to send my sister this text message?

[Mobly]

I take my nephew to school each morning as my sister works at a school and obviously is unable to. It's no problem to me as I'm dropping of DS1 at the pre-school anyway. We leave the house just after 8am.

The original agreement was that she drop DN off at 8am at mine. However it's been getting gradually earlier and earlier. Today she dropped him off at 7.45am.

I know it sounds like no big deal but in reality it creates extra stress in the mornings that I just don't need. I have DS2 23mths, to get ready too. DN and DS1 argue. I have a third child to get out the door, inevitably he will have taken his coat off and flung it, put his bag and lunch box down, so I;m trying to remember extra things etc. Also, if DS1 is late eating his breakfast, if DN arrives, he won't eat it at all- he gets distracted by the excitement.

So, although it sounds petty, I would just prefer it if my sis would drop DN off at 8am so we are all ready to go as they arrive.

I did mention it to her this morning and she looked at bit peed off. AIBU to have texted her this: 'They are arguing already! Please leave it till 8 so I have time to get boys ready first. It's less stress that way'.

I hope not.

I don't think YABU with the dropping DN too early, but I think the text was inappropriate. Texts cannot convey any feeling or thought and are so impersonal, so probably not the best way to broach a sticky sitaution. If you sit down with your sister and discuss the issues I'm sure you can some to some arrangement that suits you both. By sending the text you may have upset your sister, she may be wodnering why you feel you couldn't talk to her.
Good luck and hope things improve for you both.

The OP shouldn't have to compromise, the nature of a favour is that it is offered in terms that are acceptable to the one offering them. The OP was clear from the start about her terms, which were 8pm and no earlier. The OP is doing her sister a big favour and probably saving her lots of money and shouldn't have to compromise further for someone, even a sister, who is behaving inconsiderately and abusing the favour!

Could you point out to her that you agreed to an 8 o' clock drop-off, and if she'd suggested 7:45 you would have had to say no, since that would not fit in with your arrangements?

Sleepglorioussleep, thank you, that is how I feel about it all I think. Athough I am very indecisive and a worrier, so on the one hand, my stress levels are important, and I don't want to be a pushover, but on the other hand I want to be fair and kind and not unreasonable.

Dozer, your post made me laugh. I don't think burden is the right word but yes, of course it's a favour and any extra child is extra work. That part of the text kind of felt a bit like emotional blackmail if I'm being honest.

Dozer agree but everyones different and for me as she is faaaaamily I would rather come to a compromise. Take your point on it being a favour though and more and more creeping in, suppose it depends on whether OP feels like she is being taken advantage of or not really.

tbh I wouldn't make it into an issue

because as she says the traffic is a nightmare and if she starts leaving later and you have to rush to get to school that will be 10x harder for you

i'd rather people were early than late every time

Totally get the sister stress - I have no less than 3 of them to deal with & I think the tricky bit is you can say things / expect things from sisters that you wouldn't with even best friends... which can lead to all sorts of bubbling resentments!

YANBU but I can see from your sister's perspective that she thinks you are - it's easy to forget how stressful it is being at home once you're back at work and she clearly thinks that her worries at the minute are much bigger than yours. I think you need to talk or at least send a longer, thought-out email where you can manage the tone better. Explain that you are truly happy to help out and will do what you can if she needs to be at work especially early on occasion, but that it is really tricky & stressful getting 3 of them out the door - especially at the minute when you're all just getting used to the new routine. Maybe as you get used to it, it'll get a bit easier / more organised, but until that happens you've got to try to stick to a routine. Never easy with sisters - I sympathise!

If she doesn't want to "feel as if dropping DN off is a burden to you" then she should stick to the original plan, not shift it to suit herself and then complain if you're not happy about it. The heavy traffic and what she has to do when she gets to work is her problem, not yours. That makes is sound as if she always wanted to slide the dropoff to earlier. Manipulative. Stick to your guns. Don't let her guilt-trip you. YOU ARE THE ONE DOING THE FAVOUR HERE. She has more to lose than you.

We live literally 10 doors away from each other, no traffic on our street at 8am so she wouldn't be late to mine due to traffic. She meant late for work although the first 3 weeks she did drop off at 8 and then it got gradually later. I have dropped her off before anyway, there is traffic but its only 3 miles away so takes about 20 minutes. I walk to school so no traffic for me.

I do love my sister and I don't think she is deliberately taking advantage but neither do I think she can see things from my perspective. It is definitely stress. But we all have stress.

I think if she had asked if she could drop DN off earlier, and I could get boys ready earlier, it would be better, although if I'm being truly honest, that turns an easy favour into a slightly more PITA favour. Like I said, it's the bickering, and getting them out the house every morning. Just the walk to school was fine. Although I feel guilty even saying this.

As she lives so close why don't you tell her that you will pick up DN on the way? That way you choose the time and not her. I wouldn't be happy with the dropping off earlier and earlier; definitely the wrong way way for her to answer you as well! If, as she says, "It's only 10 minutes", then she won't mind waiting will she?

Just say no, people can only walk all over you if you let them. It really is as simple as that.

with a 23m old, you can quite legitimately be too busy to answer the door until 8 am.

You said that she works in a school, but not whether she's actually a teacher. If she is, then I would have thought that arriving after 20 past 8 is not ideal. I aim to get there for 7.45am. Anyway, my point is that of course she's keen to leave earlier, particularly if she has to negotiate traffic on the way. Therefore this 10-15 minute earlier dropoff is not a one-off, she's counting on it being a regular thing. You need to decide for yourself if you are prepared to do this. If not, be clear about it.

I would think that collecting your DN from Dsis's house would be even more of a pain, as you'd have to have your own two ready even earlier.

Good plan CheeseandGherkins!

I think best to nip this in the bud, - else it could turn into 'I'll drop him off in his pajamas, if you wouldn't mind just getting him dressed and giving him breakfast'.

I would happily pick DN up, but if I suggested that, it would be obvious why because it would be walking opposite direction to way we are going to school. Good suggestion though.

If I'm not answering questions properly or look like I'm ignoring anyone, it's unintentional, it's just difficult to Mumsnet while boys are awake.

Wow, I wish I had you as a sister.
You are SO NBU.
Tell her to get a childminder like everyone else has to - or to accept the massive favour you are able to offer her, on your terms.

I would have thought it would be easier clam as there wouldn't be the bickering and non finishing of breakfast hence giving more time to actually be ready and as they leave just after 8 anyway (would assume a few minutes after?) then that would be fine.

Not sure it would be obvious, you can say whatever you like as to why you'll pick up instead, she's inconveniencing you and should be grateful. At least you won't be rushing about in the morning so much then.

'Mobly its 10 minutes and the traffic bad you have no right to look at me like im lieing, and I have stuff to do when I get to work, can't you say phone's broke? ive got enough to cope with at the moment and its not nice feeling thinking like dropping DN off is a burden to you'.

What does the phones broke bit mean?

She doesn't sounds like she appreciates the massive favour you are doing her at all, and more just thinks she's entitled to it.

I agree with others who said just don't open the door if she arrives early, you can be in the shower or something (make sure it's locked so kids don't open it). A few mornings of waiting around on the doorstep will sort it out. Also iw ould ask for something in return, perhaps she could have your dcs over after school once or twice a week, give them dinner etc.

Let it be obvious why!

Actually, her reply would really, really annoy me when i was doing her a massive favour. I'd reply "I'm prepared to have you drop DN off at 8am and then i'll take him to school for you. If that doesn't fit with your requirments, you'll have to find alternative childcare provision." But then I'm a mood so probably not the best to give measured advice...

'Mobly its 10 minutes and the traffic bad you have no right to look at me like im lieing, and I have stuff to do when I get to work, can't you say phone's broke? ive got enough to cope with at the moment and its not nice feeling thinking like dropping DN off is a burden to you'.

I would be hopping at that reply, tbh. It's massively entitled. She seems to have entirely forgotten that YOU are doing HER a favour. Time to remind her, or this really will not end well, because she will push more and more. If she needs to get to work early, she needs a childminder. If she's willing to accept a favour, she should be grateful!

Is your relationship generally give and take, because if it is I would let this go. She is your sister . I have two and they are my best friends and worth their weight in gold - if I could do anything for them I would, as they would me.

I suspect you taking the he DC in 10 mins early is a far bigger benefit to her than it is inconvenience to you, so personally I would let her know that it whilst it does complicate things for you, you do want to help.

There are a number of things you could do to facilitate this: feed your DC breakfast earlier so breakfast then teeth then dressed (also avoid weetabix/ toothpaste down shirt dramas) this would mean your DC was upstairs when DN arrived and he could be shepherded into room to watch TV until you are all ready to leave.

What time does she start work - 8.30 or 9? Why does she have to get there so early - if she's just started surely she won't have a massive backlog to get done?

Also - what are you getting out of this 'favour' - does she do anything for you?

she's a teacher so has to be there earlier than that tracyk

why?