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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DD to hang around with this girl?

119 replies

BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 19:16

DD is 6 and in yr 2. She has always been friendly & outgoing but when she started in reception she had a lot of problems with another child who joined her group of friends and her behaviour became very challenging, she was anxious and started biting her nails until they bled.

The child is very badly behaved and her parents are often called into school about her behaviuor. I'm 'school gate' friends with her mum so hear about the problems first hand.

I had to go and talk to the teachers on several occasions while they were in reception but they said it was just teething problems and the girl is learning to behave.

In yr 1 I had to go in a lot, DD was bitten and hit by this girl and they finally came to blows and had a scrap. The teachers said they would try their best to sepearte them but could not really be responsible for the friendship as they sometimes got on.......

She has now been back at school for about a month and her behaviour has gone down the plug hole, nasty comments and bullying her brother just like the girl does to the other children. I'm at my wits end.

OP posts:
CactusRash · 01/10/2011 21:15

ow does the svhool reacts when ther is a problem? Surely, if the girl has some social issues, then they must have some sort of strategy in place?

Original poster
BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 21:19

I don't know the strategies they haven't discussed it with me, DD says she gets sent out teh room a lot though.

We have talked to DD about it unti lwe are blue in the face, it just goes round and round in cirlces.

I just want DD away from her.

OP posts:
Portofino · 01/10/2011 21:22

Hmm - now in dd's Belgain year 1 class (aged 6) the teacher swapped the seating around monthly. We had a month where dd was sat next to X, who is from Eastern Europe and struggling with french. From what I understand, he plays up a bit - probably totally understandable, he must be finding things difficult. So dd all of a sudden is in trouble for talking/playing up in class. The 2 things coincide.

But I am not blaming the other boy. Dd KNOWS how she she is expected to behave. My job, and that of the teacher, is to help her to deal with it.

MangoMonster · 01/10/2011 21:23

The only way you will get dd away from her is changing classes or schools. You don't seem like you have the inclination to help resolve the issue. I guess it's been so long for you, maybe the best thing is running away from it as that's what you seem to be alluding to.

Maryz · 01/10/2011 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 21:23

But that's a month, this has been over 2 years. DD isn;t badly behaved all the time but we really notice when she is feeling the strain

OP posts:
Original poster
BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 21:25

MangoMonster - what do you mean?

OP posts:
Portofino · 01/10/2011 21:25

This is one girl though - are they sat together all the time?

CactusRash · 01/10/2011 21:27

In a similar situation, the school hadn't said anything to us but from what ds was saying, it was obvious that :
1- they had some strategy in place (as he could tell me when A does this, this happens)
2- they also had involved the children in the class, telling them if A does X, the best you can do is to do Y.

At the time, I though it would be nice if the scholl was telling us what was going on and what was the problem said child so that us, parents, could then explain and help our dc. I had been sternly put back to place by MN saying that other parents would probably use it to the child (A) disadvantage and it would cause havoc. Plus no one has to say what sort of health problem they have to everyone and the sundry (which is totally fair enough).

I would imagine that this is the reason why the school hasn't officially told the parents. But your dd hould have some awareness of it.

Original poster
BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 21:29

They are in a group of four, this girl seems very drawn to DD, the other children don't want to play with her.

DD isn't in the same learning group as her but they seem to be 'around' each other the rest of teh time. She pokes DD in the back on the mat and pushes her in the lunch line/home time line.

OP posts:
MangoMonster · 01/10/2011 21:30

Sorry if I wasn't clear, it seems that you have been dealing with this so long and are so dragged down by it that you just want a quick solution i,e getting your dd out of the situation now, thather than giving any more time and energy towards it. Don't blame you, just not sure its the best solution in the long run, but who knows.

Original poster
BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 21:33

We've tried everything I can think of apart from physically seperating them.

OP posts:
CactusRash · 01/10/2011 21:33

DD isn;t badly behaved all the time but we really notice when she is feeling the strain

Yes and this is to your credit that you can tell when she is misbehaving because she is and when she is misbehaving because other issues.

However, you do need to stop feeling down about it as if you had failed as a mum. You haven't. What you and your dd need is to feel confident that you can deal with it.

Look at it in another way. Here are 4 girls. One has a problem of some sort. £ are suffereing from her behavior. What about the other girls in the class? Why can't yur dd not be like on these other girls who might be some time on the recieving end but can handle it in such a way that it doesn't have the same devastating effect? Because she can be in that place you know

CactusRash · 01/10/2011 21:34

X pst.

Agree with Mango. You need to find srength in yourself to be able to support your dd.

Maryz · 01/10/2011 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 21:37

Because this girl wants to be with them, no one else will play with her. I told DD that if the girl is unkind to her or upsets her she just needs to say no, walk away and find something else to do rather than react. but this girl just follows her and tries to join in and then DD gets told off for not playing with her

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Original poster
BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 21:38

I do wholeheartedly support DD but there is only so much I can do and there is only so much much DD can take

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TawnyGrisette · 01/10/2011 21:45

God almighty. I've not been on MN lately, because I got really fed up with the dynamic. I've come back on (because it's Friday, I've had a few glasses of wine, and I'm waiting for a cake to bake) and immediately I just feel fucking irritaited at how judgemental and unsupportive people are here. Worra I'm looking at you for one. Hmm

OP yanbu at all - sounds horrible that your poor DD has been putting up with this for so long. I wouldn't want my DD near her long term either, especially as it sounds like the school aren't doing enough. A pattern for tolerating toxic friendships can start early, and it sounds like that's happening here.

noraa · 01/10/2011 21:49

if i were you BakerBinky,
i would definitely speak to teacher first (maybe you did), if it doesn't work speak to the head teacher and tell that your child is suffering such a long time.
they need find a beavioral specialist to work with her.

noraa · 01/10/2011 21:50

i meant behavioral specialist have to work with this other girl.

Maryz · 01/10/2011 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worraliberty · 01/10/2011 21:53

Tawny I couldn't give a shiny shite who you're looking at to be honest Grin

I personally think my posts have been very honest in my opinion and I've tried to help the OP in the sense I've advised her to teach her daughter that she'll come across many badly behaved people in her life and that she's not to copy their behaviour.

If you see that as unsupportive and judgemental then that's your way of looking at it.

Hopefully the OP may look at it differently and realise that not all 'support and advice' is the same....even if she doesn't agree with me.

You were probably best to stay off MN if other people's opinions and advice annoys your that much as it's a pretty diverse forum...not all huns and hugs (thank the lord) Smile

CactusRash · 01/10/2011 21:54

Maryz I know and totally understand now the reasons behind it. I think I was quite naive .

Original poster
BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 21:54

When we first went in two years ago the conclusion was that DD and friends were helping this girl to socialise. TBH I wasn't happy with this as DD had just started school and it was traumatic enough. It has now been over 2 years.

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Original poster
BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 21:55

DD isn't copying on purpose

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