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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DD to hang around with this girl?

119 replies

BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 19:16

DD is 6 and in yr 2. She has always been friendly & outgoing but when she started in reception she had a lot of problems with another child who joined her group of friends and her behaviour became very challenging, she was anxious and started biting her nails until they bled.

The child is very badly behaved and her parents are often called into school about her behaviuor. I'm 'school gate' friends with her mum so hear about the problems first hand.

I had to go and talk to the teachers on several occasions while they were in reception but they said it was just teething problems and the girl is learning to behave.

In yr 1 I had to go in a lot, DD was bitten and hit by this girl and they finally came to blows and had a scrap. The teachers said they would try their best to sepearte them but could not really be responsible for the friendship as they sometimes got on.......

She has now been back at school for about a month and her behaviour has gone down the plug hole, nasty comments and bullying her brother just like the girl does to the other children. I'm at my wits end.

OP posts:
Dillydaydreaming · 01/10/2011 20:05

If the other girl has social difficult,ties then the school need to be addressing it - especially as your DD is bearing the brunt of it. What are they doing to support this girl to communicate more effectively? Without a doubt it will be her social communication skills which are the problem, she doesn't have better ways of communicating. The school should be addressing it already I would imagine but if it's still a problem for other children then they need to look at it again.

Original poster
BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 20:05

I disagree, it's not something that anyone should just 'cope' with as it will always happen.

OP posts:
MangoMonster · 01/10/2011 20:13

So what happens when she's at uni or work and comes up against someone like this? Or secondary school, where she will undoubtedly? You can't protect her always. She needs to build confidence and learn to protect herself.

Original poster
BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 20:15

Yes but this has been a constant factor in her life from the age of four, it is hard enough for an adult let alone a young child

OP posts:
MangoMonster · 01/10/2011 20:17

I see what you are saying OP, but I can't think of another solution apart from the other girl leaving school, which seems extreme. I hope the teachers and parents are helping her with her social difficulties but it can take time. You could move your dd to another school, but it might just happen again.

Original poster
BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 20:18

I know Sad I just want to take the pressure off DD, I don't think its fair, its been going on long enough

OP posts:
ll31 · 01/10/2011 20:19

I think u should if possible talk to teacher re seperating them more at school - but really all u can deal with and concentrate on is ur daughter and all she can control is her own behaviour - which tbh she needs to do. I think maybe u need to think less about whats causing her behaviour and more on dealing with ti and helping her to deal with it. As she gets older in school - no ones going to say to her, oh yes we understand its not u its ur friends bad behaviour...

MangoMonster · 01/10/2011 20:20

I'm not in your position and I don't have all the facts but I hunk building her confidence through an after school club and talking her through the situations she might find herself in using social stories will help.

Conundrumish · 01/10/2011 20:20

I think you have to intervene Binky - speak to a teacher and ask for them to be in different groups etc.

I think you posted this in the wrong place, which is why everyone is being arsy.

ll31 · 01/10/2011 20:20

sorry meant to add I'd be slightly dubious that her bad behaviour is due completely to friend - maybe she's heard u blaming her friend for her bad behaviour so now its an easy excuse

Portofino · 01/10/2011 20:20

"TBH it's mainly psychological bullying which is what this girl is famous for" At 6 yo? Hmm

Yes, the school should be made aware if there is anything amiss, but girls (in my experience) start the cliquey thing around this age. Dd was at kindergarten with the same group since she was 2.5. Aged 6, when they started primary, the same children remained in the same class, but the friendship groups changed.

Dd got extremely stressed by this - friends who she had played with nicely for years didn't want to play anymore. Things got unpleasant. She had sleepness nights and kept coming in bed with us. All I could do was encourage her to play with others, to take a book, or some cards, or a skipping rope etc to school and explain that sometimes things ARE awkward, but that it would change.

This year, fingers crossed, we have had no problems yet.

MangoMonster · 01/10/2011 20:24

pink I don't think people are being arsey, just realistic and offering pratical advice. Just being sympathetic to the OP won't change the situation of her dd.

AKMD · 01/10/2011 20:27

I am really shocked at the posters saying that the OP's DD just has put up with the bullying. What a horrible thing to say! If I was being bullied at work I would have no qualms in going to HR and keep going until it stopped, and I am an adult. A 6 year old should have the same protection.

To say is shouldn't affect her behavior is ridiculous. After two years of bullying her self-esteem is likely to be shot. The school is failing in it's duty to protect her and I would be furious if this was my DD.

AKMD · 01/10/2011 20:29

Its duty.

A also Hmm at the posters saying that the other girl must have issues but that the OP's daughter needs to learn to take responsibility for her own actions. So when does the bully take responsibility for her actions?

MangoMonster · 01/10/2011 20:30

AKMD, I'm assign that the teachers are doing the best they can as it has been brought to their attention several times. You're right maybe they are not, but then it's the teachers fault not the other girl. Maybe a different school would be better.

MangoMonster · 01/10/2011 20:31

Should have said... I'm assuming not assigned.

MangoMonster · 01/10/2011 20:32

Some kids have special needs and cannot grasp social interaction...

Muddlewitch · 01/10/2011 20:32

Has the other child's mum said anything about it? You say you are friends with her so can you not have a chat?

Are the school helping the girl at all?

I do feel for your daughter. Maybe you could try and encourage friendships with other children through after school clubs, play dates etc. This might help to get a bit of distance.

AKMD · 01/10/2011 20:33

If the bullying has continued across three school years and the school still haven't seen fit to split them up, I would say they are failing.

MangoMonster · 01/10/2011 20:33

OP has stated the over girl has social difficulties, I didnt assume it.

Original poster
BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 20:33

What shouls i ask the school to do?

The first year their line was 'The other girl is still learning to get long with others and we need to help her, she will grow out of it"

In yr one it was "Yes she has problems, we are working on it, no wonder your DD is upset we will try and seperate them in class but we can't tell them they can't speak to each other, this is the group the girl chooses to hang out with"

I'm really upset about it, I can see the difference in DD when this girl is kind for the few days it lasts

OP posts:
Original poster
BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 20:36

The girls mother apologises for her behaviour and rolls her eyes about her a lot. She is a nice woman and from what I see tries her best to help her DD but is also at a loss and probably very embarrassed and worried about it

OP posts:
worraliberty · 01/10/2011 20:37

The opening post doesn't mention this girl being a bully...just that the OP's DD is bullying her brother.

Although I have to say 'bullying' is probably the most misused word after 'racisim'

I don't think anyone's saying the girl shouldn't be responsible for her own behaviour....just that it's not helpful for the OP to blame her child's behaviour totally on this girl's influence.

Because there will always be bad influences around children...therefore they have to learn to cope with that and not copy.

AKMD · 01/10/2011 20:37

At this stage, I would formally ask that your DD moves class. She might well be upset at being split up from her group of friends, but she will very quickly make friends in her new class.

I have never thought that having SN means that someone can get away with bullying. It simply isn't fair on the victim.

MangoMonster · 01/10/2011 20:38

Maybe if you post on the special needs board, people who know about social difficulties might be able to give you advice. They are all lovely and won't be horrible to you but it might help you. They might have a plan of action that you can take to the teachers at the school. I'm sorry if I've come accross has harsh, I just dont see any easy answer to it apart from what you can control.