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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask you how long it took to really bond with your first child?

119 replies

PetiteRaleuse · 05/10/2011 08:34

I was watching a documentary on French TV last night - something like One Born Every Minute but French version. And a group of MW were going on about one mother who didn't seem excited about her baby. An I remembered that I wasn't when she arrived. It took me a couple of weeks to really bond with her.

I suspect that I am not alone. Even without PND I think bonding is not automatic and doesn't happen the second the baby arrives. So, my questions:

How long did it take to feel you bonded with your first child?

If you didn't bond immediately, did you admit it to anyone? (I admitted it to my mum and she was shocked!)

With any subsequent children was the bonding process any faster? (A French shrink said that bonding often was easier with second and third kids).

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 05/10/2011 10:13

It was immediate for me but I had a lovely birth experience with lots of drugs and an epidural. I know I was very lucky. I couldn't believe the intensity (passion?) of my feelings for DD.

happy2bhomely · 05/10/2011 10:13

My first I bonded with as soon as I felt him move. I knew there and then that I would die for him. When I had him it felt like meeting a long lost friend.

My second took a few hours. I was worn out and she wasn't what I expected. As the sun come up the next morning so did the love!

My third took a day but it was the longest day! I just kept looking at her and I knew what I should feel but I didn't. I even whispered in her ear that I was sorry that I didn't love her enough. I woke up the next day and sobbed as I kissed her all over. The love hit me like a tonne of bricks.

My forth was a strange experience. A home birth and he weighed over 11lbs. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I felt amazing. I was completely overwhelmed by my feelings and I remember saying to him " I know you!"

If I'm honest I would say that I've always felt closer to my sons.

BelleDameSansMerci · 05/10/2011 10:13

Hecate = Lovecat...

flybynight · 05/10/2011 10:14

My first was a bit early - 4 weeks - and very fast - about 2 hours. It took me some time to bond, some weeks if I'm honest, and I put it down to shock. I had been expecting a bit more of a buffer zone between being pregnant and being a mother! How naive.
My second was born 14 months later and it couldn't have been more different. I thought he had to be hidden from the other mothers in the hospital lest they rend their garments in envy at the beauty of my child. (With hindsight, he looked like a par-boiled Fraggle). The same story with DC3 and DC4.

You know what you are getting into with subsequent pregnancies. The first time is just overwhelming.

akaemmafrost · 05/10/2011 10:17

7 months. That sounds awful but afraid its true. I loved him don't get me wrong and the defence mechanism was definitely there, he was perfectly cared for etc but I think I had PND because I don't actually remember all that much of the first 7 months. But at 7 months I was looking at him lying on his changing mat and all of a sudden I felt that I might collapse from how much I loved him, like something had opened up inside me. Can't describe it really without sound cheesy, but it was such a landmark thing that I checked the calendar to see exactly how old he was and he was 7 months. My ex was a total arse when we first had ds and I think that didn't help.

With dd though, it was instant. Ex still was an arse but I was used to it by then and didn't expect anything.

TheTenantOfWildfellHall · 05/10/2011 10:18

1st child - about 4 months. I became a single parent and unexpectedly homeless overnight and ended up in a hostel - nice. I threw myself into caring for him but didn't really feel anything for him and my 'care' was purely perfunctory. Even though I BF. When he was about 16 weeks old I woke up one morning, looked at him and felt giddy with love. I just burst into tears and had an overwhelming sense of not having a clue what I'd do without him.

2nd child - stressful pregnancy, stressful birth, other stressful stuff. I would say it was a couple of years before she felt like part of the family. Until then she felt more like a visitor.

I BF both of mine for over 12 months and that made no difference to how I felt about them.

Sad really. But they were always exceptionally well cared for, but I do think the emotional side lapsed with DC2. Fortunately, DH fell in love with her at first sight.

mamasunshine · 05/10/2011 10:19

Ds1 was EMCS at 34 weeks, he was rushed into SCBU, I 1st got to hold him 3 days later for a bit of kangaroo care Smile the rush of love/bond came when I held him that 1st time. Before that point I was in shock/drugged up and in shear panic that he wouldn't survive. I didn't share how I was feeling with anyone as everyone else around me was ecstatic!

Ds2 homebirth, laid straight on my chest. Had that rush of love/instant bond.

Dd hospital birth and she was cleaned a little then put on me. All she did was scream for 30mins, she wouldn't feed at that time, but did before the 1st hour was up. It was a very quick labour, I was prob in shock again! I think the bond was gradual over the first few days rather than a rush.

dreamingbohemian · 05/10/2011 10:22

Petite thanks, I should keep an eye out for it!

This is a really interesting thread. I wish I had known this before having DS -- why isn't it talked about? Is it just societal expectations?

It would have been so much better for me if I could have told myself, Don't worry, it will happen -- instead of, Oh god, there's something wrong with me.

LeQueen · 05/10/2011 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeaMakesItBetter · 05/10/2011 10:36

What ginger said yes. Couple of days for me. Was all quite abstract, "oh, a baby, ummmmm...". But then on day 2 I felt it, in the middle of night and have tears in my eyes now just thinking about that bolt that hit me.

I was a surprise EMCS so yes probably the same as others was just in shock a bit at first.

pinkhebe · 05/10/2011 10:41

ds1, it must have come gradually, like over years! I don't remember the sudden rush. Was a horrendous birth though.

ds2 cried as he was halfway out, and I bonded then!

Wierd, obviously I loved them both and was protective etc, but I had no idea what to do with ds1, and he cried. a lot. for about a year!

LeQueen · 05/10/2011 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wigglesrock · 05/10/2011 10:50

LeQueen Grin I do that too, last night dd3 woke up at about 9pm, and I brought her downstairs, she has learnt to sit up in her cot and hold her arms up to be lifted (that's leaving her to self settle out the window now Grin), I was holding her downstairs while she slept and I was nuzzling away. I think its because with dd1 now being 6 going on 13 and dd2 now almost 4, I'm aware of how short a time they are really babies for.

Original poster
PetiteRaleuse · 05/10/2011 11:03

This is really interesting and am feeling all hormonal and teary just reading it. And I'm not pregnant I hope

OP posts:
TheTenantOfWildfellHall · 05/10/2011 11:06

When DD was a baby I used to suck her hair. Well not so much suck but put it between my lips and then draw it out. If that makes sense.

I was a bit Blush when I realised I was doing it, but then saw my FIL doing it with her one day.

ThePathanKhansWoman · 05/10/2011 11:34

Some of these posts really resonate.

I remember feeling very stressed after i'd had DD, and really overwhelmed by

the thought of being responsible for this little person.... forever.

I'd had a dream homebirth, when she was given to me, i started to feed her

and she had one eye open looking at me as much to sayso this is where i ended up

Her dad was being a cock at the time and i was all over the place (still feel really resentful towards him about that)

One day when she was about 6 weeks old i went into town to do xmas shopping, left her with my mother and milk.

I was much longer than i expected to be, and when i got back, both mother

and DD were crying, she hadn't stopped since i'd left.I picked her up and she

wrapped her fingers in my hair and stopped crying, I thought you really need me don't you?.

Everyone tells you about this explosion of passion your meant to feel for your child instantly, but for me, it was the love i felt from my child that was that amazed me.

Thats just grown, it amazes me how much she loves me, how trusting and forgiving she is.

MamaChocoholic · 05/10/2011 11:48

ds1 took a few months. we were separated after the birth, there was nicu etc, and I spent the first weeks crying, loving him, but didn't truly feel bonded and ok for months.

dt1 was instant. she cried as soon as she was born, I was able to see her right away, and I just fell head over heels.

dt2 we're still getting there, and he's 12 months now. like ds1 I didn't get to see him immediately he was born, and I think those minutes with me shouting "is he ok?" with no one answering allowed my stress hormones to increase to such a level that there was no bonding hormone left by the time I met him, if that makes sense. then months of colic/reflux/no sleep/guilt at ignoring dt1 when he needed me more have meant I still don't think we're bonded yet, but I do like him now as I get to know his cheeky character.

it's lovely and reassuring to read the stories from mums who bonded very slowly and know it can all come right in the end.

valiumredhead · 05/10/2011 11:50

Exactly 3 months - he was 8 weeks prem and had a horrendous pregnancy and birth and severe PND.

I was bathing him and he looked me straight in the eye and I had this overwhelming rush of love for him. Makes me teary thinking about it 10 years on :)

Pudden · 05/10/2011 11:55

took ages with dd as I was exhausted after being in and out of labour for 3 days with no sleep. I remember looking at her and feeling nothing.

With ds it was instant; I felt a huge rush of love, protectivness, happiness etc

posterofaquiche · 05/10/2011 12:04

Straight away. I had such a horrendous labour and I felt we had suffered together it made me feel much closer to her.

I thank god it didn't go the other way where I could have ended up blaming her for the trauma.

justcallmemummypig · 05/10/2011 12:07

i do wish this was talked about more, with my first it was def months, had traumatic birth and side effects that went on and on, no real help other than dh and def pnd. With no 2 it was more or less immeadiate.

muffinflop · 05/10/2011 12:08

DS (first born) instantly

DD honestly about 18 months Sad. I had really bad PND which I kept to myself and really didn't like her at all. I can't actually remember much of her babyhood which makes me sad

broomformychin · 05/10/2011 12:37

I'm not sure what bonded means exactly. My dd is 11 weeks now and I love her in a I'm terrified of something awful happening to her sort of way but I still struggle to associate my pregnant bump with the baby I have now and I sort of feel like someone has just handed me a baby as a project which I need to do really well at or I'll forever be thought of as a bad mother even though I don't really feel like a mum at all really.

Hardgoing · 05/10/2011 12:45

I can relate to that, broomformychin, it did pass with me anyway, but that feeling of being a bit of a fraud and like you are playing at being a mum can be very strong at first.

First child: about three months (same as everyone else, intense feelings of responsibility but not that bonded feeling)
Second child: about an hour after birth, initially was still vomiting and didn't want a cuddle, but first breastfeed and I was a goner. I was so wrapped up in her for about six months I simply didn't care about anything else, it was very similar to that early intense time when falling in love.

It did wear off though and now I feel the same level of adoration (but realism about who they are) for both.

ShoutyHamster · 05/10/2011 12:48

'Bonded' - surely that means something different for everyone? And everyone's responses, their display of that process of bonding, will also be completely different (and, shock horror - sometimes not at all 'visible' to your average passerby/nurse/midwife). Surely that's common sense? Surely to deem someone as not 'excited' by their baby when they're a complete stranger to you and you have no idea what kind of a person they are is totally nonsensical?

I have no idea when I 'bonded' in the official sense with my baby, or what the tickboxes are that would deem me bonded by the passing masses Grin. I do know that I was delighted with her from the start and felt enormously happy, and that over the next few weeks my feelings probably changed all the time, but I was too busy to analyse them. Hmm, maybe that means I was lucky enough to bond straightaway. But maybe the 'non-excited' mother felt exactly the same as me...

I do know that after a 40hr labour and EMCS, had anyone described my demeanour as 'excited', I would seriously have questioned their sanity, and if they had intimated that they expected me to look and sound 'excited', I would have made quiet enquiries as to getting them a section of the other variety Grin