Not to understand dh's weird tv addiction and to feel controlled by it.

[bytheMoonlight]

Dh has a problem with me being on the laptop in the evenings. I wouldn't mind if it was because he wanted to talk or spend time together but it's because he wants me to watch telly with me. He gets annoyed if I miss bits of programmes and has even, in the past, told me I should like certain programmes and I am strange for not wanting to watch them.

I like some TV don't get me wrong (House is an addiction! Question time, QI - that's about it atm!) and then I'd rather be on the laptalk talking to people on Mumsnet, twitter, facebook, looking at recipes, blogs etc.

He talks about me being on the laptop as if its some sort of crime and he cannot understand that being on the laptop is no different to staring at the TV screen. A screen is a screen after all! He even goes so far as to slag off the websites I go on and the people I may be talking to (even though he knows nothing of mumsnet or my threads on it) I sit there baffled as to why he such a dislike and almost hatred of the laptop and the websites I go on.

I do not understand. He seems to think the TV is the right way to spend the evening and doing anything else (laptop or reading a book) is wrong. He sits there in complete silence, with his head resting in his hand so I cannot see his face, like he's physically trying to block me out and I know the silence means he won't say a word until I turn the computer off. I feel forced into shutting it down - and then we will have normal chitter chatter whilst watching telly.

The older he gets the worse he gets. I have never felt so controlled. He never used to be like this. I even feel like if I went upstairs to read or use the laptop he would self combust, well maybe a bit of an exagration but he would definitely get in a mood whilst pretending everything was fine.

Last night I suggested a night with no TV so we could talk - he immediately said no laptop then. Fine. Then he said no phone's - he has started to hate me texting people as well (mentioning how often I do it and what could I possibly be same at this time of night/morning/afternoon etc) It's all very bizarre. I said fair enough and then he started to lose it saying I wouldn't be able to cope without the laptop, I told him I was the one suggesting it so I would be happy to do it and then he started a verbal attack (again) on the websites I visit and then distracted and caused an argument over something else (he's very passive aggressive)

AIBU not to understand this attitude and to feel controlled?

Surely the solution is to find some mutually enjoyable alternative and both of you can participate? I talk all day for a living, and so we spend those evenings we are together in a mostly companionable silence. Conversations are for the dining table. I'm probably not a good role model though, as I am widely regarded as being a bit odd If your DH feels isolated, then he needs to find company/distraction. It's hardly your job to entertain him.

I have a friend whose DH is like yours. If she goes away, they will text constantly and she will have to go off and ring him/take calls several times a night. I think I counted 7 times on one evening out. His problem is that she is the centre of his world. He is unemployed, has very few friends and is a bit... spoiled, I suppose. She doesn't seem to mind and he has always been like this, so they're used to each other.

YANBU

Bogeyface I thinks its about his insecurities, god forbid that she should do anything that takes her attention from him. But his selfishness wont allow him to compromise so that they do something they both like, no, she must do what he is doing and like it. He sounds like your average toddler to me and should be treated in the same way.

Yeah I agree.

I also do think he sounds tv obssesed.

I'm another one who would find it ridiculously controlling, not to mention suffocating, to be told what to do by dh and to not be allowed my own hobbies and interests.

I mean, we love each other and we love spending time together, but we're also two separate individuals who need time to enjoy separate interests. As someone said, how would a married person ever read a book if they had to be having couple time 24 bloody 7. Why the fuck should you not be able to surf the internet or what have you in some of your precious free time? Your other half doesn't own you!

Of course you should make time to talk and be together, but jeez, it just seems sinister and unhealthy to me if you are not able to do what you enjoy. Whatever that might be.

I would feel so suffocated that I would implode

But it's not just one sided. It was the op who said that she wanted the tv so she could be accused of not letting her dh do what he wants to do.

You like the laptop and he likes the tv so why not just let him zonk out in front of the telly while you're on the laptop and agree to spend other time in each others company doing neither? If he wants you to watch tv with him tell him you will if he goes on your 'rubbish' blogs with you. I'm sure he will then agree that it's good to sometimes do things on your own .

To be fair to him it is annoying if you want to have a conversation and the other person is absent-mindedly browsing the web on their laptop, checking their phone etc. That's quite rude behaviour, especially if you've arranged some no-TV time in order to spend time together and chat!

But then it's really weird that he insists on you watching TV with him, getting annoyed if you miss bits or don't want to watch certain programmes! Why can't he just watch it on his own, and if you want to join in and watch then you can? Is he generally not capable of doing anything on his own without your constant attention and hand-holding?

the tv off that should say

Perhaps you should stop phoning each other up during the day so much so that you reserve your proper chats for face to face. It's what DH and I do when he returns home around 8.30pm. We eat in the kitchen, at the table, no screens on, chatting. We reserve weekends for TV dinners when we've spent more day time hours together. Don't get me wrong, we both do like our screens and will often sit in the same room at night watching TV, surfing the net etc and often separately but during the week then I'd say the majority of our evenings are spent face to face chatting without screens. We'd miss so much of each other's lives otherwise (remember we barely telephone cha or even email during the work day)...

I haven't read it all but the solution is simple.
For a couple of evenings a week turn of the tv, mobile phone, and laptop, and find something to actually do together. The other evenings, let him watch his programmes and he lets you get on with what you are doing on your laptop, perhaps after you have had a nice half hour or so to have a proper conversation without screens.

But he won't eat without the TV!

In the evening once the kids are in bed and we sit down together we will have the tv on with things we have Sky+ and both of us will have our laptops open, DH will most likely be on his work laptop. We can both manage to watch tv, surf and we chat with each other as well. It's hardly rocket science.

I'd hate to have to watch hours of other peoples TV choice , I hardly watch any TV at all anyway as I fine it very boring and would end up being bored stupid watching footy etc

HE's a knob because he's insisting that the OP watch television programmes she doesn't have any interest in. What he's demonstrating is that he thinks the OP is an appendage to him and therefore should do what he wants rather than having time to herself.
I have never been very interested in TV, at least not for 30 years, but I remember how maddening it was some Christmases with my parents - the TV would be on, they would not just be watching it but trying to make me pay attention to whatever shit they were watching rather than letting me read a book.

I want to live in your house Ranty. I think I can browse the internet, chat nd watch the bits of telly I want to all at the same time.

Thanks Moonlight

I agree with SGB he's a knob.

I sympathise with you OP.

My XP would watch the same shit programmes on tv every night, and didn't understand why I was not interested.
I would go on the laptop while he was watching tv, purely because I had no interest in what he was watching. I didn't even understand the point of it tbh.
XP constantly moaned about the time I was on the laptop/told me I was addicted/preferred the laptop to him/made snide comments until I felt I had to switch off to shut XP's moaning up.
Yet when XP shut himself away in a bedroom with the tower pc, I was not expected to get pissed off, even though I explained to him that I was pissed off because I was expected to do the childcare/cooking/cleaning/housework while he spent hours and hours online upstairs.

XP didn't want me doing anything apart from watching crap on tv with him, the same crap every evening. If I switched the laptop off and read a book, he'd wonder why I wasn't watching tv. If I did some washing up in the other room, he'd constantly ask me to sit down and watch the tv.

I didn't want to.

Now, I go on the laptop when I want, I watch what I want on tv, when I want to, and I do my housework when I feel like it. Bliss!!!!

In my case, I think it was definitely about the amount of attention XP felt he wasn't getting.
As soon as he got home from work, he would get annoyed if we didn't spend all our time together doing what he wanted, unless he wanted to go on the pc upstairs, then I was free to do whatever I wanted so long as I did all the childcare/housework etc. It was a miserable way to spend every evening.

I have read the op and nothing else (sorry) - my ex was exactly like this, but TBH it was the tip of the iceberg, he was an emotionally abusive, controlling, git. He hated me reading, or being on the internet, or putting on music that I had chosen.

Have you ever read the Lundy Bancroft book? If you haven't give it a read and see if it rings any bells.

Oh god the music really rings a bell! We both used to listen to music all the time before we lived together but since moving in he never plays his anymore, (preferring to put the music channels on through the TV) and is always turning mine down and moaning about my choice of music and saying I should just play it through the TV. So much so, I've just realised I no longer play CD's in the house when he is in

I have started just putting the radio on instead, to a station we both enjoyed before we lived together. But he has started complaining about that because he says he now listens to a different station at work and I should try listening to that.

I said that I didn't like the station he mentioned as I don't like all the adverts and he got stroppy. Now when I turn the radio on, it is rarely tuned into our old station but either his new one or just white noise.

He says I am controlling because I want to listen to my music and just that one station. But I have stopped him playing his CD's and I thought we both enjoyed that station.

These days the stereo is pretty much redundant when he is home and music is played through the TV.

How did I not notice this before?

I mean I leave the stereo tuned into the station I enjoy but when I turn it back on it is never tuned into that station any more, even though I know he hasn't been listening to it.

And I also meant I have never stopped him playing his cd's.

Sorry wine has been taken

This is sounding more and more like the beginnings of a major problem, Moonlight. You are not supposed to have any interests or desires or thoughts of your own, because you are an appendage of him. He is the person in the house and everything revolves around him.

Having just read Moonlight's last posts SGB I fear you are right.

What SGB and Ranty said :(

He goes to the trouble of tuning your radio station out, even though he doesn't use the stereo? That's a bit scary & creepy, OP.

Is this why I don't recognise myself any more? Why when I think back to the way I used to be and the views I used to hold, it seems as if I am thinking of a different person.

The more you say about his behaviour, the more bizarre it seems. I honestly have no idea what could be going on here, what he's thinking or trying to do. You're not allowed to have any interests or preferences of your own, you have to watch the TV programmes that he chooses and can't do anything else while they're on, you have to listen to the radio station he's decided on and nothing else? This is really not normal!

I feel quite sad reading your latest post: "I don't recognise myself anymore". I think you need to re-discover yourself, start being yourself again. What do you think would happen if you did that?

A lot of stropping, sulking and undermining - for example he talks over the programmes I am watch, I don't mean usual chatter but so I cannot watch them. Which is not really fair as he doesn't do this during his programmes. When I mentioned this he said he was just talking to me and he should be allowed to talk to me.

I don't say anything any more, just pause and it rewind it a million times -thank god for sky +.

If I'm making him sound awful he isn't. Many people consider him lovely.