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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask you how long it took to really bond with your first child?

119 replies

PetiteRaleuse · 05/10/2011 08:34

I was watching a documentary on French TV last night - something like One Born Every Minute but French version. And a group of MW were going on about one mother who didn't seem excited about her baby. An I remembered that I wasn't when she arrived. It took me a couple of weeks to really bond with her.

I suspect that I am not alone. Even without PND I think bonding is not automatic and doesn't happen the second the baby arrives. So, my questions:

How long did it take to feel you bonded with your first child?

If you didn't bond immediately, did you admit it to anyone? (I admitted it to my mum and she was shocked!)

With any subsequent children was the bonding process any faster? (A French shrink said that bonding often was easier with second and third kids).

OP posts:
blackoutthesun · 05/10/2011 09:03

dd is 7 months and tbh i'm only just begining to like her...

choceyes · 05/10/2011 09:08

With DC1, it was a traumatic brith, EMCS, serious breastfeeding difficulties, jaundice also meant he was under lights a lot whilst I was at hospital, therefore hardly any skin to skin. Slept in own cot, didn't need to be held, was content laying in his bouncy chair............took a couple of months to bond I'd say.

With DC2 - planned c-section, breastfeeding very easy, co-slept from day 1, wanted to be held all the time, so used slings a lot............bonded from day 1.

Athrawes · 05/10/2011 09:08

Four months at least. We were on holiday and he got sick in a foreign country and he was so small and so sad with his IV drip in and yet so brave and I knew him and knew what he wanted and liked, because he was MINE and noone else GOT him like did. Is this bonding or ownership?

PaigeTurner · 05/10/2011 09:11

About four months. Had a lot of problems with DS's dad being an arsehole about whether he wanted to be in his life (we were never together). At four months he disappeared for three months, and that gave me chance to get to know DS properly.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 05/10/2011 09:15

I bonded with my first the moment he was born - before he was born actually.

He, OTOH, didn't bond with me until he was about 9 years old. (autism) It took him that long to realise I was anything more that a handy tool to bring him food and get him things he couldn't reach Grin

My second, I bonded with him when he was born (bad timing, pill failure, lots of stress. Took actually seeing him to stop feeling like it was a Big Mistake Blush ) he was much more cuddly and interested in me (although still autistic) I was also a handy tool for him, mind. Grin

Original poster
PetiteRaleuse · 05/10/2011 09:18

Bonsoir I gave birth in Luxembourg - so missed out on the French system. From what I could see on the show though they seemed to be aiming for things to be as natural as possible, with the exception that epidural is offered rather than begged for

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Squitten · 05/10/2011 09:19

With DS1, I had an unexpected breech and EMCS. BF was a drawn-out, painful failure and he didn't sleep well. I had baby blues and, looking back, I think I might have had PND. I think it took about 6mths to feel bonded really.

With DS2, things could not have been more different. Natural birth, no complications, no hormonal complications, BF has been a great success and I am completely bonded with him. I think it's a combination of a better birth for me, plus being an experienced parent. We have been so laid back this time and there has been no worrying about how much he eats or when he sleeps, etc, etc...

Pishtushette · 05/10/2011 09:21

I loved DD straight away, more than I could`ve imagined, but it took a while for me to bond and really feel that she was mine. The labour and delivery were pretty fast and it just felt like a baby had suddenly landed in my arms from nowhere.

I admitted to one friend who said she felt the same way.

StrandedBear · 05/10/2011 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notinmykitchen · 05/10/2011 09:25

It took me about a week with DS. I remember feeling very tired, and a bit stunned the night he was born, that was about it. I can also remember looking at him and thinking, how strange, this is my baby but I don't really know him. About a week in it suddenly hit me, been mad about him ever since, most of the time.

Original poster
PetiteRaleuse · 05/10/2011 09:31

Wow. So it looks like instant bonding is just for a lucky few. I just emailed my sister about this and she said that the first took a few weeks, and the second was instant. She didn't have PND with the first, but was just in shock at having a kid to look after suddenly.

OP posts:
Original poster
PetiteRaleuse · 05/10/2011 09:32

Notinmykitchen stunned is the right word.

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 05/10/2011 09:50

Oh, I remember being stunned Grin I remember taking him (my first) home, looking at him and thinking "oh crap. What the hell do I do now." and suddenly being alarmed that I had been allowed to be left in charge of this tiny little person.

I think that's a different thing from 'bonding'. I still felt bonded to him and like he was mine and amazing.

I just felt like them actually allowing me out of the hospital with him was a big mistake on their part Grin

Original poster
PetiteRaleuse · 05/10/2011 09:51

Must admit I was very relieved that my DH had already been through it all with his first DS and knew what to do :)

OP posts:
GilbonzoTheSecretPsychoDuck · 05/10/2011 09:51

I bonded with ds during my pg. I know that sounds weird but when he came out (after hb dropped to 40bpm, emcs, etc) I felt like I already knew him. I collapsed the next day and went to the HDU. I was drifting in and out of conciousness and in between yelling at the doctor to get his bastard cold hands off me kept calling out for him because it felt so wrong to be separated.

With dd (2nd baby) I was in labour for 8 weeks, had an emcs and she came out looking like the ugliest thing ever to land on the earth. She didn't look like my child and I was gutted. But thanks to the French doctors deciding that mums aren't allowed to be with their baby until they have full use of their legs, the bonding happened very quickly while I was trying to convince the midwife that I could walk if only they'd remove all the wires. I had the 'rush of love' as soon as I was taken to our room.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 05/10/2011 09:51

I also used to lick them Hmm did anyone else do that? I felt an overwhelming urge to lick their foreheads. I could not stop myself from doing it. It lasted for weeks.

GooseyLoosey · 05/10/2011 09:53

Around a year. I felt nothing at all when he was born and have always been astonished at the feelings that other people describe. I did not admit it to anyone at the time, I felt such a failure as a mother.

It was quicker with my second child but still not immediate.

I realise its more common than I would have thought now, but I still feel bad about it.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 05/10/2011 09:54

Oh. I am not being smug or anything btw. Acting like I had the perfect bonding experience. I'd hate people to somehow feel like they had 'failed' if they didn't feel that 'rush' when the baby was born.

My trouble came later when I started to think that he had died and been replaced by a demon Hmm and I started to picture how he had been cut up into bits to be removed from me Hmm

Animol · 05/10/2011 09:54

When my first was born I wasn't sure if we were bonded and then his baby jaundice got worse and he had to go to children's unit and I couldn't go with him and it felt like having my heart ripped out and then I knew I'd bonded!

nagynolonger · 05/10/2011 10:01

It did take a while with DS1. I did feel protective of him straight away and I was scared of doing something wrong. I did BF for 4 months and even though he was gaining weight and perfectly healthy I was worried I wasn't doing enough so switched to FF. I didn't make that mistake with the other 5.
Looking back I was undermined by PIL always waving infront of his eyes clicking fingers and saying 'Can he see and hear alright', and ofcourse comparing with SILs toddlers (who were perfect of course). My DS1 was perfect too but they all made me doubt! Also MIL could always stop him crying when I couldn't.....I fact everyone else in the world could stop him crying except me. The only time I could comfort him was to BF or walk him in his pram. I used to walk him around for hours.
I would have given my own life for him from birth but real love for the him didn't come for me until he was at the sitting up stage at about 7 months. I think it took me that long to recover from the actual birth.
I had DD 18m later and another 4 DC after her. With them there was no delay.

buttonspoon · 05/10/2011 10:05

I think I bonded immediately - I felt a massive rush of love and felt that I 'knew' her already. But I found the next few weeks/months very hard with no sleep and bfeeding almost constantly, so there were some times I did not feel totally 'at one' with my dd. Now I get worried that she doesn't like me very much! She has big smiles and laughs for DH but me, I'm still a bit of a feeding machine 11 months on...

nagynolonger · 05/10/2011 10:08

I did not admit my feelings to anyone apart from DH.

Robotindisguise · 05/10/2011 10:08

When DD was born I'd been contracting for the best part of three days and the labour itself was very long. I was put on one side to breastfeed and once the skin to skin stuff was done (45 mins or so) it was time to weigh her etc and she was taken behind me, with me facing the other way. My rational brain was saying "this is your baby, you should want to roll over and look at her" but my animal brain (if you like) was in shock and telling me to be very very still.

The first night I felt very little emotion, except for being pleased breastfeeding was working. Huge rush of love about day 3/4 which fair knocked me off my feet.

wigglesrock · 05/10/2011 10:11

I have 3 dds and from the minute they were born I loved them, wanted to take care of them and was enthralled by them but I didn't bond with them for a few months. As a previous poster said it was like I was borrowing them/ doing a long babysitting stint Grin. With dd1 I remember walking down the stairs with her, looking down at her and just feeling it, I actually felt like I would die without her. She was about 4 months old.

Dd2 took a little longer, she was a completely different baby to dd1, never slept etc, I was tireder, dd1 was 2 and it took maybe 7 or so months. Dd3 is now 7.5 months and from about 3 months I felt that was that and she was mine.

Original poster
PetiteRaleuse · 05/10/2011 10:11

Hecate I don't see anyone who is sharing about how they bonded immediately as smug. I also don't think non-immediate bonding is in any way a failure (a word which I see too often on these boards when talking about birthing and newborn parenting).

Love your licking anecdote - it's so primal (is that the word?).

OP posts: