Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask you how long it took to really bond with your first child?

119 replies

PetiteRaleuse · 05/10/2011 08:34

I was watching a documentary on French TV last night - something like One Born Every Minute but French version. And a group of MW were going on about one mother who didn't seem excited about her baby. An I remembered that I wasn't when she arrived. It took me a couple of weeks to really bond with her.

I suspect that I am not alone. Even without PND I think bonding is not automatic and doesn't happen the second the baby arrives. So, my questions:

How long did it take to feel you bonded with your first child?

If you didn't bond immediately, did you admit it to anyone? (I admitted it to my mum and she was shocked!)

With any subsequent children was the bonding process any faster? (A French shrink said that bonding often was easier with second and third kids).

OP posts:
pyjamasinbananas · 05/10/2011 13:03

I still have days now where occasionally they dont feel like mine. Fleeting little moments but still I feel guilty. Then there's times when they are so funny and lovely I hate the idea that I share them with DP and want to keep them to myself!
I think there's a lot of pressure to be perfect and feel this rush of love/instant bond and IMO that is a factor that led to my PND. Even now the shelves have 5 different parenting books and I still feel the need to read these frequently to make myself a 'perfect' parent

TheCountessOlenska · 05/10/2011 13:22

I didn't get a rush of love at all . . . but I wasn't expecting to, so it didn't bother me. They're little strangers when they come out really aren't they, and I think you have to get to know them (was the same with my cat!). I think I properly fell in love with DD when she was around 1 to be honest.

I was fascinated by her when she was born, and thought she was the prettiest baby I'd ever seen - but definitely not overwhelming love feelings.

I also licked her little head and her hair when she was a newborn! We really are just animals at the end of the day!

madmomma · 05/10/2011 13:31

Aww these stories are so moving. I can relate to so many of them. What amazes me is how different the bonding process can be for the same woman but with different babies. I think sometimes when the love rushes in late, it makes it all the more poignant. I love that some of you lick your babies! I must confess to sucking my son's little ears and chin. God it's a bloody rollercoaster isn't it?! Can't wait to do it all again in a few weeks Smile

exaspomum · 05/10/2011 13:31

Four days. Until then I thought DC was crying because she knew I was a rubbish mum. On day Four (still in hospital) I suddenly knew it would all be okay because I developed a new worry: my baby was at much more risk of being takien by a babysnatcher than the other babies in the hospital because she was FAR MORE BEAUTIFUL than any of them! I felt a bit sorry for the other mums with their inferior babies! honestly.

blondie80 · 05/10/2011 13:40

bonded striaghtway with both, prob more so dd2, as we waited 10 yrs on her coming:)

porcamiseria · 05/10/2011 13:55

agree with bonsoir, often first births are such a medicalised shocker you are too traumatised! I was scared of DS1 to start wth

WidowWadman · 05/10/2011 13:56

I think this whole bonding thing is just another pop psychology invention designed to put massive pressure onto women as how they should behave, feel, etc, and which helps some women to feel superior, whilst pushing others into depression.

When my first daughter arrived by EMCS I felt the rush of love, I was very protective and spent hours watching her sleep, just to make sure she kept breathing, and felt uncomfortable leaving her with anyone for even just an hour.

When my second child arrived I didn't display the same paranoia behaviour, but was/am much more relaxed.

Do I love her any less or feel less bonded? Don't think so.

However, I didn't go into the whole thing thinking that I must feel an instant bond - I knew from other women in my family that it can take time, and that not being instantly smitten is as normal as being instantly smitten.

I don't think the delivery method makes any difference either, but the expectations you have on yourself.

Original poster
PetiteRaleuse · 05/10/2011 13:59

WidowWadman that's great that you went in not feeling the pressure to feel an instant bond. I knew it must be more common than we are led to believe, which is why I started the thread, but why aren't we allowed to say so? I was made to feel like the worst mother in the world in the hospital (I stayed in for three nights, and spent more time crying there than my baby because of the MWs comments about how I wasn't normal)

OP posts:
AlpinePony · 05/10/2011 14:19

Ironically Petite I feel that women such as widowwoman and myself aren't "allowed" to say "it was easy". So much competitive misery & self-questioning.

ilovedjasondonovan · 05/10/2011 14:28

7 weeks

WidowWadman · 05/10/2011 14:28

PetiteRaleuse I think I've been incredibly lucky to have some very down to earth people in my own and my husband's family, as well as friends, who shared their own experiences with me and helped me arrive at that stance before my children were born.

The instant bonding thing is a romantic narrative which is sold to women, because they want to believe it. You want to hear "you're gonna love your ickle lickle adorably cutie dimply babypops soooo much" rather than with "you're going to probably be exhausted, want to throw up from tiredness, the squeedgie in your arm almost likely will look rather unpretty for the first week or so, you'll leak from your breasts, you'll leak from your chuff, and you will cry at Mary effing Poppins and it's really not fun"

That's why pregnancy is romanticised and it'll come as a surprise that you don't just get fantastic skin and hair and a neat bump which will look great in maternity clothes, and all for the price of maybe throwing up a couple of times as a sign that you need to take a pregnancy test. There's no talk about the flatulence, the SPD, the water retention, the frequent night time loo trips before you're in the situation yourself.

That's why birth is romanticised - nobody wants to hear about tears, and if you hear about tears it's a totally abstract concept - who wants to know about complications? That's why the gold standard birth now is painted as being totally pain killer free - by telling yourself you'll get through it by meditating, dimmed lights and scented candles, you're also telling yourself that it really can't be that painful. At least that's what I had done. It completely took me by surprise how fecking much it bloody hurt. And, ironically I was equally surprised how little I struggled with my Caesareans - which are less romanticised.

And because people rather read/hear the pretty stories, those are the stories more often told. The negative things are not talked about as they negate the pretty stories. And because they're not being talked about, people who experience the negative stuff start to feel they're wrong, and don't dare telling their stories as they don't want people to think they're coldhearted freaks.

happygilmore · 05/10/2011 14:33

Immediately, in fact even before she was born really. I had a tough delivery but when DD was born she looked me straight in the eye and it was amazing, I felt so glad to see her at last. I think it helped me that we'd named her already and I used to talk to her a lot before she was born.

Hardgoing · 05/10/2011 14:35

I don't think instant bonding is simply a romantic narrative, your body is awash with hormones and can make you feel both utterly in love with your baby, indifferent or have the 'baby blues', sometimes all three at different times. And prolonged lack of bonding/attachment (in the psychological sense) which is about a relationship between primary carer and the baby is massively problematic and linked to poor outcomes.

I agree though that the 'you see baby, you fall immediately in love' is presented as THE narrative about birth, but just because it doesn't always happen doens't mean it isn't true in some instances. It would be very strange if we held this narrative for no good reason at all.

TotallyKerplunked · 05/10/2011 14:35

Thank you everyone for your stories, I was starting to think there is something wrong with me.

I've got a 5 week DS, a very much wanted baby after fertility problems and MC but I haven't had that rush of love, I know how to look after a baby (younger siblings) so don't feel overwhelmed by the responsibility, I just feel that i'm going through the motions.

He seems to settle/like everyone except me, we are having BF, sleeping and colic problems which are probably not helping. I didn't have a bad labour but I did have pre-eclampsia for 2 months causing lots of stress and then an induction, maybe that has has some effect?

Now I can see it will only be a matter of time, not too long I hope, I feel bad that I can pick up/kiss/sing to my beloved cat whenever she wants attention but resent baby for wanting the same thing.

AllDirections · 05/10/2011 14:44

I bonded instantly with all 3 DDs. I was on a total high for 2 months after each child was born and then the tiredness hit me :)

WidowWadman · 05/10/2011 14:59

Hardgoing - i don't doubt that instabonding can happen - I've experienced it myself, certainly with my first child, but not as gutcrushingly strong with my second - but those who bond in an instant don't need the reassurance that they're normal, nor do those who have easy pregnancies and great births need the reassurance that their experience is completely normal and ok.

It's those who struggle(d) with any or all of the three that it's ok, normal and nothing to be ashamed of. Sadly "It doesn't have to be that bad or indeed can be great" is too easily translated into "It must never be bad, and if it is you've done or are doing it wrong"

WidowWadman · 05/10/2011 15:00

*It's those who struggle(d) with any or all of the three who need to know that it's ok, normal and nothing to be ashamed of

areyoutheregoditsmemargaret · 06/10/2011 14:49

I bonded with dd1 at about 2am on night two of her life when after a very traumatic c section involving a ga and me almost dying and then having been feeding her for about four hours straight, the midwife told me I was pathetic or some such because I asked if I really had to carry on feeding. I remember thinking "OK, it's you and me against the world, girl" and carrying on feeding ...

I didn't fall in love with her, however, until about five weeks when she started to reach out to try and touch my face.

And I didn't really bond with dd2, whom I now adore and worship, until she was about a year old - had had another CS, PND and she was a screamy koala baby who wouldn't ever be put down.

Sympathies to you OP and I promise you, you will soon be besotted

Hardgoing · 06/10/2011 14:52

Widow- I think we agree, I was just pointing up the biological side of it, because it does seem to me that much of this is simply beyond our control (why would you get that rush with one and not with another) and that chemicals/hormones do play a part in that as well as societal expectations.

Original poster
PetiteRaleuse · 06/10/2011 15:17

areyouthere it happened OK thanks... it did takea couple of weeks. It's just this T Vshow and the weird reaction of the MWs going on about how she wasn't acting normally, and remembering that I hadn't been normal either.. I figutred that instant bonding didn't happen to everyone.

OP posts:
StellaNova · 06/10/2011 15:24

I agree that chemicals/ hormones play a part, because I did get a rush of love when DS1 was born, but it somehow got transferred to DH. So I would sit feeding DS1 tenderly watching DH sleeping and thinking "Aw, let him sleep." For DS1 I felt a huge responsibility, but like I had a baby animal to look after or something I had put so much effort into that if it went wrong it would be a disaster. That sounds really awful, I have never said it before.

I thought the "rush of love" for DS1 would never come but it did, I'm not sure when though, perhaps about 5 months, and then after that it grew and grew every day. It was the same with DS2, but this time the "rush of love" went to DS1, and I would be spending all my time thinking "What have we done to you, introducing this screaming baby into your life?!"

LeQueen · 06/10/2011 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouDoTheMath · 06/10/2011 15:35

Somewhere between 6 months and a year.

Never doubted the love, and I panicked if I ever had reason to think something was wrong; but people had told me I'd instantly forget what life had been like before she came along, and honestly, I didn't.

I also remember feeling sidelined by everyone who had put me first until that point (DH, parents etc). It was all about my baby and not me anymore (I'm an only child). That took a bit of getting used to.

BarbarianMum · 06/10/2011 15:47

With ds1 I had a long, long drawn out and intervention-filled labour/birth (he was a forceps delivery on the operating table in the end) and bonding took maybe half an hour. In fact it frightened me (yes really) how strongly I felt about him. I was terribly fearful for months that something would happen to him. Actually, looking back, I'm not sure it was healthy, more like obsession iyswim?

With ds2 it was a more gradual fall in love process. I was always terribly protective of him but it took a couple of months before I was aware that I was absolutely smitten.

dottynosleep · 06/10/2011 15:58

It was absolutely immediate with my first - I'd had an awful pregnancy & delivery & had an overwhelming feeling of thank fuck we both survived now I'll kill anyone who looks at you wrong mama-bear. With my second I had a great pregnancy lovely delivery & again bonded immediately, I was totally euphoric & at one with the universe & my fabulous baby Hmm .

Number 3 was conceived pretty much immediately after we'd lost her brother at 17 weeks - I was still in the depths of grief & spent the whole pregnancy convinced that she was going to die. I had severe post natal depression (was suicidal) & didn't bond at all until she was a year old - & even then it wasn't an immediate process - I was just going through the motions.

Number 4 wasn't immediate - I was bloody exhausted after an awful pregnancy - but once we got back from hospital it happened.

Of my older 3 it is poor dd2 with the depressed mum who is the most advanced, independent & happiest.