to send my sister this text message?

[Mobly]

I take my nephew to school each morning as my sister works at a school and obviously is unable to. It's no problem to me as I'm dropping of DS1 at the pre-school anyway. We leave the house just after 8am.

The original agreement was that she drop DN off at 8am at mine. However it's been getting gradually earlier and earlier. Today she dropped him off at 7.45am.

I know it sounds like no big deal but in reality it creates extra stress in the mornings that I just don't need. I have DS2 23mths, to get ready too. DN and DS1 argue. I have a third child to get out the door, inevitably he will have taken his coat off and flung it, put his bag and lunch box down, so I;m trying to remember extra things etc. Also, if DS1 is late eating his breakfast, if DN arrives, he won't eat it at all- he gets distracted by the excitement.

So, although it sounds petty, I would just prefer it if my sis would drop DN off at 8am so we are all ready to go as they arrive.

I did mention it to her this morning and she looked at bit peed off. AIBU to have texted her this: 'They are arguing already! Please leave it till 8 so I have time to get boys ready first. It's less stress that way'.

I hope not.

Yes I was going to add that my 4 year old doesn't run off and neither did he a year ago when his big brother was in reception. I let them run to a defined point in the distance and they know to wait for me there. Is this worth a try?

Hope your sister was more reasonable on the phone. If not then she, quite frankly, deserves to be told her piss taking is not on and given a slap

your dsis needs to recognise what a big favour you are doing her, I am a single mum to three(7,6 and 3) and the mornings are absolutely manic, I definately could not have an extra child turn up while Im in the middle of trying to get them all sorted. It is hard work

I hope she sees your point of view.

Talk again. Txts can lead to more issues.
YANBU to ask her for 8 as originally agreed. Just explain calmly that it stresses you out.

You have all really made me feel like my point is valid and not just pettiness so thank you for that.

I chickened out of the conversation tonight. Boys asleep just before 8 and I'm just too tired for it.

I really don't like confrontation, hence the text (but also she had left and I just wanted to make my point clearer but not cause bad feeling). On the other hand, I know not to keep my mouth shut to the point where things fester.

I have just sent a text (I know, I know) saying 'I will talk to you about it at the wknd'. So I will have the conversation. And I agree it's better to talk.

Some of the more blunt suggestions just wouldn't work. Sis would go off in a huff and probably organise breakfast club then I would look like the bad guy refusing to take DN to school.

Re: DN's behaviour, it's not his behaviour that's the problem, it's just the dynamic changes. I wouldn't & couldn't place the blame on anyone in particular, it's just kids isn't it? Plus I find it hard to discipline children that aren't mine.

I imagine you would look like the bad guy to her, but she seems really stressed out to the point of being unable to see others' points of view. To me, as someone who gets three children ready for the school run and has unsuccessfully tried throwing another into the mix, I understand the dynamic changing influence of another child, even though it's seemingly for a short time. And I imagine most people would do. So don't be afraid of others reactions. You are being a lovely sister who also feels an obligation to look after her own children too.

Surely you're going to see her Tues-Fri when she drops off your DN? Won't it come up before the weekend? Especially if your DSis drops him off early again...

I can't see how going to pick up your dn would help at all. It would add to your stress to be up and out by 7.55 - and if you were 1 min late - all hell would break loose!
You've now broached the subject with her - she has a while to simmer down and think it through - then you can both discuss it rationally.
But tbh - surely she can instill some kind of consequence in her ds - he's 6 fgs. Can she not reward/punish him to get him to behave - and tell him that if he misbehaves - he will have to go to breakfast club.

Good luck in sorting this out. Family favours do tend to come with expectations and strings unfortunately. YADNBU though and keep that in mind!

What time did she turn up this morning, mobly?

Thank you Sleepglorioussleep :)

Well this morning went great- although I'm sure of my sister's take on it as she sent DN with her BF and he was dropped off at 8am.

I had a stern chat with boys and reiterated the rules- no running off, stay by buggy, doing as told etc, I also bribed DN with the iphone, so basically if he was really good all the way there and while waiting for DS1 to go in he could have the iphone to play on while we were waiting for him to go in. It worked!

We wouldn't have time to chat in the morning, she literally drops DN off and runs.

Do I still need to have the chat at all now? (the dread!).

yes, you still need to talk to her. Call her tonight. Tell her you can't do before 8am drop offs at yours, and if that's not going to work for her, she needs to find another solution.

If she has a go at you, say "I'm not going to be spoken to like that when I'm doing you a favour." and hang up.

You need to speak to her again, yes otherwise the time will just start creeping back earlier and earlier again. You need to explain to her exactly WHY it is such a PITA to have him there earlier than 8am, and do be careful that this doesn't turn into some kind of grudge favour.

Focus on the behaviour/ excitement levels of ALL the DC in the morning, so it doesn't sound as though it's all about your DN (which it isn't but she may take it that way). You have 2 children to deal with, her DS being added in increases the chaos factor by 50% - that's a big deal with very little time to play with!

Or you could just email her a link to this thread.
She may then see how entitled she is acting.

no, I don't think it's a good idea to let her know that you have started this thread, tbh - it will End Very Badly.

it's not his behaviour that's the problem, it's just the dynamic changes. I wouldn't & couldn't place the blame on anyone in particular, it's just kids isn't it?

Yeah I completely get it.

How about you drop your kids over there this weekend while you take yourself out for a while. Preferably while your sisters P is out. So she can experience exactly what it us like with the three if them together. Ask her to take kids to the park . Then ask her to factor in deadline if school start and x 5, and maybe she will have a little more understanding that what you are asking is reasonable.

I'm glad things went better on the Tuesday.

Hope the talk goes well this weekend. I do still think you need to have it, perhaps prepare what you want to say in advance, just something brief you can keep repeating that will counter whatever reasons she may give you for needing to drop her son off earlier.

Work out what her reasons might be and think of something to say that will counter them all. Just go for one sentence, perhaps "I appreciate that bringing DN earlier means you have more time, but it means I have less and it's too disruptive for all of us."

That would work for most of the arguments she might put forward, from it "only" being ten or fifteen minutes earlier to her having a lot of work to do when she arrives to the traffic on the way to work and the parking situation once she arrives.

So if she says: "But it's only ten minutes and it makes such a difference to me/my day."

You say: "I appreciate that bringing DH early means you have more time, but those ten minutes also make such a difference to us and they delay me in getting my sons ready to leave."

"But I have to leave at that time because of the traffic. Leaving later means traffic jams and it's difficult to park so I'm late."

"I appreciate that but as I said, those ten minutes also mean the difference between us being organised and ready or us running late and forgetting things and it's just too stressful for me."

"But I have such a lot of work to do when I arrive, I need to get there early."

"I appreciate that, but I have a lot to do myself in the morning and I need that time to get my sons ready. I'm more than happy to take DN with us but we have to stick to the time we agreed."

All those arguments are are reasons why her time is more important than yours and so all you have to do is to keep reminding her that it is not. You have an agreement that she has broken to suit herself and although you sympathise with it you can't do any more to help her out than you are already doing.

FWIW, I'm not totally unsympathetic to her. If I left for work just five minutes late for whatever reason it didn't just mean I arrived five minutes late too. It would add an extra 20 minutes to my time in the car because the traffic had picked up by then, it meant finding a parking space in a busy car park rather than having my pick of it while it was almost empty and it meant arriving at work just on time with no chance to make a coffee, check my emails and messages or plan my work for the day before our daily meeting started at 8:30am.

But I think (and this may be the first time I've said this MN phrase) she sounds as though she feels she is more entitled to those extra minutes than you are and has given no thought to how disruptive it might be for you, your boys and her own son.

Not DH, DN.

YANBU at all, tell her that is she brings her child early then you wont help

That is a really good suggestion that HipHopOpotomus has made.

Thanks again for further comments/suggestions.

HipHopOttumus- that's a great suggestion but unlikely to happen. Sis is always very busy, and stressed etc. In fairness to her she has started asking/offering to have DS1 over to play on the odd occassion recently (twice to be precise). I think this is her way of trying to repay the favour- this is lovely but I have DS2 also so I don't actually get a break really. It's nice for DS1 and DN though so I do let him go. It means DS2 gets some one on one attention from me also.

It's nice to have so much understanding on here. School run was a bit of a nightmare this morning again, I was telling my mum about it on the phone, we were laughing about it really, but I can tell my mum too thinks it's no extra work having 3 instead of 2.

On paper, it doesn't sound anything extra but it feels it to me and I'm so glad you all understand.

I am going to have the chat tomorrow or Sunday. I will take your advice on board Takethisonehereforastart. Why does it still feel like I am being mean?

"Why does it still feel like I am being mean?"
Because she is guilt-tripping you. NOT because you are being mean (you are most definitely not, you are doing her a very big favour!)

" Sis is always very busy"
So are you! Why are you both behaving as if her time is more valuable than yours? It just isn't.

Her reply was way out of line. Op, you sound like a very considerate sister, she needs to take a leaf out of your book. Hold your ground, it'll be tough but will all be ok in the long term.

She's your sister. It's 15 minutes! You are being unreasonable.