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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want a 4th baby and would need a sterilisation reversal / ivf?

51 replies

Mummyinggnome · 01/10/2011 23:43

husband is less keen, says he's ot against it in principle but can we discuss it in six months. What is it about the hormone thing - I sooo want to book an appointment with my obstetrician/gynae to start the ball rolling for the reversal op.
AIBU to want my husband to be more keen and want him not to wait. I'm 32 so I guess there's no huge rush, but in my head there is...
Any persuasive techniques?!

OP posts:

soverylucky · 02/10/2011 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 02/10/2011 11:25

The thing is that if you are a broody person, the chances are you will ALWAYS be broody, even when you are post menopausal.

What will you do then? Will you be on the news, having a baby when you're 59?

You have three children. Make the most of your lovely family. Let them be enough for you.

KeepInMind · 02/10/2011 11:30

I think you should concentrate on the children you already have and not look to have more

differentnameforthis · 02/10/2011 11:32

Cheerful, nope. Hospital consultant said not till I am 45.

Before that, the consultant that looked after me during dd's section told me to ask at our 6 week check, which I did & the dr said he wouldn't refer. I asked the practice manager & she said it was practice policy! I kicked up a huge stink when I had to have my termination because of contraceptive failure...but still...no go!

I can't afford private, although we are saving. But we are looking at $7k+

CheerfulYank · 02/10/2011 11:33

differentnameforthis · 02/10/2011 11:34

I would welcome that, Cheerful, if it would work! I am going to try again after the school holidays. I figure if I keep asking, they'll get fed up with me.

AnyoneButLulu · 02/10/2011 11:37

If it's practice policy different, can you try another practice? Outrageous if a GP can bar you access to a specialist.

differentnameforthis · 02/10/2011 11:45

I could, I guess Anyone. The only issue being that they will refer to the same hospital who have said 45. Worth a try...maybe I can go in crying next time. I'll take dd2 in, show them what a handful she can be, they'll agree just to get her out their room

lovechoc · 02/10/2011 11:48

'Do you want another child? Or just another baby?' I think this is the key question above everything else. Good point, AnyoneButLulu.

lovechoc · 02/10/2011 11:50

Have to agree with others. Be grateful for what you have in life, and just enjoy your children just now rather than daydreaming about what could be. It's wasted energy.

DumSpiroSpero · 02/10/2011 12:02

Our children are really close in age and the best of friends which is why I adore the thought of adding to our little gang.

It sounds like you and your DH might well be able to work this out, but I would just say don't make your comment above the reason for having a fourth.

A friend of mine had two DD's close together who were the best of friends, then a 3rd after a four year age gap. She loves her DD3 dearly but she is of a very different character to the first two which has been difficult for my friend and caused issues in the whole family dymanic and between the two older girls, which is particularly heartbreaking for my friend to watch.

I doesn't necessarily follow that a fourth child will automatically slot in with the other three. That said, if it's what you and your DH both want and it's financially and practically possible - good luck to you!

callmemrs · 02/10/2011 12:12

Very good post dum. Children are individuals and they don't come with any guarantees of getting along together. Dynamics change anyway- I know several families where the children were inseparable when small but grew apart when older. I also know families where the kids hated eachother and only really got close as adults. I wouldn't make any assumptions. The only good reason for having another child is that 'you BOTH as mum and dad feel that you need another person (NOT baby!) in your family to be complete

fedupofnamechanging · 02/10/2011 12:47

I think that if you and dh are in agreement then you should go for it imo. The only difference between you and anyone else considering adding to their family is that you will have to undergo a procedure to reverse sterilisation first.

All people when they have a child take the risk that their kids won't get on or that their child may have a disability, which impacts on the whole family.

It's all very well for people to say you should be grateful for the children you have - I'm sure you are, but when you long for a child, it's an awful thing not to be able to have one. Having children already, doesn't mean that you can't still be hit by that feeling.

I think if you are prepared to reverse sterilisation and pay thousands of pounds to do so, then you are pretty sure of what you want. More sure perhaps than someone who gets pg easily or by accident. Your body, your money, your choice.

valiumredhead · 02/10/2011 12:54

different that's awful

Must be different for men as my dh had a vasectomy after we had ds 10 years ago and ds was only 1 iirc. I think it entirely depends on which GP you have which is crap! I wonder if it would've been different if I had gone for sterilisation instead?

valiumredhead · 02/10/2011 12:57

OP - I'm not sure about this one tbh, we only went into it knowing it was permanent , so even when I went through a period of broodiness, I just accepted that we had made our decision and that was that.

4madboys · 02/10/2011 13:18

its interesting the variation between health authorities on when they will sterilise, i enquired about it but was told i am too young (32) but we have FIVE children, dp is 34 and is going to ask, but tbh we arent sure that its what we want so i will probably get the coil fitted,i think you really do need to be VERY certain that you are done having children. my plan is have the coil, then in 5yrs when it needs changing we will have had time to think and for the kids to get a bit older etc, i cant see us having anymore but am not sure about making that decision final.

i think its much easier for men to get referred for a vasectomy than for a woman for some reason?

callmemrs · 02/10/2011 14:03

I actually think its really wrong not to allow a 14 year old to travel on a 2 hour train trip (as one poster says she wouldn't). Unless there are very specific reasons why not ( eg risk of abduction by ex partner etc). In that case, this point of view isn't relevant to the op, who is seeking advice about an average 12 yr old. I think its wrong because 14 is 4 short years, 48 months away from adulthood- when the Girl will be able to travel where she likes, live where she likes, and come and go as she pleases. Thats some learning curve, to have to cope with not being allowed on a straightforward train journey alone, to having to cope with living independently

callmemrs · 02/10/2011 14:04

Oops wrong thread!

valiumredhead · 02/10/2011 14:05

Wrong thread call

differentnameforthis · 02/10/2011 15:03

valiumredhead

A friend's dh was done 72hrs after their third was born, in a private clinic (don't know if that make a difference).

Dh feels quite bad, he is a terrible hospital phobic (couldn't attend dd1's/dd2's birth due to this) & I have read some bad stories about the post op reaction of men with my dh's phobia. He asked his GP, got some addresses etc, but I can't make him do it. I don't want to traumatise him!

AuntiePickleBottom · 02/10/2011 15:22

Op You need to think Why you had it done in the first place

Original poster

Mummyinggnome · 02/10/2011 21:04

Well,what can i say... You guys have made me think more than you could imagine.

Firstly, this would be fully privately funded, so please don't think your tax revenues would be in any way paying for my whims.

The main point that has hit home is differentnameforthis - I don't live in the UK and of I did I doubt I would have been allowed a sterilisation. It sounds like you've had a dreadful time for which I really do empathise.

I was sterilised at my last c section. I genuinely feel that pregnancy hormones made me feel that I couldn't do this again etc etc, but find me someone at 40 weeks who isn't thinking that?! Not making excuses It's my own fault.

Anyway, thank you for all your opinions. Main thing I have guaged from it is that dh and I should wait and see how we're feeling in a couple of weeks / months time. Ironically he's now all for it, and I'm thinking of the risks I put my family under when we're already happy and content already.

Who knows what the future holds... Thanks guys.

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 03/10/2011 01:35

I'm not in the UK either, OP, and I don't know what the protocol is there regarding this.

DumSpiroSpero · 04/10/2011 08:05

Differentname - just wanted to add to your point about doctors refusing sterilisation ops.

I am in SE England and when I enquired was told they will only do them for women on the NHS if there is absolutely no other option available as far as contraception is concerned, so it's no necessarily any better over here.

Original poster

Mummyinggnome · 05/10/2011 20:43

Different name - I'm in Switzerland, here The protocol is that after your second child you are routinely offered to be sterilised. You can choose if that is at the time of birth or after...
Hope it works out for you.

OP posts:

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