know if I can tell the difference between real special needs and one of these new labels kids get so the drug companies can make money from putting them on a drug of some sort.

DD is capable of being quiet but it's like switch goes off in her head when it's bedtime. She doesn't listen, gets very manic, starts playing with the cat, anything to avoid bed. It is hard work putting her to bed. Yes DH does it, one evening a week when I do some voluntary work. And I always feel guilty about that, I should be at home, not out volunteering (I thought it would be a way to get new skills, and keep doing something when I was made redundant).

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 06/10/2011 23:45

Ahem I am older than your DH with a health condition that makes me very tired and I work full time. If he is too tired to deal with your daughter, then maybe you need to look at whether she does have a problem. She shouldn't be too difficult to go to bed reasonably, at the age of 7.

What is she like in school?

Original poster

marykat2004 · 06/10/2011 23:46

very quiet and painfully shy in school.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 06/10/2011 23:52

What does your dh say?
Does he complain about the one night a week?

Surely your 7 year old is old enough to understand about dad s I'll health ? Does she play up the same on "his"nights?

You should not feel guilty

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