AIBU to not want my sister to be friends with my ex and his wife?

[ImmyM]

Hi, it's a really long story but in summary:

Met ex at work years ago, I also worked with my sister's boyfriend and he was friends with my ex (although not best buddies).

After 3 years together I caught him with another woman, a friend of his who lived with her boyfriend. He begged for forgiveness and I foolishly stayed with him, but a few months later he finished with me- his OW had split with her boyfriend and wanted him now. I was completely devastated by this, we had just bought a house together and I had given up a lot to be with him (moved away from friends and family, gave up my home, cost me about £30k). He moved her in 2 weeks later and they have gone on to get married and have a child.

Fast forward a few more years, I am married to my DH and have a little one on the way. Life is good :-)

BUT it irks me that my sister and her boyfriend are pally pally with my ex and his wife. It seems they are better friends than when I was with my ex, we rarely went out together but they seem to be spending more and more time together. If the shoe were on the other foot I would not be so friendly to people who did such a horrible thing to my sister. I can understand that her boyfriend is still friends with my ex but I don't get why she has to be so pally with him and his wife?

Her view is that they have not done anything to her and so why should she hold a grudge?

AIBU to think she should have some loyalty to me?
AIBU to still be bothered about this after all this time? (I mean it has been about 7 years!)

A friend of mine refuses to have one of her adult stepchildren to her and her DHs jointly owned home because he once made an accusation against her breaking something of his while he stayed with them. It was something she did not like him having set up in her lounge ( a noisy x-box war game ) and had made this clear - it got broke/ss put two and two together/sent her very arsey text . about it after leaving for work.

Bottom line - she will not have anyone in her home who has made a false accusation against her and made false detrimental comments about her - unless those comments/accusations are retracted/apologised for. Simples.
He flatly refuses to do either.

Best bit is - no matter how much trouble it causes (and it does - no end of at xmas etc etc) she will not bend and her DH backs her fully in the face of no end of pressure and cajoling from other family members.

I think thats how it should be - you should defend and be loyal to those you love/care about - even if the perpetrator is also someone you care about.

From what I can gather this bugger (in the OP) has never even acknowledged he has done wrong - let alone apologised. And he has done so much more than send an arsey text

Invite him to a family party ?? I should coco !

ImmyM - how much money does this git still owe you? Do you think the party would be a good time to ask him when he is going to repay you?

I agree that it is disloyal of your sister. I have a similar situation in that my sister and bil still see my ex even though he cheated on me. I think you should be loyal to family and not condone bad behaviour and as has been said I am sure she would not like it if the shoe was on the other foot. YANBU and I don't think that time is even relevant to how you feel.

how bizzare,chinning someone about terminology and being less than feminist (allegedly) whilst opining op sister is still being a disloyal bitch
right so wring hands about someone else feminist credentials and dish out that?

kettle
pot
black
...go figure

scottishmummy Huh?

read the exchange about apropriate terminologies for the sister. rebuke to terms that another poster used,but disloyal bitch was deemed a fair summation?

Wow. YANBU. Your sister is.

If she's "not that close to them anyway" then surely it shouldn't be too hard to not have them there in the interests of doing the right thing by her sister? I would be very resentful of my sister put me in this situation. How can you possibly be civil to someone who treated you like that? And whilst they have a baby and you're going through IVF? Talk about being put in an unbearably shit situation, I wouldn't go. I really wouldn't.

Sorry scottish mummy but yup I would say it might be disloyal bitch doesn't even flicker with me on any feminist level - bunnyboiling kingon kinda does.

its the bumptiousness of pulling someone up on terminology. bitch is imo distastefulness, and a sexist rebuke for a woman. cant try to be all right on about terms and have a pop like that

YANBU. I would be upset too.

Bumptious ??

You might have an argument with hypocrisy, but bumptious?

If I find terminology crass and offensive I'll say so. Because the words we use are important. To call the op a 'klingon' was to belittle and minimise her in a way the word 'bitch' never would. Because at least when you call a woman a 'bitch' you are acknowledging she has power.

you think bitch is empowering?its potency is its everyday use way its is so normalised. is bitch a cool and right back ya thing i dont think so
the spectacle of someone pulling another poster up,for non feminist use of terms.

Of course 'bitch' is not an empowering word.

That is not what I said.

Let me try again, typing more slowly now for your benefit.

But to call a woman a bitch clearly demonstrates you think she has some power. You wouldn't call some whimsical whiney woman a bitch.

ok i'll type slowly so you can keep up
bitch doesnt=power
no way.no siree.bitch is derogatory the power isnt with the recipienet of remark

OP - how was the party? Did you go? Hope you're ok.