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Original poster

to be fuming at sexist Christmas Presents?

475 replies

WomanlyWoman · 02/10/2011 15:40

I attended my first PTA meeting the other night, during which I discovered that the pta have bought Christmas presents for every child in the school. Nice, right? Then I realised the presents were different according to gender, the older children get books, the younger ones such as my child, in reception, get crafty things from Yellow Moon. Great, except - the girls get flower presses, the boys get cars.

This has really p-ed me off bigtime. For one, my daughter likes cars, car was one of her first words, she adores Lightning McQueen and doesn't seem to realise that it's meant to be for boys. So what message does it give her about herself when she sees the boys getting cars while she gets a flower press? Admittedly she would probably like a flower press too, but that is not the point. What about nature loving boys? Why are these children being given the message that active dynamic machines are for boys and pretty, passive things like flowers are for girls? A nature theme for all of them or a transport theme for all of them would be fine by me, but this just seems so wrong.

I'm very shy by nature and I hardly know any of the other parents. The pta meeting itself was quite an ordeal for me, so I didn't speak up at the time. I thought it was pointless because the presents have already been bought. Why make myself unpopular, so soon, when it's already done and dusted.

Then I started thinking, it's only October, there may be time to send them back and order different ones if enough parents express an opinion similar to mine. Not sure how to go about it though. Opinions and advice appreciated.

OP posts:
Meteorite · 02/10/2011 21:16
MrsBuntyCulDeSacWonder · 02/10/2011 21:17

FWIW, I think we all agree a book would be more appropriate, but collectively a group of people have got together and thought it would be a nice gesture to give these gifts. The gifts should be received in the spirit in which they were given. Better still they should donate the money to a charity, and the OP would have a better cause promoting this.

BeerTricksPotter · 02/10/2011 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnieLobeseder · 02/10/2011 21:20

I don't think it's entirely helpful to suggest the OP should join the committee to prevent this kind of think happening again. IMO, in the OP's opinion, and in the opinion of many people on this thread, the PTA have royally screwed up. Not maliciously, of course, their intentions were good.

But just because they're volunteers and you weren't on the committee is no reason not to point out their giant screw-up when you find out about it. Why should the PTA be above criticism?

Whether they realise how badly they've screwed up once it has been pointed out and do anything about it is another matter...

Though I would be writing to the head with my concerns if the PTA absolutely refused to listen.

Allboxedin · 02/10/2011 21:20

........at some churches and charities they have a 'donate an unwanted christmas gift' type services so maybe here is the chance to give something at christmas in a cheerful spirit of charity. :)

Glitterandglue · 02/10/2011 21:23

YANBU. It rankles me to know that so many people still think there is no problem with sending out the message that there are 'boy things' and 'girl things'. Sure, there are things that 'most boys like' and 'most girls like' which is fine for most of those boys and girls, but it sucks to be the ones who are different and who are constantly told, both subtly like this and both actually by some ridiculous heteronormative people, that they are somehow wrong for liking what they like.

Making an assumption that most boys will want a car and most girls will want a flower press is fine if that's what your experience has taught you (though given those choices I think most girls would also go for the car, but anyway). But it's when you start acting based on those assumptions that it gets dangerous. This sort of shit does actually hurt people. Those of you who think we're getting worked up over nothing are clearly lucky in that you've not had to be that person constantly wondering, "Am I wrong for not being a 'proper' girl/boy?"

onefatcat · 02/10/2011 21:30

Thing is OP- most girls do like girly stuff and if they got a car then would be most underwhelmed, and most boys would balk at a flower press. Those that like "gender opposite" gifts are in the minority. Even if you give them chocolate there wold be some that are dairy intolerant, diabetic, don't like it etc... Maybe the girls that prefer cars can swap with the boys that prefer a flower press???

MrsBuntyCulDeSacWonder · 02/10/2011 21:32

'This sort of shit hurts people'? You really fear a small gift could damage your child set against the bigger picture, the broad canvas of life including your own parental influences/ dialogues/ relationship with your child? You need to get a grip. I would really be more concerned with the possible sweatshop conditions said gift may have produced under, that's the sort of shit that really hurts people.

Whatmeworry · 02/10/2011 21:34

Unfortunately this approach will mean that people are put off commenting on committee activities, as they know they will always be asked to complete any task on which they are voicing an opinion

If you are on a committee, the time to comment and opine and persuade is before the decision is made, and to vote against it if you disagree with it at the time the decison is made. After it has been voted on and executed is not the time to start it all up again.

If you are not on the committee, you are free to criticize/condemn/complain any time you like.

KatieMiddleton · 02/10/2011 21:34

Thing is OP- most white children do like white music and if they got a Raggae CD then would be most underwhelmed, and most black children would balk at a Mozart CD. Those that like "racial opposite" gifts are in the minority. Even if you give them chocolate there wold be some that are dairy intolerant, diabetic, don't like it etc... Maybe the white children that prefer Reggae can swap with the black children that prefer Mozart???

Does that help anyone?

PeachyWhoCannotType · 02/10/2011 21:35

fwiw my boys would love a flower press, really love it

Would a bigger blow in the name of equality be, rather than sending perfectly good toys back, to just distribute the ones you have randomly? Get them to take home to open to skip peer pressure crap

There's nothing wrong about cars or flower presses, just the way they have been assigned

BeerTricksPotter · 02/10/2011 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatieMiddleton · 02/10/2011 21:36

Quite right Peachy.

Whatmeworry · 02/10/2011 21:36

IMO, in the OP's opinion, and in the opinion of many people on this thread, the PTA have royally screwed up

And I suspect, given teh PTA is made of the parents of the other kids at the school, that they have by and large done what they believe the bulk of the parents want. If they get a lot of complaints they will no doubt change things next year.

Laquitar · 02/10/2011 21:37

No,no chocolate!! What about obesity?

We better play it safe and never give a child a pesent Grin

BeerTricksPotter · 02/10/2011 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatieMiddleton · 02/10/2011 21:38

Someone's made an error of judgement. It's not the end of the world but neither should it be ignore. It should be handled tactfully but it must be dealt with.

Meteorite · 02/10/2011 21:39

Somehow though, I get the impression you're not in favour of people giving constructive feedback, as you will give at a negative label "criticize/condemn/complain" to try to make people feel guilty for speaking up with valid concerns.

"If you are not on the committee, you are free to criticize/condemn/complain any time you like."

KatieMiddleton · 02/10/2011 21:39

Yes Beer! It was a direct quote from another poster taking a comment I'd made earlier and swapping all the gender stuff for racial stuff.

I thought spelling it out might help a bit.

Allboxedin · 02/10/2011 21:40

I do wish I could stop judging people by their names - yawn. Hmm

BeerTricksPotter · 02/10/2011 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatmeworry · 02/10/2011 21:42

Somehow though, I get the impression you're not in favour of people giving constructive feedback

My note was context specfic as the OP is not praising/ encouraging / approving the actions, but anyone on a committee would be delighted if you did that!.

Sadly, in my experience of these things, the whinging outnumbers the praising by at least 10 to 1, and you quickly learn you can't please everyone.

MrsBuntyCulDeSacWonder · 02/10/2011 21:44

I wasn't talking about the books, BeerTricks. GlitterandGlue was suggesting the gifts suggested in the OP were shit that 'hurt people'. I was suggesting these items are more likely to be produced in sweatshop conditions and this was probably more of an issue to be enraged about than any fleeting, vague and quickly forgotten gender issues inflicted upon the recipients.

KatieMiddleton · 02/10/2011 21:45

No worries Beer I wasn't fast enough to get it under the post it misquoted. That would have been better to help those struggling with recognising sexism Grin

Glitterandglue · 02/10/2011 21:45

No, MrsBunty, I don't fear a small gift could damage my child. I fear that a constant steady stream of pink-for-girls-and-blue-for-boys and girls' things being about homemaking and boys' things being about building and girls like being princesses and boys like being pirates is what could damage my child. This is just yet another thing in the long, long list.

And I speak as a child who was a little girl who was allowed to do/have/play with whatever I liked by my parents, gender irrelevant, and my cousins and I all played together with little difference between boys and girls, and yet I still grew up knowing that a lot of people thought there was something wrong with me. Even my own father, when I finally got my hair cut short (because they hadn't let me for years) basically spat at me, "Do you want to look like a boy?" like that was some sort of crime. No, I just think long hair is really bloody impractical (especially for going in moshpits, which I was at that time).

I have seen my nephews fight over who gets the pink cup and then the Barbie cup at my house, but then refuse to ride a pink bike outside because other kids will laugh at them. Because they and all those other kids have received the message that boys aren't allowed to like pink and if they do they are to be ridiculed.

So yeah, I do fear that this shit hurts people, because I've seen it happen.