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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want dh to give ex more money

158 replies

Bebo1980 · 27/09/2011 20:14

My dh has a daughter with an ex, they currently have an amicable relationship although it hasn't always been so. We have his daughter frequently, take her on family holidays, she has her own bedroom/clothes at our house etc etc. My dh used to give his ex money informally until several years ago she involved CSA and actually ended up receiving less money than she was originally. Since then my dh has been very conscientious in sending pay checks in voluntarily and making sure he is making the correct payments. What I am trying to say is that he wants to support his daughter and is in no way a 'deadbeat dad'.
When he dropped his daughter off yesterday his ex mentioned that she had started taking her to ballet classes and 'is he going to contribute to half?'. The money is not a massive amount (although I've recently gone back to work full time after having a baby and we are in no way loaded!). The problem is the principle. Is CSA meant to just cover basic living amounts or does it include extras?is she going to continue to ask for more contributions? In my view she took him to csa to ensure she received an adequate amount of money a month and now she wants more.Don't get me wrong I believe that she is entitled to the money she receives but how far should this go and is it worth rocking the boat by saying no?

OP posts:

SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 27/09/2011 21:28

I'm not talking about the ballet lessons I'm talking about people saying that the daughters money should have been reduced because her mother behaved in a way the op's dh didn't like.

weeklyshop · 27/09/2011 21:33

Imho the problem lies in the fact that the rp has presented the nrp with an arrangement that she made without his consultation and she is now asking him to pay towards it.

I live with the father of my dc but I wouldn't book them in for any activities that need to be paid for without discussing it with him first and agreeing that we were both happy to pay for it. It has always been a joint decision.

Btw, ballet lessons might seem like a few pounds each week but they quickly run up into the hundreds when you factor the uniforms, exams (with extra classes), shoes and costumes etc for the shows.

But that's by the by, I think if dsd wants to do ballet and he can afford to pay then he should contribute but rp needs to understand that he might not always be able to give her everything she would like. This is the same as in most families where both parents are still together.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 27/09/2011 21:34

YANBU

I wouldn't set a precedent of paying half for stuff I hadn't been consulted on.

That's not how parents who are together decide how money will be spent.

PonceyMcPonce · 27/09/2011 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FontSnob · 27/09/2011 21:34

I'm not talking about the ballet lessons I'm talking about people saying that the daughters money should have been reduced because her mother behaved in a way the op's dh didn't like.

Sorry to pick on you, but again....what???

The money was reduced because the mother went through CSA (for whatever reason - one we can't possibly know), not because the OP's DH didn't like the way exp was behaving.

weeklyshop · 27/09/2011 21:34

The thing is, pandapop, that the rp decided that she wanted the payments through the csa - and she was successful in achieving this.

ConstanceNoring · 27/09/2011 21:36

Hold on Stranded , you might not always agree with Fabby , I know I haven't but there's no need to tell one poster to "fuck off" just because you don't agree with her views. IIRC Fabby has pretty much brought up her children single-handedly so her view on this is just as valid as the next person.

FontSnob · 27/09/2011 21:37

Argh - I must learn not to post on these bloody threads, so many people make stuff up and project their own opinions of nrp's onto the OP (especially if the OP is a step-parent). Half the time the things people judge on aren't even relevant to the OP.

Drives me nuts.

UnfortunateUsername · 27/09/2011 21:38

Wow, OP I don't think you (or your DH) deserve most of the replies you've had. I don't have any first hand experience with this sort of thing but if I was going to start expensive lessons for DD I would discuss it with DP first to make sure we could afford it.

Don't see why it should be any different in your situation. Surely your DH's ex should have asked first BEFORE booking the lessons?

Although in saying that, I do believe your DH should contribute towards her activities etc if he's financially able, so based on the question you asked YABU.

Original poster

Bebo1980 · 27/09/2011 21:38

To be honest I'm actually quite shocked at some of the reactions on here and the way people are reacting to each other. My dh adores his little girl, as do I. We in no way would want to 'punish her' but spend what we can when we can on her, as we would do if she lived with us.
This is only one of a couple of times I've been on here seeking some reasonable opinions because I have been wondering what to do all evening. We are not horrible people yet some of the insinuating comments on here are offensive. Thanks to those offering balanced advice, but I won't be coming back.

OP posts:

ConstanceNoring · 27/09/2011 21:39

Oh and my contribution to the thread, my view is much the same as allnew says here..

if the child's mother wants her daughter to attend ballet classes, and if she genuinely can't afford it, then she should first consult with the child's other parent to see if they can jointly afford it.

It needn't be any more complicated than that

RCToday · 27/09/2011 21:40

I agree with Fabby

If I decide my DS is starting a new activity, I pay for it

I don't discuss how I spend maintenance with my Ex, its none of his business

allnewtaketwo · 27/09/2011 21:41

and as a side issue - pwc's who go to the csa to chase and collect payments an nrp was already making willingly is one of the reasons the csa resources are wasted when they could otherwise be redirected towards more problematic cases. For the record I don't agree one iota with the suggestion that csa cases should be charged for in future, but you can see that it would surely cut down on people using the service willy nilly when it's not at all necessary

gordyslovesheep · 27/09/2011 21:41

I do find it funny that people think a parent who pays the bare minimum as direct by the CSA is some how doing his or her bit - seriously?

You are allowed to pay more - it's not law that you can ONLY pay what they tell you to. Some men believe their kids come first and pay for them to have nice things

My ex pays well above the required amount and gives me extra for birthdays and Christmas because he feels his children should have a similar standard of living as they did when we where married - they didn't choose for him to leave after all so why should they have to stop doing things they love.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 27/09/2011 21:42

I think what people are saying, Sexual, is that the mother's actions (making contact difficult) forced her father into spending money on legal fees so that he could still have a close relationship with her.

Are you saying that he should have just shrugged his shoulders and kept paying up at the expense if actually seeing his child?

Or is it that you think he must have an endless supply of money for all occasions?

The girl didn't "miss out" because of what her Dad did, she gained. She now sees more of her father than formerly. I'm sure that means more to her than poxy ballet lessons.

FontSnob · 27/09/2011 21:43

Bebo. You will get some good advice, especially if you post in step-parenting. Unfortunately AIBU seems to make people think that it is open house on saying whatever the hell they like to people. As I said, these threads (not because of the OP) drive me nuts because you always get people who have such tunnel vision on the subject of NR fathers and step mothers that they can't actually see anything other than their own prejudice.

SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 27/09/2011 22:01

The mother went through the csa who calculated a minimum. A lot of fathers pay more on top and the op's dh had been doing up until then. There has obviously been animosity between the dh and his ex about contact and a lot of people on here are saying that as the ex decided to go through the csa she has got what she deserved that it was calculated as less than the dh had been paying. But that money was for their daughter and I think that, if at all possible, the dh should have taken the highground and continued to give what he had been giving. His daughter shouldn't be worse of because of something her mother did.
If the op and her dh literally cannot afford to pay any more than the minimum then fair enough but in the op she is questioning whether the minumum payment should cover everything and whether they should pay extra (implying that they can afford to but would rather not).

Readyisknitting · 27/09/2011 22:04

Shuffle over to the step parent board, it's a little less mad!

FWIW, dbs' mum pays for activities that she signs him up for, we pay for the ones we do, while making sure he isn't over organised iyswim. For my dcs we (myself and dp) pay. My xh (lovely chap) pays the csa minimum and has stated he has no desire to work as he doesn't want to pay more. That's another matter, but I don't ask him for extras. Most kids with 2 parents who are together have to face this, so should not be an automatic he pays half, bt this is an extra can I, as the one signing the child up for the activity, afford it?

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 27/09/2011 22:11

OP I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here.

Your DH's ex really should have spoke to your DH before signing up for ballet classes.

Btw CSA payments start from 15% of net income for one child.

travispickles · 27/09/2011 22:17

Yes Bebo - go to Step-parenting. We over there can usually be relied upon to be supportive as most of us know the trials and tribulations of complex family situations.
I am in the situation whereby I pay for our DD (nappies , a very few clothes/toys), because all his spare money goes on his son (DSS). Which doesn't feel very fair either!

FabbyChic · 27/09/2011 22:18

As a single parent of two boys from 2.5 and 7 to this day, they are now 23 and 18, I have to say single parents have it made financially.

Tax Credits, Working Tax Credits, Housing Benefit, Council Tax Benefit, Maintenance, Wages if you work, it is all their for the taking.

So far as I am concerned maintenance pays for half the childs food and half their clothing. The rest is paid for by the resident parent, who would have to provide housing for themselves any way and who gets enough money from the state to more than adequately cover the money.

When my son reached 18 I lost £120 a week! thats how much I was getting for my son whilst still earning what I consider a fair wage.

So please don't tell me the father should pay for this that and the other when theoretically the government pays for most of it anyway.

SlackSally · 27/09/2011 22:21

Also think you're getting too hard a time.

Why do people come out with stuff like 'he should pay for half the lessons as a bare minimum'??

Why a bare minimum? Why should the father pay more? Why is the onus more on him for the finances?

FabbyChic · 27/09/2011 22:22

Oh and the £120 did not include any maintenance the childrens father felt able to give me on an irregular basis. £120 was the benefits I received for him.

minimisschief · 27/09/2011 22:23

imo the ex should have asked him first if he was interested in paying half for ballet lessons rather than just do it and expect half. unless i read that wrong then nvm

as you all say he is half responsible for the child and he may not agree with ballet classes. for example if you are a couple and one of you wants to take them scuba diving but the other is against it you wouldn't. so if he wasnt happy with it in the first place then he shouldnt have to pay as it wasn't his wish for her to take classes.

his responsibility is with her being paid to be fed and looked after and schooled. not for extras that the child or mother may want to do. if he wants to he can if not then he doesnt have to.

CristinadellaPizza · 27/09/2011 22:23

Ahh Fabby with you around, who needs the Daily Fail? You do all their work for them

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