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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DD to hang around with this girl?

119 replies

BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 19:16

DD is 6 and in yr 2. She has always been friendly & outgoing but when she started in reception she had a lot of problems with another child who joined her group of friends and her behaviour became very challenging, she was anxious and started biting her nails until they bled.

The child is very badly behaved and her parents are often called into school about her behaviuor. I'm 'school gate' friends with her mum so hear about the problems first hand.

I had to go and talk to the teachers on several occasions while they were in reception but they said it was just teething problems and the girl is learning to behave.

In yr 1 I had to go in a lot, DD was bitten and hit by this girl and they finally came to blows and had a scrap. The teachers said they would try their best to sepearte them but could not really be responsible for the friendship as they sometimes got on.......

She has now been back at school for about a month and her behaviour has gone down the plug hole, nasty comments and bullying her brother just like the girl does to the other children. I'm at my wits end.

OP posts:
AKMD · 01/10/2011 20:38

The OP states that her daughter was being bitten and hit by this girl.

Original poster
BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 20:40

She has a couple of friend in the other class, I will talk to DD about it, I just want her to be happy and able to enjoy her social life at school

OP posts:
MangoMonster · 01/10/2011 20:40

AKMD having specially needs socially means the girl probably doesn't understand communication and relationships. She is probably not doing it intentionally.

worraliberty · 01/10/2011 20:40

Yes AKMD she says she was bitten and hit by the girl last year in year 1.

Is that really bullying from a 5yr old? Or is it out of control behaviour?

There is a difference, albeit a subtle one.

Original poster
BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 20:40

Yes I would call it bullying, in my personal definition of the word

OP posts:
Original poster
BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 20:42

I don't think there has been any formal diagnosis, although I don't know how these things work

OP posts:
Original poster
BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 20:42

Diagnosis of her social problems I mean

OP posts:
AKMD · 01/10/2011 20:44

It depends really. If it was a one-off, then no, it isn't bullying. If nasty behaviour is repeated over and over again towards the same person, I would call that bullying.

Even if she isn't really aware of what she's doing, the OP's DD is entitled to the same protection from her as she would be from any other child. The OP's DD is not a practice dummy for this girl to get her frustrations out on, she is a little girl.

MangoMonster · 01/10/2011 20:45

See if you can get advice from sn children and take it to the teachers.

worraliberty · 01/10/2011 20:46

I absolutely agree AKMD

Though I think it's a sad world we live in when a 5yr old child is labelled as a bully.

MangoMonster · 01/10/2011 20:47

AKMD I completely agree, it's not fair but I can't see a practical solution without helping both children?

noraa · 01/10/2011 20:47

it is a difficult situation.

  1. you can tell your dd to play with other children and equip her for such people in life and,
  2. you said that that girl is upsetting other children as well. if this child's behavioral problem is not solved it will continue like that for some years coming. what the school can do is- and should do in my opinion-, they can arrange a behavioral-educational specialist to work with her. otherwise it will be very difficult for everyone.
Original poster
BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 20:47

I think a child can behave in a bullying way without being labelled as a 'bully'

OP posts:
Maryz · 01/10/2011 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AKMD · 01/10/2011 20:51

Oh good, I was starting to wonder if I'd accidentally turned rabid without realising :) DH's iPad turns me into a very poor speller so who knows what other magical powers it has!

Labeling any child is sad because it is often self-fulfilling, absolutely agree.

AKMD · 01/10/2011 20:52

Maryz there us a huge difference for the child doing the bullying, yes, but not for the child in the receiving end.

Original poster
BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 20:53

I realise it must be awful for her and her mother but my priority has to be my daughter who is being really affected by this

OP posts:
CactusRash · 01/10/2011 20:59

OK this is what I would do:
-As others have said, encourage her to make friends with others children (perhaps invite them after school, hols or week ends so they have an opportunity to develop friendship outside the school)

  • If you can, ask the school if she can change class. I am sure that at some point they will mix the classes up anyway.
  • Now I totally get what you say. You would like to protect your dd from such a hardship. Something very understandable tbh. As you said it has been going for a long time (2 and a bit year for a 6 year old is nearly half of their life).
Unfortunatly, you can't protect your dd for life difficulties all the time. So what about seeing this as an opportunity? An opportunity to learn about children with a difference (and how to handle it), an opportunity to learn about how to react to bullying, an opportunity to learn what to do when someone is abusing of your kindness, an opportunity to boost her self esteem and be able to either raise over the 'emotional bullying' or just walk away from someone who hurts you.

I really don't think that being very strict with her re her brother will help in anyay if it is only coming from this situation.
I do think she needs your support, your emotional support to learn how to deal with it. To be able to do that, you need to see that as a way to learn something rather that something that is hardship, unfair etc... because you will pass your helplessness to your dd and what she needs most now is confidence. Confidnce to walk away when said child is being hurtful. Confidence to go and play with other children (BTW, why are the other 2 girls also still playing with her?). Confiddence that she can have other friends if she wants to. Confidence that she isn't to blame (?? just a idea depending on how situations ahve been handled at school. I know my ds has felt guilty because another little boy misbehaved. This child had serious SN and my ds though it was his fault because he didn't do X or Y to calm him down).

Spend some time with her and let her tell you how she feels. Don't judge, don't try and 'make it better' for her. Just acknowledge how she feels. Try to pu in words what has happened @So when A did X, you feel very afraid because yu though she didn't like you anymore'. Then at a later date, talk about how she could respond in a similar situation. 'If A does Y, then you can tell her yu don't like it and walk away.' Perhaps you could even reherse it at home if she doesn't feel confident about it.
HTH

Maryz · 01/10/2011 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CactusRash · 01/10/2011 21:03

BTW, I don't think that whether a child is a bully or not is making such a big difference. A bully, esp at that age, will be a child who has gone through a lot and has some sort of emotional issue. A child with SN obvioulsy can not help it.
In any case, being respectful of the other child should be the first thing to do so no major difference imo.

AKMD · 01/10/2011 21:04

Agreed Maryz, I just think 2 and. It years us. Awful long time to have to put up with someone being nasty to you, especially when you're 6 :( Your DS sounds super.

Original poster
BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 21:04

We have been through all kinds of ways of dealing with it with DD, it has been going on a long time. It is still affecting her badly. I don't know what to do anymore, DD can only do so much herself

OP posts:
AKMD · 01/10/2011 21:05

Flippin iPad! Grrr!

I think 2 and a bit years is an awful long time...

Maryz · 01/10/2011 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

baskingseals · 01/10/2011 21:15

reassure her that this girl's behaviour is absolutely NOTHING to do with her.
you can control how you feel and react, but can do nothing about other people's behaviour.

remind your dd, that it is ok to say things like 'i don't like what you are doing/saying, please stop it'

if i were you i would definitely role play. you are the girl and dd is herself.
i have done this with my dd who is 9 and has intense and complicated 'friendships' and it does really help.

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