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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DD to hang around with this girl?

119 replies

BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 19:16

DD is 6 and in yr 2. She has always been friendly & outgoing but when she started in reception she had a lot of problems with another child who joined her group of friends and her behaviour became very challenging, she was anxious and started biting her nails until they bled.

The child is very badly behaved and her parents are often called into school about her behaviuor. I'm 'school gate' friends with her mum so hear about the problems first hand.

I had to go and talk to the teachers on several occasions while they were in reception but they said it was just teething problems and the girl is learning to behave.

In yr 1 I had to go in a lot, DD was bitten and hit by this girl and they finally came to blows and had a scrap. The teachers said they would try their best to sepearte them but could not really be responsible for the friendship as they sometimes got on.......

She has now been back at school for about a month and her behaviour has gone down the plug hole, nasty comments and bullying her brother just like the girl does to the other children. I'm at my wits end.

OP posts:

MangoMonster · 01/10/2011 21:58

OP, I'm finding it difficult to read what you're thinking from your posts? You keep saying it's been 2 years and you've had enough. Do whatever you think is best for your dd but you don't seem keen on taking anyone's advice, so I'll leave it there. Hope you find a solution that works for you and dd.

worraliberty · 01/10/2011 21:59

No, I know she's not copying on purpose.

baskingseals · 01/10/2011 22:02

op if you feel that you and your dd have tried and tried to solve this situation, and you haven't really found any answers, your options are now to either make an appointment with the headteacher or to talk to the other girl's mother.

do you think you could do one of these things? or perhaps both

CactusRash · 01/10/2011 22:04

or change school as a last resort.

Original poster

BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 22:05

I don't really know what to do, I'm not thinking anything really, am a bit confused... We have tried everything that has been sugessted apart from the role play

OP posts:

Original poster

BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 22:07

I think we definately need to talk to her new teacher, I'm just worried it is going to keep happening

OP posts:

Original poster

BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 22:07

Maybe she could change class? Is that a bit drastic?

OP posts:

MangoMonster · 01/10/2011 22:13

Try changing class and role play so if it happens in future it might be sorted quicker. It's not too drastic if that's what you believe will help. Hope it all goes well.

baskingseals · 01/10/2011 22:13

bakerbinky, you need to take control of this situation. you need to feel confident, and if you don't, then just pretend. your dd needs to feel reassured that you can take care of this, and you can.

changing class is not drastic. it is a good idea. make that appointment on monday morning, and write a list of all the points you would like to raise in the meeting, so you don't walk out of the door thinking oh no i didn't mention X.

this will all turn out okay, it doesn't seem like it will now, but it will.

have a bit of faith in yourself, and your dd.

Original poster

BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 22:15

Thanks for all your advice guys

OP posts:

feebeecat · 01/10/2011 22:20

You have my sympathies as my 6yr old is in pretty much the same situation - although no physical violence. Her behaviour is what I would deem to be unacceptable at home and I know that phrases/actions that come out are not my dd, but this other girl. Other girl is also a problem to others in the class, but has latched onto my dd and won't let her be. It is very hard to know what to do, especially when they sometimes do get on.
I have spoken to the school and although they can't change class, they are kept apart and the play ground supervisors have also been 'alerted' to keep an eye out. I have gone around in circles trying to find ways of dealing/helping dd to deal with this, but essentially she is completely overwhelmed by this girl - on some levels she gets on really well with her, but then she can just turn and dd doesn't understand, having never encountered it before. In some respects dd seems very naive, but then I have to remind myself that she is just 6 years of age and shouldn't have to deal with this. I have spent nearly three years making 'allowances' for others behaviour and I can't see why dd cannot just go to school and have fun, without having to deal with the impact of this girls social dysfunction? Have got the the stage now of just telling her to avoid her and hoping that when they go to juniors they will mix the classes so she no longer has to deal with this.
It is so hard seeing them so unhappy because of others actions and not being able to do a darned thing to fix it :-(

TawnyGrisette · 01/10/2011 22:22

@Worra

It's so samey... "my posts have been very honest" = 'my posts are brutal, insensitive and rude'.
"It's a pretty diverse forum" - yup, I've been on here for years. Yet the rude ones always seem to dominate, don't they?
"Not all huns and hugs" - I don't like the NMs style, but to say that it's that or just being rude, like you often are, is a cop out.

I feel like I'm seeing MN with fresh eyes lately; a forum defined by bitchy women where any dissenting voices are shouted down. I've always avoided large groups of women in RL because I find the dynamics really quite toxic. How the fuck did I find myself voluntarily in that situation online then?

Just quite bizarre, really.

Sorry for hijack, OP. Is there any way you could get the school to move her away from this girl (in class or into another class if there's two in the year group?)

worraliberty · 01/10/2011 22:28

I dunno but here you are again bitching online

You're right it is quite bizarre

Still, whilst you're here you might want to give the OP some words of advice instead of using her thread for your bitch fest.

Who knows, you might even help her?

helpmenow · 01/10/2011 22:28

OP, its nice that your daughter has helped socialize the other girl and that reflects well on you and her; but now this friendship is definitely negatively impacting her behaviour its probably time to insist that they are separated.

Children definitely copy. Its not being naughty or even attention seeking, but once they see that a certain behaviour can be 'done' and even if there are consequences, they're not catastrophic the seed is sown- the possibility is there where it wasn't before.

An anecdote. I have 3 DCs who happened to have never teased each other, and the dynamic was never physical- ie no play-fighting. DH and I are not particularly physical with them apart from affectionately; ie hugs but not tickling IYSWIM.

We spent a few days with another family with older children who were very different from us- lots of winding each other up, shoving etc, and since then my DCs have become much more physical and behave more like the other kids. They saw that the behaviour that was not a possibility before was tolerated in some circumstances and brought it home.

TawnyGrisette · 01/10/2011 22:31

I know - brings out the worst in me, I think, when combined with wine. I'm going to bed now and won't be back on MN for a while.

I did give the OP some words of advice, incidentally, and I think that you are a fine one to talk about being a bitch.

worraliberty · 01/10/2011 22:34

You didn't give her advice...you just gave her your opinion.

I suspect you were too busy slagging off the advice other people had bothered to give.

Hope you're head's ok in the morning.

Maryz · 01/10/2011 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worraliberty · 01/10/2011 22:36

Thank you Maryz you've put it clearer than I can manage at this time of night

GypsyMoth · 01/10/2011 22:37

Tawny

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