to wonder how many people on here use physical discipline ..

[havinhoops1974]

compared to past generations??

I was thinking you hear so may of the older generation talking openly about using physical discipline on their kids compared to now where I almost hear people whispering it, but at the same time giving the old 'it doesnt do them any harm'

personallyn I dont advocate it , should always be a last resort, however I wont cricify someone who has slapped wrists etc at their wits end.

What are the views of MN???

I do punish. I can be very strict. I never smack.

There are all sorts of parenting styles that don't involve smacking.

I don't agree that parenting is about dominance either - and I see discipline (same root as disciples) as being about learning.

But I do want to point out that physical dominance and coercion is not limited to smacking, and indeed is at the heart of many 'acceptable" enforcement tactics.

WhereTheWildThingsWere I am truely facinated by the fact that you never punish, I've been reading a lot of stuff online recently about books such as unconditional parenting, and am very interested in that style of parenting

How do you reprimand them/stop them from misbehaving without punishment?

Mrs Moo, have you looked into Alfie Kohn? Loads of threads on AK , on MN, over the years.

I tapped my child on the wrist one with one finger , sharp warning but doesnt harm. he'd hit me in the eye with the corner of a hard back book following a paddy, still felt awful

I bet some parents would have given a good hiding for that, even at 2 yrs

My parents smacked me- often. I will never forgive them for it, it totally spoilt my relationship with them from a small child. I knew if someone loved you they wouldn't hit you. They thought it was the right thing to do, everyone else did it. I feel physically sick when I see a child being smacked . On the surface I have a fine relationship with my Mum but I don't feel anything like love for her.
For every child who doesn't care if their parents hit them, there will be one who does. Maybe those parents who think smacking is fine should think about that- is it worth taking the risk that your child will hate you for what you have done.

I am trying to remember when/if I saw another child being smacked. I don't think I would be repulsed by it. Mind you, I don't know what it feels like, becasue I was never smacked.

I'm interested in the "no punishment thing" too. I don't much, either, but when I do, I always try to make punishments "consequences". "You did this, so we now can't do this"

I don't do punishment either.

I did one once, agreed between me and the dc, but then I forgot it anyway.

I have smacked my dd once about 3 months ago she is 8. We have a new puppy and she kept behaving inappropriately with it, I say inappropriately because it wasn't violent behaviour just a bit mean and thoughtless for another living animal and I was very upset with her. She had a hamster a few years earlier and did some stupid things with him that she knew were wrong i.e. spinning it round and round in it's ball and once even kicked the ball across the kitchen with the hamster in it . I had spoken to her at length about behaviour to the puppy and what she should and shouldn't do both for the puppy's sake and also for hers - didn't want the puppy to get annoyed and do something like bite. Every day I seemed to be yelling at her to stop doing that to the puppy. I threatened to send the puppy back, gave her warnings etc and she wasn't taking any notice so one day I saw her doing something mean and thoughless so I smacked her on her bottom. Yes she was so shocked and very upset as was I and I can't justify it at all because I abhor hitting and have never hit her in the past and I really don't think I will in the future. What I will say is that something improved from that moment on, we sat down and had a good long chat about what was right and what was wrong, I apologised for hitting her. The relationship between her and the puppy is adorable and she is loving and sweet with it now and it means I can relax without constantly monitoring what she might/might not be doing.

It wasn't right but the action caused us both to realise the seriousness of the situation and take positive action moving forward.

From the age of 2 a child can be put on the step for 2 minutes and understand what there put there for, under that age they can be distracted away from a naughty thing that they are doing. These are the things that I do with my ds's, I have smacked DS1 (9yrs) probably around 10 times, but mainly when he needs shocking out of his behaviour i.e. being extensively violent to family members, adult friends, me and ds2. Ds2 (3yrs) has been smacked 4 times when he's been copying ds1s behaviour, again to shock, not to inflict pain.

I smacked DD a couple of times when I was in the depths of depression. She was probably about two. She used to have terrible tantrums. Which were probably caused by my depression and twice I flipped when she had been screaming for hours. Nine years on and I still hate myself for doing it. I have never smacked DS1 or DS2.

I was smacked quite a lot by my Dad, he was and still can be an irrationally angry man. It didn't harm me as such but it did make me very scared of him, and when I was a teenager it completely destroyed our relationship.
I was only ever smacked once by my Mum and she cried immeadiately and begged for forgiveness for days.

I do use removal, but I don't really think it's a punishment. DS2 is just crawling and when if heads for something dangerous I pick him up and move him away. Sometimes he is cross so maybe it is a punishment.
I have also tapped DD and DS when I have come across one or the other being particularly horrid to the other but a only tap as you would use to get someones attention not hard at all.
I have also asked DD or DS1 when they have hit or hurt the other if they would like me to do that to them but I wouldn't do it and thankfully they never say yes. It's more to discuss why they shouldn't do it.

Am also interested in how people use no punishment effectively, I don't see how you can teach consequences and boundaries. The only people I know who don't punish have children that are pretty horrible to be around.

I say 'I don't punish' but that's because I don't see consequences as punishments.

If you get every toy in the house out of the cupboards, then it is going to take you a while to put them back in. That is not a punishment, IMO, but a consequence of your behaviour.

If you throw your drink on the floor, then you will have to clean the floor. The child doesn't like doing it, but again, a natural consequence.

If you hit another child, then you will have to play on your own for a while, then apologise and make up again. This might be an 'invented' or artificial consequence, but I still don't see it as punishment.

Thats just normal parenting IMO, and I would imagine your DC would see it as a punishment.
The people I know who don't punish form two types;
they think their DC is so marvellous they can do no wrong, and choose to ignore or explain away blatent bad behaviour,
they constantly threaten sometimes terrible punishments but do nothing or give in to their DC demands.
In both cases the DC and sometimes the parents are unpleasant and draining to spend time with.

I am really interested in how not to punish without being one of the above.

good luck finding one of them on here

I have never incorperated the naughty step with my 2 year old it just wouldn't work would spend all the time climbing :/ the stairs

I find it bizzare that being calm and not angry is seen as some kind of defence for smacking. There is something so cold and calculating about calmly administering pain to a child. I think its much easier for a child to understand a smack thats delivered because the child has done something time and again, after being told not to, and made their parent cross enough to give a swift smack.
If everyone smacking is so calm, surely they are in the best position to use other techniques?
I speak as someone who was smacked...it never did me any harm, but it wasnt effective, and im quite emotionally resilient, so never experienced the confusion and insecurity it causes in lots of children. I wont smack my child.

Also, and i am not singling anyone out here...a few people say they give a 'gentle tap' on the hand with one or two fingers, rather than a smack.
Seriously? If i did that to my 8month old, she wouldnt even flinch. For the tap to be effective it would need to hurt enough to cause the child to at least be shocked enough to stop what they are doing.

not neccesarily winky I think it has to reinforced with a firm no, or that was naughty etc

its a way of getting the child's attention with a firm no to reinforce it.

I have smacked DD (6) on occasion (not hard) but don't make a habit of it & never had to smack DS (3) as his behaviour is unbelievably good.

I do sometimes see friends of DD's playing up and think they need a damn good smack on the bum....