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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he shouldn't have been in the girls changing rooms at swimming.

121 replies

LittleMissWoodscommaElle · 28/09/2011 20:49

No, its not what you think. I have argued on threads that children up to the age of about 8 or 9 should be allowed in opposite sex changing rooms but this was astounding.

Ds has a swimming lesson in a secondary school pool. The changing rooms are completeley communal with no cubicles as are many school pools.

A little girl was in there with her nan and GRANDAD both helping her to get changed.

Usually the teacher of the little ones is in there at that time as her classes finish for the night then but tonight she stayed doing stuff by the pool (she gets in the pool with the little ones) still there were children form the age of about 10-13 getting changed.

What was he thinking - and why did none of us mums challenge him? Too wuss I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMissWoodscommaElle · 28/09/2011 21:31

she looked younger than 7 to give them their due she looked around 5 or 6

OP posts:
TeaOneSugar · 28/09/2011 21:33

I'd have told him to leave, no need for him to be there at all, completely inappropriate.

griphook · 28/09/2011 21:36

Ephiny agree with you. Someone should have asked him to leave as it was inappropriate him being there.

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 28/09/2011 21:41

YANBU He shouldn't have been there.

GossipWitch · 28/09/2011 21:46

Tbh I find it odd that nanny and grandad have to help a teenager get dressed ffs! my 3 year old can dress him self!!!

GossipWitch · 28/09/2011 21:48

Oh sorry didn't see the little girl bit ... my apologies ...

ToothbrushThief · 28/09/2011 22:04

I was in this exact situation but Mum & Dad both came into the ladies change room. Mum changed the child and dad stood there like a spare part.

It's not unreasonable to say that a father should not enter the female changing room....Especially when his presence was not required. I was changing to enter the pool myself and was forced to leave the ladies changing room and use the disabled toilet. I did complain and the man glared at me and assumed I was accusing him of being a paedophile.

WTF does asking a man to leave the ladies changing area mean I think he's a paedo? It means I'd like to change in peace and not undress in front of a man. I'd strip off poolside if this was the case? the changing rooms are designated per sex for a reason. Little girls (and for all I know boys...I have DD's) do feel uncomfortable with an adult male or even their male school friends staring at them naked.

What is so hard to understand about that?

ToothbrushThief · 28/09/2011 22:07

I often see on these threads people posting that girls who don't happily strip in front of men or boys have a problem ....which their parent must have given them. I think the age at which a child suddenly feels self conscious is individual and it is really wrong to insist they must strip in the cause of political correctness

DownbytheRiverside · 28/09/2011 22:10

So why did no one walk up and politely ask him to leave as his presence was not appropriate? No point in posting here if the bloke is still unaware that mothers found his presence uncomfortable.

ToothbrushThief · 28/09/2011 22:14

Probably

  1. fear of confrontation
  2. fear of being wrong in their thoughts
  3. swayed by the fact that no one else spoke out
  4. worried about upsetting the man
  5. disbelief and taken by surprise so unable to assess their thoughts and decide they were in the right
WishIwereAtTheWiesnProst · 28/09/2011 22:15

ToothbrushThief i'd have complained to the management, a normal man would have realized he made an error, apologised (been mortified) and backed out quickly.

But because he doesn't want to you have a problem. So clearly his feelings are more important than yours.

exoticfruits · 28/09/2011 22:16

I would just have said 'excuse me-but this is a female changing room'.

Original poster
LittleMissWoodscommaElle · 28/09/2011 22:18

Pretty spot on Toothbrush. We were obviously all cowards.

There was no managment as such available. The swim school hire the pool for thre afternoon and the man who runs the classes was teaching along with the other teachers. Classes run back to back I struggle ever to speak to anyone to be honest. I waited to catch a word with ds's teacher tonight. She spoke to one mum then went straight up the other end of the pool to start teaching the next class.

OP posts:
lurkinginthebackground · 28/09/2011 22:19

YADNBU.
I would have either told him that this is the women's changing room and waited for him to leave. If he made no attempt to do so i would have then told a member of staff and waited until they told him to leave.
Also would not be happy with communal changing only. I don't want to see the world's privates or anything else for that matter.

Original poster
LittleMissWoodscommaElle · 28/09/2011 22:22

I don;t mind the open plan changing for ds as one of the reasons I like the lessons there is that he goes there with school and lots of his classmates also go so he was familiar with the place and he isn't usually good at joining in clubs/classes.

OP posts:
RebelFromTheWaistDown · 28/09/2011 22:24

YABU to be perving over someone else's Grandad while he's getting changed. Poor old man! Find yer own Grandad to perve over if that's what you're into. Hmm

Original poster
LittleMissWoodscommaElle · 28/09/2011 22:27

Grandad wasn't getting changed - his grandaughter was after her swimming lesson

psst he had his socks and sandals on too despite the no shoes sign (you have to remove them before entering the changing room)

OP posts:
ToothbrushThief · 28/09/2011 22:31

I'm sure he was there innocently and oblivious to the fact he was not welcome (the sandals and socks have influenced this train of thought Wink)

Another time a polite would you mind waiting outside the ladies changing room might help

herbietea · 28/09/2011 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kelly2000 · 28/09/2011 22:43

I really do not get why this is an issue. It was a female changing room, he was not female therefore he had no right to be there. The idea that men have the right to go into a changing room where women and young girls are naked, and then act as if they have the problem and are slandering him if they do not want him to see them naked is absurd. Just because someone does not find you sexually attractive it does not mean you loose your right to dignity and privacy, and that goes for children too.
Toothbrush, So you asked him to leave and he refused. I would have gone straight to management, and tell them that a man was in the changing room and refusing to leave when asked, and let him see how fast they called the police when he refused to get out.
Going into the female changing room does not always mean a man is dodgy refusing to leave and being unpleasent when asked to leave is certainly dodgy.

lesley33 · 29/09/2011 06:36

I totally agree toothbrush. I wouldn't want to change in front of a man I hadn't chosen to get undressed in front of and I wouldn't expect my DD to either. Doesn't mean I am accusing the man of being dodgy.

gorionine · 29/09/2011 06:52

Are you happy being naked in front of strange men in the female changing room, or is it just children who have to put up with being naked in front of strangers of the opposite sex.

I really wish I had written that! We too often as adult assume that it is OK for children to put up with things that would really not make us comfortable. I totally agree with you and I think OP would have got every right to challenge the man. On top of being a male in a female changing room, he had absolutely no excuse to be there as the grandmother was there to help the little girl. surely it does not require 2 adults to change a little girl. If grandad had been on his own with her I might be more understanding but in the circumstances described by OP, NO WAY I would have kept my mouth shut!

ForYourDreamsAreChina · 29/09/2011 07:03

No he obviously shouldn't have been.
Yes, he obviously didn't realise. No, I doubt anybody's 5 yr old has been scarred for life because there was a Grandad in the wrong place.

Catslikehats · 29/09/2011 07:16

Obviously he shouldn't have been there but why on earth did no one challenge him?

More importantly who are all these woman that accompany 10-13 year olds into changing rooms. If I am not swimming/gymnastic-ing/ballet-ing/rugby-ing then my kids get pointed in teh direction of the cahnging rooms and sort themselves out whilst I MN They are 5 & 6 Confused

FlubbaBubba · 29/09/2011 07:26

I wouldn't have challenged him as it sounds like he was bumbling along and chatting to his wife and GC, but I might have mentioned it to the pool staff later so that they could enforce it.

Also depends on the size of the changing rooms - if everyone's elbows were in each other's arses, I would have said something to him along the lines of "I'm about to get changed, would you mind waiting outside?", but if it was a big changing room and he was oblivious to others around him (as it sounds like he was), then I'd have left it.