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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask you how long it took to really bond with your first child?

119 replies

PetiteRaleuse · 05/10/2011 08:34

I was watching a documentary on French TV last night - something like One Born Every Minute but French version. And a group of MW were going on about one mother who didn't seem excited about her baby. An I remembered that I wasn't when she arrived. It took me a couple of weeks to really bond with her.

I suspect that I am not alone. Even without PND I think bonding is not automatic and doesn't happen the second the baby arrives. So, my questions:

How long did it take to feel you bonded with your first child?

If you didn't bond immediately, did you admit it to anyone? (I admitted it to my mum and she was shocked!)

With any subsequent children was the bonding process any faster? (A French shrink said that bonding often was easier with second and third kids).

OP posts:

dottynosleep · 06/10/2011 16:03

it was very strange with dd2 - I have a strong feeling that I didn't know her whereas with the others I felt like I'd known them forever & they were clearly meant to be my children.

JoandMax · 06/10/2011 16:09

Around 3 weeks with my first, up until then I didn't feel much one way or the other.....

With my second I got a rush of love immediately but didn't bond with him til over a year - he was very poorly and I struggled with confidence with him, felt I didn't know how to comfort him etc. He's now 18 months and we're great, he's my little miracle and I can't imagine my life without him!

mamamazzini · 06/10/2011 16:28

dotty - ditto the mama bear thing . I bonded with my ds somewhere in the hazy first few hours. Had EMCS under GA and I don't remember seeing him for the first time. First thing I remember is loads of hands tugging on my boobs as the midwives tried to get him to latch on. They gave him formula from a bottle soon after because I was so out of it. I'd planned a homebirth and had all that Ina May stuff in mind so was quite shocked to be in that situation. Nevertheless, we bonded. I think the trauma helped in a way - I felt humbled, immensely grateful and overwhelmed with love for my ds.

pandorasbox21 · 06/10/2011 16:41

As soon as she was born. i was off my head on gas and air for about an hour but once felt normal after that and bonded straght away though, but I love babies and kids a very large amount and have had a strong bond (not as strong as with dd) with a fair few other young children that arent even my own.

vixsatis · 06/10/2011 16:49

Absolutely instantly

IVF baby, so I had "seen" him in more and earlier scans than normal (first one he was two cells). That may make a difference.

Birth itself was horrible- fast and violent until he got stuck, the EMCS

squarebugs · 06/10/2011 16:58

LeQueen your posts have been a huge comfort thanks. I had PND after my firstborn although I didn't seek treatment until he was a year old . I had bonded with him by then, but I was still crippled with anxiety and dark thoughts. I just convinced myself that to go on ADs was somehow a failure.

He is 5 now but I still feel guilty and it makes me worry about him more than my dd as I was on cloud nine when she was born.

morkcallingorson · 06/10/2011 17:10

With DC1, 18 months or more. I had a traumatic delivery/hospital experience and really bad PND/depression. DC1 was a very difficult baby and had issues that I won't go into, but made everyone unhappy, not just me. But my own issues did not help one bit, and I feel guilty and angry on her behalf being born to a mother like me. I'm still not 100% sure of the bond, tbh, and DC1 is now 3.5 yo, but we are very close, and mostly get on very well. I love her very much, but I always feel there's something missing that I just can't put my finger on.

With DC2 it was immediate and unconditional. This birth was easy, the hospital were fab and DC2 is a very easy going child in the main. I had PND/depression again, but my love for DC2 never seemed an issue as it did with DC1.

The difference in how I feel about them makes me very . I just work on being the best mum I can with them both without going crazy with guilt about it all.

marylou242 · 06/10/2011 21:04

I think I bonded gradually with DS from about 5/6 weeks old when he started smiling and I started feeling like I was getting something back from him. I'd had a terrible HG pregnancy and wondered all the way through whether I'd 'reject' the baby because of how ill I'd been. I certainly didn't reject him but it took a while to get over the horrible pregnancy, and to get over the shock of having a demanding newborn with colic and an ability to cry through boredom at only a few days old.

AnxiousElephant · 06/10/2011 21:10

Can't remember the exact turning point, but after a very difficult delivery I had PND for 9 months which wasn't recognised by the HV so it took between 5-9 months . I did everything expected of a mother but felt very detached.

DD2 was very different because my social and emotional circs were very different and the birth, although complicated, wasn't horrific and I was awake for the delivery It was immediate with her. I have a great relationship with both now though

staylucky · 06/10/2011 21:36

My DD1 and I didn't really click until she was about 3. Of course i've always loved and cared for her but I was still incredibly young, selfish and in a rotten relationship with her dad. When I met my current partner and began to realise who I was and what being her mum Really meant it all flooded in :0) my DS was utterly instant and we have a really fantastic bond. I feel bad that DD 'went through' those early years but tbh my mum and I have had that sort of relationship for always and I suspect many others do.

SurprisEs · 06/10/2011 21:40

If you define bonding as unconditional love, excitement and adoration then it was the second I first saw her.

But it took me a good 5/6 weeks to fully understand her needs and her ways. She felt like a strange creature at start, just one I adored.

exoticfruits · 06/10/2011 21:42

Instantly-with all three.

MissBetsyTrotwood · 06/10/2011 21:47

About 6 months. In fact, around the time when bfing him became less important/when solids started.

Not helped by the sudden death of my best friend. And PND.

CocoPopsAddict · 06/10/2011 21:47

I have one DS, aged 10 months.

I felt compelled to care for him when he was born... I mean, I felt protective.

But I didn't really bond completely for at least a month or so.

MissBetsyTrotwood · 06/10/2011 21:48

I don't mean bfing in itself, just the only milk bit at the start, iykwim.

MissBetsyTrotwood · 06/10/2011 21:49

I felt absolute duty and responsibility for him right away. I knew I'd do anything to protect and nurture him. But love? That giddy, excited, 'I'm so nuts for you' feeling? Much longer.

HeidiKat · 06/10/2011 21:50

It took me a few weeks with DD, I didn't feel much of anything straight after the birth except tired and wishing they would hurry up and stitch me up so I could go to sleep. DD was born a couple of weeks before Christmas so with DH's paternity leave and then all the festive stuff it was a while before I had the chance to get any time just me and her and really get to know her and bond, but once it came it felt so right and I couldn't possibly love her more now.

33goingon64 · 06/10/2011 21:56

Immediately. But I know it doesn't happen to everyone. My friend who was the last person I expected would have a baby seems really happy to have become a mum and says how much she is enjoying it... But says she still hasn't felt 'that rush of love you are meant to get'. I was amazed and realise how my reaction to DS's birth isn't necessarily the norm. As long as it comes eventually and the DC doesn't pick up on it, a lack of bonding won't hurt them I guess.

sixkids · 06/10/2011 21:59

1st baby,instant,2nd,a year.3rd 10mins,4th a few months,5th instant,6th a year,pnd with 2nd and 4th.

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