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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to send my sister this text message?

125 replies

Mobly · 03/10/2011 10:57

I take my nephew to school each morning as my sister works at a school and obviously is unable to. It's no problem to me as I'm dropping of DS1 at the pre-school anyway. We leave the house just after 8am.

The original agreement was that she drop DN off at 8am at mine. However it's been getting gradually earlier and earlier. Today she dropped him off at 7.45am.

I know it sounds like no big deal but in reality it creates extra stress in the mornings that I just don't need. I have DS2 23mths, to get ready too. DN and DS1 argue. I have a third child to get out the door, inevitably he will have taken his coat off and flung it, put his bag and lunch box down, so I;m trying to remember extra things etc. Also, if DS1 is late eating his breakfast, if DN arrives, he won't eat it at all- he gets distracted by the excitement.

So, although it sounds petty, I would just prefer it if my sis would drop DN off at 8am so we are all ready to go as they arrive.

I did mention it to her this morning and she looked at bit peed off. AIBU to have texted her this: 'They are arguing already! Please leave it till 8 so I have time to get boys ready first. It's less stress that way'.

I hope not.

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 03/10/2011 16:26

Cause school starts at 0830 on the whole and they have to be prepared??

However, OP YADNBU.

mynewpassion · 03/10/2011 16:37

I think you are in the right but you went about it the wrong way. You really should've waited to call her tonight instead of sending the text.

I hope you don't send another text and wait until later to discuss it further or it will just create more distance, anger, and hurtfulness on both sides.

clam · 03/10/2011 16:39

Are you serious, tracyk? Why does a teacher have to be in school way ahead of her class? I refer you to my previous post - I get there for 7.45am. By 8 o'clock the carpark is full. There is stacks to do at the start of the day.

Anway, we haven't yet established that the sister is a teacher. We were told "she works in a school," which may be a quite different thing.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 03/10/2011 16:45

I would assume that if she were a teacher who needed to be in earlier then she wouldn't have made an arrangement to drop her dc off at 8am every morning.

YellowDave · 03/10/2011 16:57

I'm also with the tracy about why does she have to be there early. I totally get that she has prep to do. She can do it the night before, on her own time, rather than taking the piss out of her sister.

If this is not possible she either ASKS her sister if she can drop off earlier or pays for childcare that suits her

YellowDave · 03/10/2011 17:03

Anyway regardless of whether this is possible for her sister it is not the op's problem is it? And while she might be willing to adjust her routine to accommodate this if ASKED it shouldn't be presumed. It certainly shouldn't result in a stroppy entitled text message when called on this. (Although I totally agree that texting was the wrong way to dela with this).

Her response would have pissed me right off to be honest and if she continues to behave like this when you talk about it in person I think I'd give her a month to find alternative childcare before this leads to you falling out

Original poster
Mobly · 03/10/2011 17:09

I will phone her tonight after boys in bed to discuss it. If it's earlier than 8 then I'm letting myself in for alot of added stress over the next couple of years (at least) during school mornings.

I don't actually know the start time, I just know that it started off at 8am and now it's quarter to. Taking 2 boys to school (plus DS2 in buggy) is one thing, actually having 3 boys in the house every morning for 15/20 mins in another. And I realise it sounds pathetic and petty but I know my stress levels and I find it really stressful.

It wouldn't make all that much difference getting ready earlier- I would still have the bickering and getting them out the house to contend with.

I will be back on later after the phone call.

Thanks so much for all advice.

OP posts:
CustardCake · 03/10/2011 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jackstini · 03/10/2011 17:20

YANBU for getting stressed but texting not a great way to go about sorting it.
When will you see her again - tomorrow morning?

Also depends on the kind of relationship you have with her. Personally I would happily get up 15 mins earlier for my dsis IF she asked nicely and explained. However, I say that as I know that she would repay me the favour e.g. by babysitting my dc in return when she could.

RedHelenB · 03/10/2011 17:47

How old are the children? I think if you don't work & she's a a single parent it would be nice as her sister to be accommodating, but if you really can't then you need to make it plain to her. What about inset days, will you have dn then? Maybe she could return the favour during the school holidays sio you can have some time to yourself?

thehat · 03/10/2011 17:50

When she arrives early, could you ask her to stay and help you until 8am? Could be handy to have an extra pair of hands for 15 mins.

TracyK · 03/10/2011 17:51

Must just be our school then. If I happen to drop ds off at 8.45 - the car park is virtually empty. School doesn't start till 9am.
If I worked in an office and started at 9am - why would I need to be at work at 8.20am if I lived 3 miles away???
Glad I'm not a teacher.

snailoon · 03/10/2011 17:53

I agree with PedigreeChump. This would solve everyone's problems.

Original poster
Mobly · 03/10/2011 18:22

Snailoon, I too think Pedigreechump's idea is a good one in theory. DN is 6, it's not that easy to get kids to behave is it? It would feel dictatorial to insist he sits there, coat on, not letting go of his bag and lunch box and not all that likely to happen that way in reality.

They're not actually badly behaved anyway, it's just the bickering, DN is quite scatty, he never remembers his coat and school things without being reminded (pretty normal I should imagine?), and even though I tell him not to run off, explain dangers etc, every time we step out the door, he pelts off down the path to the pavement while I'm locking the door, and then my 3yr old copies. I am like a broken record all the way to school. Fine. I agreed to that bit, but the extra 15/20 mins in the house too? With me saying, 'Boys, please share, right DS has 2 mins then DN has 2 mins' etc etc, it's just stressful. My DCs are at the age (3.9yrs and 23mths) where things are difficult but they don't verbally bicker yet. They are pretty calm in the mornings now when it's just us (it has took a while to get to this point, as before DS1 had settled in pre-school, everything was a battle in the morning).

DN, being an older cousin, is hero worshipped by DS1, hence the excitement, the copying, and then all routine goes out the window.

If my Sis can still make work by setting out at 8am (which I assume she did before) then I would rather opt for 8am drop off. If she has no choice then fair enough.

I'm the single mum, not my sister. Not that that makes any difference.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/10/2011 18:28

I was wondering if it would be easier for you to walk up the road to your sisters to collect DN at 8am...

Ok you will have to get ready slightly earlier but it stops the whole him coming to your house and gettings your ridiculously over excited.

clam · 03/10/2011 19:02

I suppose too that if you're going there, you''re in control of the timings. So she can't leave for work until you arrive.

I fully "get" what you say about the extra child in the house. I have two DCs and when they were younger everything used to go crazy once DN (slap bang inbetween my two in age) arrived at the house. It wasn't his fault per se, just that they'd all hype up by virtue of the fact there were 3 of them. If I'm honest, it's still similar nowadays, and they're 13, 14 and 15!!

Sleepglorioussleep · 03/10/2011 19:06

Good grief! Op is helping her sister out by walking her son 25 mins to school each day thus saving her the hassle and expense of finding childcare. Why are there so many suggestions of what op should be doing to accommodate her sister's needs? She is being more than helpful and I think it is being forgotten that she is entitled to set terms here. Even a little low level bickering in the mornings is stressful. If op wants dn to arrive as she's about to leave, dsis should be accommodating that and realising which side her bread's buttered, frankly.

warthog · 03/10/2011 19:11

she sounds like an entitled.

yanbu

i would remind her that you're doing her a favour and that it makes life very hard for you. jeez i think you're a saint!!

BalloonSlayer · 03/10/2011 19:14

The thing is that if your are PAYING for childcare, then you get to set times, and make demands, as you are the EMPLOYER.

If you have made the decision not to pay for childcare, but to beg favours instead, then you have to go with what is offered. There is no scope to lay down the law.

Sis needs to understand this.

A kind way of saying "If you want to dictate the times you drop him off, then you need an employee to dictate to " would be in order.

OP - Yanbu.

lifechanger · 03/10/2011 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flowerista · 03/10/2011 19:15

I don't think you're BU about the stress, but you've made it worse for yourself by texting. She's your sister, you're doing her a favour and you should be able to discuss it.

I hate texting.

Pinot · 03/10/2011 19:19

Just walk up to collect DN - no more dropping off allowed.

Simple.

clam · 03/10/2011 19:23

Not only do I think your sister is taking the piss, by turning up 15 minutes early without discussion, but her attitude towards you when you gently pointed out there was an issue (and I agree, texting was not the best idea but I can see the temptation of avoiding face-to-face conflict over it) was also way out of line. "You've got no right to look at me like ...." plus all that stuff about not wanting to feel her DS was a burden..well, she's brought that on herself frankly.

I'll repeat! DO NOT LET HER GUILT TRIP YOU ON THIS!!! You have been willing to do a nice thing for her here, and she's in danger of spoiling it all by being grabby and ungrateful.

mycatoscar · 03/10/2011 19:30

I'm a teacher and can't get to school before 8 due to child care, you really do need to be there early to be properly prepared so I can understand why your sister wants to drop him off earlier and if it is her first year teaching or even first year in a new school she will be under immense pressure.

That's said, you are doing her a favour and there are ways to speak to people doing you favours. I would be mightily pissed off if someone sent me message like that!

I am getting from your messages that the main problem here really is your nephews behaviour yes? If he was better behaved then it would be much easier for you. At age six he is plenty old enough to do as he is told and walk sensibly to school, be responsible for his own belongings etc. My dd walks to school with her childminder who has up to 6 under 8's plus possibly some older ones. They do not run off, and some of them are only 4. You and your sister need to insist the nephew behaves. especially if your ds's copy him.

Pandemoniaa · 03/10/2011 19:34

I'm sort of repeating what has been said but basically, you were being a tad unreasonable by hoping to sort this out by text but not at all unreasonable in being pissed off with the situation your sister has put you in.

When someone is being done a favour (regardless of whether friend or another family member) the moral high ground is occupied by the person doing the favour. Now it may be that the OP's sister has under-estimated the time it takes her to get to work. If that's the case then she needs to be upfront and honest about needing to drop her child earlier. She does, however, need to accept that changing the terms of the arrangement might make all the difference between it being acceptable and impossible.

So, OP have a sensible talk, face-to-face with your sister and ask whether she will ever manage to stick to the agreed time of 8 am and if not, can she accept the difficult position this might put you in.