AIBU to want a 4th baby and would need a sterilisation reversal / ivf?

[Mummyinggnome]

husband is less keen, says he's ot against it in principle but can we discuss it in six months. What is it about the hormone thing - I sooo want to book an appointment with my obstetrician/gynae to start the ball rolling for the reversal op.
AIBU to want my husband to be more keen and want him not to wait. I'm 32 so I guess there's no huge rush, but in my head there is...
Any persuasive techniques?!

How much does the reversal cost?

£2500-3000

YANBU to want him to want what you want, but you have to respect his feelings. YABU if you force him into it without talking it through properly. Would it be worth going through counselling to sort out your feelings?

Poncey has made a really good point - why do you feel differently now from when you made the decision to get sterilised?

Do you have any children with your DH or are they from a previous relationship?

Can you afford that comfortably?

I think you might have difficulty being taken seriously TBH. You are only 32.. 3 kids already and have been sterilised and now want it reversed?

You certainly won't get help on the NHS for IVF. The success rates for reversal of sterilisation depend on how it was done.. clipped tubes are more likely to be successfully reversed than tied tubes for instance (and then only about 50%)

Surely you talked about it with your DH before having it done originally? I'd suggest that the first thing you need to do it actually have a proper talk.. including the reasons why you have the op in the first place. I'm sorry but you sound like you are having an 'I want' moment and he isn't.

In case that sounds like I'm an unsympathetic cow..I have been there... but my DH had the snip 3 weeks after my younger son was born.. then we discovered his disabilities and the surgeon agreed the op shouldn't have been done so soon after the baby was born...we had the reversal on the NHS as a result.

And no the reversal didn't work.....

Good post medusa. There must have been reasons for the sterilisation in the first place. If this is just a hormone driven longing for a baby, and your dh feels your family is complete as it is, then frankly yabu to expect your dh to consider it. And if you had number 4, you'd no doubt feel similar in a few years time, and have a yearning for number 5.

On a practical note, the shift from 3 to 4 children has quite a few implications. You cannot seat 4 children in a standard car, so you're looking at having to invest in a people carrier or use two cars for any family trips. Also whereas 3 children can be accommodated in an average family house, the shift to 4 makes life tricky as the kids get older. Few people can afford a 5 bed house (and they are much rarer than 4 beds anyway) so you need to be comfortable with the idea of shared bedrooms- not just when they are little and hardly notice, but when they are surly teens who want their privacy, or returning home from uni for the hols. There's a lot more to think through than just whether you're broody for a baby

I've been in your exact situation. I had a sterilization after DC3, BUT... I was suffering from PND at the time. That was actually one of my reasons, not wanting to go through that again. In hindsight, it was the one reason why it shouldn't have been done then.
When DC3 started school, i felt like i had my right arm ripped off when he went.
We looked into IVF, but it was a one of hit and they wanted to implant two eggs. I used to be very fertile and thought of twins scared me.
Had a consult for a private reversal with a local surgeon, who refered me to Stuart Lavery at the Hammersmith Hospital in London. Surgery was a bit more than you quoted but he's the best. He does more tube reversal surgery than anyone else in most of Europe, my scar is miniscule as well.
I've since had two beautiful little girls, fell pregnant within 8 weeks of surgery, one was an accident, boy he's good!
Never regretted it, even though DC5 has been a poorly and demanding little poppet. I love our big, noisy, messy and extended family.

Your husband is not that keen yet because you are you want to make the decision alone? Why?

This is a joint decision not yours to make alone.

You have three children you chose to be steralised without even really giving it any consideration at all because now you want a forth?

Madness be happy with what you have. Concentrate on the children you already have rather than having a reversal which I presume would cost the NHS money which is better spent elsewhere.

Wow, thanks everyone. I appreciate all your views as it really helps seeing it from dh's angle.
He woke this morning and said we should look into the reversal, but will chat with him tonight as I don't want to bully him into it.
Our three dc's are ours and the youngest is 18 months. The reasons for the sterilization originally were purely that we felt three was enough and we seemed to be so fertile that it would be a good idea. I regretted it straight away... But didn't say anything until about a month ago.

Thank you for the surgeons name - I shall look him up!

I take your points about cost / logistical implications. I think we can cope on that basis. Our children are really close in age and the best of friends which is why I adore the thought of adding to our little gang.

Thanks again for the advice!

Fabbychic - no I'm not even asking the nhs to have anything to do with it!

Do we not have enough people on this over populated planet already?

Surely the point of sterlisation is it is PERMANENT. Surely, surely, you get advice on this before they do it? And you must be 100% you want it? You felt three was enough before, what changed? Your children are close in age? All conceived when the youngest was around 18mths/2years old? Isn't this prime time for broodiness? The baby is a toddler and not a baby anymore etc.

If DH not onboard YABU as it was such a PERMANENT step to take in the first place. By Permanent it means, not never, reversal if -god forbid- one of our other children gets sick, or dies, or is permanently disabled, not if you feel like having more? I think there are othermore suitable types of contraception surely. Hey ho just my 2p. Don't mean to be harsh, but it seems you went into sterilisation a little lightly and wouldn't want a reversal to be undetaken as lightly so.

I don't really have anything to add OP as I agree with many of the posters above. One question I have though is, what will you do after DC4/DC5 assuming there is a successful reversal? If you don't trust non-permanent contraception then will you have another sterilisation? If so, what happens when your youngest is 18mo? In a 'perfect' scenario you would still be under 40 by that point. As others have said, there is a big difference between a family with 3 or 3+ and it seems like something you should have exhausted as a topic of conversation before the original procedure.

YABU
You made your decision and you are blessed with three healthy children already. I would not advise a friend of mine to pursue this in your situation. I have a good friend who has spent ££££££££££ on failed IVF despite having three already, she has broken her heart over it and it has taken far too much of her emotional and mental energy away from her existing DCs. It's a gruelling process, physically and emotionally, and I think you should appreciate what you have TBH.

Iteotwawki what does overpopulation have to do with this thread, any more than anyone else who decides to have children?

i think its something you will need to think long and hard about but i know someone who did the same as you, was sterilised then had it reveresed and went on to have 2 more children :)

she did get it done on the nhs i think, tho that was partly because she had a new partner who didnt have children?

YANBU to want more, but I think you need to come to this decision with your partner very carefully.

Do you want another child? Or just another baby?

Harsh I know, but that's what drove my choice to go for permanent contraception - I'd love another baby, but am not up to the longterm commitment to another child. Mind you I have a career, and I think that families with one SAHP find it much easier to fit more and more children in, whilst 2 earner families do find each child makes the logistics of life more and more stretched.

You must have felt pretty strongly to get sterilised, so I wonder if this is just a phase. Give it some time and let your partner think about it seriously.

People like you are why doctors won't entertain sterilizing people like me. No one wants to do it because I only have 2 children, and according to their stats too many sterilized mothers of 2 or under ask for a reversal, so we are mostly told no. I even underwent a termination at 5mths post birth with dd2 & they still won't do it.

I am nearing 40, I do not want any more children. Yet my dr won't refer me & the hospital (I refereed myself) won't consider it. They told me to ask again at 45. Only problem with that is my dr wants me off my pill at 40 & I have no other otions left for contraception (allergic to condoms, mirena got lost inside me etc).

I did ask when I had dd 2 (section) but they said it was unreliable. Yet the same consultant, less than a yr later sterilized my friend during her section... the difference? She had just had her third.

Different darling, given everything you've been through, won't they listen and give you what you need?

I've a good mind to fly there and sort them out for you.

IVF is pretty gruelling and costs about £5k a pop for a fresh cycle, and the best part of £1k for a frozen cycle. The odds are that it will take more than one go, too. I think sometimes people think it's a magic wand and it isn't.

Also, I would do a bit of research on not just the success of a reverse sterilisation, but the odds of having an ectopic pregnancy following the procedure. They are relatively rare, but any sort of operation on your tubes will bump up the odds of you having one - they can also take weeks to recover from physically.

I'm not trying to be scary, just realistic!