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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A relative pinched my 14 month old baby on her face

532 replies

Snickers25 · 04/10/2011 22:20

My partners sister pinched our baby on the face, causing a bruise that lasted 10 days. I saw the aunt pinch my daughter just as I walked past the room. I assume my baby might have pinched her first (but that's no excuse as the aunt is 43 and my daughter is only 14 months old). My baby daughter screamed in pain and sobbed for several minutes afterwards. As soon as I saw it happen I scooped her up and removed her from the room but now I don't trust this woman with my kids. I have 3 Pre-schoolers and this aunt has moved in with us for 12-18 months!
I didn't say anything to the aunt at the time as I was too shocked and upset. I haven't mentioned it since & it was 2 months ago. I asked my partner to speak to the aunt (his sister) which he did & she seemed surprised about the deep blue bruise on baby's cheek. He apparently said that only we (parents) are to discipline the children.

My daughter also had a large cut on her top lip a few weeks before (obviously a fingernail cut from the aunt) which the aunt said was caused by baby's fingernail. She had only been with the aunt for an hour. It definitely wasn't from baby as it was too wide/thick to be from a baby's fingernail. I couldn't understand why she would lie about an accident. I wouldn't have been upset/angry about an accident! Why lie about it?

However, I don't trust her now & I sure as heck don't want my kids to have to live with her if something ever happened to me & my partner (that aunt is in our will as being guardian and I want that changed now).
Has anyone else had something similar happen? How did you handle it? Thanks for any advice.

OP posts:

kirriemummy · 05/10/2011 01:23

Its quite impressive that people can come to a considered conclusion on whether a child is being abused and what actions need to be taken based on 3 posts. I'm not a social worker but if I were I would probably save the ranting and the scaremongering until I had heard and seen the whole story. No offence OP, but I think that it is difficult to give you a definite to do list without all of the background and details. Having said that, here's my advice, for what its worth....

Try to keep calm - you are doing the right think by talking about it, you the best person to decide what is best for your child, and no one here can or is is going to involve the authorities.

Is there someone neutral who you can talk to who knows all of the parties involved, like a friend or other family member? They may be able to help you decide what to do, and also they could be with you if you do decide to speak to the pincher. Also, i think that there is a charity called Parentline that could give you some impartial advice.

I think that you have done the right thing by keeping the pincher and pinchee separate - but perhaps this may not be the best long term option as with 3? 4? other kids that will prove difficult and exhausting. I would possibly write down all of your options to get them straight in your head, i.e. get her out, change your will, and write down how you would go about carrying these out, read them through, and go with what you think is the best thing to do.

If I am absolutely honest, and I would probably find this an extremely scary thing to do myself, I would speak to the pincher about her actions, with a friend or family member present for support. thats the only way you can be sure that she knows what your views on this are, and the only way you can make sure she knows how unacceptable you think her actions are. Maybe that in itself would be enough for this to stop. If that doesn't work, or if she is not the sort of person who you can see yourself talking to like this, I think you have to start thinking about more permanent options.

Please remember that as a parent, your word is law with your babies. If you are unsure about someone's behavior towards them, then you are absolutely within your rights to make sure that stops - it doesnt matter whether how far they have come to see them, or whether it causes them embarrassment. You are in the right here, and it's important that you remember that. If I were you I would think about how you would feel about this, and how you reacted to it 10 years from now - regret over a family embarrassment is one thing, doing nothing for fear of overreacting when you thought someone hurt your baby is something else entirely.

You must feel very alone and worried for your babies at the moment, and I am so sorry about that. This is a crappy situation and it seems to me that there are no easy solutions. You did the right thing by asking for advice. Please do let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

PS parentline can be found here familylives.org.uk/

runningwilde · 05/10/2011 07:00

Op - not once have I heard you reply and say that you will tell her to go. Because of this, I feel you are being extremely negligent towards your children and you are not doing the best for them. All you say is thank you for the replies and you go on about how great you are but you don't actually address what needs to be done so shame on you.

runningwilde · 05/10/2011 07:03

I have to say - and I don't say this lightly - a lot of your replies don't quite ring true... You say in your initial opening that you have three preschoolers and then you say one has started school. Then you say your eldest never even went to preschool and like I said before, you won't ever directly say of you will tell her to go and I suspect, it this is really true, that you won't. You are negligent.

runningwilde · 05/10/2011 07:06

You say you will 'punch her lights out' if she does this again but won't tell her to leave for what she has already done?

You don't ring true and if you are for real you are not looking after yor children as you should be.

deemented · 05/10/2011 07:21

Whats that saying? 'Evil will flourish whilst good men do nothing' Or something like that.

OP you are as guilty as the aunt - you know she is hurting your children and yet you do nothing. By doing nothing you are giving her the green light and saying it's ok to hurt them.

A couple of months ago, a hafty pinch on the cheek - what next when she thinks you aren't looking? Maybe a slap or a burn or god forbid, somethiing even worse?

What will it take for you to finally protect your children?

FellatioNelson · 05/10/2011 07:24

So presumably either you or your husband witnessed the pinch in order to know that she 'held it' for several seconds and the bruise came up in 30 seconds. Why/how on earth did you stand by and watch that without going stark raving bonkers at her and packing her bags for her there and then?

And as for the 'nail scratch' acrylic nails are actually very thick and quite blunt (as anyone who has had them will tell you, it's blimmin' hard to pick up anything tiny using them) so probably unlikely to cause a laceration to skin, but more likely to cause a bruise or a lump if knocked hard against a baby's lip.

Anyway, that is all irrelevant. She sounds foul and you owe her nothing. Ask her to leave immediately if you cannot trust her around your child. I cannot believe we are even needing to have this conversation. At first I thought you were some meek and submissive chattel dowry bride who couldn't speak up for herself and was living with your husband's dominant extended family without any choice, but I see that is probably not the case. So I just don't understand. At all.

Original poster

Snickers25 · 05/10/2011 08:22

Runningwilde. Up until a matter of days ago I had 3 Pre-schoolers at home with me. A Pre- schooler is a child who DOES NOT go to school. When this happened I had 3 preschoolers (children who did not attend school nor preschool). My son is now 4 and started primary school in September. The 26th to be exact. Are you suggesting I am negligent not sending my children to pre-school now?

OP posts:

Flowerpotmummy · 05/10/2011 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FetchezLaVache · 05/10/2011 08:49

Snickers, the aunt must have noticed that since the day, 2 months ago, when you caught her pinching your baby's cheek so hard it left a bruise for 10 days, you haven't left her on her own with the kids. Has she never referred to this? And what exactly did she say to your DP when he had a word with her about it?

Snowboarder · 05/10/2011 09:03

Don't wait, chuck her out. I actually don't know if I could be responsible for my own actions if I saw someone do that to my baby.

HerHissyness · 05/10/2011 09:10

I spent 10 years in an abusive relationship. as a result my DS would have suffered. I could sit down and allow myself to be paralysed by the guilt, the shock and the sheer evil of the situation, but it would mean that I'd still be in it and still need to resolve it. It takes an event to open our eyes to the most aborrant behaviour sometimes.

I'm guessing that you have tried to go along with the undoubted minimalisation by both your SIL and your DP, it's so much easier to just not confront. Confrontation is scary no matter the situation, but you know in your heart of hearts that what has happened is way beyond cruelty. It is horrific.

Now you have woken up fully to what has happened in your home, to your baby, to your children, you now need to calmly reflect and work out what YOU want to happen.

Can you tell us what you want to happen in an ideal situation? remove all reactions/emotion from the situation, be calm, be still, hold your nerve. Decide what course of action needs to be the next logical step.

Once you are there, we can then support you in achieving that scenario.

HerHissyness · 05/10/2011 09:10

abhorrent...

wellwisher · 05/10/2011 09:11

You must ask her to go. What exactly does she do to "help" if she can't be left alone with the children?

QuintessentialDread · 05/10/2011 09:14

You are teaching your children lessons that will stay with them for life:

Mother will not protect them from hurt. (She will stand idly by)

Home is not a safe place to be. (There are scary strangers who hurt them and share this home with them)

Now it is only a malicious aunt.

What about the dangers that your children will encounter out in the real world. Another child being nasty in the park. Bullying in school.
Will you turn your back, look up at the pretty blue sky and whistle Frank Sinatra tunes?

toddlerama · 05/10/2011 09:17

If she went upstair to get the baby which is when you hypothesise that she cut the baby's lip, she was alone with your child again. Why are you claiming that would never happen? It would be entirely impossible to keep her apart from the children without directing her that she wasn't allowed to be alone with them. She will go and get them up from naps etc. and you can't chase her around whilst you have other kids there. You've got to tell her 1)to go or 2)that she can stay, but for the reasons given is not to be alone with the children. I would have thought option 1 would be easier actually. Don't kid yourself that you can just engineer her out of being alone with them - you've already admitted you can't or you would know how the baby's lip was cut.

slartybartfast · 05/10/2011 09:19

what an awful thread.

op i think you should step away and get some real advice.

not a load of hysterical women with nothing better to do.
some rational advice.

my sister cut my dc's face accidentally with a ring from her hand,

the pinch on the cheek, you have talked to your SIL about this.

if i were you i would not go on MN - this sort of scaremongering is horrendous.

follow your own instincts

pigletmania · 05/10/2011 09:27

Reading further the op, the pinch sounds a bit . But the fingernail cut most definitely sounds accidental, especially when you say that the aunt had long acrylic nails. If I had done that I would have told you straight away and apologised. Are there any other incidents or just the pinching

loopylou6 · 05/10/2011 09:32

Sooo, you stood peering round the door for several seconds watching this woman pinching your babies cheek? Righhht

pigletmania · 05/10/2011 09:32

If it were just the cut lip I would agree salty that most definitely soundsaccide tal, and I have done that to dd myself when picking her up and not cutting my nails. What explanation did she say about the pinching

freakendblue · 05/10/2011 09:33

slarty People are worried about the op's children. I suggest you get off your high horse as you appear to have nothing better to do if you are posting on mumsnet.

pigletmania · 05/10/2011 09:33

Meant slarty not salty, sorry

slartybartfast · 05/10/2011 09:36

admittedly not all advice is bad.

DriverDan · 05/10/2011 09:38

This is classic mumsnet. Everyone jumping on the hysterical bandwagan and scaring the shit out of the OP until she is chased off this site completely, complete with troll accusations and telling her she is a negligent child abuser.

If you suspect she is a troll, stop posting, you don't have to continue reading or posting. I would rather chance that they are not a troll and offer some advice instead.

From the original OP it sounds like your SIL pinched your baby because the baby pinched her. She has obviously used a lot of force to bruise the baby in this way. It sounds like she has very misguided views on child discipline and for that reason I wouldn't be letting her around my children unsupervised, which you are already doing. As this would be very stressful and time consuming to keep up for the time she is supposed to be living with you, I would be talking to my DH and then SIL to say that the living situation isn't working out and she will have to move out. And change your will.

Even if you talk to her about it you will not be able to trust that she won't try to discipline your children in this way; pinching for pinching, biting for biting or kicking for kicking.

Migsy1 · 05/10/2011 09:38

She must leave. I know it is hard because she is your partner's sister but she is harming your children. Surely your partner does not want his children to be harmed. Please remove her from your children. Her behaviour is not normal, in fact, it is criminal. Your children are at risk and you must not leave them unsupervised with her again.

freakendblue · 05/10/2011 09:41

Who number 1) pinches a baby (or a child) or pinches them 2)holds the pich for 30 seconds? Not misguided, just bloody cruel.

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