to not want dh to give ex more money

[Bebo1980]

My dh has a daughter with an ex, they currently have an amicable relationship although it hasn't always been so. We have his daughter frequently, take her on family holidays, she has her own bedroom/clothes at our house etc etc. My dh used to give his ex money informally until several years ago she involved CSA and actually ended up receiving less money than she was originally. Since then my dh has been very conscientious in sending pay checks in voluntarily and making sure he is making the correct payments. What I am trying to say is that he wants to support his daughter and is in no way a 'deadbeat dad'.
When he dropped his daughter off yesterday his ex mentioned that she had started taking her to ballet classes and 'is he going to contribute to half?'. The money is not a massive amount (although I've recently gone back to work full time after having a baby and we are in no way loaded!). The problem is the principle. Is CSA meant to just cover basic living amounts or does it include extras?is she going to continue to ask for more contributions? In my view she took him to csa to ensure she received an adequate amount of money a month and now she wants more.Don't get me wrong I believe that she is entitled to the money she receives but how far should this go and is it worth rocking the boat by saying no?

But on this one, Fabby is actually speaking from her own experience, why should she be berated for that? I can't comment on her experience or opinion as none of my family/extended family are in that situation. She is, so she can.

And panda sorry, in reply to your reply, I think that all the other stuff that the op's dh does for his dc means that the csa payments aren't the sum total of his involvment We have his daughter frequently, take her on family holidays, she has her own bedroom/clothes at our house etc etc.

These financial situations are rarely as black an white as just paying maintenance, via csa or otherwise.

I don't read the Daily Mail.

Working 40 hours a week and claiming what you are entitled to is not a crime. It is what they are there for. I paid taxes and a lot of them for 14 years why shouldn't I get something back.

Isn't the DM a Tory paper?

I'd not wipe me arse on a Tory paper. I might catch something.

Firstly, the actual question should be AIBU to not want DH to pay towards DSD's ballet lessons and my answer would be if he can afford it then YABU. Secondly, DSD's mum has enrolled her in ballet (most likely at DSD's request) and asked for, not demanded a contribution, which I think is OK.

If your DH doesn't want to pay, he can say no. I'm just not sure why it is such a big deal.

Fucking hell fabby I rarely agree with anything you post but this I do!

If my dsc have a school trip/camp/major outing when they get older we have made it clear we will help out as much as we can (we are skint- their mum is not) but only if it is discussed in advance. DP will not be an open wallet to things she decides to.

I am also a single parent and we are living on £120 a week. No housing benefit. No maintenance. I am trying to get a job but can't find one. So I'm not living the life of riley by any means.

Besides which, maintenance is for the children. If that means they live a comfortable, relatively affluent life, is that such a bad thing? Or should RPs and their children be living on the breadline? Because that seems to be the gist of things here.

CSA is about trying to provide the child with similar living standards to the one they had when their parents lived together. And if that would have included ballet lessons then the NRP should pay half. I agree that the ex didn't go about it in the wrong way but please, do people have to be so fucking petty? The OP says it's not much and they can afford it so really, why make such a big deal? Poor kid :(

didn't go about it in the right way

Bebo - It's fair enough for her to ask for more money, it's also fair enough for you to say no.

No you do not deserve the grilling you have had on here.

But fontsnob before the disagreement over contact I assume the child was having clothes/holodays provided etc plus the higher amount of maintenance being paid. It really seems like the op and her dh felt the ex deserved a lower payment for having the audacity to go through the csa. But it isn't punishing the ex because it's not money for her. I very much doubt that the financial burden of legal fees meant that they had to reduce the maintenance payments exactly to the minimum legally required through the csa - that would be a big coincindence wouldn't it?

I can totally confirm that if I was still married to my ex and he was earning what he was earning now, my children (and I) would be living a significantly higher standard of living than they do with the CSA assessment.

Some mothers believe that absent fathers should pay full costs for a child, seriously how much does it cost to feed a child under ten? not even £20 a week, how much does it cost to clothe a child under ten? A year nicely but not expensively? £10 a week? So that is £30 a week, child benefit covers half that easy if its a second child.

Sometimes I wonder what these mothers are doing with the money they get for the child. More often than not living it up with the new partner and constantntly saying, little Tiffany needs this and needs that but fuck it we go out for a meal tonight and get pissed her father can pay.

Chavtastic.

If you want to be a parent be responsible don't rely on money from the absent parent cos you end up for a fall if you do.

It's a pity that the UK has this system of CSA and one parent paying another. In Belgium, the system is just much simpler, children over the age of 5 normally live 50% with one parent and 50%, if they live close enough, with the other parent and neither parent pays the other any money, granted child care is cheap and freely available here, so mothers can more easily work full time. But this "who pays for what" is just not an issue, it's 50/50. The UK system just encourages dependence upon state benefits and festers resentment between ex partners and step families.

I can understand the OP's point of view, but it's your dh's daughter and she needs the support for her activities from both parents.

I do see what you are saying Panda but we are in possesion of all the facts so shouldn't leap onto the op with assumptions. We don't even know the amounts of money being talked about. We don't know why she went to CSA in the first place or if she is getting a reasonable amount. My point is that it is always the nrp that gets a hard time on here, regardless of their involvement, financially or otherwise, and that is not on.

I agree with fabby, my son wants to do karate as some of his friends do it..... But as a family we can not afford it.

If you are going to pay op, prepared to loose contact due to weekend shows and classes

Fabby I find your comments ignorant at best. You are clearly not a person gifted with insight or empathy.

I am a single mum, and by no means living the life of riley. Going out for dinner?? You must be having a laugh.

My dd costs far more than 30 a week. That doesn't even cover one day at nursery!! Do you have children?

Attitudes like yours sadden me :(

I've had two children and raised them myself from the age of 2.5 and 7. I worked full time when the eldest was 1 and the youngest 5 weeks old.

I worked solid for 13 years for the same employer.

I know exactly what someone is entitled to and I know that it is more than possible to feed, clothe and provide for two children on what the government give.

It's about managing your money.

My kids were always well dressed and in named stuff on occasion to.

If you have a mortgage it's totally different, if you live in rented accomodation help is freely available and adequate.

Having been a single parent for now over 16 years and having worked and been on the other side and being unable to work due to sickness for 7 years I know the system.

When I speak I speak from experience. Im' sorry but £30 a week is enough to feed and clothe a ten year old or under.

Fabby you may not read DM, but you could write for it. I'm a single parent and certainly spend much more than £30 a week on my DS. It costs £21.00 per week in bus fares alone to get him to and from school!

again, fabby is talking from her own experiences, she says as she sees. Of course she has children - take a read ^^ .

Am I materialistic? Ex-P pays £55 a week through the CSA for DS2 & DS3 - but will also stump up for half of DS2's school uniform and half of some of his paid-for activities. I cover his shoes - which is a MAJOR expense, as he has 'H' fitting feet, and has muscle problems, his shoes cost £50+ a pair, AND I have to pay £17.50 a week on bus fare to school JUST for DS2 (and more for me and DS1, but they're not his problem). It works out that even WITH the maintenance, Ex-P would not be covering anywhere near half the costs of raising DS2 without paying for these 'extras'.

He has also just given me £15, which is half the price of the particular bath seat that he wants DS3 to have - I had found a cheaper one, but Ex-P feels the dearer one is safer, so we split the cost half and half (bloody thing costs £30). Again, I buy all of DS3's clothing and food, any 'big' baby equipment is paid for 50/50. As it should be IMO.

x post with Fabby,

As people here know, I am a lone parent. Left with a baby and a toddler, by an ExH who has made things awful. I have worked my socks off - paid and unpaid - whilst bringing them up to the very best of my abiltities.

I envy posters here who have a life so lovely they can deny me even the courtesy of an acceptance that I might not be having a fucking ball.

I take the view that if you are in a second marriage with a second family (to either partner) then you need to treat all the children equally.

You have your family budget for food, clothes, living expenses etc and that is what the CSA payments are for. Anything else is an extra and should be funding as such.

If you would find extra money to give your own child ballet/music/riding lessons or whatever then you should do the same for the other child/ren too. Just because she is the product of a failed marriage doesnt mean that she should come second in the priorities. You would find the money for you own child, so you should find it for his.

I too spend more than £30 a week per a child on my children. I think your calculations are totally off. My house is bigger to house children than it would be for just me hence larger mortgage, heating electricity etc.

Fabby - you aren't taking into account that some of us have extortionate bus fares to get our dc to school. DS2 has multiple disabilities, none of which are severe enough to get DLA for, but all of which add up to being unable to walk 2.9 miles (as the crow fucking flies - it's nearly 3.5 miles by walking route) to and from school every day. Hence having to fund criminal amounts of bus travel through my CTC's. We don't qualify for free travel as my LEA measures free transport distance 'as the crow flies' NOT by safe walking route. DS2 has Hypermobility Syndrome, Hypotonia and Chronic asthma. He CANNOT physically walk almost 7 miles a day.

Benefits DO NOT cover that, and it IS an essential cost involved in bringing up DS2. Hence Ex-P giving over and above CSA for certain things.

Bogeyface - I do find your attitude admirable