to send my sister this text message?

[Mobly]

I take my nephew to school each morning as my sister works at a school and obviously is unable to. It's no problem to me as I'm dropping of DS1 at the pre-school anyway. We leave the house just after 8am.

The original agreement was that she drop DN off at 8am at mine. However it's been getting gradually earlier and earlier. Today she dropped him off at 7.45am.

I know it sounds like no big deal but in reality it creates extra stress in the mornings that I just don't need. I have DS2 23mths, to get ready too. DN and DS1 argue. I have a third child to get out the door, inevitably he will have taken his coat off and flung it, put his bag and lunch box down, so I;m trying to remember extra things etc. Also, if DS1 is late eating his breakfast, if DN arrives, he won't eat it at all- he gets distracted by the excitement.

So, although it sounds petty, I would just prefer it if my sis would drop DN off at 8am so we are all ready to go as they arrive.

I did mention it to her this morning and she looked at bit peed off. AIBU to have texted her this: 'They are arguing already! Please leave it till 8 so I have time to get boys ready first. It's less stress that way'.

I hope not.

15 mins multiplied by 5 days a week, 40 school weeks a year - etc etc.
She has no right to have you do the school run at all, so she has to accept the favour as it's offered (8am) or nothing.
What happens if YOU decided to get a job one day?

As someone who has always worked, used childcare, used a friend to do drop off's and have also picked up / dropped off for friends I say:

You are NOT being unreasonable and if she can't stick to the rules then she needs to pay breakfast club, who will ignore the doorbell until 8am. She should be treating you coffee and cake regularly and thanking you. It is NOT her god given right that you look after HER child for her.

Jeez! Some people!

Of course YANBU, it must be an absolute pita. I am a teacher and i have to get to work for 8am which means when my DP can't take her I have to drop my dd off at my friends at 7.30 (once a week only). I am well aware that this is horribly early so continually check with her that it is convenient, have offered to pay but she always says no so instead I frequently come with wine, chocs etc.

It is VERY hard to find a breakfast club that opens earlier than 8 so I do sympathise with your sister but she has no right to expect you to do it for her. You already have enough on your plate.

seeker - I rather love you . You have such a laid-back attitude to people coming round your house at all hours without any warning, straight in the back door with an "only me! I'll put the kettle on, shall I?" attitude - it's lovely that there are people like you out there. But there aren't that many (IME) - most people do have less relaxed boundaries than you.

I've just read her reply. What a rude, entitled woman!

Thank you,thumbwitch! I'm not quite that laid back- and I would have been q bit pissd off at the reply the op got. But I would also have beennpissed off if I had been the sister getting the op's original message, to be honest.

And I cannot imagine circumstances where, if I had agreed to help my sister out by taking m nephew to school- no particular hardship if I was going there anyway, that I would mind in the slightest if he was dropped off a bit early.

Oh, andi wouldn't be thinking, as somebody on here was, about what was in it for me!

If your sis was able to get her bf to drop him off at 8am when she had to go earlier then is there any reason why this can't continue normally? Then everybody would be happy, you would get dn at the right time not to cause a disruption and your sis could leave when she needed to.

Am assuming that bf = boyfriend and therefore dn's dad or stepdad. If your sis complains that it's not possible because dn causes too much disruption to bf then you can point out exactly and how much worse the disruption is when there are two small excitable children in the mix.

Obviously if bf is best friend and doing a favour then it's not quite as clear cut!

One thing I've found useful with 2 small kids (1 school, 1 nursery) is to have one of those big supermarket reusable bags for each child. Everything that needs to go to school or nursery goes in the bag so when I come to go in the morning I just have one bag to pick up for each of them. If they take something out of the bag in the morning then it doesn't go. They are used to having their own bags and know this - and will even stick extra stuff they want to take.

Could you set up a system like this for you dn - when he arrives everything goes in 'the bag' and if it gets taken out then you are not going to check it again and s/he will have to suffer the consequences. Get your sis to impress upon him too how important this is and that auntie mobly doesn't have time in the morning to chase around doing extra checking. She needs to prime her child about how important it is to try to reduce any extra chaos in the mornings, especially if it's going to be a long term arrangement.

It's got to the point with us that we use 'the bag' when going out anywhere (be it holiday or nip to the shops) and it works really well, plus the kids realise A bit more about getting and staying organised!

Well, we had the 'chat'- although I was stupid and didn't take your good advice so it all went a bit tits up really.

I put it off the wknd because she had got her BF (neither DNs dad or stepdad just live in boyfriend) to drop off DN every day except 1 where she did come at 8.

Yesterday she asked if she could come round for a cuppa at 7.40- kids were ready that morning so I said yes, thinking we might have the chat, but we didn't.

She turned up at 7.45 again this morning, but boys weren't ready. I said 'Sis, it's quarter to 8, the boys aren't ready yet, I said 8' I think when I'm uncomfortable and feel like I'm being horrible, I'm more blunt than I intend but I said it in a nice way I hope. Sis's face was like thunder and we basically ended up having a 5 minute heated discussion. Not good.

Sis saying she feels like a burden, I said not to be silly, she isn't a burden, I am happy to take DN to school but not to have him during morning while I'm getting my kids ready. Etc etc. To be honest, I can't remember exactly what was said but I know I stuck to my guns, it really didn't go down well.

She also complained about me texting her last week about being stressed (the text I told you about at beginning of thread). She said she is stressed enough already and I shouldn't text her about being stressed. Also she pointed out that I complain when my DCs dad texts me moaning about our DCs when he has them (very very rarely). I said that was irrelevant as he is their dad, I am not DNs mum. It all got a bit stupid really.

I am left feeling like I am not allowed to say no to babysitting of a morning without being sulked at by my 31yr old sister. It doesn't feel like I'm doing anyone a favour, but it feels like I'm being a wanker for not having him.

Sis left after 8 yesterday for work from mine- I said this to her and she said 'yes, but that only leaves me with 10 minutes to spare when I get to work'! So she does get there on time and 8am is not causing her any problems is it?

Seeker, I get what you are saying I really do, but the fact is I don't want to babysit anyone's child during school mornings, it does create stress, and stress I don't need, I have to think of the atmosphere in my own house too.

I would happily have DN any other time, and do, I don't think I have ever said no to be honest. But as a single mum, and a bit of a stress head anyway, I just can't do this- I have my sanity to think of too.

Thank you so much for all the supportive comments- it means a great deal.

Zipzap, good idea, I'll leave that to them to sort out between them. He is self employed so I know his hrs vary alot.

Tell her she isn't a burden if she drops off at 8 but she would be any earlier. Tell her that you realise it may seem unreasonable to her but that you would build up resentment over time and it would sour things between you. It's better to be honest now.

Mobly, what about your work, do you get to work on time, or does this make you late?

I'm a full time stay at home mum at the moment. But when I do work then there won't be anyone to help out with my children I shouldn't imagine.

Circumstances have always been the way that I've never had much help- but I know very well from seeing threads on here that one oughtn't to complain about that. We are not entitled to free babysitters. If anyone ever has mine for me I'm eternally bloody grateful.

I think you get less offers when you have more than one. Sis was very lucky in that when DN was a baby up to about 3yrs my mum worked shifts so she helped out alot. Sis went to my mums for tea almost every night I am not joking. Mum used to have DN overnight of a Saturday frequently and then take DN to Sunday school with her on Sunday so often DN wouldn't have him back until late afternoon.

When I had mine, mum worked full time office hrs (just dropped a day), really stressful job, and her then and current boyfriend doesn't like the company of children so I have always managed alot more without breaks.

My sister could have helped me but she was always too busy and this is when she had DN in school and no employment.

Don't get me wrong, sis has had my boys, even overnight once for me, but it is occasional and she makes it known that it's a pita (which it is!) and I am grateful.

I think she is lacking empathy at the moment.

I'll be back on here later when boys in bed.

I hope you manage to sort things out it would be a shame to fall out over it. I wish one of my sisters lived 10 doors away!
Yanbu

You were bring unreasonable to text. Also she mat find she has to be in school earlier then she thought to sort out stuff in the classroom and go to staff meetings. DD1 is a teacher and she is usually at school by 8am at the latest.

I think she's a selfish caah, to be more honest and blunt than you're being, Mobly!
Taking the piss rather. Glad you had the chat, sorry she ahd the reaction she did but that's what happens with selfish people - they only EVER see it from their POV, not anyone else's.

In the end, she has a choice - either put up with you insisting DN only comes at 8, and she gets him taken to school and all the rest of it free of charge; or take him earlier to breakfast club and pay for it (although as someone else said they don't open until 8 anyway so what difference does it make?). Or, she can just take him herself and be without her extra 10mins before school.

You are still doing her a favour and she needs to realise this - you owe her nothing.

Drop your kids off at hers at 7:15 one morning, so she can see if she can get them all out the door in time.

You are doing her a favour. She is taking that for granted and whinging that you're not doing more. DON"T FEEL BAD!

Say to her: "Dropping at 8 is great and no problem. Dropping any earlier than that IS a burden"

The best thing for your relationship is if she finds another way of getting her son to school on time.

She really needs to leave earlier and you can't have him earlier.

Well she text me this morning saying her BF was taking DN. I have to say school run alot easier this morning.

We wouldn't fall out, it would more likely be sis sulks for a few days and then we go back to normal without talking about it.

But I just know she thinks badly of me, and while that makes me feel sad and annoyed, another part of me knows she is acting selfishly lately and she isn't used to not getting everything her own way.

The more I think about it, the more I see that mostly our relationship has been one way in terms of who is doing all the favours.

Last yr my car was off the road for 6 weeks, which is when I started walking to school, she or her BF used to drive past me sometimes (and even pap the horn!) and I think only once in all that time did they offer me a lift or to take DS1. I never asked though, as I would prefer to be offered (just me), it didn't bother me, but I did notice. After walking for 6 weeks then, I always walk now as it I enjoy it so it was a positive thing really.

You are actually doing your sister & the rest of us a favour. So far she has only seen the situation from her point of view & she's quite willing to carry on like that.

Although she will probably have a whinge about you, at some level she will have learnt that other people matter too & she can't have everything her own way. It will probably improve your relationship in the long run as she now knows that you will stand up for yourself & she has to respect that.

"But I just know she thinks badly of me" - well then, she's an entitled little madam.

And to paraphrase from Back to the Future III - She's an arse. Why would you care what an arse thinks of you?

I'd tell her she's offended you, so you won't be taking DN at all until she apologises for taking the piss. A few weeks of having to sort something else out and/or finding the price of childminders might get her to realise what she's getting for free from you.

Your sister is an entitled arsebiscuit who seems to think you are her staff.

That's your problem. Don't be afraid to ask for help sometimes. If you need a ride, ask for one. That's what siblings are for. If they can't help, they will tell you so.

Its great to be go it alone but don't be a martyr either.

YANBU. As a mother of 4 dc under 6 I know how precious time is in the morning no matter how organised you are. If the time arranged was for 8am, then thats the time that should be upheld, sister or not.

yanbu

8 means 8 not 7.45 and if she cant/wont adhere to it then be firm and say no or just dont open the door

maybe bf can take every day and save you the hassle?