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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want dh to give ex more money

158 replies

Bebo1980 · 27/09/2011 20:14

My dh has a daughter with an ex, they currently have an amicable relationship although it hasn't always been so. We have his daughter frequently, take her on family holidays, she has her own bedroom/clothes at our house etc etc. My dh used to give his ex money informally until several years ago she involved CSA and actually ended up receiving less money than she was originally. Since then my dh has been very conscientious in sending pay checks in voluntarily and making sure he is making the correct payments. What I am trying to say is that he wants to support his daughter and is in no way a 'deadbeat dad'.
When he dropped his daughter off yesterday his ex mentioned that she had started taking her to ballet classes and 'is he going to contribute to half?'. The money is not a massive amount (although I've recently gone back to work full time after having a baby and we are in no way loaded!). The problem is the principle. Is CSA meant to just cover basic living amounts or does it include extras?is she going to continue to ask for more contributions? In my view she took him to csa to ensure she received an adequate amount of money a month and now she wants more.Don't get me wrong I believe that she is entitled to the money she receives but how far should this go and is it worth rocking the boat by saying no?

OP posts:
SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 27/09/2011 23:36

Bogeyface - the csa don't hold a gun to nrp's heads and insist they pay the minimum. The dh can choose to pay what he likes proviving he meets the minimum payment.

shecutofftheirtails - I think if the OP is quibbling about extras where presumably they would see where their money was going then the issue is that they think the csa should cover everything and not that they have an issue with how the ex is spending the money.

Jux · 27/09/2011 23:36

If parents live together, they discuss the cost of extra activities for their children and whether they can be afforded/how to afford them, before signing up for them.

I don't really see why that should be any different in this case.

DioneTheDiabolist · 27/09/2011 23:37

One of the reasons that RPs go to the CSA is to get a formal arrangement for regular maintenance. This peace of mind can mean a lot to a RP. In this case the Ex went to CSA and the OP's DH benefitted from it. Maybe she lost and he won, maybe it was a win-win. I don't think that it is really relevant.

The OP has said that the money wouldn't go to the Ex and that she believes that it would be used to pay for the ballet lessons. So the question is really about whether her DH should contribute towards the lessons and IMHO if he can, then he should. If he can't then he can always say no. The ballet lessons should not be used a battle ground in ill-feeling between the adults in this situation.

ConstanceNoring · 27/09/2011 23:39

Yeah, you see this is where this would just go round in circles, everyone giving their circumstances which of course differ wildly.

My situation, DH's ex has a mortgage free house she could not and probably would never have been able to afford had it not been for him signing it over to her - she hasn't worked in over 25 years having older children from her first marriage, then children with DH then, well I don't know tbh.

She also has maintenance from DH for the children, she has policies and investment funds.

We on the other hand have a massive mortgage to provide a house big enough for the older children and for our children, we have no savings and no pension.

We scratch around to give her the money every month, but we do, without fail.

Bogeyface · 27/09/2011 23:40

The problem though Line, and as a step parent I have experienced this, that as the money is paid to the RP you have no guarantees what it is being spent on. I know 2 women who happily admit that their exes maintenance funds their social life, and it gives the rest of us a bad name but it does happen.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 27/09/2011 23:42

If I'd had to fight through the courts for access to my child, ballet lessons wouldn't be the thing that would start or end ill feeling.

I think the way this issue was approached is dreadful, and if I were the NRP I would not be prepared to pay half the costs of the lessons.

There is no way I would set a precedent with a woman like this that she could incur costs and bill me for half.

ConstanceNoring · 27/09/2011 23:42

God this whole topic is a frigging nightmare because none of us know the actual details of each others lives

exactly what I was trying to say LineRunner

Anyway, I have learnt today to go back to reading fabby's posts, going like this Shock Shock and carrying on regardless.

Am orf to bed, night.

LineRunner · 27/09/2011 23:44

There is no 'maintenance' unless you are rich to start with!

notlettingthefearshow · 27/09/2011 23:45

This time, I think DH should pay, if this is something that is important to his daughter, presumably an activity she loves and is healthy. 10% of a salary is not much. However, there should be discussion between DH and ex in future before commitment.

How does DH feel about it? Is he happy to pay?

DENMAN03 · 27/09/2011 23:46

Whilst it would be nice to think all the money goes on the child, I bet reality is rather different. I can see why the OP is rather aggrieved.

LineRunner · 27/09/2011 23:48

A mixed response, then! Who'd have thought it ... Smile

Circumstances and conscience dictate, I guess.

DioneTheDiabolist · 27/09/2011 23:49

Denman, the OP has not indicated any such thing and has said in later posts that she believes that the money would go towards the ballet lessons, so why do you think different?

I think that too many people are not addressing the post and are instead using this post to air their own grievances regarding ExP's, DP's and maintenance.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 27/09/2011 23:52

There are parents on MN who think ballet is very far from "healthy" and who won't let their daughters do it because of the messages it sends about women's bodies and some other stuff (I am not one of them, so not sure exactly what the grievances are, but they are convincing enough even if I don't fully agree with the position).

Helping my children to choose what EC activities they want to do try, and helping them to find things that suit them is something I look forward to doing as a parent.

I would feel quite shortchanged to be just handed the bill TBH.

DENMAN03 · 27/09/2011 23:57

Dione, I have no grievances...just putting my opinion across. My point about the money was in response to the more general views here.

Original poster
Bebo1980 · 27/09/2011 23:58

I've transferred to the stepparents thread and found it useful. I wanted to post my last message which will hopefully end the debate.

Hey guys thanks for the much more reasonable opinions. On reflection I think I was a bit annoyed. I am working full time after having my baby and paying a fortune in childcare while the ex gets to work part time while child is at school and takes delight in telling dh how she gets 80% childcare paid by government. To be honest her nails and hair look prettier than mine and after working overtime this weekend I think it hit a nerve!
But totally agree (after 2 glasses of wine!) that dh's little girl shouldn't suffer for the complexities of adults!Ballet it is!

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 27/09/2011 23:59

SheCutOffTheirTails, he has not been "handed a bill", the RP asked if he "would contribute half". There is a difference.

DioneTheDiabolist · 28/09/2011 00:02

x-post with Bebo. I think that you are right to post this in Step Parents, as you will get a more reasoned response. Smile

SheCutOffTheirTails · 28/09/2011 00:02

There's not really much of a difference.

A difference would be "hello ex and father of my child, what would you think if our daughter was to start ballet lessons?"

Asking someone to stump up half of costs you incurred without discussion is pretty much like handing them a bill.

Bogeyface · 28/09/2011 00:03

OP, I am glad that you have decided that :) But I do think that she should discuss things like this with him before she signs up in future. Perhaps your DH could ask her to do that so that you dont get this type of situation again.

TheSecondComing · 28/09/2011 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DioneTheDiabolist · 28/09/2011 00:10

SheCutOffTheirTails, there is a big difference. If my DC wanted to enrol in football, I would allow it. I would pay, but I would ask my Ex if he would contribute. His contribution would be appreciated, but if he said he could not afford it, my DC would continue to go and I would fund it myself. I do not see any harm in asking. It is certainly not the same as handing him the bill.

SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 28/09/2011 00:13

Maybe the mum is going to send her child to ballet regardless and was asking if her dad wanted to contribute. I don't see why she would have to ask permission in that case.

I've got no personal axe to grind - I'm with my dh and neither of us have children with exes but if we did split up I would expect him to contribute to luxuries for our kids - why should they live on the bare essentials?

SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 28/09/2011 00:13

x-post dione

SheCutOffTheirTails · 28/09/2011 00:16

Well it would feel exactly the same to me.

It basically says "you aren't a parent, you are just a mealticket".

A parent gets a say before a decision is made.

DioneTheDiabolist · 28/09/2011 00:23

SheCutOffTheirTails, his choice to contribute or not does not necessarily mean that the the child will not have ballet lessons. She is having the lessons, it would be nice, but not necessary for him to contribute. What is the problem?