Not to understand dh's weird tv addiction and to feel controlled by it.

[bytheMoonlight]

Dh has a problem with me being on the laptop in the evenings. I wouldn't mind if it was because he wanted to talk or spend time together but it's because he wants me to watch telly with me. He gets annoyed if I miss bits of programmes and has even, in the past, told me I should like certain programmes and I am strange for not wanting to watch them.

I like some TV don't get me wrong (House is an addiction! Question time, QI - that's about it atm!) and then I'd rather be on the laptalk talking to people on Mumsnet, twitter, facebook, looking at recipes, blogs etc.

He talks about me being on the laptop as if its some sort of crime and he cannot understand that being on the laptop is no different to staring at the TV screen. A screen is a screen after all! He even goes so far as to slag off the websites I go on and the people I may be talking to (even though he knows nothing of mumsnet or my threads on it) I sit there baffled as to why he such a dislike and almost hatred of the laptop and the websites I go on.

I do not understand. He seems to think the TV is the right way to spend the evening and doing anything else (laptop or reading a book) is wrong. He sits there in complete silence, with his head resting in his hand so I cannot see his face, like he's physically trying to block me out and I know the silence means he won't say a word until I turn the computer off. I feel forced into shutting it down - and then we will have normal chitter chatter whilst watching telly.

The older he gets the worse he gets. I have never felt so controlled. He never used to be like this. I even feel like if I went upstairs to read or use the laptop he would self combust, well maybe a bit of an exagration but he would definitely get in a mood whilst pretending everything was fine.

Last night I suggested a night with no TV so we could talk - he immediately said no laptop then. Fine. Then he said no phone's - he has started to hate me texting people as well (mentioning how often I do it and what could I possibly be same at this time of night/morning/afternoon etc) It's all very bizarre. I said fair enough and then he started to lose it saying I wouldn't be able to cope without the laptop, I told him I was the one suggesting it so I would be happy to do it and then he started a verbal attack (again) on the websites I visit and then distracted and caused an argument over something else (he's very passive aggressive)

AIBU not to understand this attitude and to feel controlled?

Is this ALL about entertainment, Moonlight? Do you get to eat what you want, say, and have coffee if he drinks tea?

What are his family like? Did they all sit together and watch TV every night? Or is that his fantasy of what 'real' families or couples should do?

I would look into getting someone to help you think all this through objectively - a counsellor or someone bound to keep your confidence and where you can really be utterly honest with yourself.

It sounds very, very stressful and all about him.

I still stand by what I said before. This is not about TV.

The more you post OP the more it is clear that this is about control and him being the centre of attention.

I have read the op and nothing else (sorry) - my ex was exactly like this, but TBH it was the tip of the iceberg, he was an emotionally abusive, controlling, git. He hated me reading, or being on the internet, or putting on music that I had chosen. hmm

You noticed the bit about the music, but did you notice the bit about him being her EX ?

Sorry but I now think that you should get rid of this man as quickly as possible. DO you have DC? You don't mention any so hopefully not - you will be able to cut him out of your life and never have to see him again.
He is controlling and will escalate to physical abuse because as far as he is concerned you are not a human being. You're being treated like a disobedient pet that has to be trained.

I don't say anything any more, just pause and it rewind it a million times -thank god for sky +.

You are changing your behaviour to prevent him kicking off.

If I'm making him sound awful he isn't. Many people consider him lovely. You dont though, do you?

Do any of these ring a bell?

If you argue with him, he says you're stubborn.
If you're quiet, he argues with you anyway.
If you call him, he says you're needy and clingy.
If he calls you, he thinks you should be grateful.
If you don't act like you love him, he'll try to win you over.
If you tell him you love him, he takes advantage of you.
If you dress sexy, he says you're a slut.
If you don't dress nice, he says you look bad.
When you don't sleep with him, he says you don't love him.
If you do sleep with him, he only does it the way he likes it.
If you tell him your problems, he says you're bothering him,
If you don't, he says you don't trust him.
If you try to bring up a problem, he says you're bitching.
If he brings up a problem, he yells.
If you break a promise, you "can't be trusted".
If he breaks it, it's because "he had to".
If you cheat, he wants to punish you by locking you up or beating you.
If he cheats, he expects to be given another chance.

Is your partner controlling you?

Sandra Horley asks women to answer these questions :

? Do you feel you have to change your behaviour to please him?

? Has your partner ever threatened you, or intimidated you by using violent language or smashing up the furniture?

? Does your partner make it difficult for you to see family or friends? Does he expect you to be with him all the time? Is he jealous or possessive?

? Does he insist that the home and children are your responsibility, and refuse to help out, even if you both have full-time jobs?

? Does he get over-involved in your life, solving all your problems in a seemingly caring way, such as getting your car repaired, filling in the tax forms, making your decisions for you - until he has undermined your independence?

? Does he frequently humiliate and embarrass you, show you up or put you in the wrong - often in front of family or friends?

? Do you feel that whatever you do you cannot seem to please him - that you cannot seem to win?

? Do you feel as though he is always trying to catch you out?

? Does he always turn conversations around to centre on himself?

? Does he always have to be right? Does he constantly criticise and blame you or others for everything that is wrong in his life, rather than accept that he might have made a mistake?

If you recognise your relationship in this checklist, then your partner is emotionally abusing you by trying to control your life.

Read more: www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-106527/Recognising-Charm-Syndrome-Man.html#ixzz1ZlINTdyr

For once, the DM may have a point!

do you go out regularly to socialise with your friends?

when you order a takeaway is it what would be your first choice to order or are you compromising for a quiet life?

what about if you go out together anywhere as a couple/family? who chooses destination - what would happen if you chose?

how does he get on with your friends and family? Does he encourage you to spend time with them or does he go all passive aggressive and sulky?

The music and things are mentioned, I mentioned as they were linked to his control of the entertainment. It took me a long time to realise he controlled everything through his passive aggressive and sometimes slyly intimidating behaviour.

I wasn't allowed a dog (probably because he knew the dog would treat me better and I would have a companion), but I was told I could have a cat and what it would be called. Seriously.

He hated me mumsnetting - he was insecure about it.

He SULKED to high heaven if I wasn't constantly staring at him whilst he talked, he wanted constant eye contact while he talked or I was being 'rude' or 'disrespectful'. I was working from home at the time juggling childminding and an autistic child who needed a lot of attention.

I was met with sulking or disparaging comments on visiting family, going out with friends, if I suggested a takeaway or venue that I liked, I could go on and on TBH with examples OP but what I am trying to say is this behaviour gradually erodes at you until you are just there as a meek little shadow at his side, controlled by him.

That's what happened to me Whowhowho, I even ended up giving up a job I loved because he didn't want me working as he could support me!! What he wanted was to isolate me from everyone. Luckily we had no children, another thing he controlled.

yes just ditch the laptop for a bit

I had an ex who was on his computer playing games all the time but also wanted the tv on all the time to his channels, whilst also not allowing me to go out . . . or rather just making it very difficult if I did which is pretty much the same thing. It escalated very quickly to him hitting me.