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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to understand dh's weird tv addiction and to feel controlled by it.

111 replies

bytheMoonlight · 01/10/2011 16:34

Dh has a problem with me being on the laptop in the evenings. I wouldn't mind if it was because he wanted to talk or spend time together but it's because he wants me to watch telly with me. He gets annoyed if I miss bits of programmes and has even, in the past, told me I should like certain programmes and I am strange for not wanting to watch them.

I like some TV don't get me wrong (House is an addiction! Question time, QI - that's about it atm!) and then I'd rather be on the laptalk talking to people on Mumsnet, twitter, facebook, looking at recipes, blogs etc.

He talks about me being on the laptop as if its some sort of crime and he cannot understand that being on the laptop is no different to staring at the TV screen. A screen is a screen after all! He even goes so far as to slag off the websites I go on and the people I may be talking to (even though he knows nothing of mumsnet or my threads on it) I sit there baffled as to why he such a dislike and almost hatred of the laptop and the websites I go on.

I do not understand. He seems to think the TV is the right way to spend the evening and doing anything else (laptop or reading a book) is wrong. He sits there in complete silence, with his head resting in his hand so I cannot see his face, like he's physically trying to block me out and I know the silence means he won't say a word until I turn the computer off. I feel forced into shutting it down - and then we will have normal chitter chatter whilst watching telly.

The older he gets the worse he gets. I have never felt so controlled. He never used to be like this. I even feel like if I went upstairs to read or use the laptop he would self combust, well maybe a bit of an exagration but he would definitely get in a mood whilst pretending everything was fine.

Last night I suggested a night with no TV so we could talk - he immediately said no laptop then. Fine. Then he said no phone's - he has started to hate me texting people as well (mentioning how often I do it and what could I possibly be same at this time of night/morning/afternoon etc) It's all very bizarre. I said fair enough and then he started to lose it saying I wouldn't be able to cope without the laptop, I told him I was the one suggesting it so I would be happy to do it and then he started a verbal attack (again) on the websites I visit and then distracted and caused an argument over something else (he's very passive aggressive)

AIBU not to understand this attitude and to feel controlled?

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 01/10/2011 19:05

I do wonder if there is a point about jealousy.

The TV is non interactive (unless you are the sucker that presses the red button to play along ) and is open to all in the room. Being on the internet is interactive by its very nature and you can get as personal as you like with other people on there. But it is a private thing, the other person in the room cant see what you are doing and I think that certain people may find that threatening. BUt of course instead of verbalising that they just snipe and moan which makes the whole thing worse.

I dont see that a man who shuts himself away in an office can criticize though, if he doesnt want you on the internet he should come out of his office and give you a reason to turn it off!

VivaLeBeaver · 01/10/2011 19:08

Oh believe me I have told my DH that.

And the funny thing is before he got his current job he was out of work for 2 years and spent all day and evening on the internet while I watched TV on my own. Now I'm online he doesn't like it!

valiumredhead · 01/10/2011 19:18

He thinks I spend all evening talking to fruit loops and the clinically insane online

Sums up MN beautifully I think

Original poster

bytheMoonlight · 01/10/2011 19:26

Bogeyface is your husband missing a twin? I think I may have married him

To those that say shut the down the screens - that was my suggestion if you read the op! I wanted one night a week to play board games, (dh would rather split his wrists) talk (dh would split his wrists) or otherwise (I would rather spli ... ) only joking before anyone jumps on that.

OP posts:

Emzar · 01/10/2011 19:27

I think it's Bogeyface is right, it's very likely that's what he gets upset about is that you're talking to people online, and I actually think he has a right to be a little upset. Using a computer does exclude anyone else in the room from what you're doing, however innocent.

I was in a very similar situation years back with a previous partner - he'd watch TV and I'd sit on the computer in the corner. We were in the same room, but I was talking to other people, and I genuinely think it damaged our relationship. There were many other reasons that we split up later, and I think what I was doing was a symptom of problems in the relationship, but I believe that if I had made an effort to break the habit of being on the computer in the evenings, and to spend time mentally as well as physically in the same room, we might have worked things out. I'm not by any means suggesting things are that serious with the OP, or that it would bother everyone, but I think it's worth taking what your partner is trying to tell you seriously.

I'm with a lovely new partner now, but I try and be more careful these days about the balance with things like that. OK, I'm sitting here now on my laptop while he's shooting aliens in a game ... :o ... but we'll both stop what we're doing and eat together in a bit, and maybe watch some TV or a film, but the difference with TV, I think, is that it's us together, and only us, present in the room.

Original poster

bytheMoonlight · 01/10/2011 19:34

I think the problem is our lack of time atm.

He works while I have the children (10 months and 3yrs) then when he finishes I go to work while he has the children.

I get about 7pm, do bedtime with the children, we eat dinner together (another sore point as he throws a fit if I try to turn the TV off during dinner) and then clear up together.

So our evening starts about 8ish, so we only really have a couple of hours a day where its time to ourselves. So we are both trying to cram everything in, the TV programmes we like, reading, things I want/need to do on the computer like doing the food shop online (no time in RL to be wasting in a supermarket).

DH works half of Saturday as well so as a family we only have from Saturday afternoon till Sunday evening together.

OP posts:

Original poster

bytheMoonlight · 01/10/2011 19:35

*I get home about 7pm

OP posts:

zest01 · 01/10/2011 19:45

We don't really get much more time than that - we have a big family so by the time all the essentials are done we don't gte to start the evning much before about 8 or 830, however I do think it's a bit sad that spending time together is not one of he things you both want to do! I like to come on MN's and facebook and a green living forum I like and I also like certain tv programmes. DH likes the x-box and different TV programmes however the one essential thing of an evening is at least 30 mins to do something with my husband if we are both home, even if that's just moaning about our respective days/annoying colleagues or whatever. Yes we have our own interests but if you find that you enjoy your laptop and he enjoys TV more than you enjoy catching up together then imo you have a problem!

Original poster

bytheMoonlight · 01/10/2011 19:54

We do spend half an hour together - clearing up!

But we already know each others day inside out by then as we chat constantly throughout the day on the phone. We have breakfast together at 6am then he phones me as long as he's left the office in the morning and is available to chat. We see each other in the afternoon in between him coming home and me leaving (sometimes half an hour, sometimes 5 mins on a bad day!) and then I phone around 5ish on my break to check everything is ok with the children and dinner. Then we do bedtime with the children together.

I didn't mean the time we get together during the day puts a strain on us (because I think we speak and interact more than most couples on a normal weekday). I meant we don't get a lot of 'me' time, the first time in a day I can consider doing say the online shop is 8pm, the first chance he gets to watch a programme is 8pm so fitting in everything we want to do before bed is tricky.

OP posts:

garlicslutty · 01/10/2011 20:04

Ok, it's looking even weirder You do get a healthy amount of everyday interaction and he could be sharing your online activities like the shopping, etc ... but he won't do without the TV? Even while you eat together??!

If it was purely about me-time, he'd be happy to watch TV without your help, wouldn't he? But he really, really wants YOU to watch what HE watches.

It actually is starting to look like addicted behaviour! How odd. Well, either that or controlling. In a weird addicted sort of way.

garlicslutty · 01/10/2011 20:05

Have you ever involved him in your stuff? What happens?

Bogeyface · 01/10/2011 20:46

We had the strop over no TV during dinner until I put my foot down. He is still not happy about it but the kids end up watching instead of eating, then he gets annoyed with them for messing with their food or complaining it is cold etc. Or he complains that they are talking and he cant hear the TV. Its absolutely pathetic, he is a slave to the thing. If there is nothing on then I will turn it off (I dont actually have it on if it is only me in the house) but he just find the least shit thing and watch that. He has been known to watch programs he hates rather than do without.

He also has an Archos digital recorder/viewer thingy with loads of films on that he can watch on the bus etc. Its ridiculous, it really is. However unlike the OPs OH, he does talk to me when he is watching and I am reading/surfing etc and doesnt have a problem with me doing something else.

garlicslutty · 01/10/2011 21:07

he does talk to me when he is watching and I am reading/surfing etc and doesnt have a problem with me doing something else

That just means you're living successfully in the 21st century, doesn't it, Bogeyface? :)

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 01/10/2011 21:17

He has a strop if you turn off the tv during dinner and has a strop that you don't like the same programs as him? Weird.

Bogeyface · 01/10/2011 21:41

I believe it does Garlic! We each do what we like to do and we dont have a problem with what the other one does (now anyway, it wasnt always like this!), but the sulking and refusing to interact with the OP because she wont do exactly what he wants is not about TV imo.

madonnawhore · 01/10/2011 21:51

OP it sounds exhausting and controlling to me. I wouldn't like to live with that.

AmorYCohetes · 01/10/2011 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springydaffs · 01/10/2011 22:06

You two need a screen ban imo. I think you are both as addicted as each other from what you have said.

My dd had a complete meltdown when I got too involved on a website some years back. She loathed my laptop with a passion and refused to be in the same room as me when I was on it. She was right, I was addicted to it.

the internet is totally absorbing imo, to the point where you can lose track of time and a half hour (at least) flies by without you noticing. imo it is extremely isolating to be in the same room with someone who is glued to the internet/laptop - who is there but not there. I'm not surprised your DH hates it and wants you both to enjoy something - anything - together.

troisgarcons · 01/10/2011 22:14

Yeah well, the day I get excited about Chelski V Munchaushen Scratchen Backens or the Twenny Twenny Criketty thing is the day I slit my wrists and bleed all over the terrace.

Televison should be banned. Period.

hmmmm "settles down to toy with all the imaginary people in my sphere"

voddiekeepsmesane · 01/10/2011 22:15

wow can't beleive partners are like this to each other. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE controls what I do with my evening. If DP (been together 10 years) ever tried to tell me what to do with my time I would tell him where to put it :)

We have our own interests in an evening and our tastes in TV are very different so usually it's just one watching telly while the other is reading/ on the computer.

We coverse sometimes and not others depending on how engrossed we are in whatever we are doing at the time. I/we are not insecure enough to think if we do not speak to one another in a couple of hours that we are in trouble

voddiekeepsmesane · 01/10/2011 22:17

*converse

garlicslutty · 01/10/2011 22:24

OP's H has also tried forcing her to like the shows he likes, and strops if she wants to read.

It's not about t'internet. It's about television-related weirdness.

Bogeyface · 01/10/2011 23:07

I thinks its about his insecurities, god forbid that she should do anything that takes her attention from him. But his selfishness wont allow him to compromise so that they do something they both like, no, she must do what he is doing and like it.

He sounds like your average toddler to me and should be treated in the same way.

SardineQueen · 02/10/2011 12:24

The idea that he would get pissed off about you doing the weekly grocery shop is mind-boggling.

I think he sounds a bit odd and I think YANBU but I have little advice I'm afraid.

SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 02/10/2011 14:01

TBH you both sound as antisocial as each other. He slags you off for going on the computer too much and you think he is obsessed with the telly. Why not agree to put some time aside each evening to do stuff together without laptop/phone/tv and then some time that you can use the laptop while dh watches tv or even one evening that you spend together and another evening when you do your own thing?

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