WARNING LONG!! AIBU to be really fucked off with my neighbours and not know what is the right thing to do?

[littlemisssarcastic]

My 3yr old DD is a headbanger. This has been going on since she was 9 months old. I have seen my health visitor and my GP numerous times, yet they wouldn't refer DD to a paediatric consultant until she was 3, apparently the majority of DC who do headbang grow out of it by their 3rd birthday, and this is why they don't refer until after the 3rd birthday. I was advised to ignore the headbanging as much as possible, since health visitor and GP both agreed DD was probably doing it to get my attention or get something she wants. The HV and GP explained to me that although it looks violent, DD is not harming herself.

Unfortunately, I cannot ignore the behaviour because, apart from the dreadful noise, the neighbours bang very long and very loudly on the adjoining wall if they hear any noises including banging going on in my house. They bang so hard, my walls and floor vibrate.

I have spoken to the neighbour and explained that DD is headbanging, that I am very sorry and that I am doing everything I can to stop it happening. I explained that DD has seen GP's and HV but they wont refer her on until she is 3. Neighbour agreed there wasn't much more I can do. (This was a while ago.)

Instead of ignoring, I quietly remove DD from wherever she is banging, and put her on a bean bag or I try to distract her.(Told neighbour this too) DD very quickly goes back to banging again, so I can be picking her up and removing her up to 60 times a day.

The neighbours have continued banging every time they hear DD banging. DD doesn't bang for more than a few seconds before I have removed her from wherever she is banging, so it is those few seconds of banging that makes neighbours bang back for a good 30 seconds. Neighbours have banged so long and so loud that DD has wet herself because she was so frightened. The main culprits who are banging apart from my DD are the 2 sons living next door, one is 20 and the other is 17. The mother of these men next door has told me that she has had to restrain her eldest from coming to my house to have a go at me over the banging.

When DD was 3, I went back to my health visitor, who referred DD to a community paediatrician. Community paediatrician has told me to continue distracting, removing, and not making a fuss. I have explained to community paediatrician that I cannot ignore because of the trouble it causes with my neighbours, so I have to continue with the distracting/removing. Community paediatrician reassured me that DD will grow out of it, although she doesn't know when.

DD only ever bangs during the daytime, she sleeps all night. I know that is no consolation for the neighbours and I do understand why they are annoyed, but I do not know what to do next.

I feel it is all a little unfair tbh. Next door bang their front door shut (no it is not stiff) every night, as an example..last night they banged their front door shut between 8-11pm at least 30 times. They have also been drilling every night this week after DD has gone to bed. (After 8 pm). DD is a light sleeper, and I think this is inconsiderate, but I don't start hammering on the walls, I just grit my teeth and ignore.

I have even kept quiet while the eldest DC next door was honking his car horn long and loud outside the house at 11.20 pm the other week.

I am just getting really fucked off with the audacity of them to hammer on the walls when they could knock at my door and discuss politely, instead of trying to intimidate or frighten my DD and I, as well as continuing to make all the noise they do without a single thought for us. (Shouldn't both neighbours try to consider the others, instead of one doing as they please and the other running their lives around what will or will not piss their neighbours off?) My eldest DC wouldn't dream of hammering on anyone's wall. I have known the men that live next door since they were born, yet not always lived next door to them, and I feel like I am being bullied by them. My life seems to revolve around keeping the neighbours happy, yet they have no consideration at all.

So AIBU to want to go round their and have a rant at them and ask them wtf they want me to do to stop them banging on my bloody walls, even though I am not comfortable with appeasing bullies?

Your neighbours sound amoeba-brained, sadly

And having read your update, what a nasty foul old witch, I am impressed you managed not to slap her.

I'd be continuously reporting her to the HA for verbal abuse /harassment, they have prob had complaints about her before

I would report her and get other neighbours to back you up if its HA they may by able to do something about her. DS head banged for years it was a comfort thing no-one complained about him despite his bedroom wall adjoining neighbours bedroom and her DH at the time was a postie and was up at 5.

And if you ae on friendly terms with XP, could he go round and ask WTF they think they are doing?

Since she is listening to your phone calls, perhaps we can script you a fake call to the police to read out.

I would definitely start taking the advice the docs have given you and start to ignore your dd. If the neighbours bang anyway then it's not gonna make a difference. She's had years of your attention when she does it and as you say it's a habit now but ignoring her might just do the trick. And do your best to ignore when they bang back and just make a note of it.
Your neighbour sounds completely loopy. Definitely need to start writing evidence for eh and ha. I hope you get it sorted.

soupdragon

Fab idea....serve the old bat right for eavesdropping!!

"Hello is that the police community harrasment office?? (insert made up department of choice)

Yes I'd like to book an appointment for someone to come round & have a chat about a problem I have. (deliberately DON'T name the neighbour)

Tuesday at 3pm? (make sure it's a time when she will bed at work).....errrrr yes that would be wonderful thank you see you then"

OP...Might not be a good idea if you think it would inflame her but you can have some fun on here scripting stuff for her to overhear!!!

be at work grrr flaming jumpy mouse....

Thanks everyone.

I will keep you all updated as to what happens now. The ironic thing is that since the argument yesterday afternoon, DD has not headbanged at all, but as I said earlier, she is not doing it as much anymore, even though neighbour claims it is going on every hour of every day!!!
So apart from her or her lads banging the front door hard last night, all has been quiet.

HA just phoned me and told me they are going to see her this afternoon. She has agreed to see them, they have told her it is a house inspection, but will be raising the issues we're having with the banging too.

I hope she doesn't think to knock on my door and try to give me a half hearted apology as usual, because I woke up still quite angry.

I always suspected she didn't have a very high opinion of me, but at least we both know where we stand now. I told her she looks down her nose at everyone and is a stuck up bitch who needs to learn boundaries, and keep her beak out, and she told me I am MENTALLY DERANGED AND A RUBBISH LAZY PARENT AND THAT SHE LISTENS IN ON MY CONVERSATIONS WHENEVER SHE CAN!!!

Grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

I have always had problems with worrying what other people think and whether they like me or not....and it's not nice to have the gossip of the village possibly telling everyone she can that I am mentally deranged and a rubbish lazy parent. Mind you, I am too angry to care what my neighbour thinks of me now. The damage has been done. The HA said they want to put the idea to her of mediation and asked me to think of some compromises I can come up with?? I can't think of any tbh, not now. Everything I have tried has not pleased my neighbour, so why should I take her abuse and then try to appease her anymore.

I understand that DD's headbanging is annoying, and that it pisses her and her family off, but to say the things she did was and is unforgivable imo.
I would never have been so bloody rude as to do that. Mind you, she has always been like that....she used to go to her DS's nativity plays/harvest assemblies etc to judge other parents on their clothes/shoes/bags etc. She would say to me "Did you see that mother...she had brown coat and blue handbag?"

I told her that I go to assemblies to see my DS perform, not to notice other parents. Apparently, I am weird!! And her friend thought it was weird not to notice either. Maybe these judgy people tend to gravitate towards each other. God knows what she's telling the rest of our small village about me.

I'm surprised she has time to gossip, since she cleans her show house for 3/4 hours a day. She's the only mother I know who had pristine deep pile cream carpet downstairs from when her DS's were 3 and 4 years old. She'd proudly tell people how she spent hours cleaning it every week. I suppose compared to her, I am a lazy parent.

OP how you managed to not smack her in the mouth I'll never know!!!

I agree with Hully btw! and love soupdragons fake phonecall. That has to be the one.

If it's any consolation your not alone with having a neighbour like this - my friends neighsbour DD would knock at 6pm because her DD2 (6) was singing!! My friends neighbours DD (then 15) was actually allowed to come round and threaten my friend when her DD1 (7) woke up having a nightmare. My friend just told her that she couldn't calm her down whilst talking on her stopstep so shut the door and the dad came round and pretty much said what you neighbour said.

I'll speak to her and see if she has any advice for you. She dealt with it quite quickly and I'm sure rang SS herself because she was so worried he would.

pictish I was so close yesterday to punching her that I knew if I took one more step towards her, I'd have lamped her one, so I had to walk away at that point. She seemed to be having real problems stopping herself giggling and laughing when I was talking.

BOO That sounds awful....a 15 year old threatening an adult???
What a nightmare for your friend. I'm interested to know how she resolved it, if you don't mind asking her. I'd appreciate that.

I live in a small village,& sympathise....you know you SHOULDN'T give a flying F what people say or think about you but you do as you want to get on with the locals.

TBH though it sounds like you are not the only one to have the rough end of your neighbours weirdness so it's more likely to be a case of folk saying

" God how does LittleMissS put up with that f-awful woman as a neighbour"

Glad you are getting support from the HA- I suspect they have had complaints before, it might be helping them to have your input.

Blimey, that's horrible. Poor you and dd, having to live next door to such stupid, selfish, cruel people. I do hope the HA is doing something about your appalling neighbours.

Forgot to say, my little sister used to headbang. She did it to get to sleep. It looked so violent, even as a child myself I used to wonder how on earth she could bear it. Thankfully she grew out of it (sorry, can't remember what age) and it never did her any damage.

TBH the first time they had made my duaghter so scared she wet herself I would have phone the police ,

I know thats not much help now , how dare the mother complain when shes failed to bring up 2 young men who thinks its okay to terrorise a young child and woman, shes really not in a position to casue you problems.

next time call the police, im so angry for you op.

I know it's easier said than done, but I would try not to worry about what she says about you. You ignored what she said about other people, so I imagine most sane people would do likewise. And I don't suppose you'd want to be friends with the type of people who'd be her cronies anyway.

Right, listen - who gives a flying fuckity fuck what a complete twat like her thinks!?! She is a nasty and spiteful little bitch who wants to see you upset. Don't EVER show her you are upset. The best way to piss her off is to laugh at her and stand up for yourself. As for the HA - let them know just what a bully she is and how unreasonable she is. I feel like lamping her for you!

OK, spoke to my friend. She said that many neighbours had overheard the commotion and many approched her. They said they would all speak to SS and poilce if they were called.
They never were. She thinks basically because the neighbours knew that she wasn't in the wrong and they had made threats to her on her property. She did however say it left her feeling awful everytime one of her DC's shouted, argued, tantrummed but in time that she has just relaxed about it and realised it's normal and her neighbour saying their DC's never behaved that way because they didn't allow it is bollox!!

She did however also say she really feels for you and and syas she seconds the advice on here re EH, HA and police for threats.

Well, I'm assuming HA have done their inspection next door, but I haven't heard from HA yet. They were supposed to be phoning me yesterday afternoon, but didn't, so I will phone HA on Monday and ask my housing officer if the banging problems were raised (as housing officer said she would mention it if neighbour didn't) and what is going to happen now.

DD began headbanging again this morning at 9am while I was making her breakfast in the kitchen. Usually, I would rush in and do whatever it took to stop her...this time, I ignored it, as all the health professionals have advised.
I'm sure it pissed the neighbours off but I am past caring now. Funnily enough, they didn't bang back, even though I imagine they are all at home. (Maybe housing officer has asked them to keep a diary of the noise and how long it goes on for, for all the good it's going to do )

Thanks for all your comments, they are helping me.

She does have alot of friends, and now I come to think of it, all the people I know who she is friendly with are all very very materialistic. Her friends are all more concerned with the lastest designer gear, dressing their DC in little ugg boots and monsoon dresses, driving BMW's and having gym memberships, haircuts at vidal sassoon every 6 weeks. She doesn't want to associate with anyone who isn't that way inclined and that includes me. (Lucky me!! )
Appearances don't matter as much to me as they do to her and I guess she doesn't understand that. I don't spend my life shopping in designer stores, cleaning and gardening, polishing and wiping, and all the people she gets along with do.
Every boyfriend she has ever had (apart from her XH who was into petty crime so they could afford their lifestyle just about) has had to have money or a well paying job before she will consider dating them. I'm just not like that. That's probably why she looks down her nose at me.
I wish I didn't give a hoot what people thought of me, but that's something I have to work on. My house is clean and tidy but it's no showhome, unlike next doors.

Rollon What could the police have done?

edam That is reassuring. I'm sure DD will grow out of it. I hope she will.

Zonkedout I do ignore what she says, because she is so judgy about other people, I couldn't give a flying fuck if someone is poor or dresses in charity shop clothes, it's what they're like as people that is more important imo. OTOH, the witch only associates with likeminded people and they'll probably agree with her that I am an unfit mother and a disgusting vile person (because my garden is littered with toys for DD and I don't clean it up and I don't polish the blades of grass on the lawn, ha ha ha)

runningwilde Your post has made me smile, not sure if it was supposed to, but I totally agree. I wont show her I'm bothered or upset anymore.

BOO Thanks for your post..please thank your friend on my behalf for her advice?

What annoys me is that my neighbour has never had a headbanger child, seems to think that I should do whatever it takes to stop DD headbanging, even though that is not the best way of dealing with it as far as health professionals are concerned, but obviously my neighbour knows better.
Neighbour assumes I have done nothing about it, without asking me or waiting for me to say..she just assumes, as usual, that I have done nothing because it is still going on. Therefore I am a rubbish mother.
The fact she has been listening in on my conversations (and knowing her has passed this misinformation onto her cronies like she has done before) has got my blood boiling. SS have never tried to take my DD away from me..they were investigating false allegations made by my XP because they were obliged to investigate (as they are every allegation).
But according to my neighbour, SS have already been involved because they have tried to take my DD away because I am such a shit mother.

Neighbour has done this before...jumped to conclusions and told people these conclusions as if they are fact, even though they are most definitely not.

I will have the whole bloody village pointing at me, pitying my DD, because 'There goes Littlemisssarcastic...terrible mother...had SS involved trying to take her DD away from her...her DD's face is covered in bruises from headbanging and the silly cow does nothing'

FWIW DD's face is NOT covered in bruises at all. I have some mners on my facebook and there are pics of DD from 2 days ago, not a bruise in sight. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!! God I hate my fucking neighbour and her gossiping bitchiness!!!

Miss fucking holier than thou!!!! Argghhhhhh.

I don't want to be the laughing stock of the village, of course I don't. More than that, I don't want DD to be pitied or pointed at because of a neighbour who listens to snippets of a conversation deliberately and then fills in the blanks herself as though they are fact!!!

When XP was here, if we were in the garden at 10pm (XP smoked) she would suddenly decide to sweep her patio IN THE DARK to listen to what we were saying. She has already told lots of people that XP got me into debt...she can't overhear and keep anything to herself...it's juicy gossip to her.....but it's my fucking life she's talking about. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

ANd when I say that my garden is littered with DD's toys, I meant my back garden, which is for my own use only and is fenced in.
The front garden is always kept clear of toys and mowed and trimmed regularly. Not a toy in sight on the front garden. It is always tidy out the front.

Neighbour hates that my back garden is not to her taste though...after all, she can look out of her bedroom windows and see it.

I would put a big pile of manure in your garden and watch her combust!