WARNING LONG!! AIBU to be really fucked off with my neighbours and not know what is the right thing to do?

[littlemisssarcastic]

My 3yr old DD is a headbanger. This has been going on since she was 9 months old. I have seen my health visitor and my GP numerous times, yet they wouldn't refer DD to a paediatric consultant until she was 3, apparently the majority of DC who do headbang grow out of it by their 3rd birthday, and this is why they don't refer until after the 3rd birthday. I was advised to ignore the headbanging as much as possible, since health visitor and GP both agreed DD was probably doing it to get my attention or get something she wants. The HV and GP explained to me that although it looks violent, DD is not harming herself.

Unfortunately, I cannot ignore the behaviour because, apart from the dreadful noise, the neighbours bang very long and very loudly on the adjoining wall if they hear any noises including banging going on in my house. They bang so hard, my walls and floor vibrate.

I have spoken to the neighbour and explained that DD is headbanging, that I am very sorry and that I am doing everything I can to stop it happening. I explained that DD has seen GP's and HV but they wont refer her on until she is 3. Neighbour agreed there wasn't much more I can do. (This was a while ago.)

Instead of ignoring, I quietly remove DD from wherever she is banging, and put her on a bean bag or I try to distract her.(Told neighbour this too) DD very quickly goes back to banging again, so I can be picking her up and removing her up to 60 times a day.

The neighbours have continued banging every time they hear DD banging. DD doesn't bang for more than a few seconds before I have removed her from wherever she is banging, so it is those few seconds of banging that makes neighbours bang back for a good 30 seconds. Neighbours have banged so long and so loud that DD has wet herself because she was so frightened. The main culprits who are banging apart from my DD are the 2 sons living next door, one is 20 and the other is 17. The mother of these men next door has told me that she has had to restrain her eldest from coming to my house to have a go at me over the banging.

When DD was 3, I went back to my health visitor, who referred DD to a community paediatrician. Community paediatrician has told me to continue distracting, removing, and not making a fuss. I have explained to community paediatrician that I cannot ignore because of the trouble it causes with my neighbours, so I have to continue with the distracting/removing. Community paediatrician reassured me that DD will grow out of it, although she doesn't know when.

DD only ever bangs during the daytime, she sleeps all night. I know that is no consolation for the neighbours and I do understand why they are annoyed, but I do not know what to do next.

I feel it is all a little unfair tbh. Next door bang their front door shut (no it is not stiff) every night, as an example..last night they banged their front door shut between 8-11pm at least 30 times. They have also been drilling every night this week after DD has gone to bed. (After 8 pm). DD is a light sleeper, and I think this is inconsiderate, but I don't start hammering on the walls, I just grit my teeth and ignore.

I have even kept quiet while the eldest DC next door was honking his car horn long and loud outside the house at 11.20 pm the other week.

I am just getting really fucked off with the audacity of them to hammer on the walls when they could knock at my door and discuss politely, instead of trying to intimidate or frighten my DD and I, as well as continuing to make all the noise they do without a single thought for us. (Shouldn't both neighbours try to consider the others, instead of one doing as they please and the other running their lives around what will or will not piss their neighbours off?) My eldest DC wouldn't dream of hammering on anyone's wall. I have known the men that live next door since they were born, yet not always lived next door to them, and I feel like I am being bullied by them. My life seems to revolve around keeping the neighbours happy, yet they have no consideration at all.

So AIBU to want to go round their and have a rant at them and ask them wtf they want me to do to stop them banging on my bloody walls, even though I am not comfortable with appeasing bullies?

Littlemiss,
As headbanging is a medical issue, it really cannot be used against you if you have done what you can as otherwise it would be discrimination I belivee.

Ths sounds like a horribly stressful situation for you.

Some posters have mentioned mediation (some councils provide it, I believe). I wonder whether it would be helpful to get mediation between you and your neighbour's sons - to enable you to explain to them directly what's happening with your dd, what steps you are taking to deal with the situation, and how their banging on the walls makes you and your dd feel. It sounds as if it would be difficult to do this informally - a chat over the fence, if you see what I mean - due to their lack of maturity and aggression, etc - but a mediation would provide a safe environment for you to really be heard, and the mediator could help you and the neighbours work out an agreement that would suit all parties.

unpa1dcar3r I am definitely going to ring them first thing tomorrow. What happened in your situation? Has the noise stopped?

OP could you ask the HA about installing some professional standard sound proofing on the grounds that your DD has a medically recognised issue and you have done all that you can as the householder? You could emphasise that this would benefit both your family and your neighbours.

That's a good idea carabos!! Would this be an easy job and would it be costly at all? If HA thought it would be expensive, they may not be keen. Sounds great from neighbours and my perspective though.

Hi I just wanted to add my support too. Have had similar issues. The main difference between them and your DD is that they would be viewed in society as young adults and therefore should have a modicum of control over their actions, and the ability to understand how they are impacting on you. Your DD is a child, she has no concept that what she is doing could impact on anyone. As is medical disability discrimination act may be worth a look. Legally I should imagine they would appear to be wholly unreasonable.

I am missing at least one vomma

Thanks PANCHEY. I agree with you, just hope housing/EH do too.

While still following up with all the logical things like HA and environmental health and all that, you could always, every single time they start banging, go round and ask, all sweetness and light, "Excuse me, would you mind keeping the noise down please?" Either one of them will have a go at you and you can report them for threatening behaviour or they might be shamed by seeing you face-to-face and you can then explain directly to the boys exactly what the noise is (i.e. not sending the message through the mother).

An update.

Neighbour banging on my walls this afternoon (again) so went round because I am sick of the neighbours banging, and wanted to discuss it calmly, and try to explain what I have done to help DD stop headbanging since we last spoke. (DD has reduced the headbanging alot tbh, and now prefers to chant and rock, which is some improvement imo.)

It was the mother who answered the door, and she admitted straightaway that she had been banging back, which took me a little by surprise tbh, because she has always said it was her sons who banged on the walls.

She then launched into full verbal attack mode, and didn't let me get a word in edgeways.
She accused me of letting DD bang her head every hour of every day (not true and neighbour works full time so not sure how she worked this one out) and said I was a shit mother for not telling DD to stop (apparently she can hear through the walls if I tell DD to stop and she says I didn't on this occasion ) and a neglectful mother for not getting DD a polystyrene helmet or stopping her doing it by whatever means it took. Had I not considered distracting her? Why don't I do something instead of sitting on my arse just watching it happen? What sort of a mother am I? Obviously an inferior one, who has already had SS try to take my DD away! (again not true, but there are other threads where I have mentioned SS involvement in DD's and my life).

Neighbour just spewed all of these parenting gems at me, whilst sneering at me and asking me Are you really so stupid as to let your DD headbang and do nothing?? She deserves a better mother than you, but that wouldn't be difficult would it, since you're mentally deranged, the way you go on, I've been listening to your phone calls when you've had your kitchen door open, or you've been in your garden and I am telling you, you need to shape up as a mother or SS will come and take that child away from you!!! Sort your fucking parenting out!!!

I do stop DD headbanging, against all the medical advice I have had, which is to ignore it. I try to be considerate to my neighbour, and I did try to explain (when neighbour stopped for breath) that DD was only 3, and neighbour and her DC are all adults, but neighbour just said that as DD's mother, I am the adult and as such should actually do something about her headbanging, because it is pissing my neighbour off.

I have done as much as anyone I think. I have taken DD to doctors numerous times, last time only 2 weeks ago, have taken her to HV, community paediatrician (who is in process of refering back to HV for observation of DD and when she headbangs to take place.)

Neighbour also accused me of rubbish...that apparently DD is playing in my garden until 9.30pm/10pm every night , and just kept chanting that I am a shit mother who should have DD taken away and she hopes SS do remove her. She says she has listened to my phone calls and is watching me.

All the time this was going on, neighbour was laughing at me every time I spoke. I got so annoyed, I told neighbour not to speak to me ever again, and if she had any problems to report me to LL or police, which she scoffed at, and said she had no desire to report me to police because not everyone goes running to the police every time they have an argument with their partner like you did.

I also told the neighbour that I will be doing precisely nothing now every time DD headbangs (as I have been advised by medical professionals which neighbour didn't give me chance to tell her) and she can report away to her hearts content.

I am feeling very this evening!!!! MENTALLY DERANGED??? SHIT MOTHER??? NEGLECTING MY DD?? SOCIAL SERVICES SHOULD REMOVE MY CHILD??

FWIW, this all kicked off over less than 10 seconds of DD headbanging.

littlemisssarcastic Hi, I cant help with your neighbors but My Ds1 was a headbanger,It drove me to distraction. I read somewhere that artificial colours can cause this in some children,especially the orange/yellow. I took him off ALL artificial colours and in a week it had stopped totally.( he was 7 at the time and had always done it,I was getting worried and the teacher was talking testing for ADD ) It was amazing, still amazes me 11 years later when I think about it. When he used to go to his dads I could always tell when hed had any artificial colours because the headbanging would be back ( his dad didnt believe in such things and refused to co operate :( )

Have you explained to your DD that the neighbours are banging because they don't like her head banging?
If it is frightening her as you say, might that not be enough to make her stop it.

You poor thing having to put up with all this from your neighbour. What a horrible old witch. You were right to try talking to her. I think now you have to go through the housing association. They have a responsibility to ensure that other tenants are not causing you a nuisance.

theoldtrout That is very interesting. I am quite careful about what DD eats/drinks and will get as much that is artificial colour/flavour free as possible. DD tends to have more tantrums if she has had rubbish to eat, an ice cream on a day out or a sweet, so those are restricted. I will pay a little more attention though, thanks for that.

spiderpig I explain to DD (in simple terms) that the neighbours are banging back because they are sad/angry because DD is headbanging, and if DD stopped headbanging, the neighbours wouldn't bang, but it seems to be such an entrenched habit now that it doesn't have any effect. DD doesn't give 2 hoots if the neighbours are sad or angry.

eurochick Thanks. I have informed the HA now and they will be soeaking to my neighbour in the next few days. HA want to arrange mediation if my neighbour is agreeable, but I have told the HA that I will not speak directly to my neighbour now under any circumstances. How I kept my cool when she told me I was mentally deranged is a mystery to me even.
She was sneering and giggling at me, but kept saying that she didn't want an argument and that was why she had refrained from coming around and knocking when she has heard the banging....instead she clearly thought it was a good idea to avoid an argument by calling me mentally deranged, judging my parenting in a sneery way and banging on the adjoining wall so hard that my house shook.

Since the fallout, next door have been banging their front door especially hard, my whole house is shaking, but I refuse to rise to the bait.
My neighbour has always been a 'holier than thou' sort of person and has always been judgemental to the ludicrous extreme. Just not a very nice sort of person.
Just to give you some idea....we used to have neighbours who were very poor, and my neighbour told everyone how she would clean her sofa after they had sat on it because of the smell they left behind apparently. She would bemoan the fact that she had to spend half the evening sniffing her sofa to make sure it was free from the poor neighbours smell!!

A lack of empathy for anyone somewhat...how she has any friends is completely beyond me, yet she seems to have quite a few.

Phone council, you are being harassed for your daughter's special needs and that is not on at all. WTF at her children being that old and not knowing how to be sympathetic and behave properly- do they have some kind of mental problems themselves maybe?

Have now read your post above and she sounds like a complete sociopathic evil bitch. Sorry, that's not much help to you, but hopefully HA can sort her out.

Shes a bully, she has taught her sons to bully, and people are afraid to get on the wrong side of her stupid big mouth. Poor you and DD. I knew before you posted that you were single cos I bet the 2 big louts she has raised wouldnt act like that if there was a man in your house. Sad people. Dont engage, do everything through HA. Keep a diary of any instances, in your house and hers, and explain to your DD how selfish people can be. Hope things get better for you.

No mental problems next door as far as anyone knows. The lads just have no respect for women including their mother, and if she has been voicing her opinion that I am mentally deranged (I am still astounded that she actually let those words come out of her mouth!!! ) to her sons, then why would they respect me or my DD anymore than any other woman they happen to have come across??

What exactly can the council do Wibbly?

auntmargaret Thanks for your post. It makes sense actually. If DS is here, they don't tend to bang back. If my mother is here, they never bang back..ever!! If I have a friend here, it depends on who it is as to whether they bang back or not.
If I am here alone, they will bang on the walls at the slightest noise, even one night DD was bouncing in the bath and they started hammering on the walls.

When XP was here, I had no problems with them, because XP would go round and knock to sort it out. On the odd occasion, neighbour didn't realise XP was here, thought he was out, and she would bang like hell on the wall, and XP would go round and sort it out face to face at her door.

They once had a stand up row on her front door step because she'd wrongly assumed XP and I were having sex, and she thought she'd heard some banging that she assumed was my headboard hitting the wall, so she banged back for a long time while XP was on the loo. When he'd finished, he went round and she screamed at XP that it was disgusting to be having sex in the house when DS was indoors. (DS was out at the time and there was no sex happening anyway, but again she didn't give XP chance to speak.)
She screamed so the whole street could hear, and XP shouted back that we weren't having sex...and that she seemed to have a problem with us having sex during the day, the night, the weekend....XP finished with 'When are we supposed to have sex neighbour????? You tell me and we'll schedule around you!!!' She screamed back "How about never...it's disgusting!!!!"

How she ended up with 2 DC I will never know!!

Also auntmargaret, you are right that a number of people don't want to get on the wrong side of her...she has had disputes with neighbours she is not even connected to by walls, because she has told her DS's that they can park on other people's drives to keep their cars on a drive. (her drive is only for 2 cars...hers and her b/f's) and her DS's need to keep their cars on a drive for insurance purposes.

I feel like I live in a goldfish bowl. I am worried about having a normal conversation in case I am being spied on.

Neighbour said that she did listen to me deliberately and stored the conversations that interest her in her head because it's hard not to listen when I speak at the volume I do. I am profoundly deaf on one side.

To tell you the truth, You got the best piece of advice in your first reply

What a nasty, emotionally shrivelled woman.

If you feel you are getting nowhere with the HA you could try speaking to an advisor from the police or council about anti-social behaviour, because she is be anti-social especially as this is a medical condition etc. They might at least eb able to give you advice. Mention the fact she is bring up the fact you speak loudly due to deafness etc.

Do not get into any more arguements with her, whilst she yells just stand there, and when she runs out of steam, tell her not to behave like that again or you will report her to the police and council.

TheScareyWail I think you might be right. If she'd have still been married, her DH may have done the job for me.

kelly2000 Thanks for your post. I am hoping I wont be getting into anymore arguments with her. I don't want to look at her or hear her whiny pitched voice ever again. If she attempts to scream speak to me, I shall be ignoring her. We have had arguments in the past, and usually, she attempts to make amends quite quickly...but after the things she has said today, I don't want to make amends, I really don't. She is a nasty shallow vile disgusting person. Maybe I will leave my lawn to grow a few inches though. That will seriously piss her off. ha ha ha She has complained before because I didn't take my wheelie bin back in fast enough after the bin men emptied it and it was on my front lawn and she could see it from her window, and she moans and moans if I don't cut my front grass or trim my front hedge.
She says it makes the front look terrible and she doesn't want to look out on it.

You must contact your HA, you must keep a log of all the things she does and I would even report her for emotional
Abuse and harassment. What a nasty bitch she is. You must report her as it will be the only thing she understands as if she has some official intervention she will hopefully shit herself. You must emphasise how they do this to intimidate you and how they only do it when you and dd are alone. Please let us know what happens - and I agree that you need to insist that your GP does something to refer you for your dd. Are there any support groups for people in your situation?